tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29978910773693690532024-03-06T00:24:29.961-07:00Raspy WitWhithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-27594861228600017252014-09-23T20:06:00.002-06:002014-09-24T08:06:23.604-06:00Lie Maestro <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This is my mother. </div>
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I call her Woman. </div>
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I am the Woman's favorite child.<br />
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Sometimes she says she doesn’t pick favorites, sometimes she says she loves us all the same – but I know what she really means<span class="s1">…</span>. </div>
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I am her favorite and she loves me most of all. </div>
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This story is dedicated to her – and me – but mostly her.<br />
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A few months ago we were visiting my family in Utah and reminiscing about our childhood.<br />
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It was remembered that there was a time, between the ages of 12 and 18, when I was not my mother’s favorite.... </div>
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Yup, I was a sassy pants. Or rather, a sassy lack of pants. </div>
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This spurred a discussion of all the hilarious and terrible things we did as children. <br />
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*Cory filling the Logan Landing hot tub with bubbles....<br />
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and then playing in them until the cops arrived. </div>
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*Jaron attacking mom's physique as retaliation for sending him to his room<br />
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*Rylan locking the neighborhood bully in the trailer and tormenting him with a hose,</div>
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*Brooklyn being sent to time out once in her entire life -</div>
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....which was apparently a false sentence since Rylan recently admitted to biting himself to get her in trouble.<br />
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The stories went on and on, each one funnier than the last, each one more shocking to my poor mother. </div>
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As my mom listened to us crack up about our naughtiness, and having had enough surprises for one night, she decided to drive the conversation to a more positive place - she wanted to remember the sweet things we had done as children.<br />
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The first story she mentioned was about me. </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">May 2001</span></div>
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I had the perfect plan for Mother's day.</div>
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I decided to surprise her with the thing mothers love most – flowers. I had recently been granted permission to ride my bike alone - as in no parental guidance. Were this not the case, I would have simply asked my father for a ride to the store, bought flowers, and had an ordinary mothers day - but that would be boring and obviously not blog worthy. </div>
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I rode my bike. </div>
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I rode the three miles downhill to Lee's marketplace in record time – a ten speed had never sped so speedily as mine. </div>
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I then set out to find the perfect flower. </div>
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As I perused the flowers I found an entire display of Mums! These aptly named flowers must have been specially grown for mothers or “mums”. At $6 a pot it was the perfect price for a budding babysitter and I had found my secret mother’s day present. </div>
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Side note – I later learned that mum is just a shortened version of chrysanthemum<span class="s1">…</span>, which is the #1 choice for grave flowers – Mums are NOT a flower designed for mothers by the British. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1" style="text-align: center;">
All I needed to do was get home and hide the flowers until the next morning and I would have the perfect mothers day gift - flowers I had purchased and procured all on my own. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0mRn7iqFQlBKWggBoOxOy1Gkqk-5sDKHLimkP1PExxPqPBZmTl3KYNqA6YcUVWLQAazEdkIWaE0J9DTFpi1UqKbn-OCmjfdifzHMeRw-iCPxxkiZ5myH5f7XQh9zDX8efNcHyUiuPHwFa/s1600/Whitney+on+a+bike+with+flowers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0mRn7iqFQlBKWggBoOxOy1Gkqk-5sDKHLimkP1PExxPqPBZmTl3KYNqA6YcUVWLQAazEdkIWaE0J9DTFpi1UqKbn-OCmjfdifzHMeRw-iCPxxkiZ5myH5f7XQh9zDX8efNcHyUiuPHwFa/s1600/Whitney+on+a+bike+with+flowers.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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Here's where it got tricky.... </div>
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As I was awkwardly peddling back up the uphill grade to my house, the flaw in my plan became apparent. - Biking with a pot of mums in your arms is surprisingly difficult. </div>
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As I struggled along to keep myself and the flowers balanced, I noticed a large scary man running the same path I was laboring along, a path which happened to be a precariously thin dirt patch between a major roadway and a canal surging with fresh spring run off. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg92DeeVDT7TSwJ0jkxPvM9jcDcFkWs7lohpLVwNQoKm0FG6lEQCqjvdVrt1o-bvFSiIpZssQ3pUHkNiSPKXsV_Uclqe3zyV-g7MWjKHCBzYzHELvSru2TI-T1gMai9QgZZxYsM2XZIndMf/s1600/What+my+mom+thought+happened.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg92DeeVDT7TSwJ0jkxPvM9jcDcFkWs7lohpLVwNQoKm0FG6lEQCqjvdVrt1o-bvFSiIpZssQ3pUHkNiSPKXsV_Uclqe3zyV-g7MWjKHCBzYzHELvSru2TI-T1gMai9QgZZxYsM2XZIndMf/s1600/What+my+mom+thought+happened.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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As it turns out, I was right to fear the Nefarious looking jogger behind me. </div>
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My slow biking on the narrow trail was impeding his workout, something he did not tolerate well.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEholfrtLBsyZy7-cR-ta-mgX0cKIBGJ18iQrT-I_LZzcvAAun4A1CnKGL1MEbRT9s8tVBNagT_jq-cMqGTqPnHyEaklJZjV1zsYfnZJHSTUVVskgAxQ4CYOddDhospTYwe2AtbBGzItkfyG/s1600/Evil+man+pushed+me+into+the+ditch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEholfrtLBsyZy7-cR-ta-mgX0cKIBGJ18iQrT-I_LZzcvAAun4A1CnKGL1MEbRT9s8tVBNagT_jq-cMqGTqPnHyEaklJZjV1zsYfnZJHSTUVVskgAxQ4CYOddDhospTYwe2AtbBGzItkfyG/s1600/Evil+man+pushed+me+into+the+ditch.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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As he ran past me he purposefully knocked me off balance, sending me, my bike and my recently purchased mums straight into the canal. </div>
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Soaked from the waist down, my plan was ruined. </div>
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My perfect mother's day plan was ruined. </div>
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Defeated, I walked my bike to the back side of an office complex just across the street from the scene of the crime. </div>
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My flowers, and my will to ride on, were broken and sad. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzYaeLh0gw0vvFy6m2teD3GkvOo1Z-gPlnxZKCpBTi7NfZmMdEdvGk1Je8W3vYh3Vy6oem6gh5RuC5JRjTFDzIaiR2mSoA60rE19lrjNo2l-dC-Ra_zfjHR4KQLVAsPiYQnrt6sxmJQ1Gk/s1600/sad+and+defeated+cartoon+girl+with+flowers.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzYaeLh0gw0vvFy6m2teD3GkvOo1Z-gPlnxZKCpBTi7NfZmMdEdvGk1Je8W3vYh3Vy6oem6gh5RuC5JRjTFDzIaiR2mSoA60rE19lrjNo2l-dC-Ra_zfjHR4KQLVAsPiYQnrt6sxmJQ1Gk/s1600/sad+and+defeated+cartoon+girl+with+flowers.png" height="320" width="256" /></a></div>
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Someone found me and let me use their cell phone to call my mother. She was coming to get me and would see her bent mothers day flowers before mothers day. </div>
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<br />
Worst day ever. </div>
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When my mother arrived I recounted my tragic tale. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3_k2JogwngNRbjicKQi5Y9kgOarOAWM4Zm8PoKZk5GZFcaQargFprYqb4si1g1CteX8OxryRyBMvrARCLGEqCLa7WBb6IjXoCnfzoQp192Vh5mri8F4ZUvUz60Fa_jgjvdxI8wIoD-MP-/s1600/telling+mom+what+happened.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3_k2JogwngNRbjicKQi5Y9kgOarOAWM4Zm8PoKZk5GZFcaQargFprYqb4si1g1CteX8OxryRyBMvrARCLGEqCLa7WBb6IjXoCnfzoQp192Vh5mri8F4ZUvUz60Fa_jgjvdxI8wIoD-MP-/s1600/telling+mom+what+happened.png" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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I had not yet dried from the awful endeavor and my sopping state, along with the damaged and pitiful flowers in arms, made for a distressing scene.</div>
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Naturally, she was outraged.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUlO1HkdpH-sCOq3tCrxLGZbFXMS1sF4AdUg8eGJvFY2xrCK62GZKbV_3ZY6efvAMGmZTSgfG1fvCt5G5tDR3KscAaUQLhMOSajOeLrEwSARRLfpaoXArpjLfyPEhFXt_F_xxsIUNAG6Ff/s1600/Mom+is+rightfully+outraged.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUlO1HkdpH-sCOq3tCrxLGZbFXMS1sF4AdUg8eGJvFY2xrCK62GZKbV_3ZY6efvAMGmZTSgfG1fvCt5G5tDR3KscAaUQLhMOSajOeLrEwSARRLfpaoXArpjLfyPEhFXt_F_xxsIUNAG6Ff/s1600/Mom+is+rightfully+outraged.png" height="400" width="320" /></a></div>
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How could anyone - much less a full grown and balding adult- knock a child into the water and continue on as if nothing had happened? </div>
<div class="p1" style="text-align: center;">
Surely this "man" was a monster. </div>
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</div>
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I, on the other hand, was an angel and these sad little flowers were the most precious of all mothers' day presents. This was a story of self sacrifice to remember - my mother had successfully taught me the addage "tis better to give than to receive" and I had employed it in my young life. </div>
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... as in last month while on our trip down memory lane....</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The TRUE Story: </span></div>
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</div>
<div class="p1" style="text-align: center;">
Before leaving Lees, I had the slight notion that I needed to use a bathroom. In my excitement to get on with my adventure and eager to hide my gift - I forgot about that notion and mounted my bike in pursuit of home - without the use of the facilities. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0mRn7iqFQlBKWggBoOxOy1Gkqk-5sDKHLimkP1PExxPqPBZmTl3KYNqA6YcUVWLQAazEdkIWaE0J9DTFpi1UqKbn-OCmjfdifzHMeRw-iCPxxkiZ5myH5f7XQh9zDX8efNcHyUiuPHwFa/s1600/Whitney+on+a+bike+with+flowers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0mRn7iqFQlBKWggBoOxOy1Gkqk-5sDKHLimkP1PExxPqPBZmTl3KYNqA6YcUVWLQAazEdkIWaE0J9DTFpi1UqKbn-OCmjfdifzHMeRw-iCPxxkiZ5myH5f7XQh9zDX8efNcHyUiuPHwFa/s1600/Whitney+on+a+bike+with+flowers.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">As I rode, the need to tinkle became less of an inkling and more of an urge. </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="text-align: left;">The urge grew stronger and I willed myself to carry on.</span><span style="text-align: left;"> </span></div>
<div class="p1" style="text-align: center;">
I was 12 after all, and 12 is old enough to be in charge of one's bladder. </div>
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<br /></div>
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....or so I thought. </div>
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<div class="p1" style="text-align: center;">
My body, confused from multitasking kegels and awkward bike riding, betrayed me.</div>
<div class="p1" style="text-align: center;">
I was no longer dry while riding the bike. </div>
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</div>
<div class="p1" style="text-align: center;">
There was no canal in sight. </div>
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<div class="p1" style="text-align: center;">
Yup. </div>
<div class="p1" style="text-align: center;">
That Happened. </div>
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<div class="p1" style="text-align: center;">
I peed my pants, blamed it on an imaginary man, and lied about it for 15 years.<br />
<br />
Sorry mom :) </div>
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Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-73266673394846362682014-02-28T20:27:00.000-07:002014-09-23T22:53:23.190-06:00Jobless near Seattle<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: center;">
We recently moved to Spokane, WA.<br />
I realize this is not actually that "near" Seattle but the Meg Ryan allusion was working for me. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
Because we relocated 13 hours away from my previous job, I have been without a paycheck for over two months. (it makes me cringe just to type that)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I have joined the unflattering class of Americans labelled "unemployed". </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
It has not been pleasant. </div>
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It would be better if I could at least blame my unemployment on something or someone but I've yet to find a responsible party. </div>
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I've considered blaming my useless degree - for some reason nobody with the means to employ me cares that I studied four years of bio-medical anthropology. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Identifying random bones and knowing what Margaret Mead learned about Samoa in the 80's does nothing for me.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">N O T H I N G</span></div>
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<br />
Surprise Surprise.<br />
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So here's a word to the wise - when your parents tell you not to get a degree in something obscure like underwater basketweaving - trust them. They, unlike you, know what they're talking about. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I've thought of blaming it on poor people skills - but let's face it - my people skills are awesome. </div>
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If I get an interview, a real one not a phone one, I'm a winner. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Which just leaves me. I am the reason I am unemployed. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I applied to be a copy editor for the Spokesman Review.<br />
Writing skills? check.<br />
Excellent grammar? check.<br />
Communications degree? minor check.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
I went in for an interview, the first of many here in Spokane, and nailed it.<br />
At the end of the interview I was asked to take a test to prove my grammar expertise. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
No problem.<br />
<br />
They sat me down in a tiny desk across from a peeping secretary who confiscated my phone so I couldn't use technology to bolster my score. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I started the test and flew through the first three pages.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTGrBb2kVkGMl0ZoHnFx5RmlWXSa5ktT2MYHO8jSic-VO3ddM5FlgPid1ffRMWf1OmtvdRlORD4gfcZcT01PUAxTCHGJ8jYDM5pApbL0vVYXDFK5UZ7-ie2Lq7Dqrsh6A9DY3bqmnbkxUt/s1600/Happy+Grammar+Test+Taking+at+the+Spokesman+Review.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTGrBb2kVkGMl0ZoHnFx5RmlWXSa5ktT2MYHO8jSic-VO3ddM5FlgPid1ffRMWf1OmtvdRlORD4gfcZcT01PUAxTCHGJ8jYDM5pApbL0vVYXDFK5UZ7-ie2Lq7Dqrsh6A9DY3bqmnbkxUt/s1600/Happy+Grammar+Test+Taking+at+the+Spokesman+Review.png" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0QlWMsSLHxb_XGAEONdFN6mhBBStLhlJZIUnu2ol-eF_FFVYVAtNTBrRSRVO64NaI8-0-id8a4hsKyEDbvcGn9DVsaj8vQW4pM_tXCJDWlZdPvjBSgrEUtsFheJp36EopJJuVHJ1U_3fG/s1600/Grammar+Test.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0QlWMsSLHxb_XGAEONdFN6mhBBStLhlJZIUnu2ol-eF_FFVYVAtNTBrRSRVO64NaI8-0-id8a4hsKyEDbvcGn9DVsaj8vQW4pM_tXCJDWlZdPvjBSgrEUtsFheJp36EopJJuVHJ1U_3fG/s1600/Grammar+Test.png" height="300" width="400" /></a><br />
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Booyah.</div>
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I was beyond confident. I cockily flipped through the pages circling appropriately spelled words, correcting poor conjugation usage and crafting grammatically pristine re-writes. </div>
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I was a winner... until I reached page 4. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyB8onuPpi5xnJwvYBy4fre3f-v4ojNjjcOTTTChP6LgSC4k_dtm-Q2MUoD4CxHeXLB5h7E9jPCMiXHLmWgRkY-ZWqSG8J4auIZ20Vi8FIASwpY-I6g4etCrbRnXFSxLgC6-sdTeUteiBX/s1600/List+of+althetes.tiff" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyB8onuPpi5xnJwvYBy4fre3f-v4ojNjjcOTTTChP6LgSC4k_dtm-Q2MUoD4CxHeXLB5h7E9jPCMiXHLmWgRkY-ZWqSG8J4auIZ20Vi8FIASwpY-I6g4etCrbRnXFSxLgC6-sdTeUteiBX/s1600/List+of+althetes.tiff" height="281" width="400" /></a><br />
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An entire page of athletes to identify. </div>
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I panicked. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd4CkfaHaEQB_8s2c4X87_-5Ei35Os_mEsjdvXZ9JSFyKXdE8wAfP4srQ_qM5VGWAYy0fuUalRXAE-UyzgXsm2fqlLgbQZGQKE-Bed9zrUCZM2951e_9Wt1SzuGGKlWB-lN-kl3nYe2Vn4/s1600/Grammar+Test+got+harder.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd4CkfaHaEQB_8s2c4X87_-5Ei35Os_mEsjdvXZ9JSFyKXdE8wAfP4srQ_qM5VGWAYy0fuUalRXAE-UyzgXsm2fqlLgbQZGQKE-Bed9zrUCZM2951e_9Wt1SzuGGKlWB-lN-kl3nYe2Vn4/s1600/Grammar+Test+got+harder.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a><br />
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Why on earth would a copy editor need to know who's who in the world of sports? </div>
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<br /></div>
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I legitimately knew two of the names on the list: </div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Tiger Woods</b> the famously seductive pro golf player </div>
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and</div>
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</div>
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<b>Smarty Jones</b>, a racehorse I happened to watch a documentary on at some point in my perusal of Netflix. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I put an exclamation mark next to Smarty's name to emphasize just how proud of this random knowledge I was. The rest of the page was marginally white.</div>
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I was unaware of just how lacking my sports knowledge was until this point, which is apparently a colossal deficiency. </div>
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The empty page mocked me. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Rather than leave the page blank I decided to showcase a little creativity and inventive personality. </div>
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I filled in my page as follows. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9OISIbd_zcldN3Cfb-wR-1qMOaoJUE6pYL9WN4AcIOvyrlRQ9TASC1btnpRYEqGnaoOK8XiuUc65B25MXhvFWTxxy3YsZrqYdE1P9neu7ppM8iLFYVwqC-EaCTDkusR5VFcnBZter5d57/s1600/Completed+Althete+Knowledge+Test.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9OISIbd_zcldN3Cfb-wR-1qMOaoJUE6pYL9WN4AcIOvyrlRQ9TASC1btnpRYEqGnaoOK8XiuUc65B25MXhvFWTxxy3YsZrqYdE1P9neu7ppM8iLFYVwqC-EaCTDkusR5VFcnBZter5d57/s1600/Completed+Althete+Knowledge+Test.png" height="640" width="640" /></a> </div>
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Believing the worst to be over and the fact deficiency mitigated with wittiness I turned the page.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm9BJA6Sl6xQ68lHd6P1qs7P3xiS1KS1_U-6WGqq6y6Uip1S6offsw0B_qopSY-zzQX-xzsH4O9Fl5OQ3KYLsgJMDhVCNiKE5SpskEgAYzNEPmPifKxyNKIaX5jLA5KfnMc0Ohj0GcZMka/s1600/I+don't+know+the+answers+to+the+test.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm9BJA6Sl6xQ68lHd6P1qs7P3xiS1KS1_U-6WGqq6y6Uip1S6offsw0B_qopSY-zzQX-xzsH4O9Fl5OQ3KYLsgJMDhVCNiKE5SpskEgAYzNEPmPifKxyNKIaX5jLA5KfnMc0Ohj0GcZMka/s1600/I+don't+know+the+answers+to+the+test.png" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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It got worse. </div>
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Not only was the test requesting athlete names known by most Americans, but now the test wanted area specifics. </div>
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Here are some questions asked about sports in the Spokane area. </div>
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<br /></div>
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1. Name as many Spokane High Schools and their mascots as possible. </div>
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2. What year did the Washington State Cougars go to the ________ championship? </div>
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3. Fill in the championship blank in #2</div>
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4. Who coaches the Chiefs? </div>
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5. The bulldogs are mascots for which Spokane collegiate team? </div>
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I had lived in Spokane for a total of 1 week at this point. </div>
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... So I made up answers here too, and put my anthropology degree to work. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgczYuGNjMBQ69DvpgpSZZXy07nKEABayysec7km4go6o7PevTJorHd3wS5kojh5twC-IdTjvalHki4R7cYEBz0ozJEi7ou7jxuET92JEbeJgI8V-pDgX1Pfztk7zAQj5IP87FF2TU5kh5h/s1600/Chief+Joseph+coaches+the+chiefs.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgczYuGNjMBQ69DvpgpSZZXy07nKEABayysec7km4go6o7PevTJorHd3wS5kojh5twC-IdTjvalHki4R7cYEBz0ozJEi7ou7jxuET92JEbeJgI8V-pDgX1Pfztk7zAQj5IP87FF2TU5kh5h/s1600/Chief+Joseph+coaches+the+chiefs.png" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
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In short, I made up or gave up on most answers pages 3 through 6. </div>
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And I found out, after the test of course, why the quiz was so sporting centric. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhauU_wvOgWmr9tp-46VWfOwwrG_gZRquQ5UxwWu_I457aSfZQo-PAtZ-d5nfno-6vxsYjyFb3yFqIcsJA3TeAOQRD8D5wSXnyAIv1TSpwwkuRfVuWjJW3cYYktLE5ME0yjMjzRxPSt2kQF/s1600/Why+all+the+sporting+references%3f.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhauU_wvOgWmr9tp-46VWfOwwrG_gZRquQ5UxwWu_I457aSfZQo-PAtZ-d5nfno-6vxsYjyFb3yFqIcsJA3TeAOQRD8D5wSXnyAIv1TSpwwkuRfVuWjJW3cYYktLE5ME0yjMjzRxPSt2kQF/s1600/Why+all+the+sporting+references%3f.png" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmVitQlCgXekroBkTzGAmmINP01uZIKohMohO9oO2bNzQmXDYzMvjwhIV8Li61JunGyGmegPckcCA-ssLce56v48Ozyx-WNX5GsvuKKsQkEyimutoCXz6m_UHRbxX14HA1GLbfpop8KlOQ/s1600/Open+sports+editor+position.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmVitQlCgXekroBkTzGAmmINP01uZIKohMohO9oO2bNzQmXDYzMvjwhIV8Li61JunGyGmegPckcCA-ssLce56v48Ozyx-WNX5GsvuKKsQkEyimutoCXz6m_UHRbxX14HA1GLbfpop8KlOQ/s1600/Open+sports+editor+position.png" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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I wrote an addendum to my exam explaining that I'd only lived in the state of Washington for a grand total of 7 days and promised to brush up my sporting jargon but I'm pretty sure my excuse fell on deaf ears. </div>
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Shockingly, they didn't call. </div>
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Sad face. </div>
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Since then, I've interviewed at over 20 places. </div>
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that's an average of 3 per week. </div>
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Here are some highlights from my interviewing repository. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNCJjFzU2ui99RSgZYFJbEmjVgdLVvRofDy2LxPQ674ZA7C235NfppU_2NVZoagyxI6FgJ7hIp4Db0VqsbpEKQD4qZFziJX5D6g8Q2Pn5cAmVvAWmhZzuckQWJf5PXGv4DsmloNLn5SIOE/s1600/Interview+Question+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNCJjFzU2ui99RSgZYFJbEmjVgdLVvRofDy2LxPQ674ZA7C235NfppU_2NVZoagyxI6FgJ7hIp4Db0VqsbpEKQD4qZFziJX5D6g8Q2Pn5cAmVvAWmhZzuckQWJf5PXGv4DsmloNLn5SIOE/s1600/Interview+Question+1.png" height="300" width="400" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBaXchGfdmg09Y10CPdJITRMgGYw607pfVTv0bs3yWYDVIaGvdirE8NxNtQhiT7D8oljrX5lUXbqUwX0VXUunH2y_KMZo3M4VA2YSgOaLMWFKJpRgit0VG8fQ6rYar5QAr0oTo3pDcTFDa/s1600/Being+persuasive+in+an+interview.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBaXchGfdmg09Y10CPdJITRMgGYw607pfVTv0bs3yWYDVIaGvdirE8NxNtQhiT7D8oljrX5lUXbqUwX0VXUunH2y_KMZo3M4VA2YSgOaLMWFKJpRgit0VG8fQ6rYar5QAr0oTo3pDcTFDa/s1600/Being+persuasive+in+an+interview.png" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgya7tyl3Y8FuQW5VGGWbGkLh_9T3cCso-JJefc0ru6SvZnaR3plQKg8AN3naiOWM5GaF1nFfgVuTfTTwQK-dWpMXfllQEQ-bseuoHFpxvL153rz-UpTcnow9QD344WyFULmSB8_eHhD85z/s1600/I+pull+facts+out+of+my+bum+all+the+time.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgya7tyl3Y8FuQW5VGGWbGkLh_9T3cCso-JJefc0ru6SvZnaR3plQKg8AN3naiOWM5GaF1nFfgVuTfTTwQK-dWpMXfllQEQ-bseuoHFpxvL153rz-UpTcnow9QD344WyFULmSB8_eHhD85z/s1600/I+pull+facts+out+of+my+bum+all+the+time.png" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiidkGraoDZaOaWAWrddRXRyp5hjg2ndW4YhLR-LScyT3F4pBv-jrM6Pi8vMINrTGMSliBbnvVD5QMBOm7v_TmVnonuoe_U8eXV2i0hSaTGJwKw05df33FJE2qrstY8bosjn_Lo9XdRxfAY/s1600/Embarrassed+at+a+job+interview.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiidkGraoDZaOaWAWrddRXRyp5hjg2ndW4YhLR-LScyT3F4pBv-jrM6Pi8vMINrTGMSliBbnvVD5QMBOm7v_TmVnonuoe_U8eXV2i0hSaTGJwKw05df33FJE2qrstY8bosjn_Lo9XdRxfAY/s1600/Embarrassed+at+a+job+interview.png" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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Bums should not be discussed during interviews. </div>
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You should always remember your interviewers name. </div>
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Meeting the CEO right off the bat, in a closed meeting, is not always a good thing on day 1. </div>
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Despite my numerous interview blunders, these experiences have not been entirely unfruitful - I have had a few job offers.<br />
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In fact, I even took a job. </div>
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I was going to be a Property Manager at Eagle Point, a large and lavish apartment complex in a neighboring city. </div>
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That lasted for a grand total of 3 hours. </div>
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I quit more quickly than expected. </div>
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After those three hours I realized I hated property management, I wanted to do something entirely different and I didn't NEED to settle for a sub par position. </div>
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At least not yet anyway. </div>
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That was about a month ago. </div>
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Three job offers and no paychecks later, I think my husband is about done with my job search, and I'm right there with him. </div>
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My new approach to career hunting is to actually read the job postings (shocking advice I know) and only apply to positions I'd actually enjoy doing. </div>
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So... if you live in the Spokane area, you should hire me to do awesome things. </div>
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If you don't live in Spokane, I probably miss you. </div>
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Wish me luck :) </div>
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Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-19241317944058693852013-11-21T15:48:00.002-07:002014-02-03T16:13:09.409-07:00Learning to Forgive<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I moved from Colorado in the middle of the 3rd grade.</div>
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Since I attended a private school in Colorado - and was put in public school when we moved - I was a bit ahead academically than the rest of my peers. </div>
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Instead of skipping a grade and becoming "that girl"for the rest of my academic career, I decided to do my own work in the corner of my class instead. </div>
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The move to the corner didn't help my social life, which was already damaged due to being the "new girl". In fact, I spent most of the 3rd grade friendless. </div>
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Going into 4th grade, I abandoned the corner and decided to join the rest of the class in the normal curriculum, thinking I was bound to have more friends that way. </div>
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4th grade did not go well. </div>
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I was in Miss Peter's 4th grade class. </div>
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Madge was in Miss Peter's 4th grade class. </div>
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Madge didn't like me. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeg-dy-e5jMXC-Czv5e0zP9uJ_-RHQVpzNXngoMGDiyQ_XLN84bWm5lnZTQQzU4O3A1eLknQWozelxyCStnX0_KYaMvFO4Q8maR5qGa9frthOH6KXwS-XDtgzoDYhAy59yYqQ5dvqfZbH3/s1600/Can+I+play+dolls+with+you%3f+comic.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeg-dy-e5jMXC-Czv5e0zP9uJ_-RHQVpzNXngoMGDiyQ_XLN84bWm5lnZTQQzU4O3A1eLknQWozelxyCStnX0_KYaMvFO4Q8maR5qGa9frthOH6KXwS-XDtgzoDYhAy59yYqQ5dvqfZbH3/s400/Can+I+play+dolls+with+you%3f+comic.png" width="550" /></a></div>
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I thought maybe just my doll playing was "the worst" so I attempted to join in other activities. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3k1wG288kx0aGDz5zTNpko99tZT8FmcM-XBVbZTKIlbfRenfnQwuGDLCZJk0LcEasqqJHO305eroaZWiJV6NbNua2lxohMEnNGbeQhOvAwVPQ459HlrXNA7n7YBZ0IS3oeTk-fxTWnvW5/s1600/Can+I+play+with+you%3f+comic.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3k1wG288kx0aGDz5zTNpko99tZT8FmcM-XBVbZTKIlbfRenfnQwuGDLCZJk0LcEasqqJHO305eroaZWiJV6NbNua2lxohMEnNGbeQhOvAwVPQ459HlrXNA7n7YBZ0IS3oeTk-fxTWnvW5/s400/Can+I+play+with+you%3f+comic.png" width="550" /></a></div>
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Nope.<br />
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Still the worst.<br />
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Madge seemed to take delight in making my 9 year old life miserable. </div>
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She would never let me play with her or the other girls in my class, made fun of my lack of glasses (how does that work?) and convinced my only/best friend Tessa to ditch me every other day at recess. </div>
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I hated school. </div>
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Every morning I would drag my feet getting ready, dreading the moment I had to walk into the classroom and spend the day alone. </div>
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One morning, I had an idea.<br />
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If you're sick you don't have to go to school - so I started my acting career and faked sick.<br />
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It worked on day 1 - I got to sleep in with the "throw-up bowl" and a bottle of 7-up by my bed. </div>
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Later - my tummy ache went away and I got to play all day long. </div>
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The next day I was sick again. </div>
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Having used most of my drama skills the day before, I kept it simple.</div>
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She was skeptical on day 2 but retrieved my bowl and sprite anyway. </div>
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And then I played with mom. </div>
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Day 3 my acting career was over.</div>
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I was out of sick days. I couldn't fake it again and, unless I came up with some other reason I couldn't grace the halls of Greenville elementary, I was going to school. </div>
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I contemplated </div>
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1) "Falling out of bed", anding on my arm wrong and hoping that it broke. </div>
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2) Pretending my teacher was force feeding me drugs</div>
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3) Running away forever. </div>
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Instead - Mom found out why I didn't want to go to school. </div>
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She did what any good mom would do - she hugged and me let cry. </div>
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Then she came up with a plan. </div>
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I imagined her marching into school, dragging Madge out into the hall by her stupid hair and either hurting her feelings or her face. </div>
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Mom had another idea.</div>
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Mothers are wise beyond all reason, I don't know where the wisdom comes from but I hope it's just naturally grown with pregnancy because I definitely do NOT have it yet. </div>
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As I walked into school with Madge's cookies, I couldn't help but feel angry and bitter. </div>
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Whey on earth does Madge get cookies when she is the meanest girl in the 4th grade? </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNeeZLsyMGWQKeoPDtnGXbxH7kZx3OTdYmz6LCQfSznLsPCkHf2OU5A0kj0b3_c9BkDyDesdcDP8JrtBuJIkmP5k-P-J_Sg3XAZSeoytcs9JFXl5FP3l-qSx_bZxt5Sm79caq-moFyiCTz/s1600/Madge+Deserves+Poop+Brownies+cartoon.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNeeZLsyMGWQKeoPDtnGXbxH7kZx3OTdYmz6LCQfSznLsPCkHf2OU5A0kj0b3_c9BkDyDesdcDP8JrtBuJIkmP5k-P-J_Sg3XAZSeoytcs9JFXl5FP3l-qSx_bZxt5Sm79caq-moFyiCTz/s400/Madge+Deserves+Poop+Brownies+cartoon.png" width="400" /></a><br />
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I pouted the whole way into school, running scenarios in my mind on how to give Madge the cookies AND be super mean all at the same time.<br />
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The Idea Fairy visited me once more.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxLWghgTFNuGQ75ooWClZex1ISIkTO2omLK74jK1bf5hopYEzPm0M5ObLymbkUAzRX5EKarVEhxW5WT8Qpd2rkbIAjHq7zPqp3O4_zAoYIbdCTn5DDqxDvCqd07ZIwVahL26rfTjeYFemC/s1600/I+will+give+madge+ruined+cookies.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxLWghgTFNuGQ75ooWClZex1ISIkTO2omLK74jK1bf5hopYEzPm0M5ObLymbkUAzRX5EKarVEhxW5WT8Qpd2rkbIAjHq7zPqp3O4_zAoYIbdCTn5DDqxDvCqd07ZIwVahL26rfTjeYFemC/s400/I+will+give+madge+ruined+cookies.png" width="400" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu9aI3JTQUX2rwysleXt5L0gy2eyq6UtDdJHrbTXgDrN2s1g9kEh4kOp0Jjyzwy2ywRWdCZwoThp7Y-WzZz1KH8kYQBxzHqP7tkmAM9BKqeeAkMFJomlcdcESXRYf8QaIsZCCMBqnA-DLa/s1600/Breaking+all+the+cookies!+.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu9aI3JTQUX2rwysleXt5L0gy2eyq6UtDdJHrbTXgDrN2s1g9kEh4kOp0Jjyzwy2ywRWdCZwoThp7Y-WzZz1KH8kYQBxzHqP7tkmAM9BKqeeAkMFJomlcdcESXRYf8QaIsZCCMBqnA-DLa/s400/Breaking+all+the+cookies!+.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2KriiiV8BxxbsRSvctGwBns9EE66a8OnTbJwM84z1cGGhlVjv7Q1TL-NwV33G_wJ8yDRr_6H5KkI9dezlHQZcDjVPQ4tfQ_J4EWJOVxQDdqVMh2BqSQNeLao0YQK0YmxrBwzPqWWvC8DG/s1600/Broken+cookies+for+Madge.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2KriiiV8BxxbsRSvctGwBns9EE66a8OnTbJwM84z1cGGhlVjv7Q1TL-NwV33G_wJ8yDRr_6H5KkI9dezlHQZcDjVPQ4tfQ_J4EWJOVxQDdqVMh2BqSQNeLao0YQK0YmxrBwzPqWWvC8DG/s400/Broken+cookies+for+Madge.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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Yes. I ruined Madge's cookies and then gave them to the office as a "special delivery". </div>
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She was paged to the office 20 minutes later and I smirked as she left the room because I knew she was going to pick up a pile of cookie crumbs. </div>
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Muahahaha. </div>
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15 years later - now that I am friends with Madge and we've discussed this fateful 4th grade day - I found out she threw away my cookie crumb friendship offering.</div>
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I don't really blame her. </div>
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I did eventually forgive Madge and she is one of my best friends now, but I harbored the hate for almost 3 years before I finally let it go. </div>
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I'm sad to report I may not have completely grasped the lesson my mom was trying to instill in the 4th grade me - </div>
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love your enemies and forgive easily. </div>
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I am a natural harborer. </div>
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I believe it's because I have such a great memory - but that may just be a euphemism to excuse my own vices. I am also accused of being judgmental, elitist and, at times, unwelcoming. </div>
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This isn't to say I don't have any good qualities - but this post is not about my many (and there are MANY) talents - this is about my quest for change.<br />
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Do I like sharing these faults on the internet with all of my friends, family and acquaintances? </div>
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No, not particularly - but I've come to some new realizations lately and think some of you may benefit from my epiphany. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigd9ElL4dwI15el_cOgJDjlOalBt2PaLiS9Qa5Ba20pMrjc-BMtOSTS1k-CNDNdcs3HYOoAzTwtskj0Dr3nKWu-kDCBWPC4gRDU_fE4W4mzKH1iWrJnSZFoie2OXnMwHlPeTBSbc_NM2rP/s1600/Forgiveness+doesn't+excuse+their+behavior.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigd9ElL4dwI15el_cOgJDjlOalBt2PaLiS9Qa5Ba20pMrjc-BMtOSTS1k-CNDNdcs3HYOoAzTwtskj0Dr3nKWu-kDCBWPC4gRDU_fE4W4mzKH1iWrJnSZFoie2OXnMwHlPeTBSbc_NM2rP/s400/Forgiveness+doesn't+excuse+their+behavior.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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So here are my 5 steps for learning to forgive. </div>
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1) Remember that people rarely hurt you for the fun of it. </div>
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What they do is mostly about them - whether they're doing it unintentionally, in an effort to make themselves feel better or because you did something to them first, it's usually not about you. </div>
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It's about them. </div>
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2) Realize it's easier to forgive than to nurse a grudge for the next 20 years.</div>
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Anger takes energy - let it go and you have much more time for adventures - which is what life is really about anyway right?</div>
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3) Focus on the present </div>
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Instead of dwelling on the past and reliving all the reasons this offender has ruined your life (or the 4th grade) focus on all the great things you've got going on. </div>
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If you're reading this - you are using a computer, which means you have more than most of the people I love in other countries.</div>
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4) Service and selflessness. </div>
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As much as I hate to admit it, my mom was right. By serving someone you think more about them than yourself. You put their needs above yours, which will make you happy. </div>
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Plus, if that doesn't work, they'll at least feel super crappy about being mean to you because you were a sweetheart and they were a jerk. </div>
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5) Cookies. Everyone needs a cookie. </div>
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Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-49973961761879163862013-11-14T14:23:00.000-07:002014-02-03T16:12:55.724-07:00Rylan's Wagon <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The Browning family lived next door to us. </div>
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The Brownings always had an immaculate yard - they spent hours every summer pruning their planter boxes - weeding their large garden and intricately planning the placement of each piece of shrubbery.</div>
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Shrubbery is a weird word. </div>
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Ryan is my little brother. He also lived next door to the Brownings. </div>
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Ryan was an adventurous child. He was convinced he was half dog until the age of eight, put his head through a wall in the middle of temper tantrum and locked my other siblings and I out of the house for two hours while I was babysitting. </div>
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His inadvertently destructive adventures often affected our neighbors - most frequently the Brownings and their impeccable yard. </div>
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He once let an entire bucket full of snakes loose in their raspberries since my mom wouldn't let him keep them as pets. </div>
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Mr. Browning did not always love living next door to Ryan. </div>
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Ryan also had a red radio flyer wagon. He filled his wagon with "treasures" he found - usually in other people's homes, rooms and areas.<br />
Some of the Browning's thing ended up in the wagon. </div>
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This may have been an early sign of kleptomania - we're still watching him. </div>
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One day, immediately after the Brownings had planted a new row of baby trees along their sidewalk, Ryan was out for a walk. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnr4Sv-Z1xcZ889jgBTbP_LCOpG_RJ98HdmCfIVvn412YhabnCh486qMhflf310tmRH8hXVg7q7gIwvyxJaICQI7OlYrfUMnwFe1A-6IwE_gG2oU4xYCCYOJUz2wQ00q0DtrSgsyNzNX4g/s1600/Rylan+and+his+wagon.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnr4Sv-Z1xcZ889jgBTbP_LCOpG_RJ98HdmCfIVvn412YhabnCh486qMhflf310tmRH8hXVg7q7gIwvyxJaICQI7OlYrfUMnwFe1A-6IwE_gG2oU4xYCCYOJUz2wQ00q0DtrSgsyNzNX4g/s400/Rylan+and+his+wagon.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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He came across the baby tree. </div>
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He liked the baby tree. He wanted to take it home as a "treasure".</div>
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He rummaged around in his wagon of stolen things.</div>
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He found an axe he nicked from my Father's toolbench. </div>
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He cut down the Browning's tree. </div>
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And put it in his wagon. </div>
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He then brought the tree home as a keepsake. </div>
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The Brownings watched the whole thing from their window. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWUVzCKoelmQEw-w6PZFeJKGbcjv15PwNqKUcEucmppKWa0fYoIpskZFguJRmGYpa2CW_O2bWV2RYBDgiBI5vgIXnsMcjT-1tOvZ4UJ5FwMUkN3FvLvvATdLRt6hfQkHdG3JplFD3eTnZC/s1600/The+Brownings.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWUVzCKoelmQEw-w6PZFeJKGbcjv15PwNqKUcEucmppKWa0fYoIpskZFguJRmGYpa2CW_O2bWV2RYBDgiBI5vgIXnsMcjT-1tOvZ4UJ5FwMUkN3FvLvvATdLRt6hfQkHdG3JplFD3eTnZC/s400/The+Brownings.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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The End. </div>
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Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-89010968808026281892013-11-07T18:44:00.003-07:002014-02-03T16:13:24.907-07:00Whitney The Thief. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I am not your typical girly girl. </div>
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Yes I love new clothes and a perfect outfit but, as previously explicated in <a href="http://raspywit.blogspot.com/2012/11/why-im-banned-from-ebay.html" target="_blank">Why I'm Banned From E-bay</a>, I do not enjoy traditional shopping. </div>
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Stores hurt my feet, wallet and - most recently - my pride. </div>
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The universe, and all of the stores in my area, have decided I am a thief. </div>
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The universe has no basis for these grounds - I haven't stolen anything since I accidentally took a purple bracelet from a garage sale in the third grade. That time my mom drove me clear across town to return the bracelet or pay the 25 cents.</div>
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I used a piece of my father's silver collection as a quarter and paid for the bracelet...</div>
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but that's another story. </div>
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Since that experience I haven't stolen a thing - other than food from my friends and family - yet I've been a presumed shoplifter four times in the last 2 weeks. </div>
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For some reason I've been setting off store security systems on my way in and out of stores.</div>
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So far I've set off alarms in: </div>
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Kohls</div>
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Ross</div>
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TJ Maxx and </div>
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Smiths Marketplace </div>
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... which is probably because those are the only stores I shop at. </div>
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2 out of 4 of the store experiences went like this: </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy1tlZuIu5ncfH-PXBYhrRXmpCxA3OiWaj5Vkx75WmtBr2-Clls4zcuwSSKukGregav14CW2lwZDc0GRgwPd_yw6BdmbMPvgsuFEp4o8P_eTUQ1uOUK4wrI5cOSJ93FWDcxpTRPLuRP2zt/s1600/Excuse+me+miss,+can+you+come+over+here%3f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy1tlZuIu5ncfH-PXBYhrRXmpCxA3OiWaj5Vkx75WmtBr2-Clls4zcuwSSKukGregav14CW2lwZDc0GRgwPd_yw6BdmbMPvgsuFEp4o8P_eTUQ1uOUK4wrI5cOSJ93FWDcxpTRPLuRP2zt/s400/Excuse+me+miss,+can+you+come+over+here%3f.jpg" width="400" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiehIUZ3pQ5mFfemP1NWxaR0L0YBB-xKqgQ5MRJGwXXd3OShyphenhyphenUBiMoz8yuuGeJz_ecyzVxu9d_WegMwIfUk7de_U1sX7pH_-EcUptyrcWB46Eg1M0J_7bcVIA2kpoBxZ21xO3GBh4P7hYcM/s1600/Dumping+out+my+purse+at+the+register.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiehIUZ3pQ5mFfemP1NWxaR0L0YBB-xKqgQ5MRJGwXXd3OShyphenhyphenUBiMoz8yuuGeJz_ecyzVxu9d_WegMwIfUk7de_U1sX7pH_-EcUptyrcWB46Eg1M0J_7bcVIA2kpoBxZ21xO3GBh4P7hYcM/s400/Dumping+out+my+purse+at+the+register.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Each time I set off the alarms the entire store turns my way, employees skeptically eye my bags and twice I've had to verify the contents of my purse and purchases.</div>
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I've searched my purse - there is no security tag left on the seams. </div>
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I've been wearing different outfits each time I've beeped - I have no metal plates, pins or other metal hardware inside my body (that I know of).</div>
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Theories have been postulated which include:</div>
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A) My recent dental work has become electromagnetic due to the massive amount of microwave food I consume. </div>
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B) I'm the victim of a terrible practical joke in which i've been surgically implanted with a secret security tag. </div>
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C) My cell phone is lonely due to my lack of friends and subsequent lack of texts - so it talks to the sensors. </div>
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All three are viable options.</div>
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But in all seriousness - If you know what's happening to me PLEASE tell me in the comments because it's becoming a problem. And I like comments. </div>
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Up until today only inanimate objects have deemed me a criminal - that changed. </div>
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I went shopping with the woman (my mom) today. </div>
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We went to a few stores - set off a few alarms - and ended up at Sam's Club. </div>
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Usually I like Sam's club - today I did not like Sam's club. </div>
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They have a ridiculous receipt checking policy in which minimum wage workers "check" your receipt against your cart contents before you're allowed to leave the store. </div>
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Many times I've gone through the sensors with friends or family and only shown one receipt for the groceries of two people.</div>
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It's never been noticed. </div>
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Today we got in line to exit to the store and have our merchandise "checked" against our receipt. </div>
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As we're leaving, my mom decides she wants boxes. </div>
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Sam's Club offers the left over boxes from inventory to customers to facilitate easy transfer of purchased items since they do not provide grocery bags.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDdS84cGsw24Qq_QaO7c0BPvjnK58vIKrQVhx0Br48pkTMwrb2u3xne1Rep1pyAtINQxh13FU7t9iONzCoguTxcWMUKq_hdxE5U-0JkIekhxvb1wkP1m1GaE3KLnfk0vMIb8slsHadzDH0/s1600/At+Sams+Club+Cartoon+Go+get+some+boxes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDdS84cGsw24Qq_QaO7c0BPvjnK58vIKrQVhx0Br48pkTMwrb2u3xne1Rep1pyAtINQxh13FU7t9iONzCoguTxcWMUKq_hdxE5U-0JkIekhxvb1wkP1m1GaE3KLnfk0vMIb8slsHadzDH0/s400/At+Sams+Club+Cartoon+Go+get+some+boxes.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I had a box of instant breakfast packets (which I purchased) under my arm so it wouldn't crush the bread on the top of the cart. </div>
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I went back in the store to retrieve boxes. </div>
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Only my mother's receipt was "checked' since mine was in my pocket.</div>
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All of the groceries (except my breakfast packets) went out. </div>
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Behind my mother in the exit line was elderly couple. </div>
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Apparently today's checker knew this elderly couple - they stopped to chat. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH-VgmGvBIzQSRTusbzrz1BSvmJMvTgT75GCbDakMp9eDiJKuX5cIz-4VdwdLvEgrDAJnNEhuGD5kZAmZ3u813NMfX9y_TLHQfFzloc_WkxLgB7KN1551XK-_Ls1BxON6BmYDlstJzduco/s1600/Old+Couple+in+Sams+Club+cartoon+getting+receipt+checked.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH-VgmGvBIzQSRTusbzrz1BSvmJMvTgT75GCbDakMp9eDiJKuX5cIz-4VdwdLvEgrDAJnNEhuGD5kZAmZ3u813NMfX9y_TLHQfFzloc_WkxLgB7KN1551XK-_Ls1BxON6BmYDlstJzduco/s400/Old+Couple+in+Sams+Club+cartoon+getting+receipt+checked.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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As they chatted, the line grew longer and longer. </div>
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As I stood there awkwardly juggling my breakfast packets and three haphazardly stacked boxes I noticed the "enter" door directly adjacent to the "exit" door was line free and staffed by one idle worker. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6FDTqJOuKODNoNdabjv4yb5lsIFdvEw9-6jEIlf2kjCHJm5yHVcNpp9iFywQjDTxnSp1rt4zNcCEx70t0h_CuNIqTTffA2vSiSMfEXBd7ISB-2xWPlzzYMJGODRvno9IVRZIt0iLp2ztY/s1600/Waiting+in+a+VERY+long+line+at+Sam's+Club+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="512" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6FDTqJOuKODNoNdabjv4yb5lsIFdvEw9-6jEIlf2kjCHJm5yHVcNpp9iFywQjDTxnSp1rt4zNcCEx70t0h_CuNIqTTffA2vSiSMfEXBd7ISB-2xWPlzzYMJGODRvno9IVRZIt0iLp2ztY/s640/Waiting+in+a+VERY+long+line+at+Sam's+Club+.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Since I had no cart or receipt in clear view - only my boxes - I decided to try and exit through the enter door. </div>
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This is not allowed.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq-QMtkxla8SudhnG4UCgOyveYEX2c_GFcEcl53pUjV2gZzWmQb6kHyLziXTUELYDlT4pPt3_TiNP28sNHzKarZv0WCNQBXAZK7yqEQ_VecYqEU4rcS7uOnO15lzxhbX1-qLKht5r63KQm/s1600/Trying+to+go+out+the+Enter+Side+of+Sams+Club.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="512" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq-QMtkxla8SudhnG4UCgOyveYEX2c_GFcEcl53pUjV2gZzWmQb6kHyLziXTUELYDlT4pPt3_TiNP28sNHzKarZv0WCNQBXAZK7yqEQ_VecYqEU4rcS7uOnO15lzxhbX1-qLKht5r63KQm/s640/Trying+to+go+out+the+Enter+Side+of+Sams+Club.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8byZUPCRqqGOtpxzsoTM8qQmzW3UMktes5AonoRLPUNjvrOINNKMd3izLjSGc5zsKey2NZ46W8tR-dmvvhEFtAniSQqJAmDWj9gpybz_E7A4bxQvBu3_16saTBGv0G1oqMZQehWOQP9I9/s1600/NO!+You+may+not+go+out+of+the+enter+side+of+Sams+club.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8byZUPCRqqGOtpxzsoTM8qQmzW3UMktes5AonoRLPUNjvrOINNKMd3izLjSGc5zsKey2NZ46W8tR-dmvvhEFtAniSQqJAmDWj9gpybz_E7A4bxQvBu3_16saTBGv0G1oqMZQehWOQP9I9/s400/NO!+You+may+not+go+out+of+the+enter+side+of+Sams+club.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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She said no. </div>
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I thought if I explained myself - that my purchases were already out of the store and I wouldn't steal a package of breakfast packets were I in the habit of pulling heists - she would understand. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkJhwARf4-b642y-hGhyphenhyphenNIxBxa0RPczCbyZDlwOhcU4U-LcPvf2Qd8Zu7TPeOJPsMslPcnsicYW1kEnG8CGwUetOXkQYI_EUIz5m0SAYvjuHzESMfOp_r2lHBthKYFG612YCR3V7FlI23Z/s1600/Really%3F+I+can't+go+out%3f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkJhwARf4-b642y-hGhyphenhyphenNIxBxa0RPczCbyZDlwOhcU4U-LcPvf2Qd8Zu7TPeOJPsMslPcnsicYW1kEnG8CGwUetOXkQYI_EUIz5m0SAYvjuHzESMfOp_r2lHBthKYFG612YCR3V7FlI23Z/s400/Really%3F+I+can't+go+out%3f.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I fished my receipt - with an armful of boxes mind you - out of my back pocket to show her. </div>
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She budged zero amount. </div>
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She also smiled zero amount. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjce_TIgCaGergE7AGGvHotaGjP3wQGYy05Do6wZ8RTKNMzO0H5ouDcaGvYANQkm4HGm26hvqO8EfT_af9I8Io71t_b6hBvKaZSlzUYS8u7Ah8kwcSGYU0czIKoOH-HKcZznmuPTyJthNSa/s1600/Please+go+to+the+back+of+the+line.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjce_TIgCaGergE7AGGvHotaGjP3wQGYy05Do6wZ8RTKNMzO0H5ouDcaGvYANQkm4HGm26hvqO8EfT_af9I8Io71t_b6hBvKaZSlzUYS8u7Ah8kwcSGYU0czIKoOH-HKcZznmuPTyJthNSa/s400/Please+go+to+the+back+of+the+line.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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By this time the other redhead - apparently Sam's Club likes to hire red headed door checkers - had engaged in a full fledged 4 minute long conversation with her elderly friends. </div>
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4 minutes may not seem very long but when you're standing in a line to exit a store you don't want to be at in the first place - 4 minutes is an eternity. </div>
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The line to exit the store was at least 15 carts deep and reached the cash registers 40 feet down the isle. This was getting ridiculous. </div>
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And there was no way I was going to the back of that line. </div>
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I figured I'd give it one last attempt - surely this "enter" employee could dual perform and double check my receipt for the one item I did have with me - my instant breakfast packets. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlZlnnKDRCJ_-FplbymCqWliXakVTSaK14xWRvnybPv6lcxgosRj__NqTpc_Etige8AQGUAoc_YwyWGteyPP5CC-lYmjSQas7NDB_dzoqGAP8wWg1XTJBkcW9o0PePfTPQHyn3Mi2PSnom/s1600/Will+you+check+my+Sams+Club+Receipt%3f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlZlnnKDRCJ_-FplbymCqWliXakVTSaK14xWRvnybPv6lcxgosRj__NqTpc_Etige8AQGUAoc_YwyWGteyPP5CC-lYmjSQas7NDB_dzoqGAP8wWg1XTJBkcW9o0PePfTPQHyn3Mi2PSnom/s400/Will+you+check+my+Sams+Club+Receipt%3f.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Also a no. </div>
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Tera does not check receipts. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdM_r_fwAjPJkZVD8b8ZMixH4sdfjRMFWQfxGvMUdbOuy-787mfcXkMqUZxKYcOnDJ5YlBHBNI0xyvDzoZTOdp9RVYWuBsmPMYimGPZ7i-Of0g8CxF9l7z46T7r5WVWN2qLhzLAgyzz561/s1600/NO%2521+You+may+not+go+out+of+the+enter+side+of+Sams+club.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdM_r_fwAjPJkZVD8b8ZMixH4sdfjRMFWQfxGvMUdbOuy-787mfcXkMqUZxKYcOnDJ5YlBHBNI0xyvDzoZTOdp9RVYWuBsmPMYimGPZ7i-Of0g8CxF9l7z46T7r5WVWN2qLhzLAgyzz561/s400/NO%2521+You+may+not+go+out+of+the+enter+side+of+Sams+club.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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So I returned to my former place in line. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhegFNZGpmdLaVUYab739s31I6HmmvWRAv9Lz2wMZodS6bUJfrmz_yzqL6hZ8WgMsvRtqr2NxiH0AKs14IB3ngQJmscfH3V2Ts0A3jq-MK4aARbRwzph0UE6JX7lIw42YZqooZ8ZKOigbH9/s1600/Waiting+in+a+VERY+long+line+at+Sam%2527s+Club+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhegFNZGpmdLaVUYab739s31I6HmmvWRAv9Lz2wMZodS6bUJfrmz_yzqL6hZ8WgMsvRtqr2NxiH0AKs14IB3ngQJmscfH3V2Ts0A3jq-MK4aARbRwzph0UE6JX7lIw42YZqooZ8ZKOigbH9/s400/Waiting+in+a+VERY+long+line+at+Sam%2527s+Club+.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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The "Enter" redhead - her name is Tera (name not changed since she was a grumpy - take that Tera) threw me a dirty look when I retook my place behind the talkative elderly couple rather than trudge back 50 feet. </div>
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Tera finally realized the line was getting exceedingly long and decided her job description did include receipt checking after all. </div>
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She walked over to the man directly behind me, checked his receipt and allowed him to leave the store. </div>
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Right about this time the lessons learned in AP government and the voice of my liberal, highly political uncle Steve invaded my head. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHkltKmhTO2w49PRCE3B-E7amNozKkvW7m7v5vvGrz8B0v1TFmPpdCW2SXS-b9Ynutsi7pDDWeD-Xocmgfj3APv16HnIOM_LyS8QaRY-eXY71gA80ZjrJTlA8arNXvkOhuvlv7zrz8MrsC/s1600/They+can't+keep+me+here!+This+is+America!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHkltKmhTO2w49PRCE3B-E7amNozKkvW7m7v5vvGrz8B0v1TFmPpdCW2SXS-b9Ynutsi7pDDWeD-Xocmgfj3APv16HnIOM_LyS8QaRY-eXY71gA80ZjrJTlA8arNXvkOhuvlv7zrz8MrsC/s400/They+can't+keep+me+here!+This+is+America!.jpg" width="400" /></a><br />
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I felt an illogical and misplaced surge of patriotism and decided I would defy the receipt checkers.</div>
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This was the land of the free by golly and I was going to be free! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2kUPldGLzvmo6YOYKbcVmE8J_GyhdjW1jyNDWN7bUXY_M2l9kikqUxNW0ZK119Q99O7Q1nHvkYDYbxsUgNr21g_KN5sfgQnr9lj8zYzxFL7UyyWxiNohtHGGu9wLTWlpxThYtb5Uvy-jn/s1600/Besides+What+Can+they+Do%3f+Tackle+me%3f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2kUPldGLzvmo6YOYKbcVmE8J_GyhdjW1jyNDWN7bUXY_M2l9kikqUxNW0ZK119Q99O7Q1nHvkYDYbxsUgNr21g_KN5sfgQnr9lj8zYzxFL7UyyWxiNohtHGGu9wLTWlpxThYtb5Uvy-jn/s400/Besides+What+Can+they+Do%3f+Tackle+me%3f.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Yes. Yes they do that. </div>
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Next thing I knew I was being chased and verbally accosted by my new friend Tera. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPvYNGoWjcsGDwYl-_Cmq7vSiDo8qFlXU8D415hekTAkMrPKeGvn-J2eVlcVYOk8CNja_OQbUANedFjwupbhnZVQBE9paqXabK7eY137dBbrP5ny5i0p0BAy-cYA5a0T2jI3jBZo1y8K5K/s1600/Stop!+You're+receipt+hasn't+been+checked!+Sam's+Club+Cartoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPvYNGoWjcsGDwYl-_Cmq7vSiDo8qFlXU8D415hekTAkMrPKeGvn-J2eVlcVYOk8CNja_OQbUANedFjwupbhnZVQBE9paqXabK7eY137dBbrP5ny5i0p0BAy-cYA5a0T2jI3jBZo1y8K5K/s400/Stop!+You're+receipt+hasn't+been+checked!+Sam's+Club+Cartoon.jpg" width="400" /></a><br />
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But there was no stopping me. </div>
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I was going to refuse checking on moral grounds now - on patriotic principle! </div>
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I was a receipt withholding American citizen with the freedom to leave Sam's however I please. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm-BS5tzFP0S2jh_eN8I6Rf0unyk0TVOrm02yKwzXs-VKQCMjM1boZ2E63DUgtTOV2_1gbv1amI0L_DtDprTbIK3Yv7lGN3N_1HUfUZck985kfTJc4U1V9aAx_UN0Z4s-vrOUulovbuIiT/s1600/leaving+Sam's+Club+without+checking+your+receipt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm-BS5tzFP0S2jh_eN8I6Rf0unyk0TVOrm02yKwzXs-VKQCMjM1boZ2E63DUgtTOV2_1gbv1amI0L_DtDprTbIK3Yv7lGN3N_1HUfUZck985kfTJc4U1V9aAx_UN0Z4s-vrOUulovbuIiT/s400/leaving+Sam's+Club+without+checking+your+receipt.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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She really yelled for Back-up. I thought that was just something people did in movies and dramatic cop dramas - I've now learned it's a part of the Sam's Club employee handbook. </div>
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By the way - remember the 15 cart line up? </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu28WiwEJtMzlVRA33AVIxEgGpFAN96ns_0vYM2Q9llptSia4Va2d1HreVfu2Pn98wvCE9PpvyP-2lCg31bNzK_I6A45CJFNgyqTjgimvd3mo6KjIQmIsrmS6NRDf5mmjqUzVh5_fWrTY6/s1600/Cart+line+of+people+watching+Sam's+Club+tackle+me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu28WiwEJtMzlVRA33AVIxEgGpFAN96ns_0vYM2Q9llptSia4Va2d1HreVfu2Pn98wvCE9PpvyP-2lCg31bNzK_I6A45CJFNgyqTjgimvd3mo6KjIQmIsrmS6NRDf5mmjqUzVh5_fWrTY6/s400/Cart+line+of+people+watching+Sam's+Club+tackle+me.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Yup, still there and enjoying the spectacle. </div>
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Now remember how I told her to "try and stop me"? </div>
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I assumed her attempts to stop me would be rhetoric based.... </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYhiR23fMnVNPdM98B3zWhfbS4ENitCie2QuKoTLXEyiuI1UWDv3af72WOyslg3V3BMTWVz8TnumUZFuPk-uSmLrhXYk88MMfLg2TkYxpoC7qi27wvYBR4JRU3C_oBMl5nVAtxX9bNCHzm/s1600/Sam's+Club+Employee+lunges+at+me.+I'm+supposed+to+stop+you!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYhiR23fMnVNPdM98B3zWhfbS4ENitCie2QuKoTLXEyiuI1UWDv3af72WOyslg3V3BMTWVz8TnumUZFuPk-uSmLrhXYk88MMfLg2TkYxpoC7qi27wvYBR4JRU3C_oBMl5nVAtxX9bNCHzm/s400/Sam's+Club+Employee+lunges+at+me.+I'm+supposed+to+stop+you!.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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They were not. </div>
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Tera lunged at/around me in order to apprehend me - the probable breakfast burglar. </div>
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I don't remember her actually touching me so much as the boxes I was precariously balancing - but whatever she did was effective. </div>
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I went down. </div>
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She moved surprisingly fast considering her body type. </div>
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She was back up by the time "back-up" arrived. </div>
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Then she tattled on me like a little girl. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC2kmtXmn6Qce6369FYgAa9A0IY3BihV8kazxmDL4Bo2R2N-YvmWbPt7SGQzW8qmLnTwCp_EwuNFQgedKdgGk-4Y5WT8zaZygosoEVRsK_hoSYBeyjhrpAVL3icJ7anrGxhjmIQB3CPhjb/s1600/I+refused+receit+check+at+Sam's+Club!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC2kmtXmn6Qce6369FYgAa9A0IY3BihV8kazxmDL4Bo2R2N-YvmWbPt7SGQzW8qmLnTwCp_EwuNFQgedKdgGk-4Y5WT8zaZygosoEVRsK_hoSYBeyjhrpAVL3icJ7anrGxhjmIQB3CPhjb/s400/I+refused+receit+check+at+Sam's+Club!.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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The "Back-up" was great big huge. </div>
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I can see why they chose him to be "Back-up"</div>
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He picked up my receipt and looked it over - glancing between my long "unmarked" receipt and the pile of empty boxes on the floor.</div>
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I belligerently stood up, gathered my boxed and stood right in front of him, just to see what the giant back-up would do. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht5XHj0frYl035xV4UcP0U18iscvoVzw0PaFnW5bEGM2U-Mcr2xZ5NWOYDxIs3kDchFk5VDI2B7H8LavsVs1E2ub1W4UEkmjbB64MUiabx8ZzW2XuOulAXDRXocxlGW5PzVDzlcMl_H66T/s1600/Backup+was+a+big+man.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht5XHj0frYl035xV4UcP0U18iscvoVzw0PaFnW5bEGM2U-Mcr2xZ5NWOYDxIs3kDchFk5VDI2B7H8LavsVs1E2ub1W4UEkmjbB64MUiabx8ZzW2XuOulAXDRXocxlGW5PzVDzlcMl_H66T/s400/Backup+was+a+big+man.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I tried to show him my fury with my eyes. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB0-aQtkcEmNBv-f8su1DgLUIng8iuj9VbM5GTSfnWINDiQKanATcW2EO-x4_9VNrf4GfpKzRmVdRaTVHh79DUBMnhQk5ndSSG7zMN6dIZg9mMB3g9oaFen1umnQEwyHOyGLeB-atXtQ6E/s1600/Fury+Eyes.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB0-aQtkcEmNBv-f8su1DgLUIng8iuj9VbM5GTSfnWINDiQKanATcW2EO-x4_9VNrf4GfpKzRmVdRaTVHh79DUBMnhQk5ndSSG7zMN6dIZg9mMB3g9oaFen1umnQEwyHOyGLeB-atXtQ6E/s320/Fury+Eyes.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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He didn't seem to notice. He just gave me back my receipt and let me go. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvZsbccXGXfVTxfpC1-6j3MkpgSXIWoyQsc0_S6KNKKXhojO07RlThQXYEf-5xDaqM3M7JaaAl0x2wgfMlQ1CAcl_Ej_3ieOjqDfMa_5rRSSzgQGOdXKdortjw_vJlDjrtM7F1_ne3kqHD/s1600/You+can+Go.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvZsbccXGXfVTxfpC1-6j3MkpgSXIWoyQsc0_S6KNKKXhojO07RlThQXYEf-5xDaqM3M7JaaAl0x2wgfMlQ1CAcl_Ej_3ieOjqDfMa_5rRSSzgQGOdXKdortjw_vJlDjrtM7F1_ne3kqHD/s400/You+can+Go.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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But I didn't go. </div>
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Instead I walked out the door to my mother waiting in the car, dropped the boxes and my breakfast packets and marched right back in the door. </div>
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I stormed over to the service desk and demanded to see a manager, because I was angry. </div>
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The longer I waited, however, the less hard and angry I became. </div>
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Instead all of those angry emotions turned to sad emotions - probably because I'm an estrogen infused sissy at heart. By the time the manager got there I was crying in the tire section. </div>
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My eloquent and thought out polemic wouldn't come out of my bumbling quivering mouth - instead I just spouted my callow grievances and told them "Tera was mean to me". </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIhI-yIAlyEuJY7I3iv6PufFbopsxQdCDy00L8AC7Q5O29fK5T_FFXGge3jFJsSlokO3g5dv7Tqgwncyyebd50dKeT1ItfjHfHIP-kgXsguIJ-AWr3RlF0Wp6YbSbTN6dweb09uGS39O4Y/s1600/blubbering+to+the+manager+of+Sam's+Club.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIhI-yIAlyEuJY7I3iv6PufFbopsxQdCDy00L8AC7Q5O29fK5T_FFXGge3jFJsSlokO3g5dv7Tqgwncyyebd50dKeT1ItfjHfHIP-kgXsguIJ-AWr3RlF0Wp6YbSbTN6dweb09uGS39O4Y/s400/blubbering+to+the+manager+of+Sam's+Club.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I'm pretty sure nothing was done about it. I just stormed out in tears and got in my mom's car. </div>
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And, to add insult to injury, I forgot to pick up my pictures. </div>
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I can't even boycott Sam's Club for a whole week.</div>
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And stores still think I'm a thief. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHLTl39UK_XkXdOHbLn0rWNfm143QF3Ot1UM_zc6tKqwiWAJXc2U3gF5gxlzm0YUEUGCN41SpvYW36Qz33GnmwgH_8G6Z-M76gGaVb119KVKl1Voya1OvYMz1u50f4z4AMuNjmxiqyVZdF/s1600/Sad+Raspy+Wit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHLTl39UK_XkXdOHbLn0rWNfm143QF3Ot1UM_zc6tKqwiWAJXc2U3gF5gxlzm0YUEUGCN41SpvYW36Qz33GnmwgH_8G6Z-M76gGaVb119KVKl1Voya1OvYMz1u50f4z4AMuNjmxiqyVZdF/s400/Sad+Raspy+Wit.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Feel sad for me. </div>
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The End. </div>
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Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-26163817960570088052013-10-13T19:59:00.005-06:002013-10-14T13:32:56.230-06:00A Bird in the House!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It was an ordinary day at the Fuller house. </div>
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(...Not my real last name. My mom has qualms about sharing "real" personal information on the internet. First names, however, are the same. Usually. )</div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">7:45 a.m. </span></div>
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Mom had already run 8 miles, showered, dried her hair, woken up the boys for the first time, applied her makeup, started breakfast, woken up my brothers for the SECOND time and ended up in the laundry room to start the FIRST load of laundry for the day. </div>
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Since she was baking a particularly fragrant breakfast she had opened the windows and doors to the kitchen to allow for a breeze before retreating to the laundry room.</div>
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In case you can't tell - my mom is kind of like wonder woman.</div>
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After their second wake up call, my two brothers still living at home came trudging down the stairs to await their homemade breakfast. </div>
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If you've ever teenage boys come down the stairs for breakfast you know how pathetic this scene is. </div>
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Rylan, the youngest of the brothers, has an unhealthy obsession with his "6-pack when he lays down." This obsession, and the fact that he considers himself quite sexy, leave him frequently lounging about in nothing more than his boxers. </div>
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Thank goodness he doesn't prefer briefs. </div>
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His inability to clothe himself regularly is a common source of conflict at the Fuller house. </div>
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This morning was no different than any other - Rylan descended the stairs shirtless. </div>
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An unfortunate choice given the impending events.</div>
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So... heavy-eyed, sluggish and, in Rylan's case, almost naked, the two lumbered down. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1uXF8-dIScPFDpSnrixJxbbUemgch9gLCAHbwawbx7ajRHB4HVnArytcgi51ghO60cwjI9khjnmFJlHuN_pMPkP5SB155nsKelsCMiHzzMz2XnOyTBKCW4Cjl6fK1Fv21NbX_BhQJvITT/s1600/Sleepy+brothers+come+down+the+stairs+in+the+morning+cartoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1uXF8-dIScPFDpSnrixJxbbUemgch9gLCAHbwawbx7ajRHB4HVnArytcgi51ghO60cwjI9khjnmFJlHuN_pMPkP5SB155nsKelsCMiHzzMz2XnOyTBKCW4Cjl6fK1Fv21NbX_BhQJvITT/s640/Sleepy+brothers+come+down+the+stairs+in+the+morning+cartoon.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Had they been fully awake and cognitively functional they would have seen this:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlRTdz7rdKSKOXPvUU8spVGFK7W_2w53CiI9R-uMwGDHeyZqX4ja6Kk6ZKuooE-wxeYidLHbxqY3bxMjFuMZmIGrTdyRgzK7IwiKS8MdN6xZhseK74LvcXyLruLoK9BaV88AqQK8Kovk4P/s1600/Bird+in+the+house.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlRTdz7rdKSKOXPvUU8spVGFK7W_2w53CiI9R-uMwGDHeyZqX4ja6Kk6ZKuooE-wxeYidLHbxqY3bxMjFuMZmIGrTdyRgzK7IwiKS8MdN6xZhseK74LvcXyLruLoK9BaV88AqQK8Kovk4P/s400/Bird+in+the+house.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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Instead the scene was ignored until something, nippy air on his shirtless body I presume, pried Rylan's eyes all the way open. </div>
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He reacted loudly. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYLeWOMqUeYD3RZSs19WHMlynYsy-9Ac-gcnqdo5n2fuALuvLO85aRcU1b8p3bz0ILLvOvvGGQXnbX5D0d3tCGpeD4zS_pYmltCkLbj22YOBL-14TdLC_T1BtMSMKRu-BdinHDM-HX-qfQ/s1600/CORY!+BIRD!.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYLeWOMqUeYD3RZSs19WHMlynYsy-9Ac-gcnqdo5n2fuALuvLO85aRcU1b8p3bz0ILLvOvvGGQXnbX5D0d3tCGpeD4zS_pYmltCkLbj22YOBL-14TdLC_T1BtMSMKRu-BdinHDM-HX-qfQ/s400/CORY!+BIRD!.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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This scared the bird. </div>
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Cory, in turn, reacted loudly. </div>
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They were both fully awake at this point. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0OkHcTGyM6EAKyuVf5gm_R_Jj0q3IaHKMp4fN6s7BMbrA7Nm-KHFZErzSR6k6aob5RDCvCwogkrd_1ERBYD6s34aQ-CCk0lDxauaNpbUNk7HZIGyF1BJQDCfBNF_ecR85ccKlEJmikRKN/s1600/AHHH!+BIRD!+CARTOON.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0OkHcTGyM6EAKyuVf5gm_R_Jj0q3IaHKMp4fN6s7BMbrA7Nm-KHFZErzSR6k6aob5RDCvCwogkrd_1ERBYD6s34aQ-CCk0lDxauaNpbUNk7HZIGyF1BJQDCfBNF_ecR85ccKlEJmikRKN/s400/AHHH!+BIRD!+CARTOON.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Rylan moved to safety. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhLLZ1TfyZCnBiojZpMQtlk8XvEnIScZ2ELiZSX8Q0I45iDcmJb3N7VBjvhUXJV7L2VUtDf0CmQm2a9cHd-gP07K5d5Es6IsFi-7U0GtJ50lRVG5a-jyQLgpzn9kVCp9klBokwohCtiWAD/s1600/Rylan+hides+behind+couch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhLLZ1TfyZCnBiojZpMQtlk8XvEnIScZ2ELiZSX8Q0I45iDcmJb3N7VBjvhUXJV7L2VUtDf0CmQm2a9cHd-gP07K5d5Es6IsFi-7U0GtJ50lRVG5a-jyQLgpzn9kVCp9klBokwohCtiWAD/s400/Rylan+hides+behind+couch.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Then they called for a big strong protector:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRSlCm59rwVsxKcY5s3CqbN03JF34v31VBxmfPKGdFUIvvr0Z209oLYiJyCO8wmxzqUi5mq2d-2w4U_GFcMiyKV9D2zONwDVmQ_ngjVSVpMDfpJi6obiefmfhL83rEVSLMp-jjNcNAJGbR/s1600/Mom!+The+bird+is+going+to+get+us.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRSlCm59rwVsxKcY5s3CqbN03JF34v31VBxmfPKGdFUIvvr0Z209oLYiJyCO8wmxzqUi5mq2d-2w4U_GFcMiyKV9D2zONwDVmQ_ngjVSVpMDfpJi6obiefmfhL83rEVSLMp-jjNcNAJGbR/s400/Mom!+The+bird+is+going+to+get+us.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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My mom, who had been dutifully laundering the clothing in the other room, came out to see what the ruckus was all about. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVRmIhf_DyuvHshPZMVdxmFAPYLAd7vuB7Bh_zjW7unZN6OQU-8gzojj1mP6H0sQrjDLDpMB9-RMX4LG0Qn1-Yz75nRnHnpqRC6lmsenTsmZUe3trQ1LgNHLzTXTOKqhc_gBZjWe6Z-Dsn/s1600/Mom+-+what+are+you+yelling+about%3f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVRmIhf_DyuvHshPZMVdxmFAPYLAd7vuB7Bh_zjW7unZN6OQU-8gzojj1mP6H0sQrjDLDpMB9-RMX4LG0Qn1-Yz75nRnHnpqRC6lmsenTsmZUe3trQ1LgNHLzTXTOKqhc_gBZjWe6Z-Dsn/s400/Mom+-+what+are+you+yelling+about%3f.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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She found out quite quickly. </div>
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Rylan and mom set about defending the home from the rogue bird, grabbing the first item that could be used for weaponry and considering themselves armed. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3bVNWLw1bLkarZkDvUOgvexuhx4JRjIIlPQbyvTQKQoLLWtgHBvXIEtIwC2dzp9FyVf-SrX9ewh7_FfGoiz2wg2J8Z_68vx4q8ZkGLAgFVQtXrAnXUR676CTrI5LnBo4jlfouRlYlFgvH/s1600/mom+and+rylan+with+weapons.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3bVNWLw1bLkarZkDvUOgvexuhx4JRjIIlPQbyvTQKQoLLWtgHBvXIEtIwC2dzp9FyVf-SrX9ewh7_FfGoiz2wg2J8Z_68vx4q8ZkGLAgFVQtXrAnXUR676CTrI5LnBo4jlfouRlYlFgvH/s400/mom+and+rylan+with+weapons.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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They were out for bird blood. </div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">8:10</span></div>
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I happen to live across the street from my parents. At 8 A.M. I was up and attempting to cook my own breakfast.</div>
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I was all set up and ready to make some delicious french toast when I realized I had no eggs. </div>
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Since I conveniently live 15 yards from my mother's house - and I often treat her pantry as a grocery store anyway - I started out to procure eggs for the soon to be delicious french toast. </div>
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The doors were open, so I didn't knock. </div>
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I rounded the corner from the Hallway to the kitchen with a cheerful greeting:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjrWNYpR0Kyr-6Tlg8TiR5SKOhmarqWvZaGHWh5aSfnUWcYZsrGiTl6JvVilpMxqC-kERXMePLs1y87SxCoDb8vAUWCC8RlAE-8ySyw-2O5v0ley8USGs8ERnjs0bDNJlEW42fQeiwQ46p/s1600/Good+Morning+Family!+What's+going+on%E2%80%A6..jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjrWNYpR0Kyr-6Tlg8TiR5SKOhmarqWvZaGHWh5aSfnUWcYZsrGiTl6JvVilpMxqC-kERXMePLs1y87SxCoDb8vAUWCC8RlAE-8ySyw-2O5v0ley8USGs8ERnjs0bDNJlEW42fQeiwQ46p/s400/Good+Morning+Family!+What's+going+on%E2%80%A6..jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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This is what I saw:<br />
Cory was screaming like a little princess.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3XD7qF2iPJpe3rMpHCfl0t0oIwxp8MqRkwH_wlxOOjy09Bo3E-bRi0d4oQuxRIgkiH6LgxCJeKgfB0QabMvHb2D8UFO6BqsEozW9rrkipu8MZvmsPv67hWO44PRsLu7U0t4G0v1IOJ22K/s1600/mom+and+rylan+with+weapons,+pansy+cory+on+the+couch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3XD7qF2iPJpe3rMpHCfl0t0oIwxp8MqRkwH_wlxOOjy09Bo3E-bRi0d4oQuxRIgkiH6LgxCJeKgfB0QabMvHb2D8UFO6BqsEozW9rrkipu8MZvmsPv67hWO44PRsLu7U0t4G0v1IOJ22K/s400/mom+and+rylan+with+weapons,+pansy+cory+on+the+couch.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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It was not a typical morning. </div>
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I was not about to miss out on this opportunity so I suited up too, arming myself with a nearby LaCross stick. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7WhjrdPpFEooxvnHwZGwgph1xtl5fFspeN1q8zGWeL121xxUKaOHrK9WtLxq1CDTtXFCAuBwJPtIgW6ByDdoqvhG1XsIpbB6mrJP3gGN_WuC4D1bE7Il0QmcDhp-cn_dzho2MGqzVagks/s1600/Lax+stick+weapon!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7WhjrdPpFEooxvnHwZGwgph1xtl5fFspeN1q8zGWeL121xxUKaOHrK9WtLxq1CDTtXFCAuBwJPtIgW6ByDdoqvhG1XsIpbB6mrJP3gGN_WuC4D1bE7Il0QmcDhp-cn_dzho2MGqzVagks/s400/Lax+stick+weapon!.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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The next 20 minutes went something like this: </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDsLpMyK-j4TirDH2dq_5n-WyULMXqnBlParNlgQUhseeSFxqZThiHl-T2WUjxkw-glvBifXf-5yWXI48AH3hHqmUm7uHhzZjZ6yRC-KWsr3tZFhwmUgA4sdu7r9gRFegB2Cx8SWnFkC7V/s1600/Mom+swings+frying+pan+at+bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDsLpMyK-j4TirDH2dq_5n-WyULMXqnBlParNlgQUhseeSFxqZThiHl-T2WUjxkw-glvBifXf-5yWXI48AH3hHqmUm7uHhzZjZ6yRC-KWsr3tZFhwmUgA4sdu7r9gRFegB2Cx8SWnFkC7V/s400/Mom+swings+frying+pan+at+bird.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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So we decided to trap him in the laundry room. </div>
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The three of us herded him towards the door with our loud voice and vicious weapons. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOQkIMGxAtXgwfKI2AzLnA18UWVzFNb847qZmGImcUeE-A4ACHIwXnJfVAggR828C7Ump1qSyDGuviqNEKCr1Z-VAWU_cBz8A-E5UQ0QJqJKlu6YO5lyNfKYlWEY3LqqMUG6VmVBUtrOmB/s1600/Scaring+the+bird+into+the+Laundry+Room.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOQkIMGxAtXgwfKI2AzLnA18UWVzFNb847qZmGImcUeE-A4ACHIwXnJfVAggR828C7Ump1qSyDGuviqNEKCr1Z-VAWU_cBz8A-E5UQ0QJqJKlu6YO5lyNfKYlWEY3LqqMUG6VmVBUtrOmB/s400/Scaring+the+bird+into+the+Laundry+Room.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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It worked. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8X8UravuTaKzOFxSlSeFKgwCN7E83x52YG-I6wFwaNhM0P7-8QoTfKvTKXHGdF_4aEiAF4PSGCTs-pOHMS9K0KW8nOHojgYwN3_W1B_zJ08VvE9ccklKujCuGmoKCR0JK3Y016mOOj8HH/s1600/Hooray!+We+got+the+bird+in+the+laundry+room!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8X8UravuTaKzOFxSlSeFKgwCN7E83x52YG-I6wFwaNhM0P7-8QoTfKvTKXHGdF_4aEiAF4PSGCTs-pOHMS9K0KW8nOHojgYwN3_W1B_zJ08VvE9ccklKujCuGmoKCR0JK3Y016mOOj8HH/s400/Hooray!+We+got+the+bird+in+the+laundry+room!.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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There happens to be a door leading outdoors in the laundry room. </div>
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We sent the shirtless wonder in to open it up, without letting the bird back into the main house of course, and hoped the bird would fly out on his own. </div>
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We left Mr. Bird alone for about 30 minutes. </div>
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Cory re-surfaced during that time and brought our little sister with him. </div>
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And then there were 5. </div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">9:00 A.M.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">There were window banging sounds and wing flapping wind swooshes coming from the other side of the laundry room door. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcHYjhu7RyNZ7f2K8YeklBfXX6ajHIRpS5wKTsPzq-kaFjfypDZFf7STYOhyphenhyphen4P3eq7pBbNoUvN6LFtueKQuMTG0ToWisrIbHRJ_VpLkjjALNUmc6cxZzJUBTQ0GL7z4JVLqfgiof_nzSBE/s1600/5+people+around+a+door+cartoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcHYjhu7RyNZ7f2K8YeklBfXX6ajHIRpS5wKTsPzq-kaFjfypDZFf7STYOhyphenhyphen4P3eq7pBbNoUvN6LFtueKQuMTG0ToWisrIbHRJ_VpLkjjALNUmc6cxZzJUBTQ0GL7z4JVLqfgiof_nzSBE/s400/5+people+around+a+door+cartoon.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">It was obvious the bird was not bright enough to find his own way out of the wide open porch door. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"> An idea was hatched. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Birds don't like loud noises.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Dogs bark very loudly. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Birds also do not like Dogs. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Birds flee from Dogs.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">We should get the dogs to chase the bird out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvgZgoCxcjdJYt2Uzw9g0A-8vc4xQF8TToFopXlF4heCMcMLYGu5XRgept3eRmhv5ZZr9pe1NKOmya4MRFPNC4kRm2EHPcYcCMtePwXp04J8CS8tm3bRhrMC3CvOe4ctI5wpRy9Jm-Z6Fj/s1600/Rylan+Calls+duke.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvgZgoCxcjdJYt2Uzw9g0A-8vc4xQF8TToFopXlF4heCMcMLYGu5XRgept3eRmhv5ZZr9pe1NKOmya4MRFPNC4kRm2EHPcYcCMtePwXp04J8CS8tm3bRhrMC3CvOe4ctI5wpRy9Jm-Z6Fj/s400/Rylan+Calls+duke.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Cory disappeared to hatch his own plan. </span></div>
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This is Duke. </div>
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Duke is a mut. His mom is a lab and his dad was a neighborly Blue Heeler. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKG8jB_JXDHBd5n-wsWCgTHBbTgK3G9hkhokb4jFRxrVhoTvPUwTo_qVIJZDpvLxZVEWq1e2xqLfI0KUvfD3_gi9MWCe-sb4_axuHP_CCsjKmW38W-A_daQ33_jZuHchrQRAig_GJ2BEW2/s1600/Duke+is+a+Fat+Dog+cartoon+(triange+dog).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKG8jB_JXDHBd5n-wsWCgTHBbTgK3G9hkhokb4jFRxrVhoTvPUwTo_qVIJZDpvLxZVEWq1e2xqLfI0KUvfD3_gi9MWCe-sb4_axuHP_CCsjKmW38W-A_daQ33_jZuHchrQRAig_GJ2BEW2/s640/Duke+is+a+Fat+Dog+cartoon+(triange+dog).jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Originally Duke was a normal sized labrador looking dog. </div>
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He has since developed an appetite for everything - edible and otherwise. </div>
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He eats the cat's food, his food, his friend Mogli's food and various things he steals out of the trash can daily.</div>
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He is a fat Duke. </div>
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He's so fat, in fact, he makes a pyramid shape when he sits. </div>
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He's so fat we literally cannot put a collar on him because his neck is significantly thicker than his head. </div>
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Don't think we are terrible pet owners - we have tried many times to put Duke on a diet, but he will honestly eat ANYTHING. </div>
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Moral of this side story - Duke is fat. Duke eats everything. </div>
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Anyway - we called Duke in to scare the bird out of the laundry room. </div>
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Initially, it was almost working. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOK5X5vVCwlGC1nCIOKqyN_FGXSb7Kr0YuXhDVj9t_tfGX11jco50RTcD-aA4gAZpJI70UYuh4LknC2aXF4WWALrMD7StKXnWWM-tSrtK7s_E93SUY9_Qxpol8EqjsvexnxHswEQNciO6g/s1600/Dog+barks+at+bird+cartoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOK5X5vVCwlGC1nCIOKqyN_FGXSb7Kr0YuXhDVj9t_tfGX11jco50RTcD-aA4gAZpJI70UYuh4LknC2aXF4WWALrMD7StKXnWWM-tSrtK7s_E93SUY9_Qxpol8EqjsvexnxHswEQNciO6g/s400/Dog+barks+at+bird+cartoon.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Instead of scaring the bird out the door, Duke just scared it into the opposite corner of the room.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm1rKOIy1oub0toTc10FPoqHp3_jRk_BRJyieTzgFJxeUowpBp3v3qZMZaLF_uNza3AL2nEXKhzztxSbCoK90uEOkz8TWlKGQ0_cbelen_NQHrrdCI8LoCGdMs55FOMz2SLI5hzjgStO46/s1600/Dog+barks+at+bird+cartoon+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm1rKOIy1oub0toTc10FPoqHp3_jRk_BRJyieTzgFJxeUowpBp3v3qZMZaLF_uNza3AL2nEXKhzztxSbCoK90uEOkz8TWlKGQ0_cbelen_NQHrrdCI8LoCGdMs55FOMz2SLI5hzjgStO46/s400/Dog+barks+at+bird+cartoon+2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Obviously Duke just needed to be on the other side of the bird, so it could scare it into the OTHER corner. The Corner with the door in it. </div>
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So Rylan helped Duke out.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZRyUEfJ4Bs5GGTBcepm2IcqwK-j8zzmiuFpVLxHfQJ7nLJNEGkXR0GctY6nvn_sanuuRJf-n_a6gsZF27k5vf_kDkhWPFz74eX_BA5F90Lz-nvw42COZOYuPS2ccKpSo9BJwm0KpxVZ3W/s1600/Rylan+will+help+Duke+up.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZRyUEfJ4Bs5GGTBcepm2IcqwK-j8zzmiuFpVLxHfQJ7nLJNEGkXR0GctY6nvn_sanuuRJf-n_a6gsZF27k5vf_kDkhWPFz74eX_BA5F90Lz-nvw42COZOYuPS2ccKpSo9BJwm0KpxVZ3W/s400/Rylan+will+help+Duke+up.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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He lifted Duke up to get the bird out of the corner. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYYFsLVPK_r4IyBUN7r04GJn0TW9HoR6vQoIaREHRMxIjf_lYoKlOoC8TApavcErEHWlKyErsUqmFwlQssaFUVD-mf9UPZ5egyFFpt2vC7NXL9Z8ykKxNpX2yCw72Opgf0VbUUYV9l0Ssy/s1600/Rylan+lifting+fat+Duke.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYYFsLVPK_r4IyBUN7r04GJn0TW9HoR6vQoIaREHRMxIjf_lYoKlOoC8TApavcErEHWlKyErsUqmFwlQssaFUVD-mf9UPZ5egyFFpt2vC7NXL9Z8ykKxNpX2yCw72Opgf0VbUUYV9l0Ssy/s400/Rylan+lifting+fat+Duke.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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It worked. </div>
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Not exactly the way we had intended it to though... </div>
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<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNlrlcAMapaD6RD7-9UJFxIwRPXUYHaZABM7BvEMOCb_2K1ocHT9YMXEgv7LhCy3_hS-nYLM7gla7uARaP8fm6BSQVeXsOZtNfT7m-Yeq02jOcSLFklqpatMbMtTaNoxRyKuPUvf5igj37/s1600/Rylan+Lets+Cartoon+Duke+Dog+Eat+a+Bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNlrlcAMapaD6RD7-9UJFxIwRPXUYHaZABM7BvEMOCb_2K1ocHT9YMXEgv7LhCy3_hS-nYLM7gla7uARaP8fm6BSQVeXsOZtNfT7m-Yeq02jOcSLFklqpatMbMtTaNoxRyKuPUvf5igj37/s400/Rylan+Lets+Cartoon+Duke+Dog+Eat+a+Bird.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbj1URyTVGIEwmIPEK4YgKoTBfpBpw5RV4UYrF0a3cyxAYbDpNWh6Buh_99CKeiydOfhXgyRQFkpMA96A6UwC62sHGD9igAIGrVSxE4Th3L11W2mUZJCIYS1PuIouaWZaWeQY35Qf5oUDI/s1600/Duke+ate+the+bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbj1URyTVGIEwmIPEK4YgKoTBfpBpw5RV4UYrF0a3cyxAYbDpNWh6Buh_99CKeiydOfhXgyRQFkpMA96A6UwC62sHGD9igAIGrVSxE4Th3L11W2mUZJCIYS1PuIouaWZaWeQY35Qf5oUDI/s400/Duke+ate+the+bird.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Duke ate the bird. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiofl2AgSmT3AwCSE3escnq8m7bbxzjwHIZFJBbQhJ1RHSk5S_AAxnnqSYYJgEIG4Ayew4kg119yXe-syLmhyphenhyphenPtXzVEYxKu_eKLLjvWVTJvmEfTKpM_s8ufYvHYXk_3nBQtvu_voydCP1Z/s1600/We+watched+Duke+Eat+A+Bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiofl2AgSmT3AwCSE3escnq8m7bbxzjwHIZFJBbQhJ1RHSk5S_AAxnnqSYYJgEIG4Ayew4kg119yXe-syLmhyphenhyphenPtXzVEYxKu_eKLLjvWVTJvmEfTKpM_s8ufYvHYXk_3nBQtvu_voydCP1Z/s400/We+watched+Duke+Eat+A+Bird.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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We tried to Cover Brooky's eyes but it was too late. She saw the whole thing. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfNbIebEXkxzkc9QaRg6ZPTNFPpVyX9Hs8YgDpK8pRVY1aEPmSgIb1FrfnFjSxQeLN0Xv3i049MWb59LDokL3Haimla2CnbOZT5KFCihAVild79AqAS6DrxPmCi3X4p767PcRGm2qAh7fP/s1600/Mom+tries+to+cover+brooky's+eyes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfNbIebEXkxzkc9QaRg6ZPTNFPpVyX9Hs8YgDpK8pRVY1aEPmSgIb1FrfnFjSxQeLN0Xv3i049MWb59LDokL3Haimla2CnbOZT5KFCihAVild79AqAS6DrxPmCi3X4p767PcRGm2qAh7fP/s400/Mom+tries+to+cover+brooky's+eyes.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuLqbTrQhn47gZ7NapNXr3eKSWAmKwX0HKSKT3Vu2PmKcCaXU8UpWle3nkmyv_8ajmmPAitpczzCjDhMiahT-HoIF3QG-CsOCWKdpGGj8lQWMWFJ0L0AitNJoHjP4qdblqSdOT90UH6tk6/s1600/Brooky+cried+anyway.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuLqbTrQhn47gZ7NapNXr3eKSWAmKwX0HKSKT3Vu2PmKcCaXU8UpWle3nkmyv_8ajmmPAitpczzCjDhMiahT-HoIF3QG-CsOCWKdpGGj8lQWMWFJ0L0AitNJoHjP4qdblqSdOT90UH6tk6/s320/Brooky+cried+anyway.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Then Cory re-emerged, right after the action. </div>
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He had a good idea. </div>
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Too late. </div>
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Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-5324388015430205242013-05-28T19:37:00.000-06:002013-06-18T08:03:52.372-06:00My Husband The Hobo<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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My father in law is a farmer. As a farmer he is rugged, masculine and stubborn. He is also called the silver fox by countless peri-menopausal women in the Northern Utah area. That fact has nothing to do with the story but I felt it was necessary since this post is, in some ways, all about him. </div>
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His name is Sam. This is Sam.<br />
(Names have been changed to protect the identity of the almost innocent characters in this story)</div>
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He even has a Tom Selleck Mustache.</div>
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Sam, the manly farmer that he is, is never less than diligent in the doing of farm chores. Thus, at 10:00 PM last sunday, AKA Mother's day, he decided to go out to change water on a 1980's motorcycle with low headlights. While charging along at 20 MPH on a water saturated skinny dirt road inches from a 3 foot canal - disaster struck. </div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">The front wheel hit a waterlogged piece of driftwood and threw Sam from the cycle.</span></div>
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The motorcycle went one way, Sam went the opposite way, and his lower leg went both ways. </div>
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Sam was taken to the Emergency Room, after a hearty amount of pleading of prodding of course, and was given every test known to man. </div>
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His X-ray showed two broken bones in multiple places on his right leg, his MRI showed extensive tissue damage and his CT scan showed no brain damage. </div>
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His leg was splinted and he was sent home the next morning with instructions not to move and wait for the swelling to subside.</div>
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He did not like waiting. </div>
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Two days later the family gathered together for a BBQ. Sam didn't go to the barbecue. Instead, he went trolling around checking his fields for sufficient water and ensuring the farm was running smoothly without him. Because his right foot is broken, Sam used his left foot to pressure the gas pedal.<br />
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Did I mention he was also on oxycontin at the time?</div>
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Yes, yes he was. </div>
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Yet another two days after that, Sam had a Doctors appointment. Due to the prior driving incident and other unsuccessful attempts, Sam's lovely wife Cathy hid all keys. While Cathy was in the shower and his son, my husband, was on the way to pick him up - Sam found the keys. </div>
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He drove himself to the Doctor. </div>
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With his left foot.<br />
On opiates. </div>
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No one can say Sam is not tenacious.<br />
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He thought only happy thoughts on his way to the Doctor.<br />
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Well... Mostly.... </div>
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Once Sam got to the doctor's office he realized he may have been more affected by the narcotics than he originally supposed.<br />
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As he was lumbering out of his truck he looked down to find he had driven there without footwear.<br />
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He contemplated driving back home, since he was uncharacteristically 20 minutes early anyway, but decided against it. </div>
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(Clearly another decision influenced by drugs) </div>
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He was going into a medical office shoeless. </div>
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The Doctor removed Sam's splint and gave him a boot as a replacement. </div>
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He drove himself home with his good, and now slightly dirtier, bare foot. </div>
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Once he got home, Sam didn't like his boot. The lack of structure allowed his bones to crunch around and the crunching made him less able to break the rules. </div>
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He was miserable. </div>
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In comes husband. Up until this point you've probably been wondering how the title of this blog post ties into a broken father in law. </div>
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Here is how. </div>
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Since Sam was miserable with his new boot, he decided he wanted his old splint back. </div>
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Problem - the Dr's office was closed by the time he made this decision. And it was friday. The office would not be open again until Monday morning - an entire 72 hours away. </div>
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An idea was hatched.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXH5ZVJ1a291EJhXH2EnySeAdjEwS5EuEYcfqfK8sM8cc5jGoeI5iNrh8FcVKoZXmDeGail8sC2geVoCt_T6_aH4siCtRdwvB0SSjc0_HGkdUf0Ws9uuzbJCxzUKLNATPhqrxPWBtx0Hkb/s1600/want+to+dumpster+dive%3f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXH5ZVJ1a291EJhXH2EnySeAdjEwS5EuEYcfqfK8sM8cc5jGoeI5iNrh8FcVKoZXmDeGail8sC2geVoCt_T6_aH4siCtRdwvB0SSjc0_HGkdUf0Ws9uuzbJCxzUKLNATPhqrxPWBtx0Hkb/s400/want+to+dumpster+dive%3f.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Most logical people would say this: </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtcVimXhTIPbXQDZs4rDRieQXX6xCL8czEvqn53nBFujRWcgEChLh_rIXog2OHs_1HQ_XT2QamAqvnpyOzZ5xklTRFyLYaKO1HQ6bEqbsalqYwX5jP6MvkJmv4RD9inViCBDc_oJESlSp1/s1600/I+feel+bad+about+that.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtcVimXhTIPbXQDZs4rDRieQXX6xCL8czEvqn53nBFujRWcgEChLh_rIXog2OHs_1HQ_XT2QamAqvnpyOzZ5xklTRFyLYaKO1HQ6bEqbsalqYwX5jP6MvkJmv4RD9inViCBDc_oJESlSp1/s400/I+feel+bad+about+that.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Husband said this:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR0IlxsYuSsUr7zKkqS6on-QpNT-BEMRR6m9d4_eigM7VCCqjoSGwuABq34C-uCptpBDKEC-_Mrt3mSXznpNw1NG1Hi0L9fPVU6WUeGJZ61kQ5HfAcpo84g4Um15tdB2f7AHa4KO-LnMwf/s1600/SURE!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR0IlxsYuSsUr7zKkqS6on-QpNT-BEMRR6m9d4_eigM7VCCqjoSGwuABq34C-uCptpBDKEC-_Mrt3mSXznpNw1NG1Hi0L9fPVU6WUeGJZ61kQ5HfAcpo84g4Um15tdB2f7AHa4KO-LnMwf/s400/SURE!.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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So Husband climbed in his work clothes and drove to the hospital to dumpster dive for Sam's old splint.<br />
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Once he got to the hospital he realized the Dumpster was not in some back alley as he expected. Instead it was on the parking lot side of an all glass building facing two sides of a heavily windowed hospital.<br />
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He strategically parked his truck so it blocked as much of the dumpster as possible, but a giant red truck is more conspicuous than most.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid12wI0PSd0BZe0aBjiAvEsEoW_ATVr5T4oPv3XbZ_OTAq4xWaSqSytl8ElHyxO_n-dNBFrlvSeb7Ctjw5UoE0i5Y7_kCBdyCgXrbdoMG87fagunL6651vKzw4LJIe9fMhJ9GfIYKgCdju/s1600/sneaky+parking.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid12wI0PSd0BZe0aBjiAvEsEoW_ATVr5T4oPv3XbZ_OTAq4xWaSqSytl8ElHyxO_n-dNBFrlvSeb7Ctjw5UoE0i5Y7_kCBdyCgXrbdoMG87fagunL6651vKzw4LJIe9fMhJ9GfIYKgCdju/s320/sneaky+parking.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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He exited the truck. </div>
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Nervously, he glanced around for onlookers. The last thing he wanted was to be recognized rummaging through medical waste in his chore clothes. </div>
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For those of you who were not raised on a farm, let me elucidate the nature of chore clothes. </div>
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Chore clothes almost always consist of coveralls. Large, thick uncomely overalls made of a taupe canvas material that barbed wire can't cut through. </div>
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Old clothing that most people give to goodwill - become chore clothes. Jaron's barn clothing largely consist of shirts from the 7th to 9th grade. These shirts are not barbed wire proof and are thus often riddled with holes and few sized too small. </div>
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Long sleeves are a must - which usually means ratty old jackets are layered on top of holed t-shirt. </div>
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Boots are steel toed, rubber or drenched in mud. Usually all three. </div>
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Dip the whole outfit in manure, tractor grease and general smelliness and you have chore clothes. </div>
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Farmers know how to work. </div>
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Anyway back to the story - Jaron, in his chore clothes, was hesitant to jump into the dumpster.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlRabNTw9Dw9pq1y_nS1lC3n0I8C-RPalFz2PlwJ4he04tCrOWuTFDoYQntoLl-4fXs00ne2cvqyv9hajcy8ODb6o0ch5_jLFdKLlGUCGJvfgyP-24rQt4HQqvDkLBzLJidPK_r3JYqg1r/s1600/Anyone+around%3f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlRabNTw9Dw9pq1y_nS1lC3n0I8C-RPalFz2PlwJ4he04tCrOWuTFDoYQntoLl-4fXs00ne2cvqyv9hajcy8ODb6o0ch5_jLFdKLlGUCGJvfgyP-24rQt4HQqvDkLBzLJidPK_r3JYqg1r/s400/Anyone+around%3f.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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When it appeared he was audience free he boosted himself up and into the dumpster. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLrcjmTfAnTnWKu3oPqWWAMWw5rcLNAoCiRCLiyhui8LC4DBVbqgjD4Luc_kQBOH7DJxQxHv5cPYT5QsTkoUEVMqUwvIJgWBRTUL5rrX85Xxdr8E3aSY9YrpGixcc6KG6q13_L4PX5rLPq/s1600/Into+the+Dumpster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLrcjmTfAnTnWKu3oPqWWAMWw5rcLNAoCiRCLiyhui8LC4DBVbqgjD4Luc_kQBOH7DJxQxHv5cPYT5QsTkoUEVMqUwvIJgWBRTUL5rrX85Xxdr8E3aSY9YrpGixcc6KG6q13_L4PX5rLPq/s400/Into+the+Dumpster.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyRefR0sFS7lgj4DbBZ5wxDz3IC425Svip6nUjtaAAMyNs51GZs0OoVYNIsebTEd9bBfrAZdUYOI7x6rPYz0wd2rv9RbYnp5TtK3pktqm80MhlAV8Jx6JwC3oncFYkowFwsty0VEWg3drC/s1600/all+the+way+Into+the+Dumpster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyRefR0sFS7lgj4DbBZ5wxDz3IC425Svip6nUjtaAAMyNs51GZs0OoVYNIsebTEd9bBfrAZdUYOI7x6rPYz0wd2rv9RbYnp5TtK3pktqm80MhlAV8Jx6JwC3oncFYkowFwsty0VEWg3drC/s400/all+the+way+Into+the+Dumpster.jpg" width="400" /></a><br />
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He immediately regretted his decision.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5JQAnm4lrRHDxY3WbQbbNKuFRXnwqV2xBO1XF-EnDpy7ql-Ogi9genYbI7w0s9AlbCcwWFHtp_9gYsQzLuE58hvz8VW-X8h0Nsqne89YZK232MgieHV6cN_jcxcTaEEMBcOBmEfxrSt3I/s1600/I+immediately+regret+this+decision.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5JQAnm4lrRHDxY3WbQbbNKuFRXnwqV2xBO1XF-EnDpy7ql-Ogi9genYbI7w0s9AlbCcwWFHtp_9gYsQzLuE58hvz8VW-X8h0Nsqne89YZK232MgieHV6cN_jcxcTaEEMBcOBmEfxrSt3I/s400/I+immediately+regret+this+decision.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Medical offices do not dispose of the same things that, say, a paper office would throw away. </div>
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Doctors throw away things that have been under, around, on or a part of the human body. </div>
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Often a diseased, infected or broken human body. </div>
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He found many things of this nature. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNswxAee2WZrtG9wnnrc66UXTVDLmQrw06eFrrEqOwXZ8HHxBDafgnAHebkLZYDVWXqwUlX3p6jqAjg93f0WmPLK-I1cywJQNbkyzcIMrT817S0FChyrT3ky3o45hi1n0TsvvXkd03i731/s1600/Dumpster+Image.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNswxAee2WZrtG9wnnrc66UXTVDLmQrw06eFrrEqOwXZ8HHxBDafgnAHebkLZYDVWXqwUlX3p6jqAjg93f0WmPLK-I1cywJQNbkyzcIMrT817S0FChyrT3ky3o45hi1n0TsvvXkd03i731/s400/Dumpster+Image.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b>He Found: </b></div>
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Used Casts</div>
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Fungus growing on the used casts</div>
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Used Splints - one of which may or may not have been Sam's</div>
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Fungi growing on the used splints</div>
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Diapers</div>
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* ADULT diapers, not baby diapers.</div>
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Other gross things. </div>
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<b>He Did Not Find:</b></div>
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Drugs</div>
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Needles</div>
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Laughing Gas</div>
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Syringes</div>
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Any other thing the people passing by must have thought he was rooting around for. </div>
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The next ten minutes went something like this:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8UC4QhuY2fL_tRozeVzEcVZjaYiqzbM9Ee8Usx239c2G5M2mZVD7y7ekxFicMeYNcxmd6tqPMAVs4klpO7CSZhxlWGyQJ2LpHAamuNNCnAZiMQgkONSlBawobrKzU7i4FB_C7YfkueHtZ/s1600/15+different+splints.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8UC4QhuY2fL_tRozeVzEcVZjaYiqzbM9Ee8Usx239c2G5M2mZVD7y7ekxFicMeYNcxmd6tqPMAVs4klpO7CSZhxlWGyQJ2LpHAamuNNCnAZiMQgkONSlBawobrKzU7i4FB_C7YfkueHtZ/s400/15+different+splints.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguiduS0bThVUv9Zaks32Gwze6inVTVNUB2cxIsc2TQOAdhDxolJwW2uK7wzbtZw5LnpTXnk7kLC40SB1ujY5cjovvsBTI3dVL1_0wX-VYknc16rWKQ8-gVyc4jBAqN6BHhi3rdStcrv8CR/s1600/Bring+them+all.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguiduS0bThVUv9Zaks32Gwze6inVTVNUB2cxIsc2TQOAdhDxolJwW2uK7wzbtZw5LnpTXnk7kLC40SB1ujY5cjovvsBTI3dVL1_0wX-VYknc16rWKQ8-gVyc4jBAqN6BHhi3rdStcrv8CR/s400/Bring+them+all.png" width="400" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQqQnl7jxLUXGfa8-cn_QBkAmVundtl2LLt4J4JrJoT8kbcuACIczBJPthvK4RURS4fQJjAA408icd6Nsutny-rXFj0Ym-uyHKmYcjgX65f-eSo9khGPKCo-xmnrHuliTddsBq2PuOR3QK/s1600/You+want+ALL+the+splints%3f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQqQnl7jxLUXGfa8-cn_QBkAmVundtl2LLt4J4JrJoT8kbcuACIczBJPthvK4RURS4fQJjAA408icd6Nsutny-rXFj0Ym-uyHKmYcjgX65f-eSo9khGPKCo-xmnrHuliTddsBq2PuOR3QK/s400/You+want+ALL+the+splints%3f.jpg" width="400" /></a><br />
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He thought about this as he poked at a particularly fungus infested cast.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd3edWGc5f9iHNxMsX5zAiCm1Vwh7rtFB1NhCP3o0b_yyVfh0HuyC5C145QJ9UiSjUIfMKyzWHngeRbhEyZhJyYNH6oDAdu93mk63NQcJjd9jivI4oLwwgqq6d8SM6JwjseVfl78MbLroG/s1600/Things+growing+on+casts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd3edWGc5f9iHNxMsX5zAiCm1Vwh7rtFB1NhCP3o0b_yyVfh0HuyC5C145QJ9UiSjUIfMKyzWHngeRbhEyZhJyYNH6oDAdu93mk63NQcJjd9jivI4oLwwgqq6d8SM6JwjseVfl78MbLroG/s400/Things+growing+on+casts.jpg" width="400" /></a><br />
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Then he obeyed. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB00mfVxu-7ER8BLQ_-91hg5Kxh3rlr8_SvaMs4M6ZphbQtD5ypZ4EE62ZThOb7irPARqEL1cVRdjH2OldT9LgQvgDbGiyIH19l0H9FE2DoeKbXQlJgPpcKed-1urxKxQ5OQa2psBg2b-k/s1600/okay%E2%80%A6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB00mfVxu-7ER8BLQ_-91hg5Kxh3rlr8_SvaMs4M6ZphbQtD5ypZ4EE62ZThOb7irPARqEL1cVRdjH2OldT9LgQvgDbGiyIH19l0H9FE2DoeKbXQlJgPpcKed-1urxKxQ5OQa2psBg2b-k/s400/okay%E2%80%A6.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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He buckled down, ducked his head so he couldn't be seen, and rifled through the entire load. Out of diapers, casts, bacteria and countless other health hazards he gathered all the Sam-sized splints, making a stinky pile just outside the dumpster. </div>
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When his work was complete he hurriedly lept from the dumpster, ready to head home and take seven showers. </div>
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But then the phone rang. </div>
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He shifted the weight of the reeking splints to his other arm and managed to answer the call.</div>
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It was Sam. </div>
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The End. </div>
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Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-71894766790909963262013-01-26T20:31:00.002-07:002013-06-18T08:04:11.246-06:00How I Broke My Wedding Ring<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It was a cold and dreary day in frigid Logan, UT. There was a winter storm advisory out for freezing rain, sleet and icy road conditions. While I would love to be curled up inside with a giant mug of hot chocolate under these conditions, I unfortunately had to work. Apparently I'm a grown up and apparently have to make my own money in order to afford ice cream and other pretty things. </div>
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After a long day at the office I was finally ready to head home. Husband and I had date night plans for dinner and a church function, for which I was fully prepared. I had my adorable red pencil skirt, a white blouse and knee high Kenzie brown boots all packed up and ready for wearing. </div>
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Husband wanted to wear a suit. Husband had no suits at the house. </div>
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He did, however, have two suits being tailored at Mr. Mac. One, that would be ready on the 30th, and one that was ready on the 22nd. </div>
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It was the 24th. </div>
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Sensibly, I wanted to wait until both suits were finished.</div>
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Husband had other ideas. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7c5DAyXi0GFvMfB2kHRH0KJGMOFWsKr18e2ZrLWxmTCfP3oVmvjBhaQmsps1pyZ5oaYPbaG89HIHyK2cSci3y3NsUOQkpStsBp26-j2hC2fu_3164I9yQ5ReyA5CthiNc3mHpztP_Oywe/s1600/Will+you+pick+up+my+suit+please%3f.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7c5DAyXi0GFvMfB2kHRH0KJGMOFWsKr18e2ZrLWxmTCfP3oVmvjBhaQmsps1pyZ5oaYPbaG89HIHyK2cSci3y3NsUOQkpStsBp26-j2hC2fu_3164I9yQ5ReyA5CthiNc3mHpztP_Oywe/s400/Will+you+pick+up+my+suit+please%3f.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I looked out my window at the blizzard like ice storm. </div>
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I did not want to go to Mr. Mac. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3JwEUky2Z2o94Tp5zi8eW6FA0SyQpDw1nnjCiIrUIvuENlbxj-f88caZOysEnEtieUcpJj4pn92pPrG_v4J-XaKKkTmPz70CerTitzjE-puBOdL4sOD_rqZ_iGVRMbR8IkPchOg-v_jaG/s1600/Looking+out+the+window+in+a+blizzard.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3JwEUky2Z2o94Tp5zi8eW6FA0SyQpDw1nnjCiIrUIvuENlbxj-f88caZOysEnEtieUcpJj4pn92pPrG_v4J-XaKKkTmPz70CerTitzjE-puBOdL4sOD_rqZ_iGVRMbR8IkPchOg-v_jaG/s400/Looking+out+the+window+in+a+blizzard.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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But, as previously mentioned, I am an awesome wife. So I agreed to pick up the suit. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGzXT1Dt8Yw7U62O3FFaSw63a0_ITC3lykt5bKGLqKHqkPP9jJMQWnwwioQdSKtxuH9qoD0LROGfY8__ld0nNNKqFd6OHS4Uy3dYXP69CrFs7Fkl3JUSMXKzQuh6hivndsu1MeACzIVGyW/s1600/Okay+Fine.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGzXT1Dt8Yw7U62O3FFaSw63a0_ITC3lykt5bKGLqKHqkPP9jJMQWnwwioQdSKtxuH9qoD0LROGfY8__ld0nNNKqFd6OHS4Uy3dYXP69CrFs7Fkl3JUSMXKzQuh6hivndsu1MeACzIVGyW/s400/Okay+Fine.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I arrived at Mr. Mac with minimal sliding on the ice and parked my toasty car. I tentatively exited my heated Nissan and headed for the door of Mr. Mac.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYSn8dD34JIAa3f4HTflUEOmeqIrhhTOivxTOSLV6KEgSplI1NNKDuUthDs8BA5T6icdvPxJxlRcKd9hQTrG8oPuFW_euxBm1ih5HMIlbeDZRt5TNV2tRiCOAs-9sjvcgWeYoTwywPGnpv/s1600/going+into+Mr.+Mac.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYSn8dD34JIAa3f4HTflUEOmeqIrhhTOivxTOSLV6KEgSplI1NNKDuUthDs8BA5T6icdvPxJxlRcKd9hQTrG8oPuFW_euxBm1ih5HMIlbeDZRt5TNV2tRiCOAs-9sjvcgWeYoTwywPGnpv/s400/going+into+Mr.+Mac.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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From my parking spot the storefront looked nicely shoveled and free of sleet. I finally decided to traverse the dangerous parking lot in pursuit of the apparently clear sidewalk. </div>
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I was wrong. </div>
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The storefront concrete gave the illusion of solid ground but was in fact sneakily iced over. </div>
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I took one step on the curb and my feet went out from under me, cartoon style.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiScpetNpHLu2M7rBE-T1MA5ZuSF9vMwCnRaOLcX7dGm1rUKf9zjEi8_GQKR04xzj8r0alJ3OE3wmBtFABTyvw8M7oszRWrTU6g6bXxHm3XFRjHkdjTXDJogl8lG9UWdUSPr3F8Acr4fTlB/s1600/Falling+in+front+of+Mr.+Mac.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiScpetNpHLu2M7rBE-T1MA5ZuSF9vMwCnRaOLcX7dGm1rUKf9zjEi8_GQKR04xzj8r0alJ3OE3wmBtFABTyvw8M7oszRWrTU6g6bXxHm3XFRjHkdjTXDJogl8lG9UWdUSPr3F8Acr4fTlB/s400/Falling+in+front+of+Mr.+Mac.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I flew up in the air and landed decidedly hard flat on my back.</div>
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I stayed down for whole minute.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXtEAjDE3kDhuNki20lEe3cZM2OxX9ZsxAiwvirI2EXybliE1k7RkCZbemvJr3cvhVQIUEVlJsOtQjVS4dfgsTDNwRnp41qil8fUm7Qav-FxcIiwwVkVjOfmjAu7Q0QCsTGTXWr4Wlw_bp/s1600/Flat+in+front+of+Mr.+Mac.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXtEAjDE3kDhuNki20lEe3cZM2OxX9ZsxAiwvirI2EXybliE1k7RkCZbemvJr3cvhVQIUEVlJsOtQjVS4dfgsTDNwRnp41qil8fUm7Qav-FxcIiwwVkVjOfmjAu7Q0QCsTGTXWr4Wlw_bp/s400/Flat+in+front+of+Mr.+Mac.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Then an old man poked me with his cane and asked me about my rump. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1mS_lF0BIs6m2qHkR25Y4-UbtVLQ_7VFiyC10B98cGrBBlftp0BPMGKB68lcKGknq_4H_ZL89mMoBVEAuub6O2wftGzVZCIZtDllUv0lDK1Mcml73caUdiaDXUJCc-HMEc-ykmd4zdBKA/s1600/I+think+you+cracked+your+rump.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1mS_lF0BIs6m2qHkR25Y4-UbtVLQ_7VFiyC10B98cGrBBlftp0BPMGKB68lcKGknq_4H_ZL89mMoBVEAuub6O2wftGzVZCIZtDllUv0lDK1Mcml73caUdiaDXUJCc-HMEc-ykmd4zdBKA/s400/I+think+you+cracked+your+rump.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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My rump was okay. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVIs1s-fNQ-sGpARvmviRC5YbVu4rUVBPkf_fIocdJfN34b4ts0lM5Y4-POP3GJbVtyovF_7H6QnBI4OgcgEbaxXsAKwAhQrmz3_xDjTFxFlX_uAM4e9PETNZOkz0XMa3fokzZcKJ93c_f/s1600/I'm+good.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVIs1s-fNQ-sGpARvmviRC5YbVu4rUVBPkf_fIocdJfN34b4ts0lM5Y4-POP3GJbVtyovF_7H6QnBI4OgcgEbaxXsAKwAhQrmz3_xDjTFxFlX_uAM4e9PETNZOkz0XMa3fokzZcKJ93c_f/s400/I'm+good.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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After gathering my dignity, I made my way into Mr. Mac. </div>
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To be honest I more likely hobbled than walked due to the intense pain radiating from my now wet and throbbing "rump".</div>
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I was greeted by an awkward 18 year old with a CTR ring and a LOUD HELLO. I still don't know if his cheerfulness was due to witnessing my admittedly comical fall or if he's just a chipper guy. </div>
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I sheepishly thanked him for this overzealous greeting and limped towards the counter, hoping his candor wasn't because of my current condition. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5scsDjgpmObylCSkvJjPQpfkA_csBWkS6kfVfMWrtyWZH2YngbQyxiv78YaVQYBAHHNueEGsBA_dD27xnCVuF2aQR4JmBm4leDdLlpim617KT4Khw1lDEoYpsBgsdd3AIe6ddP0fso6nH/s1600/Sheepish+in+Mr.+Mac.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5scsDjgpmObylCSkvJjPQpfkA_csBWkS6kfVfMWrtyWZH2YngbQyxiv78YaVQYBAHHNueEGsBA_dD27xnCVuF2aQR4JmBm4leDdLlpim617KT4Khw1lDEoYpsBgsdd3AIe6ddP0fso6nH/s400/Sheepish+in+Mr.+Mac.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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In the course of my limping I happened to glance at my hand.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaIwXOBSj75p8zEvPi7BkNqPJlCG-zoJn-T_WvR1XZbUqyMdNAvHIcdE4zrngGqW9eZoWE3OdUI3PxYxeUN8rkLNh37fODbC5D81qjulip_sSlwHsK-D67Pr_QJ4x5FMpMTyFGNDWTzGgT/s1600/Looking+at+my+hurt+hand.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaIwXOBSj75p8zEvPi7BkNqPJlCG-zoJn-T_WvR1XZbUqyMdNAvHIcdE4zrngGqW9eZoWE3OdUI3PxYxeUN8rkLNh37fODbC5D81qjulip_sSlwHsK-D67Pr_QJ4x5FMpMTyFGNDWTzGgT/s400/Looking+at+my+hurt+hand.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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And I made a terrible realization. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQA60joXNxsYtkeb6hp7pW-H6UHe5G6uuiQsWYLrq-M-Y0h8l250wqxq7ZnvhZXQCydMyk9-8Bz9KSSVACJ43eUehGBI26X0evPg3HWYVGb2owBInw_xaWfm8Tj4z2SXceW7-vbNJqIfFK/s1600/LOOK!+MY+RING+IS+GONE+IN+MR.+MAC.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQA60joXNxsYtkeb6hp7pW-H6UHe5G6uuiQsWYLrq-M-Y0h8l250wqxq7ZnvhZXQCydMyk9-8Bz9KSSVACJ43eUehGBI26X0evPg3HWYVGb2owBInw_xaWfm8Tj4z2SXceW7-vbNJqIfFK/s400/LOOK!+MY+RING+IS+GONE+IN+MR.+MAC.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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The prongs in my 1.5 year old diamond solitaire ring were split wide open and my hand picked trillion cut diamond was missing. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWxmW08K8Yb3BWtsDIsjPZC3XAeAju6q63k7MSLpvHwWdE_EYj4l2jubJug51mp6x-dWLFuEHimJ4t7TLTzHJgTc_5SPDTe11DG8WKaU-wPdQRLB7fqZ9-3GGEKW5luPYVgUpW_9JMTnzz/s1600/NO+DIAMOND!.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWxmW08K8Yb3BWtsDIsjPZC3XAeAju6q63k7MSLpvHwWdE_EYj4l2jubJug51mp6x-dWLFuEHimJ4t7TLTzHJgTc_5SPDTe11DG8WKaU-wPdQRLB7fqZ9-3GGEKW5luPYVgUpW_9JMTnzz/s400/NO+DIAMOND!.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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Then I said a very bad word very loudly. Actually, I yelled it. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-Y29ixA8o3nsD5nIT_CvdXBPpGhU6D101ZzpxpIhPNeqTl3a_Hj5hntET8clqdgfKnzTZ1tZB85cmlIcD5L_KvnFvnqjREX9GVp9_zbCy7pEF0YEq__aRjGKEvHx8Hj1pJ_2Fmmcnzm7t/s1600/OH+BEEP!.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-Y29ixA8o3nsD5nIT_CvdXBPpGhU6D101ZzpxpIhPNeqTl3a_Hj5hntET8clqdgfKnzTZ1tZB85cmlIcD5L_KvnFvnqjREX9GVp9_zbCy7pEF0YEq__aRjGKEvHx8Hj1pJ_2Fmmcnzm7t/s640/OH+BEEP!.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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And I happened to yell it in the general direction, and somewhat at, the awkward Mr. Mac 18 year old salesman. </div>
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He looked very afraid. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyN_VMqerLLiBJVstYlY39inq_PG4EChNcmlTg-WbK5pDlTGW_uq3hn-6iqA174CytGuykxRL58amW_pCxhzfQYt3uJZPVV2_JvDAe3eksaeqKuGdsnKro6Jtbj4oL_lHqqjOwtlqtaofG/s1600/Astonished+store+clerk.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyN_VMqerLLiBJVstYlY39inq_PG4EChNcmlTg-WbK5pDlTGW_uq3hn-6iqA174CytGuykxRL58amW_pCxhzfQYt3uJZPVV2_JvDAe3eksaeqKuGdsnKro6Jtbj4oL_lHqqjOwtlqtaofG/s400/Astonished+store+clerk.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I literally ran outside to search for my diamond and tears immediately flooded my eyes. </div>
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I threw myself on the ground and started mucking my way through the slush outside. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6tRN8z6jMXyp9aihPRfRaOJ0NbNXtWdx0a01aBlOOAjckPBZ55FM6oTaVIMp8NwTdIUrCrXRnsnOvqmjQSrBPZsBOj_QrUwSyq1jU5U4-GhC8o4SkVQoyQQYgIc_A5uoqTviUVJArONeh/s1600/where+are+you+diamond!%3f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6tRN8z6jMXyp9aihPRfRaOJ0NbNXtWdx0a01aBlOOAjckPBZ55FM6oTaVIMp8NwTdIUrCrXRnsnOvqmjQSrBPZsBOj_QrUwSyq1jU5U4-GhC8o4SkVQoyQQYgIc_A5uoqTviUVJArONeh/s400/where+are+you+diamond!%3f.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpHaWQpJAbA3_FkwQT-jx5T8IprxsQXvQF_UaO4OD57CZM5Ve3c1ju-yLCI9sgSebXeYWwKugJUt5_xlAjhGW_-Ql9W10rsfMF7vJ5JvE3J8PYTL7A6OjZ-uzbV7h9cvsl4ZE7U5WFZyxk/s1600/where+are+you+diamond!%3f+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpHaWQpJAbA3_FkwQT-jx5T8IprxsQXvQF_UaO4OD57CZM5Ve3c1ju-yLCI9sgSebXeYWwKugJUt5_xlAjhGW_-Ql9W10rsfMF7vJ5JvE3J8PYTL7A6OjZ-uzbV7h9cvsl4ZE7U5WFZyxk/s400/where+are+you+diamond!%3f+3.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Unfortunately the ice from earlier was still there and my knees were just as terrible at staying under me as my feet were. I slipped. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn-mSb1xwO27VVeSPcXIM-pndXfO7Z7DLug_u14Sdgg1Irq5u5u3ExLurDTvM35pTW9OF5X-oMX0abUudGHy8OER2V6NiTJcFYDr6IDX7d1Z_4imAkuJ_aOYu4H9CqK6EBoT_RO52GUUqy/s1600/where+are+you+diamond!%3f+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn-mSb1xwO27VVeSPcXIM-pndXfO7Z7DLug_u14Sdgg1Irq5u5u3ExLurDTvM35pTW9OF5X-oMX0abUudGHy8OER2V6NiTJcFYDr6IDX7d1Z_4imAkuJ_aOYu4H9CqK6EBoT_RO52GUUqy/s400/where+are+you+diamond!%3f+2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I ended up on my belly inches from the sidewalk just crying into the ice and blindly feeling for my ring since I couldn't see a thing through the tears and mascara blurring my vision. </div>
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I felt so low I was beyond caring what the random by-passers may have thought about me. One lady honked her horn at me and yelled from her mother SUV to see if I was okay, I ignored her. As she stared at me I simply continued to mourn, possibly more dramatically than warranted. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH37xgcTjKyB0YKbG5oY9n20iteYQKEgOVDR-aFcLYFrXAHCd1O5uICvOZpPeyxabZoP3HesGN2nFVSz8rT_cmTgKGPQiJcCHmH3hZo6rrMNGqR_klhQStTVzbZ7Tb7fZibHnEhPnSGoSR/s1600/where+are+you+diamond!%3f+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH37xgcTjKyB0YKbG5oY9n20iteYQKEgOVDR-aFcLYFrXAHCd1O5uICvOZpPeyxabZoP3HesGN2nFVSz8rT_cmTgKGPQiJcCHmH3hZo6rrMNGqR_klhQStTVzbZ7Tb7fZibHnEhPnSGoSR/s400/where+are+you+diamond!%3f+4.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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While I was carrying on outside, the awkward store clerk made his way to the sidewalk without my noticing. Probably because of the ruckus I was making. </div>
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He wanted to know why I was blithering on his sidewalk. And he wanted to know if I was okay. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZzO2s4mTwQEjrxVO3F2rzBUTXC52mOS69EJg0_Whhsb771_c7A-vVUP30FEOHaOQbcHsiXsWC6kaDrEbZQDfJxLtVdvJZrGmmhM5xmRfcK4_ZLI4V0Lo7wMBorMD4xlCG4UbbH7IyO0Yx/s1600/Ummm+are+you+okay+miss%3f.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZzO2s4mTwQEjrxVO3F2rzBUTXC52mOS69EJg0_Whhsb771_c7A-vVUP30FEOHaOQbcHsiXsWC6kaDrEbZQDfJxLtVdvJZrGmmhM5xmRfcK4_ZLI4V0Lo7wMBorMD4xlCG4UbbH7IyO0Yx/s400/Ummm+are+you+okay+miss%3f.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I was barely able to get out my predicament. This portrayal is most likely 100% more clear than what I actually happened to blather out. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvyqS_OOld7qxdGAarXsR95FOUjLOXkw4qnEhrMJ317qyDhn4jyizqdfIqZd-HauE9uNGdRa6KCMN_JM2lMS7fOdXqted4nYDXxUum4ViikHrKWYTRkhrg4FDR-5L3eaouSXMlK-g5FM1s/s1600/I+LOST+MY+DIAMOND.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvyqS_OOld7qxdGAarXsR95FOUjLOXkw4qnEhrMJ317qyDhn4jyizqdfIqZd-HauE9uNGdRa6KCMN_JM2lMS7fOdXqted4nYDXxUum4ViikHrKWYTRkhrg4FDR-5L3eaouSXMlK-g5FM1s/s400/I+LOST+MY+DIAMOND.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I sank lower and lower in my search my the diamond. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvNjW3RxGWH5PIi8b54JgZJaTgjQ6Ky9ToTQyPzrh1aW7I_r8XFcnxDvpjyt0tl7QSi058aIryoSIR_gEg5f45YSHwRLUcSgBfR1wFXdCJeGf4lsIrM8saKspDo6eJQU_bQ47yuB-y2I1e/s1600/Storeclerk+found+my+diamond.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvNjW3RxGWH5PIi8b54JgZJaTgjQ6Ky9ToTQyPzrh1aW7I_r8XFcnxDvpjyt0tl7QSi058aIryoSIR_gEg5f45YSHwRLUcSgBfR1wFXdCJeGf4lsIrM8saKspDo6eJQU_bQ47yuB-y2I1e/s400/Storeclerk+found+my+diamond.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I had almost given up. I was curled in a ball on the ice and the sleet when the glorious sales clerk found my diamond. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ-yClkyY_LcMSK5kL1yMyUVJiJM6e9aWdZNEUc0hXyY4VVvKvnG01nRQ8KE35Ni3ULADWHZs4kU5T0EK87PD1vyw-Ht0v6qgDqXgO9jgdO8Zp8oGvH_vVfmaBSl13OYT9poOBG4c10dT3/s1600/I+Found+It.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ-yClkyY_LcMSK5kL1yMyUVJiJM6e9aWdZNEUc0hXyY4VVvKvnG01nRQ8KE35Ni3ULADWHZs4kU5T0EK87PD1vyw-Ht0v6qgDqXgO9jgdO8Zp8oGvH_vVfmaBSl13OYT9poOBG4c10dT3/s400/I+Found+It.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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He is my new best friend. </div>
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I couldn't thank him enough for finding the missing piece of wedding ring. We went back into the store, he gave me a little bag to keep the remnants of my broken wedding ring in, and he fetched the suit for me. </div>
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I apologized over and over again. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3XjAsWZbC-PjQtlnGETEwCe9QCh1Yo4DNXDiGG_Xr2ZnunT7CLJzgDOWRzO-Wvmip0yMWoSQTcVSmbpbWW7k0TEyrZfDUbfBxRddB9Oxqw8rwHATTMtwktbB50J5TppWQeoF5Rq2prk_Y/s1600/I'm+so+sorry+I+yelled+profanities.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3XjAsWZbC-PjQtlnGETEwCe9QCh1Yo4DNXDiGG_Xr2ZnunT7CLJzgDOWRzO-Wvmip0yMWoSQTcVSmbpbWW7k0TEyrZfDUbfBxRddB9Oxqw8rwHATTMtwktbB50J5TppWQeoF5Rq2prk_Y/s400/I'm+so+sorry+I+yelled+profanities.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I tried very hard to convince him that I was actually a good person. I even played the church card. Thankfully, I didn't have to lie about church going since I was actually headed in that direction, I doubt he believed me though. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQgSyLY66XhepaUDj02urHRN0v3vzyNdCms-JiqRERdbwdAgPG1e7nNm2zJ2bMoTofpUwcJOs6IAhqbwwHnsjiR-rcdx2Zn-MrZDlD9kqgU-bnDzqaCpzV84XOCxQKNznvgRGJt5iBOJU7/s1600/I'm+going+to+a+church+function.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQgSyLY66XhepaUDj02urHRN0v3vzyNdCms-JiqRERdbwdAgPG1e7nNm2zJ2bMoTofpUwcJOs6IAhqbwwHnsjiR-rcdx2Zn-MrZDlD9kqgU-bnDzqaCpzV84XOCxQKNznvgRGJt5iBOJU7/s400/I'm+going+to+a+church+function.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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In the end I went away from Mr. Mac with my ring in 2 pieces, a few bruises on my rump and having offended a very sheltered employee. </div>
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And, as if the day couldn't get any worse, I received the following text message on my way home:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikj7LCRK35ubWsdeQS7r4tboccDYCe70FICV1QbCVTeH1zhDGEhfpUeK-UefMaBbQUTEKU0sUALSNdVfIZLj4n1GCnKWeep80KCxxkJJXYkFnP0wiXWwRRoaDQxNe5q5H5rczVE_r_zsNW/s1600/All+I+heard+was+%22oh+beep%22.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikj7LCRK35ubWsdeQS7r4tboccDYCe70FICV1QbCVTeH1zhDGEhfpUeK-UefMaBbQUTEKU0sUALSNdVfIZLj4n1GCnKWeep80KCxxkJJXYkFnP0wiXWwRRoaDQxNe5q5H5rczVE_r_zsNW/s400/All+I+heard+was+%22oh+beep%22.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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It was from my mother in law. </div>
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Did I mention that I had been on the phone with her immediately prior to entering Mr. Mac? </div>
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I was. </div>
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Apparently I had pocket dialed her back while verbally accosting18 year old gingers with curse words. </div>
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I then had to explain to the future grandmother of my children why I was yelling expletives followed by bouts of snivelling blubber and sleet. </div>
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It was an interesting conversation. </div>
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And that is the story of how my wedding ring, and the day of a Mr. Mac employee, was ruined. </div>
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Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-40450534903040902482012-12-01T11:51:00.003-07:002012-12-03T22:44:44.887-07:00Things That Don't Belong On Facebook<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The other day I was online, killing some time, and I started to scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook. As I scrolled, I was increasingly amazed by the rubbish some people think to be newsworthy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Due to the stupidity of some of the people I have "friended" on social media, I have compiled a list of things that should never grace the face of FB. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">1) Boudoir Photos.</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK8z0FV-Uxgy1Y_-qKQ9XXJNIG21ymESWPhOa63pnDvXtkYCUjmoMFh9kwQugH0Unph9fvblC8MmV4fIoe6Urg4HrZiXa60JrCM0o1FHLBmkMnyqBslkgIvNTAUEihaZasDxa3QR1KhyphenhyphenD3/s1600/A+Not+So+Sexy+Boudoir+Picture.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK8z0FV-Uxgy1Y_-qKQ9XXJNIG21ymESWPhOa63pnDvXtkYCUjmoMFh9kwQugH0Unph9fvblC8MmV4fIoe6Urg4HrZiXa60JrCM0o1FHLBmkMnyqBslkgIvNTAUEihaZasDxa3QR1KhyphenhyphenD3/s400/A+Not+So+Sexy+Boudoir+Picture.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I do not care how sexy you think you are, nor do I care how sexy you actually are. Provocative poses set against red satin sheets are not Facebook worthy - if you want them, save them for your significant other. Do not broadcast your scantily clad laundry to your 5,000 "friends".</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Did I mention that you're most likely scarring close relatives and small children? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You are. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis-1uxdFOlBQEedcgJiGF2c_OXL_MsfZBU3reQPm5oEVTQdMa8eU19s7fMpN6F2oF0sjaRXr3Kmf-u6SLllboFZ8_rseA-t7lR2EKRRedXsoTxxPOieX6B-zWRifh76-_NdiHcObdTb4c2/s1600/scarring+small+children+and+relatives.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis-1uxdFOlBQEedcgJiGF2c_OXL_MsfZBU3reQPm5oEVTQdMa8eU19s7fMpN6F2oF0sjaRXr3Kmf-u6SLllboFZ8_rseA-t7lR2EKRRedXsoTxxPOieX6B-zWRifh76-_NdiHcObdTb4c2/s400/scarring+small+children+and+relatives.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">2) Grammatical Errors.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As anyone who knows me personally knows - I am the grammar nazi. I LOATHE:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">conjugation mixups </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj94I_EiFrGLsRx5RbUfpxvfj452gT8yCMvCqnbKky8-c0j2cI9yy0NTaLDKgcNulvoKvQytBgTy7vtaY3BA4eu3AWR_Ja1CiXl1YvE3EAk-Gc91Hvi2sgxNIhqKHRw3qOzIVIum7iQ5ORA/s1600/I+SEEN+HIM!+bad+grammar.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj94I_EiFrGLsRx5RbUfpxvfj452gT8yCMvCqnbKky8-c0j2cI9yy0NTaLDKgcNulvoKvQytBgTy7vtaY3BA4eu3AWR_Ja1CiXl1YvE3EAk-Gc91Hvi2sgxNIhqKHRw3qOzIVIum7iQ5ORA/s400/I+SEEN+HIM!+bad+grammar.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> homonym swaps</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyt1lEYEpQu6av0fKsPx2bQXm-ao9e2nH_y-mcre73hh3n6n6O_kLd5Ly_yCje-OKEKso7hLKvwGtPzvUWyNIHrFx0AAjZP23JJSG7Wf8PC5VKw93AnNybjVsOS5sM-k1UDfJqCv3tWi3z/s1600/facebook+homonym+mix+up.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyt1lEYEpQu6av0fKsPx2bQXm-ao9e2nH_y-mcre73hh3n6n6O_kLd5Ly_yCje-OKEKso7hLKvwGtPzvUWyNIHrFx0AAjZP23JJSG7Wf8PC5VKw93AnNybjVsOS5sM-k1UDfJqCv3tWi3z/s400/facebook+homonym+mix+up.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and misspelled common words. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS_xHYPTu2jjuNUW-F6dNaeCYjM6yteQOZbOOwJ993QIMIeujWm_YaTejt_YRy-2BYISoCEn5LeYNQvNUlL_LdLI1mBVtvvRpFt2UtkabnqohXkFAcbrrQbswsAWEcpZcx6DaybrALTuih/s1600/facebook+mispelled+words.+I+kind+of+hate+you.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS_xHYPTu2jjuNUW-F6dNaeCYjM6yteQOZbOOwJ993QIMIeujWm_YaTejt_YRy-2BYISoCEn5LeYNQvNUlL_LdLI1mBVtvvRpFt2UtkabnqohXkFAcbrrQbswsAWEcpZcx6DaybrALTuih/s400/facebook+mispelled+words.+I+kind+of+hate+you.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A majority of Americans only speak one language - speak it correctly and proofread your posts - they reflect directly on you.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">3) Complaints About Work.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">I feel as though this should be self explanatory - but here's an illustration for you anyway. </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5NMBOinxcLoQfMwRIONEPCD9gnflmpHg1VMcpBE6KaNi86GCgqtqyMwWt4deWRScBn-9oMO6Kb6zKlgx7RGI0eCUpYXbwYDtqdcf_W7pHFxftRBMzoSUNeQ6kHJ3ZSgJHpB_lwuZ2mH9x/s1600/please+scoop+all+the+hippo+poop.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5NMBOinxcLoQfMwRIONEPCD9gnflmpHg1VMcpBE6KaNi86GCgqtqyMwWt4deWRScBn-9oMO6Kb6zKlgx7RGI0eCUpYXbwYDtqdcf_W7pHFxftRBMzoSUNeQ6kHJ3ZSgJHpB_lwuZ2mH9x/s400/please+scoop+all+the+hippo+poop.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAYVwOsw9FCNeRQbdIG0KaS3GZDeJD6OUDnYIgVdyUs-AEkzZEXvS7lV4v5B9LlpFuIa96Bru0RvVOzFZIzOVoyA-LnWr3GVOJ_fN7iqxomenSKaUDKrNotjlVPwiRaYTbQgTQvnosD4bt/s1600/I+Want+to+scoop+my+boss+up.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAYVwOsw9FCNeRQbdIG0KaS3GZDeJD6OUDnYIgVdyUs-AEkzZEXvS7lV4v5B9LlpFuIa96Bru0RvVOzFZIzOVoyA-LnWr3GVOJ_fN7iqxomenSKaUDKrNotjlVPwiRaYTbQgTQvnosD4bt/s400/I+Want+to+scoop+my+boss+up.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVve7_2T7fpipHp6fTTZCk4YWeb8bR4AbhEp7na5KgBh-pxpYaCNAft5t5fE7bVdCJQ2f2imMoy9s4NCBXlPyXua2hQ560eozX5DTgwQoizVb6NaxdquAKonmhQL2RgQjqovdZRrgrP5P8/s1600/boss+caught+you+on+Facebook.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVve7_2T7fpipHp6fTTZCk4YWeb8bR4AbhEp7na5KgBh-pxpYaCNAft5t5fE7bVdCJQ2f2imMoy9s4NCBXlPyXua2hQ560eozX5DTgwQoizVb6NaxdquAKonmhQL2RgQjqovdZRrgrP5P8/s400/boss+caught+you+on+Facebook.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-ayw9LIredJOEplAxC7MW7tkBcVsoRMKv-p6TDRsgiEQXLtekY06QM2uSEU6_O5BlxQ1jykhKZtTECluoeSnvGfPIOrHSjO4Qd_PNmmRKCGmsdJRxKvGafrlHKCHu4vbZlgzrbIqLM5Op/s1600/YOU'RE+FIRED!.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-ayw9LIredJOEplAxC7MW7tkBcVsoRMKv-p6TDRsgiEQXLtekY06QM2uSEU6_O5BlxQ1jykhKZtTECluoeSnvGfPIOrHSjO4Qd_PNmmRKCGmsdJRxKvGafrlHKCHu4vbZlgzrbIqLM5Op/s400/YOU'RE+FIRED!.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSmaEFAFwVMLkVxxGfEkCBVIZlDYGO96Jh-hNkTySjA_DDKHJr3nzKVnwCan6o8F1B71lyY8wAtRF7_8qIFOiPTKiOq5xRQsFCXhaPqGEwRf2tTvoOy43EtTBehgWxlee1VtkQIVf2SOsX/s1600/crap.+I'm+fired.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSmaEFAFwVMLkVxxGfEkCBVIZlDYGO96Jh-hNkTySjA_DDKHJr3nzKVnwCan6o8F1B71lyY8wAtRF7_8qIFOiPTKiOq5xRQsFCXhaPqGEwRf2tTvoOy43EtTBehgWxlee1VtkQIVf2SOsX/s400/crap.+I'm+fired.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">4) Fights</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I promise that neither I nor the 4,579 other acquaintances on FB want to read that your family members are making you angry, or that your boyfriend is a loser, or that you may have married the world's worst person. You'll get over the fight but the FB status can't be unseen. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEZrBDl_4g-D4HJBQfRu28D00wZsv2J6LCNC_NgrbCJMfyKg5KLaTunDQhdX88p9FCln9POpttYQP_xC1dCcIRKrtrlRGvODs8nRN-4Fl2rJpwWF6jvXToikBFQLCRzWvuAYL7IhQ24rd4/s1600/red+headed+nerd+-+my+parents+suck+facebook+status.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEZrBDl_4g-D4HJBQfRu28D00wZsv2J6LCNC_NgrbCJMfyKg5KLaTunDQhdX88p9FCln9POpttYQP_xC1dCcIRKrtrlRGvODs8nRN-4Fl2rJpwWF6jvXToikBFQLCRzWvuAYL7IhQ24rd4/s400/red+headed+nerd+-+my+parents+suck+facebook+status.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh Yeah, and you sound like you're 13. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">5) Open Ended Pity Parties</span> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sometimes I have bad days. Sometimes you have bad days. This does not make it okay to post "So sad right now I want to die" on FB. All this does is invoke 20 comments that all say "what's wrong sweetie?" "are you okay" "call me if you need anything" when really you should just call that handful of people that care in the first place. If you're depressed call your mom or eat some prozac. Don't broadcast it on FB. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx2zndQa9DFcFWeFfVtFNYYIgHwWSc8_eebu39naqdo43SFqRLH2ubvCvidImYa8JT5S5ngwlQWzdtYsiJpyczwJaYX5vhLqwA4Gct3nuO6-4d4w1sHmSlP_Tlgcazz0vlNpdlZAsa-AYW/s1600/happy+happy+singing+cartoon.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx2zndQa9DFcFWeFfVtFNYYIgHwWSc8_eebu39naqdo43SFqRLH2ubvCvidImYa8JT5S5ngwlQWzdtYsiJpyczwJaYX5vhLqwA4Gct3nuO6-4d4w1sHmSlP_Tlgcazz0vlNpdlZAsa-AYW/s400/happy+happy+singing+cartoon.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsu8hyphenhyphenFjm3sPoPPEzXR0LiztfYlBYGQmQkzUIZkLDFu6pz6s3J44vtJ5bJoIwZT0RJvWJEQ6BIyabWVWJYF_oetix-GgXj1Twe5EWgWuWUizyiU6JkmdVkrHFPckNv5Eujn5xWjp2BDclU/s1600/happy+keep+singing.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsu8hyphenhyphenFjm3sPoPPEzXR0LiztfYlBYGQmQkzUIZkLDFu6pz6s3J44vtJ5bJoIwZT0RJvWJEQ6BIyabWVWJYF_oetix-GgXj1Twe5EWgWuWUizyiU6JkmdVkrHFPckNv5Eujn5xWjp2BDclU/s400/happy+keep+singing.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQG2DtP8bBytNYhrQj2d3ZwXVvDNxFP17BsZbhSlBtCSBg0JCZ1ydZnk1xc6TmtSff3fh_FHsDRU8Hb_W0a8tjNihBciv6sZX6xLrG6YBSoZ70PE4osVV2pujDNEf_xfYhsM8G46yj5z1O/s1600/So+sad+now.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQG2DtP8bBytNYhrQj2d3ZwXVvDNxFP17BsZbhSlBtCSBg0JCZ1ydZnk1xc6TmtSff3fh_FHsDRU8Hb_W0a8tjNihBciv6sZX6xLrG6YBSoZ70PE4osVV2pujDNEf_xfYhsM8G46yj5z1O/s400/So+sad+now.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEGX0HtqcC2Oxj4D4hRzpbp6mAccxk-W-fg8LOBAm8ttSJYzebEQd6nOc3dYyjkpuWuxMGI14ai5aWLzRzUqIwfBWv7jDxDtK9lh2VoG5mBNqZr9PDXwxd1qKjcgNg6AkjBP3asuAwtYrh/s1600/I'm+depressed+today+cartoon.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEGX0HtqcC2Oxj4D4hRzpbp6mAccxk-W-fg8LOBAm8ttSJYzebEQd6nOc3dYyjkpuWuxMGI14ai5aWLzRzUqIwfBWv7jDxDtK9lh2VoG5mBNqZr9PDXwxd1qKjcgNg6AkjBP3asuAwtYrh/s400/I'm+depressed+today+cartoon.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib0h4LcprxwKxYw4zAl9YAhE7YcklusXvJiwgAy5UKgPdYQY_Ra0hyphenhyphen6DzQJjxlARYhdkIKNWIS2GPpV_3CQWRhfckvCUE_k88JHAwS-8Fxse6PrkUCEBRsuL92WkC8WjtwkFpV5yUX9L7O/s1600/I'm+depressed,+wallow+with+me%3f+cartoon.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib0h4LcprxwKxYw4zAl9YAhE7YcklusXvJiwgAy5UKgPdYQY_Ra0hyphenhyphen6DzQJjxlARYhdkIKNWIS2GPpV_3CQWRhfckvCUE_k88JHAwS-8Fxse6PrkUCEBRsuL92WkC8WjtwkFpV5yUX9L7O/s400/I'm+depressed,+wallow+with+me%3f+cartoon.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnIFtj8RtOaSc4wcGvcZjzzWCsucEOPAM-RZlaywhYA6J-c91l23M6HROhNYsUi-W-wJv8xbbNHy3z-T4pDHe0kZgvyaYcVknfOxR0HHNBHZN01FdvVUegLV63ZbGnCMISmkQ2BXjyKKh5/s1600/You're+my+only+friend+facebook.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnIFtj8RtOaSc4wcGvcZjzzWCsucEOPAM-RZlaywhYA6J-c91l23M6HROhNYsUi-W-wJv8xbbNHy3z-T4pDHe0kZgvyaYcVknfOxR0HHNBHZN01FdvVUegLV63ZbGnCMISmkQ2BXjyKKh5/s400/You're+my+only+friend+facebook.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you want to tell the story, and it happens to be entertaining - go ahead. But don't just post melodramatic lines to get attention. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Boo sad pointless posts. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">6) Anything Mundane. Seriously People. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The world wide web REALLY doesn't need to know that you checked in to Walmart 4 times last week and "got a pretty good deal on cereal". Also - we don't care if you ate mac and cheese for lunch. Literally thousands of people eat mac and cheese every single day. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ7hD8BY7hkg8AR671mmlUzxK4tnUhlx3D9ryx0wJyBfdkKSlUwkjaHvM-OIWhD4qJqK0MKTqHCvgUADcCpPiHApsoOuRX-7Y-I4eRFWQsr_usuQ5j3ipeZAks8eb1YEE12yvrVCI2fd_N/s1600/cereal+is+10+cents+off!.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ7hD8BY7hkg8AR671mmlUzxK4tnUhlx3D9ryx0wJyBfdkKSlUwkjaHvM-OIWhD4qJqK0MKTqHCvgUADcCpPiHApsoOuRX-7Y-I4eRFWQsr_usuQ5j3ipeZAks8eb1YEE12yvrVCI2fd_N/s400/cereal+is+10+cents+off!.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyAjNvc03KHhaHvE5EdRq_VkO2pbF6jHg4fivKtSSSiwNafkwz4mAqy2Pl7hKa0-FqfbmrwIh66Pq1rB6MnMwxqjlQS3Qqy56RAniz_XlqFTkU_WT-tOMjYOuC4jaYJlmSvptcI8QtoM6B/s1600/I+SHOULD+TELL+FACEBOOK!.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyAjNvc03KHhaHvE5EdRq_VkO2pbF6jHg4fivKtSSSiwNafkwz4mAqy2Pl7hKa0-FqfbmrwIh66Pq1rB6MnMwxqjlQS3Qqy56RAniz_XlqFTkU_WT-tOMjYOuC4jaYJlmSvptcI8QtoM6B/s400/I+SHOULD+TELL+FACEBOOK!.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKMoO07nA-M_Zh8c0bLCzvgDEQuUO22zqIUCnI5f9XbmgFaDngOaRnPyUETq3DQtuUo42RfYXPCveeMkUGS8o-4klzBV2xl-1hRhPA5o3LS7nkZtiTsIW5A7SELN8jacjXi7Bufhz6EdPa/s1600/PUNCH!+no+you+shouldn't.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKMoO07nA-M_Zh8c0bLCzvgDEQuUO22zqIUCnI5f9XbmgFaDngOaRnPyUETq3DQtuUo42RfYXPCveeMkUGS8o-4klzBV2xl-1hRhPA5o3LS7nkZtiTsIW5A7SELN8jacjXi7Bufhz6EdPa/s400/PUNCH!+no+you+shouldn't.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Facebook doesn't care. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">7) Personal Hygiene</span> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There are some less than attractive things people do in an effort to become more attractive. Some examples include: facials, bikini waxing, acne popping, potent hair treatments, toenail clipping, ear wax removal, nasal hair trimming etc. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While all these things are encouraged for proper personal hygiene, it is not encouraged to share these monthly rituals on the internet. With the exception prank photos posted of your roommate caught in the act of these embarrassing rites - no photographic proof of these practices need be posted. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOkvCEC8k6dd3z7TXjDK7WX6NNrUyECI4MFcQkR-M1TTVj9bAqC9NQBrpKHwOA4sCzziDsfrkN7pkFJka1jzjmEVBrwr91rZhQ5obP6Kr0v32BR_xgRuHWMSBrADZWtJMdkvuBAyR0vBc6/s1600/Oversharing+nostril+waxing+criston.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOkvCEC8k6dd3z7TXjDK7WX6NNrUyECI4MFcQkR-M1TTVj9bAqC9NQBrpKHwOA4sCzziDsfrkN7pkFJka1jzjmEVBrwr91rZhQ5obP6Kr0v32BR_xgRuHWMSBrADZWtJMdkvuBAyR0vBc6/s400/Oversharing+nostril+waxing+criston.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes Kristina, this is for you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">8) Pet Portfolios</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The occasional photo of your dog sitting up the to table or snuggling with your child is periodically acceptable. An entire photo album of your cat in various positions is not. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAFIoRwAQnbqo3ofI4yCGKLzJO4q_hYQErn-KYlTYVrgEn916nQBj5wzza44P5cenYERxQjWAfSlD10IpAXfUIbRWBMOuJkOaC3UysXk8WXfD6hzPIhuNIaItiYv2ZQ9o9PL3OErcsfiKV/s1600/cat+positions+portfolio.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAFIoRwAQnbqo3ofI4yCGKLzJO4q_hYQErn-KYlTYVrgEn916nQBj5wzza44P5cenYERxQjWAfSlD10IpAXfUIbRWBMOuJkOaC3UysXk8WXfD6hzPIhuNIaItiYv2ZQ9o9PL3OErcsfiKV/s400/cat+positions+portfolio.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not Okay. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">9) Kissing Photos</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I admit that every once in a while the well taken kissing photo tugs at my heart strings - but that does not mean I want to see make out stills. I'm glad you've found love in your life, I'm glad that you enjoy kissing said love - but the common decency rules surrounding PDA apply to the web. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Keep it PG people. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Also, at least 1/2 of your photos should feature your face (not your face smashed against someone else's). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Please limit your photos. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Here are two commonly shared kissing photos I hereby declare banned from Facebook: </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The self taken and way too close shot</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMZd2YzyYs0OILht5WP-bEFrknzntfM84Ayiv62tdDc-fmUbcawV8ZDXNGi4z3meIzi4xfMaF8qry64q8G4EkpqFO5Lx9_3TSloE7tx5cVw7cWWN-YurAu9cbVnWugTA8PVXtVGzTqmWrz/s1600/Way+too+close+kissing+picture.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMZd2YzyYs0OILht5WP-bEFrknzntfM84Ayiv62tdDc-fmUbcawV8ZDXNGi4z3meIzi4xfMaF8qry64q8G4EkpqFO5Lx9_3TSloE7tx5cVw7cWWN-YurAu9cbVnWugTA8PVXtVGzTqmWrz/s400/Way+too+close+kissing+picture.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And the licking diseases off your pets shot</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyOTSasQZQ0bjrCyXR0R7nrIBup7C-83rFTCTIB42nIihC8-14J-67gIa2SM5UVkmR5AKc1DdLZF4dQM_vsQ0ldcLPG_IXcId0f5gzQsqZLuZwheMWxzUyYPB-9MQoBFA9sNyyxT777mHz/s1600/Kissing+an+Iguana+Cartoon.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyOTSasQZQ0bjrCyXR0R7nrIBup7C-83rFTCTIB42nIihC8-14J-67gIa2SM5UVkmR5AKc1DdLZF4dQM_vsQ0ldcLPG_IXcId0f5gzQsqZLuZwheMWxzUyYPB-9MQoBFA9sNyyxT777mHz/s400/Kissing+an+Iguana+Cartoon.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Normally I would have 10 things because that completes the list... but I am sick of drawings so I'm stopping with 9. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Moral of the story is: Don't put these things on Facebook okay?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">People don't want to see them, they literally make me angry and I am going to de-friend you if you do. </span></div>
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Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-75035663109902953542012-11-14T21:42:00.004-07:002012-11-17T09:31:44.956-07:00Why I'm Banned from ebay<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="text-align: center;">Hello. </div><div style="text-align: center;">My name is Whitney and I am an E-bay addict.</div><div style="text-align: center;">It has been 9 days since my last E-bay binge.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">Due to the frequency, irrationality and financially irresponsible nature of my E-bay binges my husband has banned me from online bidding indefinitely.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcCSEVGdN627ogsot2j8eT7VE5sred8lcz-PTga37OK5YBVpp-BkV25Q5Rc2ESSQ6lLNnhZ1xFJ6Z8iTaBC2Fp3IxmhyphenhyphenzyMASUxzIRIUkP5gR6XWAu31aT04xf4VV3_7HY9lVzg2WRyl9O/s1600/No+more+ebay.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcCSEVGdN627ogsot2j8eT7VE5sred8lcz-PTga37OK5YBVpp-BkV25Q5Rc2ESSQ6lLNnhZ1xFJ6Z8iTaBC2Fp3IxmhyphenhyphenzyMASUxzIRIUkP5gR6XWAu31aT04xf4VV3_7HY9lVzg2WRyl9O/s400/No+more+ebay.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
I have been Banned from E-bay. </div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAjjzSPkuNGHEAYzp9zIjIZXmqOtp9oeE7YLUJ25ZgfcVnlSHc_PRn6pAZMwcYIHZ1h8WHuifCsYPJhQD4qnOmaQFrlzcwus_PfHPXmhcQQqsnD962ojFV0ANhtTitdCiyu6RWmtPdIP6a/s1600/surrender+your+laptop.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAjjzSPkuNGHEAYzp9zIjIZXmqOtp9oeE7YLUJ25ZgfcVnlSHc_PRn6pAZMwcYIHZ1h8WHuifCsYPJhQD4qnOmaQFrlzcwus_PfHPXmhcQQqsnD962ojFV0ANhtTitdCiyu6RWmtPdIP6a/s400/surrender+your+laptop.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>You may think this a harsh punishment, that he is being chauvinist and controlling by not allowing me this cyber vice.<br />
This is sadly not the case.<br />
While it is fortunate that my husband is not a financial dictator - it's unfortunate that compulsive clicking/bidding is on my "things to work on" list.<br />
<br />
Let me start with the fact that I have an addictive personality. If I had ever seriously tried drinking I'm sure I would be a raging alcoholic and this blog would be populated by drastically more spelling errors, drunken rants and pointless pictures... But I'm not allowed to drink; thus I've sicced my addictive nature on online shopping instead. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I'd like to point out that online is the operative word here - I'm not a shopaholic; my problem isolated to the world wide web. Here's why. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">Upon entering a store I react just like any other female</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7TOCNLTrrLM5BZ9zLQ_5OluqrC9e8cBt3T1SEP44ID43Du403WwDRUXPwPF-k33yz-DSN2uDpVma0hqisa3rmxxAJnelw93-H6sBUSeFNNY5HH2hPD3S1CghPbEkkuk5eZcWLfUepRkfF/s1600/ooooo+I+love+that!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7TOCNLTrrLM5BZ9zLQ_5OluqrC9e8cBt3T1SEP44ID43Du403WwDRUXPwPF-k33yz-DSN2uDpVma0hqisa3rmxxAJnelw93-H6sBUSeFNNY5HH2hPD3S1CghPbEkkuk5eZcWLfUepRkfF/s320/ooooo+I+love+that!.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I find that one item I just NEED to have. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjouJFaKJSS9eEvvQyTd9pJFzG4GuIobdEkGgKQxmIJjsW5ZtK2jxT6rwNH6u-hbnMm3SYRD6vtE_FlkQuaJpLZJLmmTjEJkU_hSUoG-WqAWX1GsjO3uzz2CsgNfkE90OacOVFOvWd3XuHT/s1600/mine!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjouJFaKJSS9eEvvQyTd9pJFzG4GuIobdEkGgKQxmIJjsW5ZtK2jxT6rwNH6u-hbnMm3SYRD6vtE_FlkQuaJpLZJLmmTjEJkU_hSUoG-WqAWX1GsjO3uzz2CsgNfkE90OacOVFOvWd3XuHT/s320/mine!.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Then I love it. I impulsively decide I simply MUST buy it.</div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF-vsLAQcwthc4hC5k_woXFo1QneHbeneCNW-iIAKpN3wPJk9avb6nB2GyqwKZd4BEz08_Z75clDG0jogQFokr68SJCZNERamHPWXMGEnJ982pJ07-AIgZhmU1Ri197kRyWsZcZVXUNdGW/s1600/Love+Love+Love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF-vsLAQcwthc4hC5k_woXFo1QneHbeneCNW-iIAKpN3wPJk9avb6nB2GyqwKZd4BEz08_Z75clDG0jogQFokr68SJCZNERamHPWXMGEnJ982pJ07-AIgZhmU1Ri197kRyWsZcZVXUNdGW/s320/Love+Love+Love.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I head for the check out stand, still acting on impulse mind you, but still have time for reason to sneak in before sliding the plastic. </div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsd7iozzLcoUWl_hRZ4-EvBoAnNpvDVb7TMkppJ1UTK-G4kDAyLBki86PazjdVkjHIAAn-iO1IL71D5Z9rjFOOgGdL-sXUm2oi89cLt78kocy4zuvBtKUlUPFr8ZeAsCEwCp7JLfBJ_QlP/s1600/I+do+have+a+few+similar+outfits...jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsd7iozzLcoUWl_hRZ4-EvBoAnNpvDVb7TMkppJ1UTK-G4kDAyLBki86PazjdVkjHIAAn-iO1IL71D5Z9rjFOOgGdL-sXUm2oi89cLt78kocy4zuvBtKUlUPFr8ZeAsCEwCp7JLfBJ_QlP/s320/I+do+have+a+few+similar+outfits...jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizGAOhsiMmSlp7AwXONks-x1h7eO-guo0XlCzwwj46JY3QMGazGUTwtXyuYapU60tLMDK7eV87Utw9iKssEfJUG8dfFWkuPEhibkOf_3Tvjno_8OQ8tS6y-WGNLSGBbSUnwMbl1ybiqVIk/s1600/but+it's+so+pretty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizGAOhsiMmSlp7AwXONks-x1h7eO-guo0XlCzwwj46JY3QMGazGUTwtXyuYapU60tLMDK7eV87Utw9iKssEfJUG8dfFWkuPEhibkOf_3Tvjno_8OQ8tS6y-WGNLSGBbSUnwMbl1ybiqVIk/s320/but+it's+so+pretty.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Despite lust's valiant efforts, rationality almost always takes over and wins the debate.</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I realize that I need to eat more than I need the outfit - and I remember that I don't like to spend money. </div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Almost as quickly as I fell in love with the must have item I am able to talk myself out of it.</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3fQtIJbtlz5r4qqAdb_tZ8rPNwLyYw9DLyWt8btBrEyp1CEIaodX09FKjk0mTZr0q5Mz2JugQFkaKPBFoScZvAUx8_PTrsjBP-aay4Mlaahp-xmxc5Uqwzv7eKVT_XH_kjy1pvEYWzaHk/s1600/I+don't+need+it...jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3fQtIJbtlz5r4qqAdb_tZ8rPNwLyYw9DLyWt8btBrEyp1CEIaodX09FKjk0mTZr0q5Mz2JugQFkaKPBFoScZvAUx8_PTrsjBP-aay4Mlaahp-xmxc5Uqwzv7eKVT_XH_kjy1pvEYWzaHk/s320/I+don't+need+it...jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Tragically, I have abandoned many must have purchases in the name of frugality.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnIwwxupCY4_v9SDX975g7PpYHLKL3p83Ee84I6Yt2hEhrk9cIcVNGzxRb9_LqCxc3bRRALaPR4DC1q67anelvZE_2MdCFQvHCBNwOO8WhOpIRY423BTwWqyLCnN-lEqXgMuDZaH98Ag2b/s1600/walking+away.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnIwwxupCY4_v9SDX975g7PpYHLKL3p83Ee84I6Yt2hEhrk9cIcVNGzxRb9_LqCxc3bRRALaPR4DC1q67anelvZE_2MdCFQvHCBNwOO8WhOpIRY423BTwWqyLCnN-lEqXgMuDZaH98Ag2b/s320/walking+away.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">In the off chance that something sneaks through the rational shopping sieve, I can always return the item the next day if I catch a case of buyer's remorse. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">As illustrated above, normal/physical shopping has checks and balances to curb impulsive spending sprees. </div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Ebay does not. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">When I'm on E-bay, the checks do not balance and spontaneity strikes. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I will usually start by just browsing on e-bay, ruing over the drastically low prices Hong Kong has to offer when compared with local retail prices.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgthmhTKVNCtbx0nmc33PC4j-ssqCqCljCLgV8plfQ71dsrXw_LaIy0ayq4RlR3Xq5GMxJBqGr9VqE1HH7PcVqSl9qm4PlgtU6xWDPCv-ML1iJQOmMwMc5j1Kt8xQlUCohOKsWSKFS4aK2k/s1600/ebay+browsing.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgthmhTKVNCtbx0nmc33PC4j-ssqCqCljCLgV8plfQ71dsrXw_LaIy0ayq4RlR3Xq5GMxJBqGr9VqE1HH7PcVqSl9qm4PlgtU6xWDPCv-ML1iJQOmMwMc5j1Kt8xQlUCohOKsWSKFS4aK2k/s400/ebay+browsing.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Periodically, I find things I like</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf7Y0xnXSyzDLKe2vjKhn4wy__6iksDFtStpu8QkCwERNTHkHPa_VE3e6o3JywN4FE148Wicj4VYAng6czhIXGVMAPFJRIWlTUJPiMBIXYfd0RXzBICHf_-z3vqS9_RRVqqRn51HoziEmv/s1600/Cute+earrings+on+ebay.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf7Y0xnXSyzDLKe2vjKhn4wy__6iksDFtStpu8QkCwERNTHkHPa_VE3e6o3JywN4FE148Wicj4VYAng6czhIXGVMAPFJRIWlTUJPiMBIXYfd0RXzBICHf_-z3vqS9_RRVqqRn51HoziEmv/s400/Cute+earrings+on+ebay.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And I bid on them. </div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihsepgaHU1Y1-8CwC95PHKLj74ZuK70nviOluzPvmL3VB1sK2epXMzZOldU-T5LKFaRMx448uCKmCTZzJ-1G8rcghI-LOu22tw12E-ZrvgGkfBL1cVBodL4JByVvTPwtQ9fJv_-UJVywmE/s1600/ebay+earrings+bid+9.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihsepgaHU1Y1-8CwC95PHKLj74ZuK70nviOluzPvmL3VB1sK2epXMzZOldU-T5LKFaRMx448uCKmCTZzJ-1G8rcghI-LOu22tw12E-ZrvgGkfBL1cVBodL4JByVvTPwtQ9fJv_-UJVywmE/s400/ebay+earrings+bid+9.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigpOPEpAuP37y8QczvqJBjG11hOojk0KVjQvN-oh10W2y1uE1g0BVUAxupFS4BGt9diagfjE-kJo_tHgPDeEE6ecCfrg_XEEYKjMHKfMp9TyeH7WgDWOJaJFbMfcRogy6bnXTa_gmBqzgs/s1600/current+high+bidder.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigpOPEpAuP37y8QczvqJBjG11hOojk0KVjQvN-oh10W2y1uE1g0BVUAxupFS4BGt9diagfjE-kJo_tHgPDeEE6ecCfrg_XEEYKjMHKfMp9TyeH7WgDWOJaJFbMfcRogy6bnXTa_gmBqzgs/s400/current+high+bidder.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVnfKmUma9fXJ185BY1KfGVpWh42-2y_NsJfG-GcqtWNT3FTMP69eHgNH4_4irfTR5O2k4kwDSmjQzpXOJp87FUOnF2KFsgpRZ4JJsMSoRB3oH7ZYXLnDVv9GwCY7WAxQTb8Hplhm9_IPH/s1600/MINE!.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVnfKmUma9fXJ185BY1KfGVpWh42-2y_NsJfG-GcqtWNT3FTMP69eHgNH4_4irfTR5O2k4kwDSmjQzpXOJp87FUOnF2KFsgpRZ4JJsMSoRB3oH7ZYXLnDVv9GwCY7WAxQTb8Hplhm9_IPH/s400/MINE!.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I celebrate, feel proud of my bidding prowess and continue to browse... until the screen changes. </div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW5UK7U6Xq6dSadlovj13fRYCMzHCjOICgyFTlCflscuZ55Bv_SGiTffnjPkmcgOi5b0RGUpIVHP4RKXx9XOPy_2t8wEQqdaXdiNuC8cqwfeYwfwb1vK-facOE5-_Px8UWKhc0r3ybEuSP/s1600/You've+been+outbid+screen.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW5UK7U6Xq6dSadlovj13fRYCMzHCjOICgyFTlCflscuZ55Bv_SGiTffnjPkmcgOi5b0RGUpIVHP4RKXx9XOPy_2t8wEQqdaXdiNuC8cqwfeYwfwb1vK-facOE5-_Px8UWKhc0r3ybEuSP/s400/You've+been+outbid+screen.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVouhg0KqBLumzO3t_teShsoRNKaqGQ8-vLAhiBXsZCp3-huQTfLB7tu8HytzDtuXTwE-s_H2G1ZRcePY5Yjz0W8mgbt_8w_uM3LGa6w7WMj_-59T4SH4dP1yAq7KcBtNPPixu7MBUuKBh/s1600/I've+been+outbid%3f.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVouhg0KqBLumzO3t_teShsoRNKaqGQ8-vLAhiBXsZCp3-huQTfLB7tu8HytzDtuXTwE-s_H2G1ZRcePY5Yjz0W8mgbt_8w_uM3LGa6w7WMj_-59T4SH4dP1yAq7KcBtNPPixu7MBUuKBh/s400/I've+been+outbid%3f.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigpOPEpAuP37y8QczvqJBjG11hOojk0KVjQvN-oh10W2y1uE1g0BVUAxupFS4BGt9diagfjE-kJo_tHgPDeEE6ecCfrg_XEEYKjMHKfMp9TyeH7WgDWOJaJFbMfcRogy6bnXTa_gmBqzgs/s1600/current+high+bidder.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigpOPEpAuP37y8QczvqJBjG11hOojk0KVjQvN-oh10W2y1uE1g0BVUAxupFS4BGt9diagfjE-kJo_tHgPDeEE6ecCfrg_XEEYKjMHKfMp9TyeH7WgDWOJaJFbMfcRogy6bnXTa_gmBqzgs/s400/current+high+bidder.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSdaD7epdQHm8IU3pYryvymqFnMU12YHEmtH0D6N3vY4k3Yzmj1l94kfMmh1U1GTqfr90bfMD3r2MqSk29i0fjl9e0cmSi_aNDG0BFOx3PzGQ6ow64yCvxnjPPPlLrp4UDMFQ4Q-4_195F/s1600/Take+that+Taborkennedy+75.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSdaD7epdQHm8IU3pYryvymqFnMU12YHEmtH0D6N3vY4k3Yzmj1l94kfMmh1U1GTqfr90bfMD3r2MqSk29i0fjl9e0cmSi_aNDG0BFOx3PzGQ6ow64yCvxnjPPPlLrp4UDMFQ4Q-4_195F/s400/Take+that+Taborkennedy+75.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Then I get a bidding high. I feel so powerful with my little clicker that I start to bid on ALL the earrings</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz64-2dOhZcTMOCHVDbcikUNbqDRPsqstWSTab0FOXGaEcoIvrLElE9XCfhrOL54NwML7b7DaxknDWK6D_CDeBQISD0dvh95btPXjhJ1d8q3oIse1QlEl2mwUjJSPzSHOgGmlVWDrkO_p9/s1600/ebay+earrings+bid.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz64-2dOhZcTMOCHVDbcikUNbqDRPsqstWSTab0FOXGaEcoIvrLElE9XCfhrOL54NwML7b7DaxknDWK6D_CDeBQISD0dvh95btPXjhJ1d8q3oIse1QlEl2mwUjJSPzSHOgGmlVWDrkO_p9/s400/ebay+earrings+bid.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0n1638PJ2vvBw4CHlX_hykP0319geXkf-C0RliRgOyICR2iQT-FTCtoWXbqd8hM6z_TBWmrnqekt8N3y4KOOqegQ8lA-aS-1ekJ3Jy1-inltobHVb0v-bybZ5EC0uuRHtI8NMt_XlAvXa/s1600/Oh+Yeah.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0n1638PJ2vvBw4CHlX_hykP0319geXkf-C0RliRgOyICR2iQT-FTCtoWXbqd8hM6z_TBWmrnqekt8N3y4KOOqegQ8lA-aS-1ekJ3Jy1-inltobHVb0v-bybZ5EC0uuRHtI8NMt_XlAvXa/s400/Oh+Yeah.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSGGMWAx7FNQLfOYKmzuP1Vg3ezcGoubjHccgzyzj4tbJy17ugpoSPcbmkvpPogakCCbPhWjCIf36iXS9igkUgbD7b6Irgw6UvSFpb2IsreDIgZkuwawl5thyq-hLMH6LAMPtjDBqZ_tzi/s1600/ebay+earrings+bid+8.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSGGMWAx7FNQLfOYKmzuP1Vg3ezcGoubjHccgzyzj4tbJy17ugpoSPcbmkvpPogakCCbPhWjCIf36iXS9igkUgbD7b6Irgw6UvSFpb2IsreDIgZkuwawl5thyq-hLMH6LAMPtjDBqZ_tzi/s400/ebay+earrings+bid+8.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRGLSmbCu_CZCXS5A2mG5z0Y5rc1S2MWy9y0Fvl_H6j1DlABimlRr6WEhv83sgnq-9t5m6uZvbLoZemNNgPG6-rBMrUYl2OX7taQicUI1DseAvz7mMxMhf7KfeTRW8LrD1JcSMXtDErHCS/s1600/I+will+win+all+of+ebay.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRGLSmbCu_CZCXS5A2mG5z0Y5rc1S2MWy9y0Fvl_H6j1DlABimlRr6WEhv83sgnq-9t5m6uZvbLoZemNNgPG6-rBMrUYl2OX7taQicUI1DseAvz7mMxMhf7KfeTRW8LrD1JcSMXtDErHCS/s400/I+will+win+all+of+ebay.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">As my evil plot thickens, I plan to prevent all other E-bay users from ever winning any auction ever again. I concoct a plan to become the e-bay queen, buyer of all things beautiful. I bid on all of the things I simply MUST have. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">...But then I my plan comes to fruition and I really do win ALL the auctions. And I have to pay for all the auction I win. </div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And that is how I ended up with:</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> 88 pairs of China's finest earrings (of which 36 are one of three designs)</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> 7 tankini swim suit tops</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> 1200 rubber earring backings, </div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">5 striped maxi dresses</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> and 13 pairs of colored leggings</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Unlike normal fun found treasures, I cannot get buyers remorse and return all of my impromptu purchases the next day. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">E-bay makes you stare at your bid for days - giving you hope that some other idiot will bid $16.00 on a maxi dress made for the asian body type that will NEVER fit in length nor width. Then E-bay villainously extracts the money directly from your bank account when you have to "pay the pal" you unwittingly won junk from. Not only do you slowly watch your winning history add up without the ability to retract your bid clicks, but you have to wait for another 7-24 business days to receive your ill conceived purchase. It's all down hill after the bid confirmation. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">For all of these reasons I have removed myself from the e-bay bidding pool, albeit at the prompting of my well meaning husband. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">No more "bathroom breaks" during work hours to monitor the last few minutes of a soon to end auction on the E-bay app. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVD6iIQBQvOm066CJnv85vJ-_UtCuXPccEvDjoBaMPhn1IOs6uCFhNHofdf6LwNK4jrARSCqRAwjWXEAOMGSUZN321fHB_XYpb67AFB45BJurxWUvWycR4n4sbET-2j0bUhPcma7IfSEc1/s1600/sneaky+bidding+at+work.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVD6iIQBQvOm066CJnv85vJ-_UtCuXPccEvDjoBaMPhn1IOs6uCFhNHofdf6LwNK4jrARSCqRAwjWXEAOMGSUZN321fHB_XYpb67AFB45BJurxWUvWycR4n4sbET-2j0bUhPcma7IfSEc1/s400/sneaky+bidding+at+work.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">No more sneaking around, secretly celebrating my e-bay victories. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTSvQ6_jty9alDaTfZT57q1rPZYoqN6FiALnIdHAImTGZdj69yXBP-ShAvD3JPmIOSHBGVTUnkPXjlCBWESJrS9TWJUfSIoVw1_iY8QssC7oN4kDm3IsvE67hpBQu-mn58sZtO4v3iABUN/s1600/WIN!+i+win,+champion.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTSvQ6_jty9alDaTfZT57q1rPZYoqN6FiALnIdHAImTGZdj69yXBP-ShAvD3JPmIOSHBGVTUnkPXjlCBWESJrS9TWJUfSIoVw1_iY8QssC7oN4kDm3IsvE67hpBQu-mn58sZtO4v3iABUN/s400/WIN!+i+win,+champion.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio6fxcFyeT3w586Mah6IRAJXuyE0pmc9_2wkwioPMojij5-GqmAnyT0CUwnHQZUQQf66Yrrr-afFKtVxbX1AjJOvu6vqjbt8YJKoWNdO9QHNClWZuv9RVDdBaj9t_uW_K_G4P5ErGZ4K8t/s1600/I+won+at+farmville....png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio6fxcFyeT3w586Mah6IRAJXuyE0pmc9_2wkwioPMojij5-GqmAnyT0CUwnHQZUQQf66Yrrr-afFKtVxbX1AjJOvu6vqjbt8YJKoWNdO9QHNClWZuv9RVDdBaj9t_uW_K_G4P5ErGZ4K8t/s400/I+won+at+farmville....png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZJfMF3pZA3gK1nAmAmU_jU8WgLJ6Gqam_y5Zze8AsB6wTZ3-WSg3k8Ji039QOoAd_uC7pJfQWaRQofDT-kUYxaO08cwYjMob0JQUwIwl_BKCF9MGta8zp8Ujh_xfhybCcl07cR_Q4wwZf/s1600/whisper+champion.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZJfMF3pZA3gK1nAmAmU_jU8WgLJ6Gqam_y5Zze8AsB6wTZ3-WSg3k8Ji039QOoAd_uC7pJfQWaRQofDT-kUYxaO08cwYjMob0JQUwIwl_BKCF9MGta8zp8Ujh_xfhybCcl07cR_Q4wwZf/s400/whisper+champion.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">No more E-bay. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Goodbye E-bay, possibly forever. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div></div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-64757690688500255812012-08-05T18:35:00.006-06:002012-11-28T11:26:30.775-07:00The Chicken Feud<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="text-align: center;">Preface: This post does not admit any guilt to punishable crimes; nor can its contents be used against me in the pursuit of compensation for over priced road crossing chickens.<br />
<br />
Let us begin.<br />
<br />
The neighbors on either side of us have been feuding for months. Until this week I have managed to stay on the outskirts of said feud, being amused by the sneaky moves of either side but never participating. </div><div style="text-align: center;">Due to my terrible driving skills and the inability of chickens to cross roads, I was nearly a participant. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">The "Capulets" are organic chicken farmers (which just means they don't feed their chickens store bought chicken feed but let them eat whatever crap is the ground instead)<br />
<br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">The "Montagues" are field farmers that sell their products to a neighboring dairy. The Montagues also have children, which is why they recently procured a golden retriever puppy.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
While still in training the puppy returned to the Montague home looking like this: </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz9e-A80uzoaxV_UdYizQr4W5mSgoXqdj4mBojpkIZcdwDRAFtKTgq9C-TTGX97lzIK8KwsedvFDE81DWm26ygnnm3PZo69cj75dG1PKahMe6QyxH1YPAc-2U7o8t3YvYO9DpfLGEU9Bjw/s1600/feather+covered+dog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz9e-A80uzoaxV_UdYizQr4W5mSgoXqdj4mBojpkIZcdwDRAFtKTgq9C-TTGX97lzIK8KwsedvFDE81DWm26ygnnm3PZo69cj75dG1PKahMe6QyxH1YPAc-2U7o8t3YvYO9DpfLGEU9Bjw/s640/feather+covered+dog.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">And the Capulets had 12 less organic chickens. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">In retaliation, the Capulets charged the Montagues $50 per chicken - handing over a hefty $600 bill. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
The Montagues tried to avoid the bill by buying 12 new chicks for $2 each - which was a clever but unfruitful ploy. </div><div style="text-align: center;">The Capulets rejected the replacement chicks and the Montagues were left with 12 unwanted chickens, 24 less dollars than they started with and a $600 bill that had not disappeared.<br />
<br />
<br />
Begrudgingly, the Montagues paid the Capulets and immediately started to plot their revenge. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">The Montagues then put their revenge plan to action: They planted a strawberry vineyard just across the skinny dirt road from the free grazing "organic" chickens.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfxP5Y2u29k3HZRx4TgWK2oSBNYGhQLt-FI-M48qC2EgfxmGY99E1BQu9yxjRh398QLT3z7CzZd4eWNwHq0L498wxti_D6i54-CNC_DTAuSu3DGI4m36HVGgBnmli79xF3u4HFJWXy3XDp/s1600/Strawberry+Vinyard+across+the+street+labelled.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfxP5Y2u29k3HZRx4TgWK2oSBNYGhQLt-FI-M48qC2EgfxmGY99E1BQu9yxjRh398QLT3z7CzZd4eWNwHq0L498wxti_D6i54-CNC_DTAuSu3DGI4m36HVGgBnmli79xF3u4HFJWXy3XDp/s640/Strawberry+Vinyard+across+the+street+labelled.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">Now, when the hungry chickens inevitably wandered across the road and into the strawberry patch, the Montagues could hypothetically charge the Capulets for both the seeds that have been consumed and the plants that have been pooped on until the 600 dollar restitution was recouped.<br />
<br />
The Capulets have tried to keep their chickens on their own side and the Montagues have tried to catch the chickens in the act of strawberry stealing - neither have been very successful. They have, however, been successful at broadcasting the various disputes and entertaining the rest of the road. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">Here's where I come in.<br />
<br />
A few morning ago I was driving to work, eating my ice cream breakfast, trying to put on my makeup without looking in the mirror and steering with my knee. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCLUGmjNI2TMham8jny3TzsFBSLoWW-cQC6v-vi0beB6FByNAQuAIdtZR40XQeDhUAdVAwOnzVWgq4gRvrLVceo2B2lDajgGXNM5bBKJZxwkA22hn0fWKIQQWOfMe8IP1tJMMCMKacS_7m/s1600/driving,+makeup,+breakfast.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCLUGmjNI2TMham8jny3TzsFBSLoWW-cQC6v-vi0beB6FByNAQuAIdtZR40XQeDhUAdVAwOnzVWgq4gRvrLVceo2B2lDajgGXNM5bBKJZxwkA22hn0fWKIQQWOfMe8IP1tJMMCMKacS_7m/s400/driving,+makeup,+breakfast.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Don't ask me why my mouth is open, for some reason I, along with the rest of the female sex, feel it's somehow necessary to open my mouth in order to properly apply mascara to my eyelashes. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I turned the corner from our gravel road onto the dirt road that separates the Montague vineyard and the Capulet chickens. As I started to drive past the Capulet's house I noticed far fewer chickens surrounding their home and far more chickens across the road. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">A majority of the organic chickens were in the strawberry field plucking at the berries and scratching at the ground.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Neither the Capulets nor the Montagues were around to witness the infraction so I snickered to myself just imagining the neighborly mess that would ensue later that morning. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">All of the sudden the chickens decided they'd had quite enough stolen breakfast and decided to cross the road, right in front of my car. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Chickens are possibly the stupidest animals alive. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXkytfzCHV3NKcfrq3ssH5Zy_Zqodl2PBQDBjAkyF1-x1zTA96nEpmkEsgysSFteNhAFezutpYJga_S41OkI6jeQtVxO7bixduATsuUSIvzKqPb6h1zXGdjgd6vVI5ruwP6b7h2lALJQm0/s1600/DON'T+HIT+THE+CHICKENS!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXkytfzCHV3NKcfrq3ssH5Zy_Zqodl2PBQDBjAkyF1-x1zTA96nEpmkEsgysSFteNhAFezutpYJga_S41OkI6jeQtVxO7bixduATsuUSIvzKqPb6h1zXGdjgd6vVI5ruwP6b7h2lALJQm0/s400/DON'T+HIT+THE+CHICKENS!.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I threw on the breaks, and sadly my mascara, but thankfully didn't hit any of the chickens. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiraSTPnk0mx8uxHUO9yKqJ66AaVOnkZufPBeBo3-pWAAD1xt1_iX721xigLvedlrno5-LAnNixoYLTxZAXKJ8jyoPwiUi5ANfRLAiFgZpL6-jGeUlZdrvZttAD3pbl8v42d6QPFJt_uVcJ/s1600/HALT!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiraSTPnk0mx8uxHUO9yKqJ66AaVOnkZufPBeBo3-pWAAD1xt1_iX721xigLvedlrno5-LAnNixoYLTxZAXKJ8jyoPwiUi5ANfRLAiFgZpL6-jGeUlZdrvZttAD3pbl8v42d6QPFJt_uVcJ/s400/HALT!.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Whew.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY-TgNJnJXA03dH369kLHKvEyxK-vnNIwlbWORxdcapa0mYHLA6yWw0Lh_QNrMrbBzUMvbdwQMtkRgH71b3wZciFMhtrbDgSG4Ne3I8aOJ8XzhhYf5wL8BuFbX0GXj_hw-U5em3KbX5tCg/s1600/whew.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY-TgNJnJXA03dH369kLHKvEyxK-vnNIwlbWORxdcapa0mYHLA6yWw0Lh_QNrMrbBzUMvbdwQMtkRgH71b3wZciFMhtrbDgSG4Ne3I8aOJ8XzhhYf5wL8BuFbX0GXj_hw-U5em3KbX5tCg/s400/whew.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I then tentatively started to pull forward, checking the whole time for more chickens trying to cross the road. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihXTL2uFJGoNok1yN_LB8SB5F93SS5IueDO9aZvLgFvj5hmP5rSLuXtkgWt9f1Hm3_pSo2l0nqBozTiqq75__jgxh18yocesR2i7QLpvmkt7uWh23_5_NdWcacM7rIdfqpTDt1T3SNjhf6/s1600/looking+for+chickens.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihXTL2uFJGoNok1yN_LB8SB5F93SS5IueDO9aZvLgFvj5hmP5rSLuXtkgWt9f1Hm3_pSo2l0nqBozTiqq75__jgxh18yocesR2i7QLpvmkt7uWh23_5_NdWcacM7rIdfqpTDt1T3SNjhf6/s400/looking+for+chickens.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I continued through chicken territory, waiting patiently for the animals to make their way out of my path before lightly pushing the gas. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">When I thought I had finally successfully traversed the road without any expensive casualties and I could see no more beaks in the front of my fender I started to pull forward. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I then heard a sharp squawk and felt a slight bump beneath me. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrnYwNRA2Tx9HNhYx2ZO0awb3PmP2zdGHi5HXv4pwveznyYPgK8lGnAWWeroQK97wPBjB7yyEmw9TJXRSbUftKiS9Wf52tSb9-w2PfHz8fwoQ-40qIbKRYx-YgA0OsMV5inWC_-EojIAv_/s1600/One+stupid+chicken.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrnYwNRA2Tx9HNhYx2ZO0awb3PmP2zdGHi5HXv4pwveznyYPgK8lGnAWWeroQK97wPBjB7yyEmw9TJXRSbUftKiS9Wf52tSb9-w2PfHz8fwoQ-40qIbKRYx-YgA0OsMV5inWC_-EojIAv_/s640/One+stupid+chicken.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">One stupid chicken decided to shoot the gap and I somehow managed to run him over going a whopping 5 mph. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Then I panicked. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCzmTHd8gSXhXGSklIP1E80WhOqSqodmHFCCJRTNihLozlAdKL18p-twA0sROl3kK62n4NRhqlthWn0hgYAXIIxmHzUx6iK4YOlTZSM0xqszA3dB-BlIhd1T3d3POZNy56X92L5MEIz4GU/s1600/Utah's+most+expensive+chicken.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCzmTHd8gSXhXGSklIP1E80WhOqSqodmHFCCJRTNihLozlAdKL18p-twA0sROl3kK62n4NRhqlthWn0hgYAXIIxmHzUx6iK4YOlTZSM0xqszA3dB-BlIhd1T3d3POZNy56X92L5MEIz4GU/s400/Utah's+most+expensive+chicken.png" width="400" /></a><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And then I weighed my options. I could:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">A) Fess up and pay for the $50 chicken</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">B) Pluck some feathers and frame the golden retriever</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">C) Flee the scene of the crime and leave the body for investigation </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">D) Hide all evidence </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDVkWt-WKagCTldV95sRdTKbccYifaKX3ICuzoW-v7tA-Re3Bzxb_YR9vW8uRoe42Cfl1v0FkYLtMZXTysWR6mhXyN-xPLNhg_YB0BoXONuGsBy2wCfmyJMJmkCxkMWguetpgkNBpH3ZeB/s1600/I+must+hide+all+evidence.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDVkWt-WKagCTldV95sRdTKbccYifaKX3ICuzoW-v7tA-Re3Bzxb_YR9vW8uRoe42Cfl1v0FkYLtMZXTysWR6mhXyN-xPLNhg_YB0BoXONuGsBy2wCfmyJMJmkCxkMWguetpgkNBpH3ZeB/s400/I+must+hide+all+evidence.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I chose D. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">So I exited to the car to commence covering up my crime. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">First I had to find out if I had really killed the chicken or just injured it. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNg9HfkqltRKc2KvRUbiCZEzSn_rfbfdQ-OBhQxLtTD7ytrMB1tV57UhVkrLH9eGeOe8JzzOYrl4dWcETFbdaxSIJlwgU8GBgKWEh4BYq5NZsbEHADO7J0vch6Hz4Jp2dtaq6-X_Ah6Gv_/s1600/chicken%3F+Are+you+alive%3f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNg9HfkqltRKc2KvRUbiCZEzSn_rfbfdQ-OBhQxLtTD7ytrMB1tV57UhVkrLH9eGeOe8JzzOYrl4dWcETFbdaxSIJlwgU8GBgKWEh4BYq5NZsbEHADO7J0vch6Hz4Jp2dtaq6-X_Ah6Gv_/s400/chicken%3F+Are+you+alive%3f.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">When it didn't respond to verbal advances I decided to poke it</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEAMq4zHFTHiESTiQIqfLVlbE-a-lAbcwCfSIfgz_-fVKgX6w8nEo5YafZq4FjVWNodCGml2UWA2NP0fT2CHCBwWtpATsSiQ9nsXwaihDqiL2PFq-niYHXB2M2-yiwrqbuxk2sOCATBX8O/s1600/poke.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEAMq4zHFTHiESTiQIqfLVlbE-a-lAbcwCfSIfgz_-fVKgX6w8nEo5YafZq4FjVWNodCGml2UWA2NP0fT2CHCBwWtpATsSiQ9nsXwaihDqiL2PFq-niYHXB2M2-yiwrqbuxk2sOCATBX8O/s400/poke.jpg" width="400" /></a><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPCCvR87reNO0enKAJNHGqomEB8Y28jin-PFQi5oJct_I5ZmXbma85RJRmgFo3nxpRLZuqC5fCUicMkESirIaxeM3A1B8pDSLUYWndkRrQ2v_ARfyeLTD7NrslWi1GZh9FJLdAettFrguJ/s1600/alive%3F.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPCCvR87reNO0enKAJNHGqomEB8Y28jin-PFQi5oJct_I5ZmXbma85RJRmgFo3nxpRLZuqC5fCUicMkESirIaxeM3A1B8pDSLUYWndkRrQ2v_ARfyeLTD7NrslWi1GZh9FJLdAettFrguJ/s400/alive%3F.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">It didn't move. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">The $50 chicken was definitely dead. I now had to dispose of the body. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I happened to have some mail from the day before in the back seat of my car. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Fortunately for me, we are not very popular. Thus the only thing the post master ever has to bring us is coupon papers for local grocers. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">They served quite nicely as a seat cover.</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8ABKIRIJ4FS47-i-hZETzSz8Z93nH1KYE2Rpa0U6_Je0RIS7BBPWoJdkTo-FXwWLDwi-eX1quxHgn0pliQHr6QWSpKXHQlbtnhmvxPqR1g7aucE9pq6c8cl_3n16ovRFuiaasHMhtXA1A/s1600/disposing+of+the+evidence.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8ABKIRIJ4FS47-i-hZETzSz8Z93nH1KYE2Rpa0U6_Je0RIS7BBPWoJdkTo-FXwWLDwi-eX1quxHgn0pliQHr6QWSpKXHQlbtnhmvxPqR1g7aucE9pq6c8cl_3n16ovRFuiaasHMhtXA1A/s400/disposing+of+the+evidence.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I hesitantly picked up the dead chicken and threw him in the back seat, on top of the newspapers of course. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">As I started to drive away it dawned on me that I had a Capulet corpse in the back of my car. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I couldn't leave it there when I went to work</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">In fact I didn't want it there while driving to work. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizsLk1TDq35ikq-l7oQ9eDdKeXCZk626vSmd8XyCZVAnVIoKmSOynfdtalK5PxPBBAzCVsYaqadt1oQI3hFH70H77ziITgfe3rDuPkhqUgVoKbB08De7GwKn76ELRuouj_nxW_qBjkTyAz/s1600/There+is+a+dead+chicekn+in+my+back+seat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizsLk1TDq35ikq-l7oQ9eDdKeXCZk626vSmd8XyCZVAnVIoKmSOynfdtalK5PxPBBAzCVsYaqadt1oQI3hFH70H77ziITgfe3rDuPkhqUgVoKbB08De7GwKn76ELRuouj_nxW_qBjkTyAz/s400/There+is+a+dead+chicekn+in+my+back+seat.jpg" width="400" /></a><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-X_WpBuTHD2VjshtuN56N2mmDFdYroXdfqB0Yg9l14mRqNBbRNBfkTrAjpXJR8Hf6TNbHPIydzHmuaHoxgFKczmVXeza71P26QTJuVLKPeuw27OW4OaQUE7qQhu7Numxiqjqei20LaJVx/s1600/He+is+only+going+to+get+stinkier.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-X_WpBuTHD2VjshtuN56N2mmDFdYroXdfqB0Yg9l14mRqNBbRNBfkTrAjpXJR8Hf6TNbHPIydzHmuaHoxgFKczmVXeza71P26QTJuVLKPeuw27OW4OaQUE7qQhu7Numxiqjqei20LaJVx/s400/He+is+only+going+to+get+stinkier.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Panic set in once more. Sadly, there are no shady swamp lands nor mob dumping grounds to successfully hide corpses in Cache Valley, much less on the way to work. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I had no where to conspicuously dump the body. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7nruokiYJdxq7H6zU0KGfrOSSpAfibQylFnejA36ttaBFtnse40G_ecv7oTcTfnXPYncZBEZiSJsEaUnmJP0rI5BUT9_mrFgRHoOR0Iv8OYGM11ka_AZhoL4oyxP7fPuO8GxtsOCBxUGc/s1600/Where+do+I+put+a+rotting+chicken%3f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7nruokiYJdxq7H6zU0KGfrOSSpAfibQylFnejA36ttaBFtnse40G_ecv7oTcTfnXPYncZBEZiSJsEaUnmJP0rI5BUT9_mrFgRHoOR0Iv8OYGM11ka_AZhoL4oyxP7fPuO8GxtsOCBxUGc/s400/Where+do+I+put+a+rotting+chicken%3f.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">So I did what any humane person would do and I abandoned the body near the stop sign on the corner of the Hyde Park Cemetery. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">RIP chicken. RIP. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I then went to work, threw away the corpse contaminated coupons and washed my hands about 16 times (with scalding water) to ensure cleanliness for the preggo ladies I work with. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I also cleaned the backseat of my car. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Twice. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJe-vU2nbsFKq2L73zAlIGIzVE2NjSBZOVZBfMJmcc9n__jEwA383dtimF2Xm2qh-ljwxyX5WQ0vC_50_hxurcZBbQ_An7Fq3rAFtxoY3I2LzRZXTYtq2I1YKzsrCmGC3UO-T6Ay_UrQMD/s1600/The+End!+Chicken.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJe-vU2nbsFKq2L73zAlIGIzVE2NjSBZOVZBfMJmcc9n__jEwA383dtimF2Xm2qh-ljwxyX5WQ0vC_50_hxurcZBbQ_An7Fq3rAFtxoY3I2LzRZXTYtq2I1YKzsrCmGC3UO-T6Ay_UrQMD/s640/The+End!+Chicken.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div></div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-12298476205844516232012-06-25T10:10:00.002-06:002012-06-25T17:23:34.319-06:00The Sheet Is Falling! The Sheet Is Falling!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: white;">Two days after high school graduation I boarded a plane to Africa and spent the summer teaching math at the Jesus Grammar School in Dawhenya, Ghana. While I was there I fell in love with the country, the people and the culture - but mostly the children. The following is not about the heartfelt lessons or mature moments of clarity experienced there, however, this post is about the language barrier. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Ghanaians, like most Africans, speak multiple languages. In the little village I lived in, Dawhenya, the population spoke Dangme, Twi, English, French and a few other nameless dialects I couldn't differentiate between. </span></div>
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I only spoke one language. </div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Luckily, English is one of the many tongues of Ghana. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">Unfortunately, it is not the same english I remember learning in the states. The African accent is heavy and places emphasis on all the wrong syllables. African vowels make entirely different sounds than American vowels and for some reason the Ghanaian vocabulary consists mainly of words the U.S. has chosen to leave behind or define much differently. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">Example: </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">My first week in Dawhenya I heard the following tattle-tale from a number of children </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-k92FAcLzV_PocLGDuzS_K2yJjBQQ89WLtwa7r7mgsHsETy7O0g0XzOPCZCL2ybAWE7pC8SkuuN_J52y73NE1bkno3a27XeMi-gvlApmzZrO6ovjqHWCm0cCGmHSn8T9rEXGLejy8Op-o/s1600/Mees!+Mees!+He+flash+me!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-k92FAcLzV_PocLGDuzS_K2yJjBQQ89WLtwa7r7mgsHsETy7O0g0XzOPCZCL2ybAWE7pC8SkuuN_J52y73NE1bkno3a27XeMi-gvlApmzZrO6ovjqHWCm0cCGmHSn8T9rEXGLejy8Op-o/s400/Mees!+Mees!+He+flash+me!.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">Naturally, I assumed the child meant the students were exposing themselves to eachother as per the standard definition for "flash".</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"> I was shocked.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">Here I thought the American School system was being eroded by an over acceptance of moral relativism in the name of universal acceptance, and my pedestal students at Jesus Grammar School were flashing one another. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">What I thought happened: </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlQXKWJ-GPSPzG0iyOuvKu_cgfm82pW3Puf4OW_23oQTss83Twq-9oKK2ZS0AglYhrgqmTL5VS7HyUBAZ2a11ofk_aWIU6vlQYM2hLhR9zCwI-6aQPyPEf-UB1nV8xp7PM7J6UfVqvSoom/s1600/What+I+thought+flash+me+meant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlQXKWJ-GPSPzG0iyOuvKu_cgfm82pW3Puf4OW_23oQTss83Twq-9oKK2ZS0AglYhrgqmTL5VS7HyUBAZ2a11ofk_aWIU6vlQYM2hLhR9zCwI-6aQPyPEf-UB1nV8xp7PM7J6UfVqvSoom/s400/What+I+thought+flash+me+meant.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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What Actually Happened: </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0_tgPA9cVE-iT4LPU7nBnsUzwThRtCRMYpcL89DyW6BEjnvwa38MFinUyvOolPZ-0ymlT8TXYX6PP8tyZp3f7gQ2CYZq2NJWw-UILU7A3JrWY2TBTAOI6xgkcGYQxcIoYrCBv9JmfS2Df/s1600/What+Flash+Me+really+means.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0_tgPA9cVE-iT4LPU7nBnsUzwThRtCRMYpcL89DyW6BEjnvwa38MFinUyvOolPZ-0ymlT8TXYX6PP8tyZp3f7gQ2CYZq2NJWw-UILU7A3JrWY2TBTAOI6xgkcGYQxcIoYrCBv9JmfS2Df/s400/What+Flash+Me+really+means.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Clearly I was mistaken.<br />
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A few days later I was in the market shopping for mangoes when I struck up a conversation with a native Ghanaian who was roughly my age. He was friendly and I was lacking in adult interaction so I let him take my phone and enter his contact information.<br />
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*Side note - while most Dawhenyans live without electricity in plywood shanties sharing a single communal water spigot that is only functional 13 days out of the month - they all have cell phones, facebook and an uncanny knowledge about american celebrities.<br />
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He handed me back the phone, smiled and told me to "flash him"<br />
Now I had learned from the previous school yard miscommunication that "flashing" wasn't an indecent mardi gras hoorah - it was flatulence in the general direction of another person.<br />
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I was still confused.<br />
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What I thought he meant:<br />
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What he actually meant:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhswyAALHmT93R5zBhuBzsik44o89aM_yiUS2AOM5or9gAssVfIGJl2CU26-6QHWv00POubMtMYNGc7NDkPl8V8ANCcBh4ida2hJtrCMqiwbbONK72tm9iWDrbi88gcMX4HFnbeDcrpEIly/s1600/How+he+actually+wanted+me+to+flash+him.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhswyAALHmT93R5zBhuBzsik44o89aM_yiUS2AOM5or9gAssVfIGJl2CU26-6QHWv00POubMtMYNGc7NDkPl8V8ANCcBh4ida2hJtrCMqiwbbONK72tm9iWDrbi88gcMX4HFnbeDcrpEIly/s400/How+he+actually+wanted+me+to+flash+him.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Apparently Webster's dictionary hasn't made it to Dawhenya yet, If I ever return, I plan to take one and clarify once and for all the correct definition of the world "flash". </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"> I did not speak African English. </span><br />
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Grades 2 and 3 were held in a makeshift structure haphazardly enclosed by rows of ruggedly cut sticks and covered by a leaky grass thatch roof.<br />
Because I feel my paint skills are especially lacking in the drawing of class 2 and 3, I've included a real picture. If you want to see said real picture click <a href="http://raspywit.blogspot.com/p/class-2-and-3-africa-photos.html" target="_blank">here</a>. </div>
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Grade 2 happened to be my favorite class. </div>
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One day, about two weeks into my African Adventure, I was teaching in grade 2 when the children started to make a ruckus. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLqlKhEEeLOHPe1m7g7EF24XNuSDjVRhfsOzLrxCqOZjKR4VvoABcTSAdPK80c__AD2pT3o4hTrZC_FHsz2ZsZXurjmwYmnMBaVzqJVeVUrVUqxle6OXr8GmAJVNwpqerETPzYacGw17Xz/s1600/Math+Class+Dawhenya.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLqlKhEEeLOHPe1m7g7EF24XNuSDjVRhfsOzLrxCqOZjKR4VvoABcTSAdPK80c__AD2pT3o4hTrZC_FHsz2ZsZXurjmwYmnMBaVzqJVeVUrVUqxle6OXr8GmAJVNwpqerETPzYacGw17Xz/s400/Math+Class+Dawhenya.png" width="400" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKFxtds4K9lIqgOtEZJd6n5jhOSmXNjLZ8t330YA4OuS4NuMkX6M6soNWvffyaHjolc4xZsVx62cL_Len3IVgN2oRdNFlyOQJ9QgBc8xSZvnaHER5roNwvLQL6e-7sopxQS3lJ5plYVn6_/s1600/falling+sheet.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKFxtds4K9lIqgOtEZJd6n5jhOSmXNjLZ8t330YA4OuS4NuMkX6M6soNWvffyaHjolc4xZsVx62cL_Len3IVgN2oRdNFlyOQJ9QgBc8xSZvnaHER5roNwvLQL6e-7sopxQS3lJ5plYVn6_/s400/falling+sheet.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I did not know what "falling sheet" was, but apparently it was a big deal. </div>
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So I asked.</div>
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The problem with asking second graders to explain something to you is their inability to speak one at a time. All the sudden I had fifteen children all yelling out, in various degrees of correct english, trying to explicate exactly what this mysterious "sheet" was. All I was able to ascertain is there was something in the roof and somehow it was all Peter's fault. </div>
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Peter was a trouble maker. </div>
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I now understand the complicated relationship between trouble maker and teacher. While the child is mischievous and disruptive in class, teachers find them secretly funny and sneakily able to win them over despite poor behavior.</div>
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I secretly thought Peter was hilarious. </div>
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I racked my brain for a proper definition of "sheet" and came up with two possibilities. </div>
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Either there was a literal bed sheet holding up the thatch roofing or there was a sheet metal lining to serve the same purpose. </div>
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Peter must have been pulling down this structural sheet, threatening the soundness of grade 2's classroom.</div>
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I went to investigate. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTUD2r5mxhg57dW8xDS_Vl4Zl9b1cmtM1CR_QrvLalpWEmNn_DNCtzwDJcaxwnqjYyQmjMmxldiqpNAFjcwHD4s9oezkQXKTqkuD8-o6WyH53QRfYo8G3YYp34iI7DAxL3R0YhWBljfwOL/s1600/Look.+Sheet.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTUD2r5mxhg57dW8xDS_Vl4Zl9b1cmtM1CR_QrvLalpWEmNn_DNCtzwDJcaxwnqjYyQmjMmxldiqpNAFjcwHD4s9oezkQXKTqkuD8-o6WyH53QRfYo8G3YYp34iI7DAxL3R0YhWBljfwOL/s400/Look.+Sheet.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I couldn't see anything beyond the mess of palm leaves and grasses that comprised the roof. </div>
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The second problem with second graders is their lack of ability to distinguish between auditory and visual stimulus. While I was busy looking for bed linens in the ceiling, the entire class started to point and shout "Sheet! Sheet!" as if their cheering would motivate me to see better. </div>
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My eyes were not motivated. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicqXc6rAlBTPA6R8dKbPTYxlhsCVj219fxX_qRAbwZ0yHzKovjrvwoxuvqUfJbyKl6PDNWo_XNwgxfH3-g_gEb_XXTa0Fgi3FalxOY6XDSQfk3tbCs1y15tezKBerTFf_XE3fZzl9HyJPd/s1600/Sheet!+Sheet!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicqXc6rAlBTPA6R8dKbPTYxlhsCVj219fxX_qRAbwZ0yHzKovjrvwoxuvqUfJbyKl6PDNWo_XNwgxfH3-g_gEb_XXTa0Fgi3FalxOY6XDSQfk3tbCs1y15tezKBerTFf_XE3fZzl9HyJPd/s400/Sheet!+Sheet!.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I still saw no sheet. </div>
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I began to believe Peter had duped me yet again, and gotten the rest of the class to go along with it. </div>
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I confiscated the stick from Peter and prodded a bit myself, feeling for the enigmatic "sheet". </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidM56dYArHTNF0EKNbGE-QpZLnj8n7kfRLMoV2rehIRx4-5-jjkJjAts6EJV6Tg9ZJM_7nva2trKyerpVlxDkKORvSfqsehSJ4LWICAaVTB4WtiQHevz_huefLp49va4QDLwCkxi82eTSg/s1600/poking+the+sheet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidM56dYArHTNF0EKNbGE-QpZLnj8n7kfRLMoV2rehIRx4-5-jjkJjAts6EJV6Tg9ZJM_7nva2trKyerpVlxDkKORvSfqsehSJ4LWICAaVTB4WtiQHevz_huefLp49va4QDLwCkxi82eTSg/s400/poking+the+sheet.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I found nothing. </div>
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Conclusion: it was a Peter prank. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDY2d5vB38fQU2GSXp_bPoVLTq3OeQqu30ivHI7QlSgpOf2O2HGEukzGiFQ-p-QEA9uOEblNwdeK78KX7S9rUQlWext2coB53DeG8Iq9-mNtSwEtoreRSnfxk_PRGO0YBYw1iKcomM_9Zo/s1600/I+don't+see+any+sheet+in+the+roof.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDY2d5vB38fQU2GSXp_bPoVLTq3OeQqu30ivHI7QlSgpOf2O2HGEukzGiFQ-p-QEA9uOEblNwdeK78KX7S9rUQlWext2coB53DeG8Iq9-mNtSwEtoreRSnfxk_PRGO0YBYw1iKcomM_9Zo/s400/I+don't+see+any+sheet+in+the+roof.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I thought I had settled it.</div>
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No touching the roof. </div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Sit in your seats. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"> Problem solved and Shenanigans neutralized. </span></div>
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But the children persisted. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ1Tg771A5iUtJw48w_yGN16qatVmPq8YGAac0lTUWwopLZJtecAKCRSEBIeXwivEmKluGmJ5Aqp8dfYMg0cS7-JcIMQASfZ5ln8ZgrwABBXlyQ3NSOs52XTdEMI10JxtSuKETOhxK1D-k/s1600/But+mees!+She+sheet+on+your+head!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ1Tg771A5iUtJw48w_yGN16qatVmPq8YGAac0lTUWwopLZJtecAKCRSEBIeXwivEmKluGmJ5Aqp8dfYMg0cS7-JcIMQASfZ5ln8ZgrwABBXlyQ3NSOs52XTdEMI10JxtSuKETOhxK1D-k/s400/But+mees!+She+sheet+on+your+head!.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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And so did I </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjunNqhyZALBHKHJwI3ekvqwvJ6mmwKTVDPpeleXWr56TN5J1ib3ZYCOm2dRylHgPuvZ_IaYeOgmzix9RICuDWbbg1dME9mUOEb1X4eZrRRUjAnwLeuKouOHALVkre4R5mSABnnjRC_Rtbc/s1600/No+more+jokes,+to+your+seats!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjunNqhyZALBHKHJwI3ekvqwvJ6mmwKTVDPpeleXWr56TN5J1ib3ZYCOm2dRylHgPuvZ_IaYeOgmzix9RICuDWbbg1dME9mUOEb1X4eZrRRUjAnwLeuKouOHALVkre4R5mSABnnjRC_Rtbc/s400/No+more+jokes,+to+your+seats!.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Francis (the only teacher for all 6 grades at Jesus Grammar School), hearing the commotion across the stick barrier separating class 2 and 3 came to settle my class for me. </div>
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When he heard the children shouting "Sheet, Sheet! Sheet on mees Weenties head!" and saw my perplexed expression he couldn't stop laughing and I was even further out of the loop. </div>
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I then learned that there is no "sheet" involved in the making of a thatch roof. </div>
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There are, however, little animals that often make their home in the thatch, and often poop in their homes. </div>
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"Sheet" is the Ghanaian pronunciation for the 4 letter "S" word for feces. </div>
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I unwittingly poked and prodded feces from the rodent infested roof and into my hair. </div>
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I was a sheet-head. </div>
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I also allowed an entire room of 8 year olds to chant profanities.</div>
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sheet. </div>
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The End. </div>
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</div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-46899180734472174742012-06-12T20:31:00.000-06:002012-06-25T17:24:18.694-06:00Failing at Finals<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I have been in college for a total of nine semesters (including summer semesters), 168 credits and four years; you would expect me to be at least proficient in navigating collegiate courses. </div>
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This is not the case.<br />
While I have gone through finals week 8 times before now, I have yet to master the art of acing a final. </div>
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Sure I pull off good grades (depending on your definition of "good" - I have yet to receive a 4.0) but when the end of the semester approaches... I fall to pieces.<br />
This may be due to the fact that I doodle in the margins of my notes during class instead of paying attention or writing down pertinent information.<br />
It may also be due to the fact that any class before 9 a.m. I find excuses not to go to at least once a week, or it may be attributable to my study approach: Start studying one day prior to test, cram all night and pray you remember something. </div>
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<br />
If this narrative doesn't clearly explicate why I am the last person you should ask for study advice, the following illustrated time line of a typical finals night should. </div>
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<br />
This is a true story.<br />
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To preface: I cannot study in rigid chairs or perched at a desk surrounded by other studious scholars, my approach to studying involves being sprawled out on a bed or couch with all necessary study materials scattered around me.<br />
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We begin.<br />
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18 Hours to test time: the studying commences.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjDhMtnt7J25yHrl9kgvYlChFDQwCsMPj5MABsKWuRcHJYCnMtPGkVaCOrIPNMceEL9g8jEDC9WHJgaDBiMWRtb4Aqa5btjgBFgR3tRpxZxMwDcUc0RqPGYTgEwRHST5bAXy0eIumxu8oa/s1600/Studying+sprawled+out.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjDhMtnt7J25yHrl9kgvYlChFDQwCsMPj5MABsKWuRcHJYCnMtPGkVaCOrIPNMceEL9g8jEDC9WHJgaDBiMWRtb4Aqa5btjgBFgR3tRpxZxMwDcUc0RqPGYTgEwRHST5bAXy0eIumxu8oa/s400/Studying+sprawled+out.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I always start out strong. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1jYv0lHOXjGnG1IE07dUTqzomo9SfgH9AQ42JSOJhXf7p3HU9ca9AIbNekM3Q8jw0YNCl6Q1aaqbZ_HdUxj-lL267AtLcJG-4UhyphenhyphenTzSSNz1TM8sZRVR1wM-lf678fOykjZ99hu0p8WBVe/s1600/Proper+thinking.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1jYv0lHOXjGnG1IE07dUTqzomo9SfgH9AQ42JSOJhXf7p3HU9ca9AIbNekM3Q8jw0YNCl6Q1aaqbZ_HdUxj-lL267AtLcJG-4UhyphenhyphenTzSSNz1TM8sZRVR1wM-lf678fOykjZ99hu0p8WBVe/s400/Proper+thinking.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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This assertive initial plunge lasts for nearly an hour; all synapses are firing, memory bank is open and functional and all information seems intriguing. It's during this fervent beginning I wonder why I didn't just pay attention in class and retain it since the material seems oh so comprehensible. </div>
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Then, all the sudden, it stops. I hit a concept that just won't click or linger on a problem slightly too long and the productivity comes to a screeching halt. </div>
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...and then I start to wander.</div>
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At first, my wanderings are short lived and I'm able to refocus quickly. </div>
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But I decide I need a reward for my ardent efforts. </div>
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Which means I get a snack break. </div>
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I return to studying but the zeal is lost. I am not longer excited about chemical equations and organic mechanisms. </div>
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I start to get sleepy... </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmOl07WdWyvSGs3joeqhfDT-5h2g0CH5lwUtT5xDpW2p8jOVLFTTqt_NMg0XvGE3QPIDm7HXJEqV8eO8STJ2cZdGFRGBvItaQx1ZrMRerRA89w2dSd0yhJeVP29Q-DsUiyBsV-_apmpsBE/s1600/Start+to+get+sleepy.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmOl07WdWyvSGs3joeqhfDT-5h2g0CH5lwUtT5xDpW2p8jOVLFTTqt_NMg0XvGE3QPIDm7HXJEqV8eO8STJ2cZdGFRGBvItaQx1ZrMRerRA89w2dSd0yhJeVP29Q-DsUiyBsV-_apmpsBE/s400/Start+to+get+sleepy.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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And succumb to the somnolent sensations. </div>
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Ironically, If I had studied effectively for physiology I could tell you exactly how melatonin influxes cause those drowsy impressions, but I'm not very good at studying... so I can't. </div>
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As I'm drifting off I'll negotiate a 15 minute nap with myself before returning to academia. </div>
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I always end up sleeping much longer than planned. </div>
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When I wake up 2-3 hours later, usually with keyboard marks on my face from sleeping on my computer, I panic. </div>
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The panic spurs new determination and a short lived kick for my study drive. </div>
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But the panic subsides and my resolve goes with it. </div>
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I take a snack/caffeine break....</div>
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And a bathroom break....</div>
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Then weakly attempt to get regain my study ambition. </div>
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Which usually fails, leading to yet another snack break. </div>
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At this point I am nearly 5 hours into my study cram session, the test is a mere 12 hours away and I have managed to waste 4 of the last 6 hours. This begs the question, what did I do with that time? Which spurs the inevitable existential life crisis. </div>
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I re-realize that I hate chemistry and biology and physics and school. </div>
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I start to question myself. </div>
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My brain, fried from the full 2 hours of real studying I did, turns on me. </div>
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My entire college career now seems useless and futile. </div>
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My sad conclusion induces a full scale depressive spiral. As always, ice cream is involved. </div>
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An ice cream induced hang over follows, which consists of me regretting eating 2 pints of rocky road all by myself, contemplating buying another carton and eating the top layer so my husband doesn't find out I ate 2 pints of rocky road all by myself and staring at the ceiling planning an escape to South America to find "meaning" in my life. </div>
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My depressive state persists until someone, usually mom or husband, find me in my pathetic state and convinces me I am doing something useful with my existence. </div>
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This typically occurs at around T minus 9 Hours. </div>
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An hour of re-coup and restoration work on my faith in higher education lands me back in the study seat, once again reluctant to actually study. By now I have wasted half of my allotted cram time table and have little to show for it. </div>
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The remaining 8 hours prior to test time are filled with flustered bouts of studying, fueled by caffeine from nearly an entire 12 pack of diet coke, and random snoozing sessions. My memory usually retains the information just long enough to regurgitate it on the exam just before my body collapses from mental and emotional exertion affixed to 24 hours sleep deprivation and a massive caffeine overdose. </div>
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Finals week destroys me. </div>
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The moral of the story is, if you too are still navigating your way through college, learn from my tragic tale. Do not wait until 18 hours before a test to learn everything meant to be absorbed throughout the 12 week semester. Do not succumb to tricky mind games your subconscious plays to get out of studying; do not stop for snack breaks every 10 minutes and consider studying in a public place so any and all meltdowns are mitigated by the fear of being that hysterical student on finals week.</div>
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The End. </div>
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</div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-76908194837247165062012-04-19T15:40:00.004-06:002012-04-19T15:42:22.246-06:00The Sand-Man Is A Big Jerk<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I am 99% positive I have insomnia. </div>
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I haven't always had it, in fact I've been a champion sleeper for the better part of my life. It seems after entering "adult-hood" the sandman stopped frequenting my bed and sleeplessness has been progressively taking over my nights. </div>
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My mother thinks it's the added stress of being grown up and having real life responsibilities, my little sister blames my lack of fort building to tucker me out. </div>
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Personally, I blame the sandman</div>
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He's a big jerk. </div>
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Whatever the cause, I have not been sleeping. </div>
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Months of increasingly restless nights have finally culminated in a my transformation into a full fledged insomniac. </div>
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Each episode begins the same way - with an inability to get comfortable.</div>
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I'll Toss</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEvzZrSWff8XVJ-oglqcxohOfq6ZdsfhJtVa7Lf3etChQCOrDatHkhZpyAWV5QPnw84ceGOOe8e6FQG0cCIxdk_l4TPlopC7D8361XdpL706HCBzvSMkuFejPRCYq9c6PqM5cz8QDFdkYx/s1600/insomnia+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEvzZrSWff8XVJ-oglqcxohOfq6ZdsfhJtVa7Lf3etChQCOrDatHkhZpyAWV5QPnw84ceGOOe8e6FQG0cCIxdk_l4TPlopC7D8361XdpL706HCBzvSMkuFejPRCYq9c6PqM5cz8QDFdkYx/s400/insomnia+2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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And turn</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX7iWS8KbJ-_0Un_NdWxJ0BFWoy6YCS_7eMfepnhAU1UJ7QyTMvngyVi5ui4Zvtg3sxSNaRL8AOiggSq41HLTfeS-tXDnE5u4X6VIJkJ6CeZr0WYxa-dsxYktGrmgO-Ik0XhV-Qdd6Y3Jp/s1600/husband+went+back+to+sleep.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX7iWS8KbJ-_0Un_NdWxJ0BFWoy6YCS_7eMfepnhAU1UJ7QyTMvngyVi5ui4Zvtg3sxSNaRL8AOiggSq41HLTfeS-tXDnE5u4X6VIJkJ6CeZr0WYxa-dsxYktGrmgO-Ik0XhV-Qdd6Y3Jp/s400/husband+went+back+to+sleep.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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And keep tossing and turning. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgspFJ_huFULSah1XyzVfgAQih7t3oGOODtenS6cCMqNHMuaNZ91b3NScQPho5I9RqGlxYEAnmHCqe2eKyBp-lQcDJADfT6nOF94InIjvN1Q04FQbYLwoTXiUDriBJ19hE4bt4dYtcSqGGp/s1600/insomnia+3.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgspFJ_huFULSah1XyzVfgAQih7t3oGOODtenS6cCMqNHMuaNZ91b3NScQPho5I9RqGlxYEAnmHCqe2eKyBp-lQcDJADfT6nOF94InIjvN1Q04FQbYLwoTXiUDriBJ19hE4bt4dYtcSqGGp/s400/insomnia+3.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I doubt there is a position on my bed that I haven't tried. And no I'm not talking about the fun kind of positions, I am talking about the sleeping kind of positions. </div>
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None of them work. </div>
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It's nights like these my husband appreciates the king size bed we purchased as he's comfortably snoozing next to me. </div>
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Sometimes Insomnia makes me dislike my husband.</div>
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Since I am generally opposed to being medicated, and changing positions only seems to worsen my new condition, I have developed a variety of coping methods.</div>
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First, I have the psychological approach.</div>
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This technique is characterized by an extensive use of willpower and self mastery. </div>
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I simply command myself to sleep, relying on my own resolve to obey. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHbdxHTh9j8Plfex50XYVOCIAdaUAvlKoxRpUKJqLCmOFKwm1M1rzuDb80IgL4DWv_0PEwQsNJdF4cCqtONi41I3DdotsYqmbeyI-_9RZlca4DwXWgBp0k-tx5_WkWpb8aQoUWsiVXWCMu/s1600/okay+go+to+sleep+right+NOW.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHbdxHTh9j8Plfex50XYVOCIAdaUAvlKoxRpUKJqLCmOFKwm1M1rzuDb80IgL4DWv_0PEwQsNJdF4cCqtONi41I3DdotsYqmbeyI-_9RZlca4DwXWgBp0k-tx5_WkWpb8aQoUWsiVXWCMu/s400/okay+go+to+sleep+right+NOW.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5Mc5p_WXGtavxJ7Nqf7zp2FnwBFEmx7iW4Pw_ne07r7s2simXKklYOlrY8M8n8uDkpy6U6ExTqbxIFOmOVpE2KSN3o0LWsk-SsHaPZv5SM1ZyuKldxMifamUVPLDbAemmO2iE5vAHyUtE/s1600/okay+go+to+sleep+right+NOW+waiting.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5Mc5p_WXGtavxJ7Nqf7zp2FnwBFEmx7iW4Pw_ne07r7s2simXKklYOlrY8M8n8uDkpy6U6ExTqbxIFOmOVpE2KSN3o0LWsk-SsHaPZv5SM1ZyuKldxMifamUVPLDbAemmO2iE5vAHyUtE/s400/okay+go+to+sleep+right+NOW+waiting.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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Then I check up on my progress. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizP33S0kAVNAX5h-fkZS81ovWoODyFOKERDq221F88tFHU3p4LeFFw3PPnY7nZgC0kCDbR8bD0eLmKYtCAVSDydnQ4EGp6foM44vN3QydCTP82Jm0sqj7098olZcCLrJpdb3SiE6LC_SO1/s1600/Am+I+asleep+yet%3f.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizP33S0kAVNAX5h-fkZS81ovWoODyFOKERDq221F88tFHU3p4LeFFw3PPnY7nZgC0kCDbR8bD0eLmKYtCAVSDydnQ4EGp6foM44vN3QydCTP82Jm0sqj7098olZcCLrJpdb3SiE6LC_SO1/s400/Am+I+asleep+yet%3f.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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My tenaciousness is sadly insufficient. I am rarely able to order myself to slumber. </div>
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In fact, it's never worked. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu62xrsyIWSs3WscRUO4M36Rtqo1L4bFK5kz8bYYND8Ouqa4c_J47lC_M3KdghFSx8bqUdTDzMe1ffan4S7B6QAC6BWOJ14oQ9b4BTEk1GD3XuqiGKM9sTIU3w1OT8T3kNc1TPmR2ajt3M/s1600/Am+I+asleep+yet%3f+No.+Poop.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu62xrsyIWSs3WscRUO4M36Rtqo1L4bFK5kz8bYYND8Ouqa4c_J47lC_M3KdghFSx8bqUdTDzMe1ffan4S7B6QAC6BWOJ14oQ9b4BTEk1GD3XuqiGKM9sTIU3w1OT8T3kNc1TPmR2ajt3M/s400/Am+I+asleep+yet%3f+No.+Poop.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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After failing to conquer my psyche I turn to altering my body temperature. </div>
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Cool first </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqx0mNDYcKaQtvzrdGofdBCHVycxTn6D66TncBx1vCq9tCdzme8egRxmeZgCYgNyM9_4wGDFxvbDeOdJxvNsboh6GAo6vk7v5o_MWMAk4-UqfY1bj1VnXDePzotf5rbz2XAD9g_ILzRP-U/s1600/insomnia+naked!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqx0mNDYcKaQtvzrdGofdBCHVycxTn6D66TncBx1vCq9tCdzme8egRxmeZgCYgNyM9_4wGDFxvbDeOdJxvNsboh6GAo6vk7v5o_MWMAk4-UqfY1bj1VnXDePzotf5rbz2XAD9g_ILzRP-U/s400/insomnia+naked!.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Warm second</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNvQr6nnaoO29qLR3eCc2pKc8ZZWl37SumSJ4IpaaK5wCo8mv4Pcw5-vqdh0k4pDaR93DbAlvcpr8qTUL-Dk1JUwvX4mmrnLEKVS_hjcqLd0aldIPvlXvlXjSusBfnwnLu8aZgFC3OAAyd/s1600/insomnia+warm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNvQr6nnaoO29qLR3eCc2pKc8ZZWl37SumSJ4IpaaK5wCo8mv4Pcw5-vqdh0k4pDaR93DbAlvcpr8qTUL-Dk1JUwvX4mmrnLEKVS_hjcqLd0aldIPvlXvlXjSusBfnwnLu8aZgFC3OAAyd/s400/insomnia+warm.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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If anything, this venture is counterproductive providing a rush rather than a sleepy calm but it's already been inducted into the routine and thus cannot be removed. </div>
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When adjusting my inner thermostat fails to lull me to sleep I employ workout tactics to tire out my body. </div>
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That's right, while most of you are snoozing I am sculpting my body into a tantalizing collage of tone and womanly curves.</div>
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Regrettably, these late night attempts at definition/sleep are often my only sculpting endeavors, which explains the inner-tube shaped layer of extra whitney around my mid-section. </div>
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The routine goes like this -</div>
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50 Bed-Sit-Ups</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEa3qShy0CXnN9Baafedw22Tds8zYRbEp9qXZOjFm566rcS3_AohGMXl6w8vKYDHO7WZiAu8mq5GQ7sslCs_IAdr0kO8tzgt8jZ4JlDvVzN6hEQBUyFU8RkZ2ZHQINvUWKdgXKTlDNayNL/s1600/Insomnia+situps+.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEa3qShy0CXnN9Baafedw22Tds8zYRbEp9qXZOjFm566rcS3_AohGMXl6w8vKYDHO7WZiAu8mq5GQ7sslCs_IAdr0kO8tzgt8jZ4JlDvVzN6hEQBUyFU8RkZ2ZHQINvUWKdgXKTlDNayNL/s400/Insomnia+situps+.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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50 Bed-Leg-Lifts</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYbUUVs79l6qrz_wPf6kkVDq7dYM3m4i5lZ4Z1svW3pIb4l9ik4M7AmJEVsuNoTQLK1_qTeaGGvDISk9-O0fNIzTdTri1oeTE5RGkTl3-fupFmVBS6IDbagZrjmQbyK22d5qggklMUMcip/s1600/Insomnia+leg+lifts.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYbUUVs79l6qrz_wPf6kkVDq7dYM3m4i5lZ4Z1svW3pIb4l9ik4M7AmJEVsuNoTQLK1_qTeaGGvDISk9-O0fNIzTdTri1oeTE5RGkTl3-fupFmVBS6IDbagZrjmQbyK22d5qggklMUMcip/s400/Insomnia+leg+lifts.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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And a 60 second Bed-Back-Bend. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7GbVIPpjvQRij7aOb8TSYTZHk4tRPdv0NTWj3SxtirAZ9-Jyyh3Lrnsv71H2_q-YyJaP_NQ4OrdnbQoABOeZ6xfNqg6fiSNHg6vOMH0TURKJZbVRGFVSckpDRHtdE2qgYuzlXumewxs78/s1600/Insomnia+backbends.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7GbVIPpjvQRij7aOb8TSYTZHk4tRPdv0NTWj3SxtirAZ9-Jyyh3Lrnsv71H2_q-YyJaP_NQ4OrdnbQoABOeZ6xfNqg6fiSNHg6vOMH0TURKJZbVRGFVSckpDRHtdE2qgYuzlXumewxs78/s400/Insomnia+backbends.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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The success rate of exercise induced sleep is variable. In some cases I will succeed in tricking my body into being lazy and finally drift off to sleep. </div>
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In more cases I only further agitate my insomnia and stay awake longer. </div>
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I then enter a state of sleepy misery. </div>
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My eyes start to ache from being open so long, my thoughts won't sit still and I am extra irritated at my subconscious's inability to become unconscious. </div>
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I concede to wakefulness and just stare at the ceiling. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0vRrKDOjTPuqFzGUAIYIlvMq1NkNLCL7n-fNsTuXM60t4JlKliJqJLFmpGFY3ImfC2U_Z112Z0w0y5dnORAon7O12SUOSsA8z2k5oEeUom2dHUYhfbTxbduBUwN-AE0DDVmcevoKTAGGk/s1600/insomnia+wins.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0vRrKDOjTPuqFzGUAIYIlvMq1NkNLCL7n-fNsTuXM60t4JlKliJqJLFmpGFY3ImfC2U_Z112Z0w0y5dnORAon7O12SUOSsA8z2k5oEeUom2dHUYhfbTxbduBUwN-AE0DDVmcevoKTAGGk/s400/insomnia+wins.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsZ6wxdnL58GCpMrPNB_B395E5p3hCdlGzEPnJT25unO04eoKYePgcGbIf0K2wyMQcuVH6qj73odtw5OODWjR7StZY8odD4gBDiJReNnsaWwyRYbeA0h3FbU6cnrTmYC5C6FWsL1SdPuWV/s1600/insomnia+up+close.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsZ6wxdnL58GCpMrPNB_B395E5p3hCdlGzEPnJT25unO04eoKYePgcGbIf0K2wyMQcuVH6qj73odtw5OODWjR7StZY8odD4gBDiJReNnsaWwyRYbeA0h3FbU6cnrTmYC5C6FWsL1SdPuWV/s400/insomnia+up+close.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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This terrible state continues for almost 10 minutes. </div>
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But then I get bored, and misery loves company. </div>
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So I do this. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8NDITB_T-rZfQsQKne9WHBOXPnfl8GZI6PlP5n5HdlflPw1kuF7S_jbP4wouLnZXucmxoGrGfhbj6PrUo0vBogjmLEcnGh5Jg-fBr53585i0mWCqbBfhjxDQWT51u4SUFODO2a_oO1zJL/s1600/going+to+wake+husband+up.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8NDITB_T-rZfQsQKne9WHBOXPnfl8GZI6PlP5n5HdlflPw1kuF7S_jbP4wouLnZXucmxoGrGfhbj6PrUo0vBogjmLEcnGh5Jg-fBr53585i0mWCqbBfhjxDQWT51u4SUFODO2a_oO1zJL/s400/going+to+wake+husband+up.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I'm very sneaky. </div>
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But not very persuasive. </div>
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As you can see, I have not yet vanquished my insomnia, nor have I found appropriate, or considerate, ways to cope with it. </div>
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If you have to be around me in the near future, please be extra nice. I tend to get grumpy, snappish and truthfully sarcastic without adequate sleep. </div>
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If you have any solutions, please share. </div>
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If you too have Insomnia, call me and we'll play Jenga. </div>
<br /></div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-13331549638834604612012-04-08T23:06:00.001-06:002012-04-08T23:14:03.440-06:00Conoco Can't Service Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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As previously featured on raspy wit (see the post entitled "the mobility quest" or click <a href="http://raspywit.blogspot.com/2010/11/mobility-quest.html" target="_blank">Here</a> to be automatically redirected) getting my drivers license was a hard earned achievement for me. Not only did I have to take the drivers test 3 times but I was 16 for a full month before my parents, and the state, finally trusted me with a motor vehicle.<br />
But I got my license.<br />
The first thing I did after securing that glorious piece of paper was drive to my best friend Elise's house. There I honked, waved and shouted for her to join me in "Roger".<br />
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Sidenote: Roger is the name of my first car - he is a 1981 Volkswagon Rabbit with cracked white vinyl seats, a shiny red paint job, that mothy "vintage" scent and a leaky convertible top that takes 30 minutes to change and gets stuck in the rain.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkBF8kQO8abZxR1dnx3wY9ElmXH-7vPajzKkfVNqSXBNCXMD_CCfvzoL5sSKnri-wgqLg06hSYhw06j1-o3a_RjzCOwMOc1xv3MTMR3LWXzKu9f_2gPGy0FlK67zwAUZWvPhld3AL1RcPR/s1600/Honk+Honk!.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkBF8kQO8abZxR1dnx3wY9ElmXH-7vPajzKkfVNqSXBNCXMD_CCfvzoL5sSKnri-wgqLg06hSYhw06j1-o3a_RjzCOwMOc1xv3MTMR3LWXzKu9f_2gPGy0FlK67zwAUZWvPhld3AL1RcPR/s320/Honk+Honk!.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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Elise joined me in Roger and since she didn't have her license yet and we essentially had no other friends we relished in our first taste of unsupervised vehicular freedom. </div>
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Problem was we had nowhere to go and nobody else to share our freedom with so we ended up driving around for most of the afternoon visiting various grocery stores and flashing our keys at each and every pedestrian. </div>
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Oh, and of course, there was ice-cream. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnVaszftrlyBvH1bXMcBNBfBc2LYxoSYcnrRhtADAkORCCiq9t8hGVPSa7J0jpWHL7uYh27HLFlsKmWx0UIhcg40tjYHJubQrwsCyA9RLVbPNrp5bh0LPWXj_gjzRuAzNGmZskLMdC2Sao/s1600/Ice+Cream+Car.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnVaszftrlyBvH1bXMcBNBfBc2LYxoSYcnrRhtADAkORCCiq9t8hGVPSa7J0jpWHL7uYh27HLFlsKmWx0UIhcg40tjYHJubQrwsCyA9RLVbPNrp5bh0LPWXj_gjzRuAzNGmZskLMdC2Sao/s320/Ice+Cream+Car.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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After driving around enough to deplete 1/2 a tank of gas we realized the little glowing light on the side of the dash meant we would most likely run out of fuel. </div>
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Excellent, we would fill up the gas tank like real adult drivers do - one more adventure to check off our driving check list. </div>
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As novice drivers we had no idea that gas prices vary depending on the grade of station you choose. We chose the closest one to our current location, a conoco. As most of you know - conoco is not a cheap station.<br />
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I now use only flying J, Maverick or Sams Club for 1-2 cent cheaper gas.<br />
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Am I getting questionable gas grades? Yes.<br />
Is my gas possibly cut with water, food coloring or other non-fuel products? Yes.<br />
Am I saving almost a full dollar per fill-up? Oh yeah.<br />
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Anyway - filling up at Conoco went something like this.<br />
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On the first pass we drove up to the wrong side of the terminal.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv0OEPi1xxv7sr0Nu8uEnwLkhA-Ga8MJun4o9OZwIbFoFQXNKvRu2JCSdzBl3xLEXG2jAXCZT71TEo_dK9GSO_IKIJ_81ZBHOe0Z_HJksZ_cyP3CSjz3Wtu-IGveHgLSXBJLmbUDHocMvv/s1600/Wrong+side+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv0OEPi1xxv7sr0Nu8uEnwLkhA-Ga8MJun4o9OZwIbFoFQXNKvRu2JCSdzBl3xLEXG2jAXCZT71TEo_dK9GSO_IKIJ_81ZBHOe0Z_HJksZ_cyP3CSjz3Wtu-IGveHgLSXBJLmbUDHocMvv/s320/Wrong+side+1.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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Honest Mistake. Quick Fix.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW4-xgE5uxiblgl1XWI7WzqzaUkjroU43nqM9je2ylV2ex-3rZEueydg5HiXpxsikbiIOHPxXzPG9JVFkC1-WKN7AHXwK13_Q4oz4jVEMSnH8uP0YlkA5dHy_4JA2CfjzvfVi2AloKLo_U/s1600/Wrong+side+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW4-xgE5uxiblgl1XWI7WzqzaUkjroU43nqM9je2ylV2ex-3rZEueydg5HiXpxsikbiIOHPxXzPG9JVFkC1-WKN7AHXwK13_Q4oz4jVEMSnH8uP0YlkA5dHy_4JA2CfjzvfVi2AloKLo_U/s320/Wrong+side+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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So we drove around. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEzx4hXnbG5-JUQ2FbINKrdtKnxDiurBhyphenhyphenJNWRc72v6FoI31d0h1upDlVJbkwzFkTK0VCka9Z3e235GTegpB56ZZoUp0pLUSAIDeHyoEEoGYWrIn5r21t70RjGjDO5HOleUf8Mxv8GrTI3/s1600/Wrong+Side+3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEzx4hXnbG5-JUQ2FbINKrdtKnxDiurBhyphenhyphenJNWRc72v6FoI31d0h1upDlVJbkwzFkTK0VCka9Z3e235GTegpB56ZZoUp0pLUSAIDeHyoEEoGYWrIn5r21t70RjGjDO5HOleUf8Mxv8GrTI3/s320/Wrong+Side+3.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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.... But were still on the wrong side. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9z5ARgp3tP55tm_p6wpwqnD8jfXK5nWHEGMuRwbZ-xfC4dqMtTNKWGA3NUHoG0UK4Us_wDpiFxaKdnW0b5EUQ6ufBZAGk2SFy60l8oyTREHypOC6oEwkLTA_8A_VlBlpWo8mPJlYLSGCs/s1600/Wrong+side+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9z5ARgp3tP55tm_p6wpwqnD8jfXK5nWHEGMuRwbZ-xfC4dqMtTNKWGA3NUHoG0UK4Us_wDpiFxaKdnW0b5EUQ6ufBZAGk2SFy60l8oyTREHypOC6oEwkLTA_8A_VlBlpWo8mPJlYLSGCs/s320/Wrong+side+5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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So we drove around again</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir5DyBPDB9q0tIeDiVg_cybNqkccIcUSGk6FJqYV7TSAaiv6iXdFWRxDzMlgpYhAGYDzlmQv_7GvklX9yjU-UqCH6Dan_fHnCUpGGhJ06Q56agJrsWGuyQpHSt1SVQ-XJ-5uDXc6p6Ci9g/s1600/Wrong+Side+6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir5DyBPDB9q0tIeDiVg_cybNqkccIcUSGk6FJqYV7TSAaiv6iXdFWRxDzMlgpYhAGYDzlmQv_7GvklX9yjU-UqCH6Dan_fHnCUpGGhJ06Q56agJrsWGuyQpHSt1SVQ-XJ-5uDXc6p6Ci9g/s320/Wrong+Side+6.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzI95kQ_i83X-GQNS2q9ZObDv92Avjyh0fgryUP8zPIxi4pMIN5_JHqbirc8gUH4ter2uQNxXiIZCdIOy0CmDSIXElrFafFtMABsRvcPnXue2JZtkCbYde7j2bfz6bEy8lTR07BFGWh7T4/s1600/Wrong+side+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzI95kQ_i83X-GQNS2q9ZObDv92Avjyh0fgryUP8zPIxi4pMIN5_JHqbirc8gUH4ter2uQNxXiIZCdIOy0CmDSIXElrFafFtMABsRvcPnXue2JZtkCbYde7j2bfz6bEy8lTR07BFGWh7T4/s320/Wrong+side+4.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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And Again</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRpNselecDyZKEnuU5Yos5zn8RQyjE9VOIrEdhJLD5_B1_OpmCHC1saP_tg5nz_-_roC739neuAbvurvnHPc0u8SEuldNxEqzgNzfrtIRtIRdwNzR_DfVOkmOvNz0ZdalKl4ayaYAFf1ZE/s1600/Wrong+Side+7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRpNselecDyZKEnuU5Yos5zn8RQyjE9VOIrEdhJLD5_B1_OpmCHC1saP_tg5nz_-_roC739neuAbvurvnHPc0u8SEuldNxEqzgNzfrtIRtIRdwNzR_DfVOkmOvNz0ZdalKl4ayaYAFf1ZE/s320/Wrong+Side+7.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4HSO59T05-YVotKreojrUahSlEaPy_eKlPvqDo7vi16C3PDonNn2Tal8jN14urkGk195W46j9RcVmbb1F84qoNEafsVLITjCp7cgt92nyyMfC_vc91hor2Lt2XJWNzvU7EQfGf-X7QRPq/s1600/Wrong+side+8.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4HSO59T05-YVotKreojrUahSlEaPy_eKlPvqDo7vi16C3PDonNn2Tal8jN14urkGk195W46j9RcVmbb1F84qoNEafsVLITjCp7cgt92nyyMfC_vc91hor2Lt2XJWNzvU7EQfGf-X7QRPq/s320/Wrong+side+8.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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After failing to master the art of gas tank siding we decided the hoses were long enough they must be made to reach OVER cars since our car was obviously incompatible with right sided pumps. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNlHHLVgjiy4b-QBfBUOvtzDqLg-gD6VBcSGRuUuoEH3SpdA-C6jpqtDiAoP5c9hUxHPH-Tmf2XoQRaO327H3zkrYAxlSaTBrjuKDxK1EZbyz4BFG_F3nNR_tfTMZmz1xUO9FuX5cnu2nq/s1600/Wrong+Side+9.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNlHHLVgjiy4b-QBfBUOvtzDqLg-gD6VBcSGRuUuoEH3SpdA-C6jpqtDiAoP5c9hUxHPH-Tmf2XoQRaO327H3zkrYAxlSaTBrjuKDxK1EZbyz4BFG_F3nNR_tfTMZmz1xUO9FuX5cnu2nq/s320/Wrong+Side+9.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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Nope. </div>
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This meant only one thing, conoco could not service us. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMDCHoqBHrMCjEC8liZmZOY65trd9C_BYLqs2Qcrz7V3hwWwk6MjpOPoqBubd82zXY2GtAZX8uncBvP2bSf339BPWsd_SipyWg73h1dbGqlNnpcXUGBFkWS0uuNb0EWHQtQerbe9Ez9siu/s1600/Gas+station+10.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMDCHoqBHrMCjEC8liZmZOY65trd9C_BYLqs2Qcrz7V3hwWwk6MjpOPoqBubd82zXY2GtAZX8uncBvP2bSf339BPWsd_SipyWg73h1dbGqlNnpcXUGBFkWS0uuNb0EWHQtQerbe9Ez9siu/s320/Gas+station+10.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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We thought we had learned a new lesson, that gas stations were brand specific.</div>
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VolksWagon is a german company after all, and Conoco didn't sound german at all.</div>
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We considered finding a 7-11 or a maverick but decided the blinking red gas light may not allow us to make it all the way. The last thing we wanted was to run out of gas in the middle of main street, in a stick shift roger with a license for one day. </div>
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This required much thought. </div>
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The thought payed off and we had a brilliant idea. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhycT0oSxra9s4EPNF-DJZoq8JHPWNJ5EXiT71dWZcovpsOadtttqbxuLffy1A1p6kONrwWTu5A-DUB0E0y02ZB0KuadaaHJb2NxBteW23OhZosqOoKfM5AQCimiktafl7KEGsIKGBDERkf/s1600/Wrong+Side+11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhycT0oSxra9s4EPNF-DJZoq8JHPWNJ5EXiT71dWZcovpsOadtttqbxuLffy1A1p6kONrwWTu5A-DUB0E0y02ZB0KuadaaHJb2NxBteW23OhZosqOoKfM5AQCimiktafl7KEGsIKGBDERkf/s320/Wrong+Side+11.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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This was our brilliant idea: </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizbjg5HpUqPaGZFgAxu1JzRpWS04-hnSLsf4_A7XmQDykERZB1hyphenhyphen-Os-PTrjf9I8Tlu5MP4V6exc-pu_PZLS9Biu3pRhmLshDFtv8e5kKTyd8AeA0IYmi09oP9xYZDmklEMJLcMiiSQsvg/s1600/Wrong+Side+12.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizbjg5HpUqPaGZFgAxu1JzRpWS04-hnSLsf4_A7XmQDykERZB1hyphenhyphen-Os-PTrjf9I8Tlu5MP4V6exc-pu_PZLS9Biu3pRhmLshDFtv8e5kKTyd8AeA0IYmi09oP9xYZDmklEMJLcMiiSQsvg/s320/Wrong+Side+12.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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It took us 20 minutes, mad reverse skills and the total of our combined allowances but we finally filled up Roger. </div>
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The End. </div>
</div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-9535925978878472362012-03-28T21:12:00.000-06:002012-06-25T17:23:53.916-06:00How To Bribe A Mexican Police Officer<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">As some of you, actually, all of you, know (since the chances of you reading this and not knowing me personally are slim to none) I recently got married. And yes, my brief experiment with "the pill" was a precursor to that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This post is not about the wedding, however, it's about the events that immediately followed the wedding. And no I am not planning on delving into the horrors of the honeymoon enlightenment phase. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This post is about Mexico.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We went to Puerto Vallarta on our honeymoon. My parents gave us a weeks stay in a 5 star hotel complete with four different restaurants, seven bars and an attached mini-mall. The resort afforded us no reason to ever leave a five mile radius from our suite.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We left anyway.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The first day we took a taxi to explore. It cost mucho dinero for not so mucho time and we swore off taxis.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The second morning we decided to walk. It went like this.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvLcsgJS-1gnJhT1ueFRsUXeVYM-DemkZN3C1V0G4TvwkEpWOAun0nYRQf_i3wkLchxubuclTwLaoXOtDGXg9c8m5AF3rQ68dPgsRaWFIa94qNeHGdYWTxDuWtL1wRfHRuTlNRKaRjhdrn/s1600/We+Shall+Walk+To+Mexico!.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvLcsgJS-1gnJhT1ueFRsUXeVYM-DemkZN3C1V0G4TvwkEpWOAun0nYRQf_i3wkLchxubuclTwLaoXOtDGXg9c8m5AF3rQ68dPgsRaWFIa94qNeHGdYWTxDuWtL1wRfHRuTlNRKaRjhdrn/s400/We+Shall+Walk+To+Mexico!.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Twenty Minutes Later</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi01ra7K60ybk38ObHNWxSFmZ9goNTf9dk7tj2td7dwG3F44fGtNhRO2RI0FgriklWkMeqHEIt8NWrf2zXj0G_qOaA9t8esoE15vBz4sb3nTx14diYwZQ91HgPiIrx_rIk7GmCuz1WoS-Bh/s1600/We've+been+walking+forever!.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi01ra7K60ybk38ObHNWxSFmZ9goNTf9dk7tj2td7dwG3F44fGtNhRO2RI0FgriklWkMeqHEIt8NWrf2zXj0G_qOaA9t8esoE15vBz4sb3nTx14diYwZQ91HgPiIrx_rIk7GmCuz1WoS-Bh/s400/We've+been+walking+forever!.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Another Ten Minutes</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg40tk9Lrzjfyv7DAltNUVaYUDAFRxk5nMcAmpLkqjcOLHXyECTHF7eDj9i6nUJ3TcQhnqjVi_2uKQet3jtBOKfnnCH8HF0xgKAT7PnDX62wbJlq9nXhuFEi91W3Vc2OgCbOWSPuhyyjy-/s1600/I'M+GOING+TO+DIE!.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg40tk9Lrzjfyv7DAltNUVaYUDAFRxk5nMcAmpLkqjcOLHXyECTHF7eDj9i6nUJ3TcQhnqjVi_2uKQet3jtBOKfnnCH8HF0xgKAT7PnDX62wbJlq9nXhuFEi91W3Vc2OgCbOWSPuhyyjy-/s400/I'M+GOING+TO+DIE!.png" width="400" /></span></a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5bzsnIpl-vG2Wic79FzqNoANT0waBnXty14yzJDiMidR-vW0eiNFOXuYdx0dP1e6THQGdSa5TCRv_icq965w2jmOVuLln5wAced0q-yGsdnrjXW8V6r1Z6N-uwtH6d3iAIEpvbB5pDdJC/s1600/No+more+walking.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5bzsnIpl-vG2Wic79FzqNoANT0waBnXty14yzJDiMidR-vW0eiNFOXuYdx0dP1e6THQGdSa5TCRv_icq965w2jmOVuLln5wAced0q-yGsdnrjXW8V6r1Z6N-uwtH6d3iAIEpvbB5pDdJC/s400/No+more+walking.png" width="400" /></span></a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg956BKHtaSqok0tf8reKL15WwDlPjhDGFljW03fJ7ZjNPeV2FeIpVDyYYxr35H1QSXJMeJ5jbrVXYUXMUGwieUBpYk6OC5Sj5cVbrD2nsd9QFDIcTCB1xQ81rztRNcXgH0pDnyXNFXHTCy/s1600/No+more+walking+-+No+more+Jaron.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg956BKHtaSqok0tf8reKL15WwDlPjhDGFljW03fJ7ZjNPeV2FeIpVDyYYxr35H1QSXJMeJ5jbrVXYUXMUGwieUBpYk6OC5Sj5cVbrD2nsd9QFDIcTCB1xQ81rztRNcXgH0pDnyXNFXHTCy/s400/No+more+walking+-+No+more+Jaron.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Walking didn't work. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Not only was it 103 degrees outside but the air was so humid I felt like I was swimming, and I'm pretty sure I looked like I'd been swimming due to overactive sweat glands. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Gross. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We thought about getting bicycles for transportation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> We then remembered the total lack of driving ability on the part of the Mexican population and the torrid Mexican climate and decided against death by heat stroke/collision with a rouge low rider. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We tried the bus system.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Please note that the buses are not labelled in Puerto Vallarta - it seems the bus system consists of picking a bus and hoping it goes where you live.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The buses we chose did not go where we lived. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">After ending up in the complete opposite place than we intended to go (not just once, but twice) we decided the buses were a terrible idea. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">With taxis, walking, buses and bicycles out of the picture we were left one choice - rent a car. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The compact economy choice got us a tin can for $8 a day plus gas, a pretty screamin deal when you consider the "gringo discount" cost us 99 cents a minute in a taxi. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Our little car provided a new found freedon; we drove to the next town over and explored the less travelled markets, we could venture into the city center at will and (here's the best part) we found delicious local taco stands in the barrios of Puerto Vallarta. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">By the way, the traffic flow in Mexico is about as senseless as the unlabeled bus system. Depending on the street you're on there are three different ways to turn left. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">1) Sometimes there are actual turning lanes on the paved roads, just like those found in the U.S. You put on your blinker, merge to the left most lane and yield to oncoming traffic until you have the chance to turn. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY6m4ZTfRQPrpPqrYZB128TRBzN7qZab9kmzMb0FN6WalcdyRGoiLZxJES7WMu_rVG22TKPDyw0G8e6NekhH6Y-eKUJzldFzrS7RJqlpNYWuMlGobVQs6uMkmZsmXlkwq4IadfKWJ6QGSn/s1600/Normal+Turning+light.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY6m4ZTfRQPrpPqrYZB128TRBzN7qZab9kmzMb0FN6WalcdyRGoiLZxJES7WMu_rVG22TKPDyw0G8e6NekhH6Y-eKUJzldFzrS7RJqlpNYWuMlGobVQs6uMkmZsmXlkwq4IadfKWJ6QGSn/s320/Normal+Turning+light.png" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Good system. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">2) Sometimes there is no turn lane, you just turn whenever possible. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil7TP-at6piway210UjA3wx02j_Gk_o59QEqDqdReDSg1poBYF3xYke9Mdj3crvFw0po50GAtXkiIDt0_o1MFc9fQVtRSJ6TRzqrRRbPvCQohLw7IXieTKY6ZsdXjI6K_jk7vhA4KqGESf/s1600/No+turning+lane.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil7TP-at6piway210UjA3wx02j_Gk_o59QEqDqdReDSg1poBYF3xYke9Mdj3crvFw0po50GAtXkiIDt0_o1MFc9fQVtRSJ6TRzqrRRbPvCQohLw7IXieTKY6ZsdXjI6K_jk7vhA4KqGESf/s320/No+turning+lane.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Less Good System. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">3) Sometimes there are completely unattached roads on the RIGHT side of the street. These frontage type roads are not marked, nor are they paved, nor can you get to them from the left lane. You have to turn onto these roads some 40 feet before you desire to turn left and follow a traffic light completely unattached to the rest of the road. Did I mention these roads are often riddled with deep trench like pot holes, hordes of uncollected garbage and random squatters?</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgjOBD7-8QutJEiFqBzLKSUe6D3bNq51AGt3O90EWCoCaMl2BJDL5y9zbiPAPMwwGCuTpukeEfNDx6vFFXlZysuj6cy-Vu4sWPjA0k_Ju3lipijupJB-rFA0xCOyNSoD4RMW_2fCifn6wW/s1600/Stupid+Left+Turn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgjOBD7-8QutJEiFqBzLKSUe6D3bNq51AGt3O90EWCoCaMl2BJDL5y9zbiPAPMwwGCuTpukeEfNDx6vFFXlZysuj6cy-Vu4sWPjA0k_Ju3lipijupJB-rFA0xCOyNSoD4RMW_2fCifn6wW/s320/Stupid+Left+Turn.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Horrible System. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Since we are not native Puerto Vallartans, we had no way of knowing which system to use on which roads and since it changed every four blocks we usually just took our chances and stuck with method #2 - turn when possible, try not to get hit. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Our fourth night in Puerto Vallarta was stormy. Given these unfavorable weather conditions it would have been smart of us to hole up in our hotel room, order room service and watch the lightning from the balcony. We are cheap though, and instead we decided against our better judgement and ventured out to find a street stand selling tacos.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Problem- taco stands are usually haphazardly set up on the side of the road with no lights, advertising or food handling permits, which also means they are impossible to find on a dark stormy night.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> We drove for almost twenty minutes to no avail and decided to turn around. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Turning around entailed turning left. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Unfortunate fact #1 - There was a Mexican cop behind us when we tried to turn left. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Unfortunate fact #2 - We used method #2. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Unfortunate fact #3 - We should have used method #3. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Unfortunate fact #4: Allstate doesn't cover the Munks driving a rental car in Mexico. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The lights came on and our stomachs churned. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We pulled over on a deserted side road with absolutely no lighting and only one way out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Poor choice.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPpHlmy7RqZhW-DZGe_cAR5WxCTUE3-nVMaz1FS3_plbYZubl8ur_7zVZOJKiqFOED5BGWhgKJwGZtrAGWiDE_z8L1jxNnepUfBFo7Mw6Tmr0tAuQrdebpTWPNPLSzjWcYcEu-qaLBZam0/s1600/Escort+template.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPpHlmy7RqZhW-DZGe_cAR5WxCTUE3-nVMaz1FS3_plbYZubl8ur_7zVZOJKiqFOED5BGWhgKJwGZtrAGWiDE_z8L1jxNnepUfBFo7Mw6Tmr0tAuQrdebpTWPNPLSzjWcYcEu-qaLBZam0/s400/Escort+template.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The police came up on the side of the car and started speaking spanish. My new husband does not speak spanish. I speak SOME spanish, SOME being the operative word.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I decided to take over. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The cops were surprisingly friendly, they chatted with us about our hotel, wanted to know what attractions we liked and didn't like, and were over joyed when they found out we were newlyweds. They even offered to escort us to their favorite taco stand after we squared away the traffic misunderstanding. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We thought we had this in the bag - we would get off with a warning and have an excellent story. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Only one of those statements was correct - we now have an awesome story but we did not receive a warning. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Upon returning, our new friends informed us they were forced to issue a ticket due to our "failure to respect the light" and our "illegal left turning".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> I tried to "fix things" subtly. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfrrfB52BECVOthtCueC_wY1-ou5y0yxsfVOz2bj8FrfFWKOwMiMS74CnYYbhZ4ILrAq4wj1AGLyxy6Nb62TnLpsZWbgpR-RoIHFSvnYncixpnMaTyTzLA3LQ2AgY61t5yDc7dwNFUP6qi/s1600/So+Sorry+Office...+Bribe%3f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfrrfB52BECVOthtCueC_wY1-ou5y0yxsfVOz2bj8FrfFWKOwMiMS74CnYYbhZ4ILrAq4wj1AGLyxy6Nb62TnLpsZWbgpR-RoIHFSvnYncixpnMaTyTzLA3LQ2AgY61t5yDc7dwNFUP6qi/s640/So+Sorry+Office...+Bribe%3f.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">They said we can "fix it" by paying the ticket at the court house two towns over. Oh, and they needed to confiscate either a drivers license or the car as collateral until we "fixed it". </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Big Problem.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We could not give the police our rental car. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We could REALLY not give them our licenses. Not only could we potentially have an identity "twin" in mexico ruining our credit scores but there is small possibility we'd never get on the plane without two forms of ID. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">In an effort to avoid owning a Police sequestered car south of the border and having our identities sold online we decided to risk bribing the authorities in a foreign country. Smart? Maybe not... but what choice did we have? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I kicked the bribery suggestion up a notch. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEf2sfoxCM36QUWsyW1m2vm091YQ3TpZ6OzmTOPcAiI3Jf606glpF58VOmFnjx-co2JeVyIdcUqolEM3nhCrICTSWHL2zdovm4D9j_2-rfNMR8QPLq1rX1ufUPdvtAR3_zxLQ7s4olVX2s/s1600/Less+Subtle+Police+Bribe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEf2sfoxCM36QUWsyW1m2vm091YQ3TpZ6OzmTOPcAiI3Jf606glpF58VOmFnjx-co2JeVyIdcUqolEM3nhCrICTSWHL2zdovm4D9j_2-rfNMR8QPLq1rX1ufUPdvtAR3_zxLQ7s4olVX2s/s640/Less+Subtle+Police+Bribe.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiji07d0_2hru0iVmf8zxgxbngY_kA_hpnsb_Kyii1Krv6cA0eouhUTOU1M8vMUxsrY2ruBVudBb1BLqveDPb-AdvbL_3eTjI5IGkrQtAgi3a0n4VU1Hby_DfYZfTy8eM7m7qoDIzDRWaW7/s1600/We+Aren't+supposed+to+do+that...+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiji07d0_2hru0iVmf8zxgxbngY_kA_hpnsb_Kyii1Krv6cA0eouhUTOU1M8vMUxsrY2ruBVudBb1BLqveDPb-AdvbL_3eTjI5IGkrQtAgi3a0n4VU1Hby_DfYZfTy8eM7m7qoDIzDRWaW7/s640/We+Aren't+supposed+to+do+that...+.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I caught the hesitation in their voices this time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Just in case my inferences were getting lost in translation we decided to go full blown obvious. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We blatantly bribed the police. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLk8PFu7Mw_SU5BD4oce3SLHPF28Vq85VzlsFndtlAhEiL_QqZso-9qF8n8ReBcrg3bdMYU8B9nA8qQqe_EzapK5S9N_q9pfKGj1aWIwiIrqeC_DLhcki7gossY5TgRTMhwin_eHwVFDzp/s1600/Strong+Bribe+for+Mexican+Police.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLk8PFu7Mw_SU5BD4oce3SLHPF28Vq85VzlsFndtlAhEiL_QqZso-9qF8n8ReBcrg3bdMYU8B9nA8qQqe_EzapK5S9N_q9pfKGj1aWIwiIrqeC_DLhcki7gossY5TgRTMhwin_eHwVFDzp/s640/Strong+Bribe+for+Mexican+Police.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">That worked. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">They agreed to "pay the fine for us" since we were on our honeymoon and they "go to the courthouse all the time." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">How sweet.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">They then got less sweet. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpfru1TvVoA7TC2qewfKjCabplEDL5qJeU0Jv3t98JmYDIT4aA5L2qIz73I-_XIHWFk4vEZHQEqki61cvNasxnUoP_bWReMxmGTyY_t0S4KnCtpILw3wk7seXxPIOJLEtwACfQW53uDXkJ/s1600/Not+Respecting+the+Light.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpfru1TvVoA7TC2qewfKjCabplEDL5qJeU0Jv3t98JmYDIT4aA5L2qIz73I-_XIHWFk4vEZHQEqki61cvNasxnUoP_bWReMxmGTyY_t0S4KnCtpILw3wk7seXxPIOJLEtwACfQW53uDXkJ/s640/Not+Respecting+the+Light.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXy2H4Q5U7PVssSFamMdvGjXNz-30jAUdNf5dXOhJqHUsSFBPitFI5b5I7CcJs2C4H2eGA6gY2aV3tY8u_KreQ235qc3nWVm06I0e6SkkeqURfy7wfSvrKLunfrPzCIyEq-u9Bog-KLkAB/s1600/Bad+Left+Turn+cost+380.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXy2H4Q5U7PVssSFamMdvGjXNz-30jAUdNf5dXOhJqHUsSFBPitFI5b5I7CcJs2C4H2eGA6gY2aV3tY8u_KreQ235qc3nWVm06I0e6SkkeqURfy7wfSvrKLunfrPzCIyEq-u9Bog-KLkAB/s640/Bad+Left+Turn+cost+380.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZALbw_66x8-qp_n-FbknM203brsQcvm30phz0uc9zo1bkoZIz-I_A27IdEWioj7FJiLIc0a0QnTzmJHn6oM_5tHGm0LcGs-VumzbNDT0Rr4rtmfbGhBqkvQ2qimo_l8nJpVUjxzUcYNUZ/s1600/Cops+Have+Bad+Math.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZALbw_66x8-qp_n-FbknM203brsQcvm30phz0uc9zo1bkoZIz-I_A27IdEWioj7FJiLIc0a0QnTzmJHn6oM_5tHGm0LcGs-VumzbNDT0Rr4rtmfbGhBqkvQ2qimo_l8nJpVUjxzUcYNUZ/s640/Cops+Have+Bad+Math.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">They were not very good with math. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfuQKSnSy1RvS9GabOIuMIlE5LznCaZBishEzLAT8T9lM4VNehS4Gcrn8dI_hmT3jC_k09S24sCdIuslfaqe76vMytNKcI5_CkpX2zAstqhk7XaO8TMHZ9J_rgwWCOcYagwaAsxs1J8Yx_/s1600/We+Only+Have+600+peso...+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfuQKSnSy1RvS9GabOIuMIlE5LznCaZBishEzLAT8T9lM4VNehS4Gcrn8dI_hmT3jC_k09S24sCdIuslfaqe76vMytNKcI5_CkpX2zAstqhk7XaO8TMHZ9J_rgwWCOcYagwaAsxs1J8Yx_/s400/We+Only+Have+600+peso...+.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitD_1MxwkxIi0td4lON7vXqiIH4yk1-9dKurwijUaD8Z_QxKwM5jNjU-qxD6hrBzXeVMCP4-T36RkUT7Rwt4lobF1kms_kU7TfAN2Qc6D4aEV-3KIezfCgbLdj6Xvd8WpWb8-SsMzRYoOw/s1600/Not+Enough+Money+Gringo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitD_1MxwkxIi0td4lON7vXqiIH4yk1-9dKurwijUaD8Z_QxKwM5jNjU-qxD6hrBzXeVMCP4-T36RkUT7Rwt4lobF1kms_kU7TfAN2Qc6D4aEV-3KIezfCgbLdj6Xvd8WpWb8-SsMzRYoOw/s640/Not+Enough+Money+Gringo.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Unfortunately they weren't THAT bad at math. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Since all we had in our wallet was 600 pesos and 10 american dollar bills the cops decided 600 Pesos and 6 American Dollars were payment enough. They let us keep four dollars to buy tacos.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We had to discretely hand it out the window in the dark so "the people don't see and think we are doing illegals" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">psh. We were so "doing illegals." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">As promised, the deal came with a police escort to their "favorite taco stand". </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH7NMhSOAbuKxGqLs_9Bfvs6_c02WJRylqfv_E6Bvm1N69ySP-gZG3i6AzJazw9e7xaBM5H-SXC-YN4rhJMwQ6ZRIzV6dapp7hOPPGqkQeYJ6nSjRslGjXbAyWTkmGXlAzmvtE-87eA5zu/s1600/Police+Escort+1+(screech!).png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH7NMhSOAbuKxGqLs_9Bfvs6_c02WJRylqfv_E6Bvm1N69ySP-gZG3i6AzJazw9e7xaBM5H-SXC-YN4rhJMwQ6ZRIzV6dapp7hOPPGqkQeYJ6nSjRslGjXbAyWTkmGXlAzmvtE-87eA5zu/s400/Police+Escort+1+(screech!).png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We broke several laws on the way there. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-7hpv_-0JibHZWr221EWDAN1UF5625k68agGHb63jE9nsiy_PPjJHlXuMTD2tzG6baF0nZ3j0SzeMAb_mPUeUO25E7aHLvNbX-M-JQJrNk_VAiTkjq1Iiu2B-blA9F_iSppbyS_jnyGsT/s1600/Police+Escort+2+(screech+again!).png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-7hpv_-0JibHZWr221EWDAN1UF5625k68agGHb63jE9nsiy_PPjJHlXuMTD2tzG6baF0nZ3j0SzeMAb_mPUeUO25E7aHLvNbX-M-JQJrNk_VAiTkjq1Iiu2B-blA9F_iSppbyS_jnyGsT/s400/Police+Escort+2+(screech+again!).png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Stopped traffic in two different directions, and almost cause three crashes. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin3hv1a3r-wbvenGctdo5V5T7gx2Zy0uE54biYw23QNHLd42FxlwUuLltvo08JxQjpVvfF_bmH0_B2gGYNPhu0WzmCzUcYqc6PhGlIre5C3HY1t8JDZIDup0VfW6vcEhu1HqWHkTKt5q80/s1600/Police+Escort+3+taco+stand+in+sight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin3hv1a3r-wbvenGctdo5V5T7gx2Zy0uE54biYw23QNHLd42FxlwUuLltvo08JxQjpVvfF_bmH0_B2gGYNPhu0WzmCzUcYqc6PhGlIre5C3HY1t8JDZIDup0VfW6vcEhu1HqWHkTKt5q80/s400/Police+Escort+3+taco+stand+in+sight.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">All while driving a total of 20 feet to the right. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The "taco stand" didn't even sell tacos. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">They sold empanadas only. Empanadas cost 25 pesos each. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">25 pesos is the equivalence of $2.50. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We only had $4.00</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">We drove back to the hotel with four dollars, zero tacos and one awesome story. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The End. </span></div>
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</div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-19947393925856332202012-03-21T19:58:00.004-06:002012-12-01T13:46:41.215-07:00Whitney's Gym Dress Code<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have recently taken an interest in bettering my physique. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This isn't necessarily a new phenomena, every four months or so I get a spurt of energy and decide to use extra caution in my calorie consumption, work out on a bi-daily basis and do sit ups while I watch T.V. These surges in physical activity usually last two to three weeks at most, as sad as that is to admit. After twenty days of vigorous healthy lifestyle choosings, I routinely return to my ice cream for dinner and a "brisk walk" between classes, which is one of the many reasons I will never look like Megan Fox. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">However, seeing as it is almost swimsuit season and I am no longer digesting hormone monster pills on a daily basis, I am the process of shedding the extra padding around my six pack. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I do this at the gym. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Whilst at the gym I came to the sad realization that the general public is severely misguided in the wardrobe department. I have decided that it is my responsibility to distribute some expectedly innate rules for gym attire. Although I would hope these observations could go without saying, it seems the people who frequent my gym lack the ability to appropriately dress themselves. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sports Academy: Please post this dress code in any and all dressing rooms. A mailing list wouldn't be a bad idea either. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhhP5C2yl8jK_PqTfrTFZYKgbyZEX0dEdXgJMNhxyjtOuS8e1OZorqZsVYIjNLCHL6tS9YiiBnks8gG_c1iPqFtytuRANc74aWbimBilUvdbB1bWz7xXlevN1NKXe5Hx1wtivJnDcZDlgn/s1600/Number+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhhP5C2yl8jK_PqTfrTFZYKgbyZEX0dEdXgJMNhxyjtOuS8e1OZorqZsVYIjNLCHL6tS9YiiBnks8gG_c1iPqFtytuRANc74aWbimBilUvdbB1bWz7xXlevN1NKXe5Hx1wtivJnDcZDlgn/s320/Number+1.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Spandex is a privilege, not a right. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you are paunchy, porky, pudgy, potbellied, portly, tubby, chubby or in any way bulging out of your clothing - choose another outfit. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's uncomfortable to watch, it can't be comfortable for you to squeeze into... choose cotton. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I do. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdkO8stgzdgUvcAlqHqTSsSyHsPzDVJn1bMocqukqYEStJkRD1baBpkM5_CEs9fDHsC-tJMslNDuwlZbNVSMSXkWeXUnmzp_xt4adCuDJxvx6xDJgDXaVHAnwsy-TXGzjOn1sLK5y8W0xW/s1600/You+in+Spandex.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdkO8stgzdgUvcAlqHqTSsSyHsPzDVJn1bMocqukqYEStJkRD1baBpkM5_CEs9fDHsC-tJMslNDuwlZbNVSMSXkWeXUnmzp_xt4adCuDJxvx6xDJgDXaVHAnwsy-TXGzjOn1sLK5y8W0xW/s400/You+in+Spandex.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Very Bad.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7rytf8pHc6GFiPaOMN5ZE_lZPAhC9T3Cm_a6vE_OINr_uWIc9bxKrdyZwznf-kt4xpLvICLUoMY4BVgVOWdH2saQcGzNjNjMI0y54lmauJGHVrIbt13KuSZMtodVhWh-ryHc_yTiM40te/s1600/You+in+Cotton.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7rytf8pHc6GFiPaOMN5ZE_lZPAhC9T3Cm_a6vE_OINr_uWIc9bxKrdyZwznf-kt4xpLvICLUoMY4BVgVOWdH2saQcGzNjNjMI0y54lmauJGHVrIbt13KuSZMtodVhWh-ryHc_yTiM40te/s400/You+in+Cotton.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Much Better. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD0-14CT4-0AO2T9NwW7TSzIG1EhIkyKbTCMqkMvjxXhEEaqMHdY7jShwbn4MKr9NqEs5Gcjn6SOBBlihzLN20zN4xzsa3llDPugKEijXBgcGYrcoTvNUYCZWlFP_nzVZD1HZjVnHOL9PN/s1600/Number+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD0-14CT4-0AO2T9NwW7TSzIG1EhIkyKbTCMqkMvjxXhEEaqMHdY7jShwbn4MKr9NqEs5Gcjn6SOBBlihzLN20zN4xzsa3llDPugKEijXBgcGYrcoTvNUYCZWlFP_nzVZD1HZjVnHOL9PN/s320/Number+2.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Push up bras are for date night, not the gym. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Get a sports bra. The point is to strap them down, not show them off. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Due to the graphic nature of that image, there will be no picture to further my point. If you're having problems visualizing this public indecency, head to my gym. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0YqyUvTc-xXaQ78Ydf3W1__Seg4ngiYtXajYDC8DXnYsRkBG6M9YeNwJ5uiI01Ow_5v385QT-gsbGTqeXy_t_AafTAZ-d9GuDlW1bqNASe4I6Q6Zqvtpxhk-DS6Kou6j6k-tL5IPk7NeW/s1600/Number+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0YqyUvTc-xXaQ78Ydf3W1__Seg4ngiYtXajYDC8DXnYsRkBG6M9YeNwJ5uiI01Ow_5v385QT-gsbGTqeXy_t_AafTAZ-d9GuDlW1bqNASe4I6Q6Zqvtpxhk-DS6Kou6j6k-tL5IPk7NeW/s320/Number+3.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Keep your clothing on. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Just because you're sweating doesn't mean you have the right to show case that hairy belly. We don't want to see the muskrat that has taken up residence on your chest nor is the extra ten pounds hanging below your belt attractive. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> DO NOT remove your shirt if you're on the treadmill. Flapping back fat in the morning is possibly the worst thing ever. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb6jxKqrp410Ksa2zKQiWMf4Qa4la0tPWNwhlRjZAtFmqF1oyKs4AheIwj8ggdVIrpgV2I_TjMafLDxH9hbF8hwZ0w9rRoHQXo3Xz0d2n-ls9YI2UrLUqVYZb7Jodwuowg9ZOrJenoRlg9/s1600/Hairy+No+Shirt+At+The+Gym,+Boo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb6jxKqrp410Ksa2zKQiWMf4Qa4la0tPWNwhlRjZAtFmqF1oyKs4AheIwj8ggdVIrpgV2I_TjMafLDxH9hbF8hwZ0w9rRoHQXo3Xz0d2n-ls9YI2UrLUqVYZb7Jodwuowg9ZOrJenoRlg9/s320/Hairy+No+Shirt+At+The+Gym,+Boo.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is not okay. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuuH6SQmYyxSoYd5vMKevclUkEKbItkdD5eHrdcNokbxSUv6AMp_57QSr6Vdn_OFRFQ6QISG9ywBD0AlL3MMVLk9Y_qCQ4oO7uyfmUefotaOfRznAF4x0k9LbsetrulwdCXFeOSod5mQjo/s1600/Better!+Shirt+At+the+Gym.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuuH6SQmYyxSoYd5vMKevclUkEKbItkdD5eHrdcNokbxSUv6AMp_57QSr6Vdn_OFRFQ6QISG9ywBD0AlL3MMVLk9Y_qCQ4oO7uyfmUefotaOfRznAF4x0k9LbsetrulwdCXFeOSod5mQjo/s320/Better!+Shirt+At+the+Gym.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is okay. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Women, this goes for you too. Just because you can suck it in when you check yourself out in the mirror doesn't mean it will stay that way, in fact it usually doesn't. That padded sports bra you think you're passing off as a shirt only accentuates your extra chub. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Rule of thumb: Unless you can do 20 jumping jacks without jiggly middle, consider all articles of clothing necessary. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG5kgekSBUrt19wC1xDr2KuWcTVKNKEQQ8FxufAThwV06i-r84WEx2vHDKh43myU5oxwXAbjTELw1kuueW6gXIP-ksG7Ig_qW8bpuUq0LYLf6kcGTsYksHSKy4bNfBeIJ0ERfO3EVEs2a7/s1600/Number+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG5kgekSBUrt19wC1xDr2KuWcTVKNKEQQ8FxufAThwV06i-r84WEx2vHDKh43myU5oxwXAbjTELw1kuueW6gXIP-ksG7Ig_qW8bpuUq0LYLf6kcGTsYksHSKy4bNfBeIJ0ERfO3EVEs2a7/s320/Number+4.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> You do not need 1/2 a ton of makeup for the gym. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You're working out, which means you SHOULD be perspiring and SHOULD NOT appear airbrushed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Either A) you're clogging your pores and exacerbating your poorly covered acre or B) the snail speed you've got going on the elliptical wouldn't make my grandma sweat. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSPqmsp6Q21SN-02opBkFM9vpn1ogr48JP856wdyWGrasfSLqjvzws3a1jNE6mPxcGWNdxZQ6z3VyjUh5a7Zc97Y9nMuYOMIVPGDpUgqgxNrzGvl6eZI2_aCgMJyP6NH_m2z7DAprMkChl/s1600/Number+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSPqmsp6Q21SN-02opBkFM9vpn1ogr48JP856wdyWGrasfSLqjvzws3a1jNE6mPxcGWNdxZQ6z3VyjUh5a7Zc97Y9nMuYOMIVPGDpUgqgxNrzGvl6eZI2_aCgMJyP6NH_m2z7DAprMkChl/s320/Number+5.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Pony tails. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Long hair flowing as you run may seem like an awesome idea since Jennifer Anniston looks like fox when she does it, but you slightly resemble cousin it from the adams family when you do it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Use a pony tail.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />They will keep your hair from flinging sweat on the person behind you, and you might actually be able to see in front of you. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin4fp6g9dJ9UceSXbnlRGWinKyEGvVmTRLVlkdZHeFVv3Z90M2UTHyqvC-ZQUmP98MShQ5igmRYqi9K3ZPRHMz19UH-Fzp1hOQ15Ev0_LXoBE1ZoBPhDb7nqPkw_qktwLuCvS9gzsBna-G/s1600/Use+a+Pony.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin4fp6g9dJ9UceSXbnlRGWinKyEGvVmTRLVlkdZHeFVv3Z90M2UTHyqvC-ZQUmP98MShQ5igmRYqi9K3ZPRHMz19UH-Fzp1hOQ15Ev0_LXoBE1ZoBPhDb7nqPkw_qktwLuCvS9gzsBna-G/s320/Use+a+Pony.png" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No Pony: Bad</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Pony Tail: Good</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In summation: Wear an adequate amount of clothing, Keep that clothing on, Adhere to appropriate grooming standards and keep your cheepers tucked in. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The End. </span></div>
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<br /></div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-9917058716421626732011-03-21T18:38:00.002-06:002014-02-03T16:13:43.981-07:00The Pill<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I see a lot of pregnant women. Working at an OBGYN office means I hear about all of the mood swings, the weight gain, the water retention, aches and pains, food cravings, morning sickness, lethargy and general discomfort of buns in the oven on a regular basis. I've always known these were the expected downsides to pregnancy, and as far as I was concerned they were just added reason for sane people to hold off on knocking up.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I was once a huge proponent of birth control. In fact I was pro- oral contraceptives for any and every newly sexually active couple, mostly because of the vast level of incompetence to rear children exhibited by the general public, but either way - I pushed "the pill" on plenty of patients. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Few of them liked it. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The way women complain about the side effects of "the pill" you'd think they were the pregnant patients. The list of complaints is nearly identical. They tell me how crazy they went on the hormones, how they gained fifteen pounds in the first month, how they suddenly regressed to their zit infested high school complexion, how they had "that time of the month" ALL month. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I figured they were all Pansies. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I had the same standard answers for them all:</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Most birth controls have no clinical indication of weight gain. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You may experience slight mood swings, but on the new lower doses you shouldn't notice a huge difference. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You may be slightly irregular for the first few months but afterwards you will experience much more mild and regulated cycles. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Oral contraceptives are the most cost effective way to prevent any unplanned pregnancies. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I have recently changed my view on all of these standard answers. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I started "the pill".</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"The Pill" has quotations around it so you know to read it with an ominous cadence. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">(*for ginger - ominous cadence is a more specific way of saying evil accent) </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Don't get any ideas, I'm not getting married anytime soon, I haven't sprouted promiscuous curiosities and I'm not working the corner on fifth and ninth - I started "the pill" for other unnamed reasons. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This is what I've discovered. "The pill" does more than prevent little monsters - it turns women into big hormonal monsters. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Even the littlest things set me off. Sudden anger for no apparent reason is not uncommon on "the pill" </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaW6pB_tViiEuHr8d3vp6qVPv5lZDHQg4WzZES3a-FxgH9qyAzCD7UuKbqxSiWfEO6LWNswAJhTBqMl-zEq43YU6hoD7z9Du8roBu2LyNceYne0b96JDz1l1PlkvTp-7Q6R-bQgTGMeCss/s1600/Do+you+want+ice+cream%253F.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaW6pB_tViiEuHr8d3vp6qVPv5lZDHQg4WzZES3a-FxgH9qyAzCD7UuKbqxSiWfEO6LWNswAJhTBqMl-zEq43YU6hoD7z9Du8roBu2LyNceYne0b96JDz1l1PlkvTp-7Q6R-bQgTGMeCss/s400/Do+you+want+ice+cream%253F.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBD4VLlGB6KmVY7O68Y8KYTw2iBj4tU9KzgNVYr1sCaSmME-LkOPjlDJt5meL1BAKOUxweCtA41ku5-TpSOu-ouwFIbY05Ij18VZ68tP11CftYyFX0Tdd-_mYmfeI58tRvgz-_vgZ5C_fx/s1600/sure+you%2527re+okay%253F.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBD4VLlGB6KmVY7O68Y8KYTw2iBj4tU9KzgNVYr1sCaSmME-LkOPjlDJt5meL1BAKOUxweCtA41ku5-TpSOu-ouwFIbY05Ij18VZ68tP11CftYyFX0Tdd-_mYmfeI58tRvgz-_vgZ5C_fx/s400/sure+you%2527re+okay%253F.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8WapB-wLdnscyHxZX7MzHorAD4joo8CTG3VIiJpRHbhnkDO-FnYKl7ppv_cNSwAyeaEMMyP6rirvo9s6jxOIlxBIBBi5Gl0Gtfp6SPccfOA9JyUtU_xWkg0x9wLP2vL_XnjcEvpw7jD63/s1600/WHY+WOULDN%2527T+I+BE+OKAY%253F.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8WapB-wLdnscyHxZX7MzHorAD4joo8CTG3VIiJpRHbhnkDO-FnYKl7ppv_cNSwAyeaEMMyP6rirvo9s6jxOIlxBIBBi5Gl0Gtfp6SPccfOA9JyUtU_xWkg0x9wLP2vL_XnjcEvpw7jD63/s400/WHY+WOULDN%2527T+I+BE+OKAY%253F.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I unearthed a new sensitive side I never knew I had. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Songs I've heard a million times now make me cry. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivFZ1toLYIoAP8e89hyphenhyphenkgYjTjfRLOEE7Ol5U0otVXOCRFD9yPTdxP3n-4UaraQqQor_-UoG0iJ2YHl23WgFZmOTJXF03liCgGrqmfIMXEbKVdjs88ldBnRnhwiaIOUC7GvRNK68V_uIEzA/s1600/Happy+music.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivFZ1toLYIoAP8e89hyphenhyphenkgYjTjfRLOEE7Ol5U0otVXOCRFD9yPTdxP3n-4UaraQqQor_-UoG0iJ2YHl23WgFZmOTJXF03liCgGrqmfIMXEbKVdjs88ldBnRnhwiaIOUC7GvRNK68V_uIEzA/s400/Happy+music.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I no longer listen to Carrie Underwood's "Just a dream". </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUyndZm4dcHL9nZst26cE6z8JG5-amm4YHm171UHeApb_gKYzCkAh6ZhEQfaAUtvp3uOPtbkXEY39j7ACE1VY6gdZHzOIdxkkiTfRF1KclWu7d_w51M712b-ArAFda8cF22xNGwuMtRDC1/s1600/sad+song.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUyndZm4dcHL9nZst26cE6z8JG5-amm4YHm171UHeApb_gKYzCkAh6ZhEQfaAUtvp3uOPtbkXEY39j7ACE1VY6gdZHzOIdxkkiTfRF1KclWu7d_w51M712b-ArAFda8cF22xNGwuMtRDC1/s400/sad+song.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Especially not on campus</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9b1Ofu2SsU0X1I9epPjncdEjD6hGOv65RjLwYSRWb88LJ38_FQ2lN9HxwBsPpehEEV8BSQ_eablkMxu4J4kRzCQKWAFjxKBUYyKWuuxdxL7dNPRCi6j9u_vre8kuqxkwT9HO9chiBhrOe/s1600/VERY+sad+song.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9b1Ofu2SsU0X1I9epPjncdEjD6hGOv65RjLwYSRWb88LJ38_FQ2lN9HxwBsPpehEEV8BSQ_eablkMxu4J4kRzCQKWAFjxKBUYyKWuuxdxL7dNPRCi6j9u_vre8kuqxkwT9HO9chiBhrOe/s400/VERY+sad+song.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I used to concentrate on important things. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOQ0_NuBjfqgEqDvH1W_l7s0h_htLsrEBoKIxLGiledH-xH_hwosGdRQenLr0emD9_L0SvAZLIAL-7YoeiukHB3_4Let3CK5cqn3D3b1rvkL2rNde9h5WZ4S3QEUgCrOJIHmYc5IVd96sK/s1600/off+the+pill.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOQ0_NuBjfqgEqDvH1W_l7s0h_htLsrEBoKIxLGiledH-xH_hwosGdRQenLr0emD9_L0SvAZLIAL-7YoeiukHB3_4Let3CK5cqn3D3b1rvkL2rNde9h5WZ4S3QEUgCrOJIHmYc5IVd96sK/s400/off+the+pill.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I was 10 lbs lighter then. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRnm6KjCSy7qU3Ye4Vv_gzof-muOPLGqZI3AtqH3gBSBcCmpgGqDsAe6OltjFL1f7wKS6n2rmGSG-NBzYgSR3u0Cqw5csgCu52KPC6oeDDOgVdtGUHikRCVTFBEo0sbL3Fh8br1zyKE1Dp/s1600/fat+whitney.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRnm6KjCSy7qU3Ye4Vv_gzof-muOPLGqZI3AtqH3gBSBcCmpgGqDsAe6OltjFL1f7wKS6n2rmGSG-NBzYgSR3u0Cqw5csgCu52KPC6oeDDOgVdtGUHikRCVTFBEo0sbL3Fh8br1zyKE1Dp/s400/fat+whitney.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I used to be capable of rational thought, without jumping to crazy conclusions or perceiving everything as a personal attack. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"></span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI28v4UGEJQC2FdjMR980WLYexjzQhsPTAE1wbhRsmQiEJ4UQjy_HEeGYuxwcuOnqW0q9IW1ZAiuJzasUaAGXmbQQiYdhqPMRFVxBLPYZXrvF5Ndhiywscv-T10SeWd9UZQ0KnPFnyrWmM/s1600/I+asked+for+pinto+beans.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI28v4UGEJQC2FdjMR980WLYexjzQhsPTAE1wbhRsmQiEJ4UQjy_HEeGYuxwcuOnqW0q9IW1ZAiuJzasUaAGXmbQQiYdhqPMRFVxBLPYZXrvF5Ndhiywscv-T10SeWd9UZQ0KnPFnyrWmM/s400/I+asked+for+pinto+beans.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Not anymore. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwaeg9-TH0TatkYfOUMGJoVfHewGMqRRWJnDnZ3wStdfltI1IhWaDohVVNTZ6X80syLNCq757OWCxdKN3sOPm2Vifk4PUeA4m_Xjj6tNy59kCbggAtEIQsd6jgUSAb5nWYorpr2ZKZSTfH/s1600/crying+over+beans.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwaeg9-TH0TatkYfOUMGJoVfHewGMqRRWJnDnZ3wStdfltI1IhWaDohVVNTZ6X80syLNCq757OWCxdKN3sOPm2Vifk4PUeA4m_Xjj6tNy59kCbggAtEIQsd6jgUSAb5nWYorpr2ZKZSTfH/s400/crying+over+beans.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">In short, I have developed bipolar disorder in under a month. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You never know which Whitney you're going to get, it's like russian roulette except instead of bullets I'm firing estrogen injected emotion. For those around me it's a nightmare. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This is the emotional range gone through in a typical hour on "the pill" </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCf1C1DTD7AaylBeWC9boAAtrrFsQkVkpsQZ0EBjOdY82tZbJEV9HGvJzcuylEysCVVINFpy4ZrfIkwh39x0hXb9rf0GC5FMll2AhFPqcXTl3VlypU3WKTIoxsKzIqyO-F6ePOu4qYfy-Q/s1600/Monster+whit.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCf1C1DTD7AaylBeWC9boAAtrrFsQkVkpsQZ0EBjOdY82tZbJEV9HGvJzcuylEysCVVINFpy4ZrfIkwh39x0hXb9rf0GC5FMll2AhFPqcXTl3VlypU3WKTIoxsKzIqyO-F6ePOu4qYfy-Q/s320/Monster+whit.png" width="213" /></a></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjggMnpFp7AFTtZX4mbAu1iTgX6LYtIwjhcu_zLv5SdKIvuXyIvABp7lBRz-9GEylk_7bx1-9U_xd4pLJcyBapZY_vJn5psN3keX96xZRhFVxndDzCcAqZ3SdbtSinPt8Bkgpggabtvwfuf/s1600/mood+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjggMnpFp7AFTtZX4mbAu1iTgX6LYtIwjhcu_zLv5SdKIvuXyIvABp7lBRz-9GEylk_7bx1-9U_xd4pLJcyBapZY_vJn5psN3keX96xZRhFVxndDzCcAqZ3SdbtSinPt8Bkgpggabtvwfuf/s320/mood+1.jpg" width="213" /></a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitB-YQ_uXsMLmKOx5nAG8QabzLcmEsqmJTQsS8v0I0sj6SC8E3LvkVWmOfu-07demYpFS85FY4jskQf2bBuw-UBpiIbR4n-yUm6680JrWbSHHCHohw0j-_46GgWowu_xJDr51akLBYZ3GF/s1600/mood+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitB-YQ_uXsMLmKOx5nAG8QabzLcmEsqmJTQsS8v0I0sj6SC8E3LvkVWmOfu-07demYpFS85FY4jskQf2bBuw-UBpiIbR4n-yUm6680JrWbSHHCHohw0j-_46GgWowu_xJDr51akLBYZ3GF/s320/mood+2.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3s4uQGrmWnMrF8tukSGEVDZr_f9uYMjnlw7W_F10XgcmxqmjejEDPF2JEo37-GVI0ApDHuoE7VLB3IX6GJOoQIxRRfygX12Js6Eqj3UQx3gMTKoqAT6mTFvFoZVv032DvBplkQu53P3ME/s1600/mood+3.5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3s4uQGrmWnMrF8tukSGEVDZr_f9uYMjnlw7W_F10XgcmxqmjejEDPF2JEo37-GVI0ApDHuoE7VLB3IX6GJOoQIxRRfygX12Js6Eqj3UQx3gMTKoqAT6mTFvFoZVv032DvBplkQu53P3ME/s320/mood+3.5.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl17I-f102Zr5JkL0KFCD27x3pYv2ZMJVzAw4hbAj1nETSFLvsOvvl5O2tZQRpl0xgRRUPnQZBx4Gbp7JX_Cp6nJqYycPgVHRvJGNONYqX2Ufua1IBiYpHfxMCCGGI4R4W-7upZ8KizNDa/s1600/mood+10.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl17I-f102Zr5JkL0KFCD27x3pYv2ZMJVzAw4hbAj1nETSFLvsOvvl5O2tZQRpl0xgRRUPnQZBx4Gbp7JX_Cp6nJqYycPgVHRvJGNONYqX2Ufua1IBiYpHfxMCCGGI4R4W-7upZ8KizNDa/s320/mood+10.png" width="213" /></a></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-VUKXwLF3QAqMhXkZpD3__hWxr-xIXYWNKMFxTxc1s_RgJbraZAsB5TM_3pU_-PnQTsM4w5hf5COxVJfleEEH1rWVPK4ZHFUVUs6CvNR9YS2rrxO-7-lZURaKZge8pawF8MjKMmA6sSRj/s1600/mood+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-VUKXwLF3QAqMhXkZpD3__hWxr-xIXYWNKMFxTxc1s_RgJbraZAsB5TM_3pU_-PnQTsM4w5hf5COxVJfleEEH1rWVPK4ZHFUVUs6CvNR9YS2rrxO-7-lZURaKZge8pawF8MjKMmA6sSRj/s320/mood+5.jpg" width="213" /></a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9Cz_xN6eFJ-zmHrTJY_eXVKx5BaAYlgZmHGjnb9Uy7o0HAAUdPVz7fdxOjnxf2g6z4p2rJXpIGmlVxVOCXz_Yh2pOGxBabvSIm4sXXABnNuPLdJh18-SqCYZmENYDOPZL3BKTK7oPBndQ/s1600/mood+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9Cz_xN6eFJ-zmHrTJY_eXVKx5BaAYlgZmHGjnb9Uy7o0HAAUdPVz7fdxOjnxf2g6z4p2rJXpIGmlVxVOCXz_Yh2pOGxBabvSIm4sXXABnNuPLdJh18-SqCYZmENYDOPZL3BKTK7oPBndQ/s320/mood+3.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFNhmlcNR8txRCtgMfhZn6wpwPHSHexFG9rnwopxW1pTh0lt7fPQWdjOv2ZI6BAg65UDWYo3YzmHy7iZ_c27IpqyaVaw4clCZmnS52rxam3vPjYFPQQ3e_uGPefv8bOROwgsvr_EzaWxsp/s1600/mood+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFNhmlcNR8txRCtgMfhZn6wpwPHSHexFG9rnwopxW1pTh0lt7fPQWdjOv2ZI6BAg65UDWYo3YzmHy7iZ_c27IpqyaVaw4clCZmnS52rxam3vPjYFPQQ3e_uGPefv8bOROwgsvr_EzaWxsp/s320/mood+4.jpg" width="212" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHdpcZDP9GnwYeSqPazpOJPzkoIQVpO0qkV7WRpIF75Hffy2JhF3m5ixEAOtNlA0ZYH5-osIQJflwFFhFpDofiSsV-u5WN9U-a48TaTgjUo8MWFCxpLvDwieWLDFHPvgjJRGScx2oQwsQs/s1600/mood+6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHdpcZDP9GnwYeSqPazpOJPzkoIQVpO0qkV7WRpIF75Hffy2JhF3m5ixEAOtNlA0ZYH5-osIQJflwFFhFpDofiSsV-u5WN9U-a48TaTgjUo8MWFCxpLvDwieWLDFHPvgjJRGScx2oQwsQs/s320/mood+6.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiXP8oStCCsfavitxez_ahwi_-5DAqZN8pHCai0MG_jTrfDSVbG0Jb-Kcmqv62PXIkIN7JZ6tR1GrjaWMFnh9hRoHo2eQ6HVwC_OAXVumYR2EvMh7yu_Z6t3pW43t8fZOfrb0VT_Zs9XbJ/s1600/mood+11.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiXP8oStCCsfavitxez_ahwi_-5DAqZN8pHCai0MG_jTrfDSVbG0Jb-Kcmqv62PXIkIN7JZ6tR1GrjaWMFnh9hRoHo2eQ6HVwC_OAXVumYR2EvMh7yu_Z6t3pW43t8fZOfrb0VT_Zs9XbJ/s320/mood+11.png" width="213" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjyPGOhDfT2JofqRo68rCuPP_GeW16rQR-CE81hl1IGdM-Xb6xubiCIJHnJlGmcSOFotXhQdse5ZywvJ5m9HkF68oBXaRSxkui18u4oEoIr-P_62kNYaAF18xD7lrd7HmErYqxZUXR16Fh/s1600/mood+7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjyPGOhDfT2JofqRo68rCuPP_GeW16rQR-CE81hl1IGdM-Xb6xubiCIJHnJlGmcSOFotXhQdse5ZywvJ5m9HkF68oBXaRSxkui18u4oEoIr-P_62kNYaAF18xD7lrd7HmErYqxZUXR16Fh/s320/mood+7.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWgebqfpTMJCWST2rx_bo9iXVJMqGSkT4wtS84U_Qt0_OgxBoBuP1DLm2WLGFEz-SULSoGhnUayPkgvt-JmIKcECReTWkkvnnOdFICzqs6lQepLwEpb0kUy-Wv1kDJxg_7MJJ01RPf_M0A/s1600/mood+9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWgebqfpTMJCWST2rx_bo9iXVJMqGSkT4wtS84U_Qt0_OgxBoBuP1DLm2WLGFEz-SULSoGhnUayPkgvt-JmIKcECReTWkkvnnOdFICzqs6lQepLwEpb0kUy-Wv1kDJxg_7MJJ01RPf_M0A/s320/mood+9.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I still can't believe that something so small can have such a big effect.</span></div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">For the sake of my figure and the sanity of my loved ones, I am no longer taking the pill as of yesterday.</span></div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I see the averse effects of oral contraceptives as a sign that science has ceded this battle to christianity. Humans must be destined to populate and replenish the earth, otherwise we totally would have discovered a more humane way to keep from reproducing. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">If I was mean to you during my pill experiment - I apologize</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">If I started crying in your presence while taking the pill - I regret that. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">If I freaked out at or around you in the last month - please forgive me. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">If you're taking "the pill" - I'm sorry. </span></div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">If you're significant other is taking "the pill" - I'm VERY sorry, I'd suggest getting out if you still can. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-70431598705538460602011-03-02T11:43:00.005-07:002012-06-25T17:25:32.787-06:00House Sitting<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Last week my family planned a six day ski trip to Big Sky Montana. All of my brothers got to take off school, ditch their sports teams and spend the week knee deep in powder at one of my absolute favorite resorts. I did not get to go. I had to stay home because I go to college and have to be responsible. Since I was not participating in the family fun, I was nominated to take care of their house. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For the past 3 years since I moved out of my parent's house, "home" has been this magical place where I could drop off bags of dirty laundry and they'd magically wash and fold themselves; where the fridge is always stocked with left overs, baked goods are ever present and there's an endless supply of resources stored away in the basement. This was not the fairy tale my six days of house sitting turned out to be. These six days were, in fact, the opposite of that fairy tale. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My family has cows. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Don't ask me why we have cows, my father is a physician, my mom went to nursing school. They grew up in California and neither of them have any ties to agriculture whatsoever. But for some reason we have cows. And chickens. And dogs. And by no proactive means - about 12 barn cats. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I used to tolerate animals. They have no practical purpose for me and I think they smell bad, but I've never held any REAL animosity towards them. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I now intensely dislike animals after last week's adventures. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In fact, I now HATE animals. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Here's why.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I had my instructions - to feed the cows 1/2 bale of hay once in the morning - around 8, and once at night - around 6. Feed the dogs one heaping bowl each per day and make sure there was water and food in the chicken feeders at all times. The cats are on their own. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That sounded easy enough, so I skipped the day before orientation my dad offered and opted to wing the feeding schedule once I "moved in" for the week. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To tell you the truth I was somewhat looking forward to four stories and five acres all to myself. I shouldn't have. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The first day of feeding went like this: </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I prepped by putting on my warm and fuzzy black ugh boots since I couldn't find the rubber ones my dad suggested. I trudged through the snow, across the field and into the barn. I found the hay. I found the Cows. I found the fence that separated the hay from the cows. Self explanatory right?</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiUeQYFklK5tg0EfXvOWnKKSK0mZsnEuXizNO79ufH77c1SuUYF1UupGdLZB8vvzmh8pGSJqfAfY4MBsOzKPxdrID198yB69jTvqMAGz1In_WQRhW1R5vTcdHu2eu-n1gVd76GbEgbYIgD/s1600/Feed+the+Cows+thinking.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiUeQYFklK5tg0EfXvOWnKKSK0mZsnEuXizNO79ufH77c1SuUYF1UupGdLZB8vvzmh8pGSJqfAfY4MBsOzKPxdrID198yB69jTvqMAGz1In_WQRhW1R5vTcdHu2eu-n1gVd76GbEgbYIgD/s400/Feed+the+Cows+thinking.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wrong. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I couldn't figure out how to get the pitch fork over the fence to drop the hay in, which is when I remembered all of those Hollywood movies that depict ripped shirtless men launching Hay over fences to feed their many herds of cattle. That was the solution. I would launch the hay like the washboard cowboys from Dusty Britches. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Problem: Hay is quite heavy. Heaving it over the fence took a little bit of staggering and quite a chunk of my ego. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA_2OsuetUNyunrkudN2DlyL2WUdJBfgGW81HP3AXNIw14Wq1Dq4mJHzqYuFLNu6IBFUkyqUv8TuMChc-rqOPuBzISePtkgfKdQ2vIaFLYuRqwEcvWyKs37RgLJ4sVE0wLi2P932ctXtLP/s1600/Feed+the+Cows+heaving.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA_2OsuetUNyunrkudN2DlyL2WUdJBfgGW81HP3AXNIw14Wq1Dq4mJHzqYuFLNu6IBFUkyqUv8TuMChc-rqOPuBzISePtkgfKdQ2vIaFLYuRqwEcvWyKs37RgLJ4sVE0wLi2P932ctXtLP/s400/Feed+the+Cows+heaving.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But I eventually managed to fling it over the fence.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmKTydzwhbgGNSWw5rZE7o7_PCfIzfgq3qM0IwaFKqR1DkL6XF7c_zVRFJmdW0QAeqYzi-n2Qd0GSGnM7JITO9kZtLuMX0XXFokpH7tzfo101itUpdkDnwAZhxftIKLNXrsuO4vPo_dYWr/s1600/Feed+the+Cows+flung.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmKTydzwhbgGNSWw5rZE7o7_PCfIzfgq3qM0IwaFKqR1DkL6XF7c_zVRFJmdW0QAeqYzi-n2Qd0GSGnM7JITO9kZtLuMX0XXFokpH7tzfo101itUpdkDnwAZhxftIKLNXrsuO4vPo_dYWr/s400/Feed+the+Cows+flung.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Problem: it didn't land in the bucket... </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9FPo4ZQ3v-oRSDbBa6ZXqjcKahXKQZuTamdcthfkICDyxv5nWDXq3vdyKrvvNGGmGQQXQ2pGZhoun7fS3GPRZogBIF6L9zdQoilT6cYwnq64Jd9J3q99IF4rjnl_LJRDq4qvrD9BzcyyA/s1600/Cow+Not+eating.+Stare.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9FPo4ZQ3v-oRSDbBa6ZXqjcKahXKQZuTamdcthfkICDyxv5nWDXq3vdyKrvvNGGmGQQXQ2pGZhoun7fS3GPRZogBIF6L9zdQoilT6cYwnq64Jd9J3q99IF4rjnl_LJRDq4qvrD9BzcyyA/s400/Cow+Not+eating.+Stare.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And they just stared at it. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnaKz3TDZI3XBHBCJB8I-8M5crIBi_pbotepNHEam4CCpy4TQbvTKPxdMRzVaDUkAZJp4r3Ez6m6qpJLDcIg4ZDjYnvsMrzBpxOEBgZhCD1EzYfK5mfj1N74vRe_0MM66BdBFLt5omynYM/s1600/Cow+Not+eating.+MOOO%2521.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnaKz3TDZI3XBHBCJB8I-8M5crIBi_pbotepNHEam4CCpy4TQbvTKPxdMRzVaDUkAZJp4r3Ez6m6qpJLDcIg4ZDjYnvsMrzBpxOEBgZhCD1EzYfK5mfj1N74vRe_0MM66BdBFLt5omynYM/s400/Cow+Not+eating.+MOOO%2521.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I decided they must need some coercion, so I climbed over the fence to coerce the cows to eat their dinner. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQXsi5AOFO9-JEfcLIcQO9f1OcK1MO9lnV65-crDYwRbhuo_EKsgzF4LHgc1AA-LJVJSzsvqygtJF3yIHrE6X8QX9_8KCpTFQliUUgnE4MdRXC7P-3obCaA6S_zewqb9u0kNrdE4yLyPtm/s1600/Eat+your+food%2521+Stupid+Cows.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQXsi5AOFO9-JEfcLIcQO9f1OcK1MO9lnV65-crDYwRbhuo_EKsgzF4LHgc1AA-LJVJSzsvqygtJF3yIHrE6X8QX9_8KCpTFQliUUgnE4MdRXC7P-3obCaA6S_zewqb9u0kNrdE4yLyPtm/s400/Eat+your+food%2521+Stupid+Cows.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Bad idea. Cows do not like coercion. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNKLRXfYh4swoPp2lZchkMoKoVfIVuLGk2Njuy_ab34xTsGQukzD-qiBEVig6V7QJ1ITBxY_pLd2vyBjKbHYjG11n4dwkSF-31yaHjzhrQ7QWGtFG-yvZzabl-hoSLrbo4Jm4LYBAGsv6k/s1600/The+cows+are+very+angry+at+Whitney.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNKLRXfYh4swoPp2lZchkMoKoVfIVuLGk2Njuy_ab34xTsGQukzD-qiBEVig6V7QJ1ITBxY_pLd2vyBjKbHYjG11n4dwkSF-31yaHjzhrQ7QWGtFG-yvZzabl-hoSLrbo4Jm4LYBAGsv6k/s400/The+cows+are+very+angry+at+Whitney.png" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In fact, cows don't even like you in their pen. They especially don't like you in their pen, touching their food and trying to force feed them. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A vision of these rank creatures trampling me into the fence and stomping me to death suddenly flashed into my mind. I did NOT want to die in a manure pit. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Luckily, the pitch fork was within reach. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhY7HpPJhMng74Kcx10V_6bOC5sodMgQ3TLms5-_P8J5iqitHCjwTanuGJwzpdyyvbr20e-pcDyE31YzM82lRsc9UBPTUZSJ5ZD2gyMVrNa2ihAcN5cnEEaEt_RmuWhPudOrCb1PzM2EnKd/s1600/GET+THE+PITCHFORK%2521.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhY7HpPJhMng74Kcx10V_6bOC5sodMgQ3TLms5-_P8J5iqitHCjwTanuGJwzpdyyvbr20e-pcDyE31YzM82lRsc9UBPTUZSJ5ZD2gyMVrNa2ihAcN5cnEEaEt_RmuWhPudOrCb1PzM2EnKd/s400/GET+THE+PITCHFORK%2521.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I barely escaped with my life. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvQLsXK_bQrVQxw0Kl-CqeW67YYVO8-kLZiq9HtCI1wDb1jdp3QVhdblpygxB-n1-dLdSq7pGu2V7ClGTRGuFIwQ_HXNevh5pN1kj2OQkvIREFXqMf84kidcgWWhIS2feVGlDkG-4As24Q/s1600/Back+Beast%2521+.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvQLsXK_bQrVQxw0Kl-CqeW67YYVO8-kLZiq9HtCI1wDb1jdp3QVhdblpygxB-n1-dLdSq7pGu2V7ClGTRGuFIwQ_HXNevh5pN1kj2OQkvIREFXqMf84kidcgWWhIS2feVGlDkG-4As24Q/s400/Back+Beast%2521+.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At this point, any person of normal valor would have clambored back over that green fence and let the cows starve to death staring at their dinner. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not me. I am extra courageous. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I marched myself, wielding my weapon of course, back to the discarded hay. They were going to eat that bale if it was the last thing I made them do. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj65p7BsPt17EWFudrQ2WUyb-rKs7FU_B2Kr0Yib_k-ZH88oyuNMHh6jpT_NUyb0kecg9e00lsR-v4wGneIR7-aiogxfm-5oho9MDH-bWRQIhoEZZkX9stxfftnBisExReosjUBEazj_XdI/s1600/Moving+the+hay+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj65p7BsPt17EWFudrQ2WUyb-rKs7FU_B2Kr0Yib_k-ZH88oyuNMHh6jpT_NUyb0kecg9e00lsR-v4wGneIR7-aiogxfm-5oho9MDH-bWRQIhoEZZkX9stxfftnBisExReosjUBEazj_XdI/s400/Moving+the+hay+1.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I moved the hay exactly 4 inches to the left and into the bucket. Suddenly the cows were entirely disinterested in the fact that I was in their smelly habitat, all they cared about was the food in front of them. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSnIzuGMmrC_adRC8e75bPrE4aJJLn4Lcm7ITLGjRFL8qwOvJ0Srq-N5tQoaqqwxOCBvu0KLYGDlwvvObTcALIAPyh7s1OVRQhpg6YdbTIMc-BM8t2LLm0OkxHo2EuQshBWHA4ROFChwmK/s1600/Now+They+Eat.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSnIzuGMmrC_adRC8e75bPrE4aJJLn4Lcm7ITLGjRFL8qwOvJ0Srq-N5tQoaqqwxOCBvu0KLYGDlwvvObTcALIAPyh7s1OVRQhpg6YdbTIMc-BM8t2LLm0OkxHo2EuQshBWHA4ROFChwmK/s400/Now+They+Eat.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Apparently eating Hay off the ground is beneath cows. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I got great satisfaction from the fact that I'm pretty sure I stabbed some cow excrement along with the hay, and since it went in the bucket.... </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm pretty sure they ate it. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Smile. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The next day I learned that cows are incapable of change. I didn't feed them until 8 at night, after the sun had set, and instead of being grateful and eating their dinner just a little late they decided to moo hungrily. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All Night Long. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Apparently cows cannot eat in the dark. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Most people have to worry about their dogs barking into the night. I had to worry about the cows keeping the entire street awake - which they did, until the sun came back up and they decided to eat. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Cows are the stupidest animals alive. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Unfortunately, the cows were not the only problem animals last week. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The dogs presented a whole new issue. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My little brother recently got a new puppy - Maggie. Maggie is still too young to sleep outside in the frigid Logan winters, but my mom is adamant about her outside dog only policy. This means Maggie and Duke (the Lab I saved from the Walmart parking lot 5 years ago) get to sleep on doggie beds in the house, but only in the front hallway. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Problem - Maggie drives Duke crazy. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While Duke will stay on his pillow and nicely go to sleep or gnaw on his bone, Maggie never wants to stop playing. We have to hook her to door to keep her from wandering around the house, but really it just chains her within bugging distance of Duke. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">11:30 hit and I turned out the lights to head upstairs. Duke readied himself for sleep, and Maggie geared up to play with him. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqWuLL0OsOyWgj4Q3Ss17uoFdxMBOqGZf5hye4BaigZbUjhXnh_RErbv846vojSVAIwXRLfYq_zNcgqV6vxZr-2AzRaM_QbkfMiusKVQ2_svx2W1pKDz3bN7tJwulZ1yeUZFN-V-NsCKvP/s1600/Duke+and+Maggie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqWuLL0OsOyWgj4Q3Ss17uoFdxMBOqGZf5hye4BaigZbUjhXnh_RErbv846vojSVAIwXRLfYq_zNcgqV6vxZr-2AzRaM_QbkfMiusKVQ2_svx2W1pKDz3bN7tJwulZ1yeUZFN-V-NsCKvP/s400/Duke+and+Maggie.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">1:00 AM - I'm woken up by loud wimpering wafting up the stairs. After many attempts to yell at them from the comforts of my bed I ventured downstairs to find out what was causing the raukus. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Duke had dragged both beds into the middle of the floor and left Maggie chained to the door. </span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I can't say I blamed him. </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQyxk5PDIKsnUAwRz9ZR1yiTvoLnPjg8VusJOmnLqQffjruGbVplYHjLTsm89jEKBcSQCHozPr0wAKTLqNgcbRKMsFHJ_qh0BZHy1Dw9mIHikacictl-YWbkuG5jdfmaRqg2UFnkaKQzpI/s1600/Duke+ran+away+from+Maggie.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQyxk5PDIKsnUAwRz9ZR1yiTvoLnPjg8VusJOmnLqQffjruGbVplYHjLTsm89jEKBcSQCHozPr0wAKTLqNgcbRKMsFHJ_qh0BZHy1Dw9mIHikacictl-YWbkuG5jdfmaRqg2UFnkaKQzpI/s400/Duke+ran+away+from+Maggie.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Nonetheless, I dragged Duke and the Puppy Pillows back to their "spot" and firmly told Maggie it was time for bed. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't think she understood me... </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt3E5w-xpNST2BqK6wPO6cnC-i51dgQ03sXGVB4zk4GxjWitr_Z6SbKkd-M2eNDqSojd5M56TgEdXHRVlHcx5hkst7GsX-GXSDI4Zo3QdBvqavTWinsHjrwMHYLANsVVYs_XjtFb775tkN/s1600/Duke...+play+with+me%2521.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt3E5w-xpNST2BqK6wPO6cnC-i51dgQ03sXGVB4zk4GxjWitr_Z6SbKkd-M2eNDqSojd5M56TgEdXHRVlHcx5hkst7GsX-GXSDI4Zo3QdBvqavTWinsHjrwMHYLANsVVYs_XjtFb775tkN/s400/Duke...+play+with+me%2521.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Translation: Duke, play with me! </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">An hour later I came downstairs to more wimpering. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi24dENVYCy3F07GO3MgI_YqAzoovYB1RgJJEUIWZ-ek9xR6-utvPX-s6r-O0Rex7Pd3Ct9rP0NtS1kpb7ksfZ6OiujLxPqUY7DE_aNRo7iSr_OOVE3ew6UeO0neRS1XnfiSAhiLIalt2Gq/s1600/Duke+ran+away+from+Maggie.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi24dENVYCy3F07GO3MgI_YqAzoovYB1RgJJEUIWZ-ek9xR6-utvPX-s6r-O0Rex7Pd3Ct9rP0NtS1kpb7ksfZ6OiujLxPqUY7DE_aNRo7iSr_OOVE3ew6UeO0neRS1XnfiSAhiLIalt2Gq/s400/Duke+ran+away+from+Maggie.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I dragged the pillows back, this time separating the two just enough so that Maggie's chain ended right before Duke's bed started. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Problem solved. Dogs mastered. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At three A.M. I fell asleep for the final time. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I didn't wake up until 8 the next morning, when I had to trudge out to feed the cows again, but when I got downstairs Maggie had a whole new surprise for me. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbn9Lu0yB4o5AHxNoc2nphWCPqV0tBCAQOwNhRQd7jWxrzn5Coke_pAg6lc8SK8OdjSGItxZDQJTp8VEDuZtzA9t4u0byMn_m_oPjXjrxbGovp5oU1qgb-ZR6GZ2T8Oep6Q24xeCFg-uzJ/s1600/Maggie+Threw+Up.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbn9Lu0yB4o5AHxNoc2nphWCPqV0tBCAQOwNhRQd7jWxrzn5Coke_pAg6lc8SK8OdjSGItxZDQJTp8VEDuZtzA9t4u0byMn_m_oPjXjrxbGovp5oU1qgb-ZR6GZ2T8Oep6Q24xeCFg-uzJ/s400/Maggie+Threw+Up.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She had thrown up, on her bed, in the middle of the night. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Apparently a mouse, two dimes, a red shoelace and a Quarter didn't sit well with her stomach. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Cleaning it up took two pair of rubber gloves, 14 plastic garbage sacks, half a bottle of lysol and a trip to the neighbor's trash can since I didn't want her digging it back out of ours. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is why I now hate animals.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And why I'll never ever EVER house sit for my parents again. </span></div>
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</div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-20642820624749662122011-02-14T18:13:00.004-07:002011-02-15T20:17:10.257-07:00Valentines Chub<div style="text-align: center;">Valentines Day is here yet again. February 14th, the day of the year that PDA runs rampant, Chocolate sales sky rocket, restaurants fill with love struck couples and Walmart sells millions of roses that die in under 12 hours.<br />
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Valentines Day and I have a long history together. In the 20 years that I've been around it has yet to impress me. In fact I'm pretty sure February 14th hates me.<br />
Valentines day brings only jiggle for my belly and extra pudgey pounds.<br />
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I'll start at the beginning. </div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">First Grade; Littleton Academy Charter School<br />
Sheldon was the cutest boy in my class and the entire female population of the first grade had a crush on him. He had adorable blonde hair, was always picked first in P.E., towered over even third graders and (here's the best part) sat right next to me. </div><div style="text-align: center;">I loved him.<br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"> I had picked SkyDancer valentines that year, my brother picked Batman. (which I thought was stupid because batman has nothing to do with love and that's what V-day is all about) While I was addressing my cards and choosing just the right saying for all of my first grade peers I had a brilliant idea; I would confess my undying love for Sheldon via Valentine. First, I attached two boxes of nerds to Sheldon's skydancer valentine. I thought about it some more and decided that just wasn't enough of a manifestation. No, my love needed a real expression of sentiment yet needed to remain anonymous - that's when my plot became even more genius.</div><div style="text-align: center;">In order to execute my plan I would need a Valentine that couldn't be traced back to me, I planned to make my own giant heart with all my extra candy taped to it. Unfortunately I couldn't find any giant sheets of construction paper and I wasn't allowed to use scissors without supervision, so I improvised and stole a batman valentine from my brother. In my neatest handwriting I wrote<br />
"I Love You, Please Kiss Me"<br />
right next to his name and signed it "your secret admirer".</div><div style="text-align: center;">The next day in class I snuck the special valentine into Sheldon's Valentine box when no one was looking. </div><div style="text-align: center;">After we had distributed cards I waited patiently as everyone dumped out their valentines, keeping my eye on Sheldon, just waiting for him to find my confession. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzyY32nJ8dZALK5sl94CcUplTz0T7c5XeCX5sGlU_bhpmjZynWT_Eqn2jw3it54K-cLYdDu3rbwtvbd_By3Lfypp76wnxrRki181o8HErVQ-69Od1ikjc0i5zKVajUsz2iKZZEcF3zbYOx/s1600/Sheldon+big+batman+valentine.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzyY32nJ8dZALK5sl94CcUplTz0T7c5XeCX5sGlU_bhpmjZynWT_Eqn2jw3it54K-cLYdDu3rbwtvbd_By3Lfypp76wnxrRki181o8HErVQ-69Od1ikjc0i5zKVajUsz2iKZZEcF3zbYOx/s400/Sheldon+big+batman+valentine.png" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">He found it. Unfortunately so did the rest of class. </div><div style="text-align: center;">A manhunt immediately ensued for whoever had the batman valentines. I smirked as the class ransacked their valentines looking for a batman cards, I knew I was safe since all of the cards with my name on them were Sky Dancer, not Batman.<br />
Then the class found Batman cards and it all went downhill from there. Shannon, the class tomboy who had actually taken off her shirt at recess in an attempt to be a boy, was also Batman's biggest fan. As a result of peer pressure and the free-loving atmosphere in Miss Collin's classroom, Sheldon decided to grant my Valentines wish. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitvLVVLf4oXYuJWQ0T_1YyUm_Pnej-r1lHVvzH6ZPs0MzTQ4QfqUW0z9O56D9u-UhvX2HFtYepEXxWNb6baqE4GA3SxG0z-3Y4pT25VywKx_vHwPOtRQtELRsEfOUDyiGONjBRJOnrxhk9/s1600/Sheldon+and+Shannon.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitvLVVLf4oXYuJWQ0T_1YyUm_Pnej-r1lHVvzH6ZPs0MzTQ4QfqUW0z9O56D9u-UhvX2HFtYepEXxWNb6baqE4GA3SxG0z-3Y4pT25VywKx_vHwPOtRQtELRsEfOUDyiGONjBRJOnrxhk9/s400/Sheldon+and+Shannon.png" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">Only he thought it was Shannon's wish, so she got my v-day kiss and I got to spend my valentines recess eating all of my V-day Candy in the slide.<br />
She didn't even like it.<br />
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Second Grade- 1998<br />
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After my heart was shattered in '97 I had forsaken love. Sheldon had moved away at the end of the school year and I had convinced myself I was never getting married. Boys had cooties. Luckily most of the 8 year old boys shared my aversion to the opposite sex.<br />
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Not Wade.<br />
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Wade was the red-headed weirdo that still ate mud and had worms for friends. He always got behind me when we lined up for recess. I did not love Wade.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmHDwbny3Ry_gHo_SUmiWufdolFQENbGC29IqAZaXJmI8D5M8fjOKBnnUUwtSa8kniujDJhS0W9IT-KW60UPj700FjUChrbfWCZRVIeR5OXKd0mGol7WUm3BGsDtkGOIliCAeJnID_TxIC/s1600/In+line+with+Wade.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmHDwbny3Ry_gHo_SUmiWufdolFQENbGC29IqAZaXJmI8D5M8fjOKBnnUUwtSa8kniujDJhS0W9IT-KW60UPj700FjUChrbfWCZRVIeR5OXKd0mGol7WUm3BGsDtkGOIliCAeJnID_TxIC/s400/In+line+with+Wade.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">On Valentines Day Wade was behind me in line once again. He tapped me on the shoulder. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiudR1szTYNQLTPCIgVS3KariTQ-lbuTNrX-1gEygkmX5kZQ2Mfq2bUNQReiANIzFJdiGDwRWj7ib2n_OrglploQC8Vq-do9vD_jY9bLQM_-hpI57LIySzeLLruZVBFf6fDvkPlWj0vVqwn/s1600/In+line+with+Wade+shoulder+tap.+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiudR1szTYNQLTPCIgVS3KariTQ-lbuTNrX-1gEygkmX5kZQ2Mfq2bUNQReiANIzFJdiGDwRWj7ib2n_OrglploQC8Vq-do9vD_jY9bLQM_-hpI57LIySzeLLruZVBFf6fDvkPlWj0vVqwn/s400/In+line+with+Wade+shoulder+tap.+.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I ignored him. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">So he tapped me again. </div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0P34hmc3tuJv7OpCYyeMPmMzWhI1WOlDJCFlWsMQ8GrZ9APYyM9YUoGk9BSOJZEw3ZahqYec0p2KLcC54yWuY7Z2IF7sA7qLWZqflOxWoY1g7JvQwiQOZl6Q-Cj8Wc142ZyTCEpgoXnHi/s1600/In+line+with+Wade%252C+what+wade%253F.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0P34hmc3tuJv7OpCYyeMPmMzWhI1WOlDJCFlWsMQ8GrZ9APYyM9YUoGk9BSOJZEw3ZahqYec0p2KLcC54yWuY7Z2IF7sA7qLWZqflOxWoY1g7JvQwiQOZl6Q-Cj8Wc142ZyTCEpgoXnHi/s400/In+line+with+Wade%252C+what+wade%253F.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">\He didn't answer so I turned around and BAM! He snuck a smooch right on my cheek. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0P34hmc3tuJv7OpCYyeMPmMzWhI1WOlDJCFlWsMQ8GrZ9APYyM9YUoGk9BSOJZEw3ZahqYec0p2KLcC54yWuY7Z2IF7sA7qLWZqflOxWoY1g7JvQwiQOZl6Q-Cj8Wc142ZyTCEpgoXnHi/s1600/In+line+with+Wade%252C+what+wade%253F.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_3fgvxuhn4DfS0WDjrQu-bqTRWTbBxQfezhivqRxXC5rCy5_8sYnANBP14MU07vcVX85fhw6aCcR_jE4W-O3neYTXgZgSvoMHpxQdRRSzkGhfA3YnuPzzm0SaG-5p4fWtlQ-jJi-NsbU7/s1600/In+line+with+Wade+-+kiss+me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_3fgvxuhn4DfS0WDjrQu-bqTRWTbBxQfezhivqRxXC5rCy5_8sYnANBP14MU07vcVX85fhw6aCcR_jE4W-O3neYTXgZgSvoMHpxQdRRSzkGhfA3YnuPzzm0SaG-5p4fWtlQ-jJi-NsbU7/s400/In+line+with+Wade+-+kiss+me.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">What happened next was all his own fault. </div><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7T4JwQKwX80XQCyEtHQ-xWezon_NJeQpFsrSEGAGcqbgHiMJb8p6Jqxwof3YTazXqkyyxo3k-t8yH8ceN5eRoCtfPFZ8pHLNwF_iDj_YPLgaKpkaPYH3vCj90LNON5spEBrNlcOJTNJZ0/s1600/In+line+with+Wade+-+punch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7T4JwQKwX80XQCyEtHQ-xWezon_NJeQpFsrSEGAGcqbgHiMJb8p6Jqxwof3YTazXqkyyxo3k-t8yH8ceN5eRoCtfPFZ8pHLNwF_iDj_YPLgaKpkaPYH3vCj90LNON5spEBrNlcOJTNJZ0/s400/In+line+with+Wade+-+punch.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I punched Wade in the face. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">He got a black eye and got to call his mom to come get him, I got sent to the Principal's office and indoor recess for two weeks. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I ate all of the candies in the candy Jar while I watched the other kids play. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Every day. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>For the next four years I kept a low profile as Valentines Day came and went, I guess Cupid thought I was traumatized enough, but when I hit the sixth grade he changed his mind.<br />
I decided to be a great friend that year and, while I had sworn off love after my scarring experiences, I could celebrate Valentines with my girls. Since my best friend Dana and I didn't have "boyfriends" to buy us cheesy gifts like all of our other friends did, I decided I'd provide the cheesy gift. I bought a bear that said "hug me" on a heart for my BF Dana, because i'm a sweetheart like that.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
Problem, she saw me putting it in my locker that Valentines morning. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy3vUjMUViApw1aPIIT7Nl9V0-LNjAqt1CNrGyuua6aY_nGprYSlmlTAJAq42HGLEyVCh219CKTsQX_cv_JI81Cr86uvT4O-TvXnMYm-GI7302QETCQ9qoMprDuUqD95aycaEbefvxbpbK/s1600/Who%2527s+the+bear+for%253F+6th+grade+valentines.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy3vUjMUViApw1aPIIT7Nl9V0-LNjAqt1CNrGyuua6aY_nGprYSlmlTAJAq42HGLEyVCh219CKTsQX_cv_JI81Cr86uvT4O-TvXnMYm-GI7302QETCQ9qoMprDuUqD95aycaEbefvxbpbK/s400/Who%2527s+the+bear+for%253F+6th+grade+valentines.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Did I mention that I had a crush on Adam? I had a crush on Adam in the sixth grade. Logically it made sense that the bear was for him, and apparently it made sense to Dana too because when she found the bear in my locker at lunch still she decided to help my love life along. She put the bear in Adam's locker. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Adam now had the bear. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And all of our friends knew I had "given" Adam the Valentines Bear. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Adam told me that he just "wanted to be friends" and didn't think "going out" was a good idea until we were older. He did this with a horde of preteen boys behind him and in front of 15 of my closest girl friends. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I avoided Adam for the next month and my ego never recovered. Especially not after my mom made rocky road brownies to cheer me up and I ate 3/4 of the pan in twenty minutes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Eighth grade:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I had an older boyfriend. He was in ninth grade. We held hands in the halls and hugged every day before getting on our respective buses. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Valentines Day he decorated my room with rose petals and Hershies kisses. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioHj7EYD5Hss1lST-2IHeBBPHMMsxKWoyKJgXpF5OypfQbYegkJZ6rKsfrP01fQGlgFST9-NpE5WznvplilFjWGmqAYcLX17jqONGfvwjiHaXNP3CFUst2YxhQXinvQ8hpQtlC3HLMn20g/s1600/Valentines+day+Bed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioHj7EYD5Hss1lST-2IHeBBPHMMsxKWoyKJgXpF5OypfQbYegkJZ6rKsfrP01fQGlgFST9-NpE5WznvplilFjWGmqAYcLX17jqONGfvwjiHaXNP3CFUst2YxhQXinvQ8hpQtlC3HLMn20g/s400/Valentines+day+Bed.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">He gave me a heart bracelet and a teddy bear and I gave him a t-shirt and some chocolates. At last I had my perfect Valentines Day. It stayed perfect for a total of thirty minutes until I called him to tell him thank you and another girl, one of my friends, answered the phone. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Chelsea also got a heart bracelet that year. Mine ended up inthe field behind my house February 15th. The two bags of kisses he scattered all over my floor, however, ended up in my belly.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I eat my feelings. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Ninth Grade </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Boy gave me a hamburger and a milkshake. That he picked up on his way to my house at 11:45 P.M. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">He also wrote a poem: It goes like this - </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">"What is a BIG MAC like you doing SHAKING with a SMALL FRY like me?" </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Naturally I ate them and my sadness. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl6erwUbbfcmSm6Xz92bQIAIbT5UYOysWne5fQob63472DEYQzZUQC-WEEiXnkzziUo3Tem4x3aPYYHNYgvJTcRF5Mso5Uv11zmQOeMn8xhL25GDRuiHi8dcRC6YVT-c8gZMsKNnzOT_Nr/s1600/mcdonalds+v-day.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl6erwUbbfcmSm6Xz92bQIAIbT5UYOysWne5fQob63472DEYQzZUQC-WEEiXnkzziUo3Tem4x3aPYYHNYgvJTcRF5Mso5Uv11zmQOeMn8xhL25GDRuiHi8dcRC6YVT-c8gZMsKNnzOT_Nr/s400/mcdonalds+v-day.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Tenth grade: I'm 80% sure I was single. My friends were not. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Solution: Ice cream</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidXuylAZPJ2NAmov8KdDGCZH8nI7xfoHcXxgG79kAT2OQ62wlRsAX3ORznAmJ2YSIhRixgQ_y_q44EJdcOAQpXXoM07UuvBqTg09aYdXxHaTOYCM8SI0H5ErRj1-f1Bs5mVbLZL8YA-31Q/s1600/ice+cream+valentines+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidXuylAZPJ2NAmov8KdDGCZH8nI7xfoHcXxgG79kAT2OQ62wlRsAX3ORznAmJ2YSIhRixgQ_y_q44EJdcOAQpXXoM07UuvBqTg09aYdXxHaTOYCM8SI0H5ErRj1-f1Bs5mVbLZL8YA-31Q/s400/ice+cream+valentines+1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Eleventh grade:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTcjcLIW-5XmJSBhNI9kXzCZSuiSuYJm0o_WaF7__eJJMxA78yTHrdaapkQsxWcqWNSWOvS4pM5KDW6ec-dMd1Ke1BHb9VkGU1EYFNbUIwoZ1FNKQc16er-849IcYVrxFsBjWMQdkG8fdA/s1600/V-day+random+musings.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTcjcLIW-5XmJSBhNI9kXzCZSuiSuYJm0o_WaF7__eJJMxA78yTHrdaapkQsxWcqWNSWOvS4pM5KDW6ec-dMd1Ke1BHb9VkGU1EYFNbUIwoZ1FNKQc16er-849IcYVrxFsBjWMQdkG8fdA/s400/V-day+random+musings.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Solution: Even more Ice Cream</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIThPRS-JIrUsK4SiBXKJ2mHFNrRoJ7GD7_7nA_rgCYUj01BNjyKK4X5krTxUKvIixsii7B7-Q9iSkuQbINAw-UbvacvW0e5UCopeCcIqBbgYgGi-X7tc-IwHWS1PsZnhJYa6Aqmj3FVyW/s1600/ice+cream+valentines.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIThPRS-JIrUsK4SiBXKJ2mHFNrRoJ7GD7_7nA_rgCYUj01BNjyKK4X5krTxUKvIixsii7B7-Q9iSkuQbINAw-UbvacvW0e5UCopeCcIqBbgYgGi-X7tc-IwHWS1PsZnhJYa6Aqmj3FVyW/s400/ice+cream+valentines.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Senior Year:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I had a great boy, a thoughtful and specific gift wrapped and ready for him to open and high hopes of the perfect Valentines Day, and an even better night. (wink wink) </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I didn't see him at school that day, but kept my phone close by just waiting for the happy V-day text message. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">When he didn't make contact by 4:00 I texted him. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">He didn't respond. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">The perfect boy had forgotten all about Valentines day and went up to a cabin without service for three days. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Heart = Broken</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Stomach = Fully Functional ad Filling up. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTdRcBuOLvJ8gQnHhpHvUch5VZ7oxFjtifMsSj8i9sWbi0zFRqKWA_S-3SnXv3PVSB2liP9Hbb2T5KDrjOu8M1FpuMPKGMWfMnL253bLF-EQBs_knjOJpMkQBc4jgccgzciRkLvnKUPnhn/s1600/Too+much+Ice+Cream.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTdRcBuOLvJ8gQnHhpHvUch5VZ7oxFjtifMsSj8i9sWbi0zFRqKWA_S-3SnXv3PVSB2liP9Hbb2T5KDrjOu8M1FpuMPKGMWfMnL253bLF-EQBs_knjOJpMkQBc4jgccgzciRkLvnKUPnhn/s400/Too+much+Ice+Cream.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I ate LOTS of Ice Cream that year. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">2009 - Freshman year of college</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">The boy from the year before left on a sabbatical to Canada and I was so anti-male that I would purposely be mean to them in class. Nonetheless, my friend needed a wingman for V-day with a new boy and I, being the self sacrificing saint that I am, agreed to tag along.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">My date had the longest bowl cut hair I've ever seen. It looked horrid. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">They made us dinner, which consisted of overcooked spaghetti smothered in four cans of ragu and some pre-sliced french bread from Walmart. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCDRXhK1G-ESt2eEVotydGUdzr3chNUS5V3MbE36l6zBq0MGK0zfxg-ONGBwaxydpaQdrACGSs07JqeXoMsw_6suAiVt9mhBUiP6dwtu9H4uKl2r1uuNC4D0Ae5H-cgFimy3FeBAd6dA_8/s1600/09+v-day+dinner.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCDRXhK1G-ESt2eEVotydGUdzr3chNUS5V3MbE36l6zBq0MGK0zfxg-ONGBwaxydpaQdrACGSs07JqeXoMsw_6suAiVt9mhBUiP6dwtu9H4uKl2r1uuNC4D0Ae5H-cgFimy3FeBAd6dA_8/s400/09+v-day+dinner.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">they told us "they" were dessert.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Gag. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">They then forced me to watch a movie. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">They chose a scary movie, on Valentines day. Most likely this was a ploy to facilitate close seating arrangement and frightened clinging. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">It certainly worked, I clung to the edge of the love seat they made me share with hippy hair and he vehemently tried to pull me onto his lap. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixP_5-4IpRmD4pfNf8C6w-dlDuz-skonHC29SpDR6SFsBA-f48Z8OiOQmKmbB2HbPaf0bZgQjUHFe6BrUaHhIQqFPlcsXo8JIBYD33Y7L996-m3l2oBd-YOSenAXYGBxA1lsKIR9pu1L3H/s1600/09+valentines+love+seat.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixP_5-4IpRmD4pfNf8C6w-dlDuz-skonHC29SpDR6SFsBA-f48Z8OiOQmKmbB2HbPaf0bZgQjUHFe6BrUaHhIQqFPlcsXo8JIBYD33Y7L996-m3l2oBd-YOSenAXYGBxA1lsKIR9pu1L3H/s400/09+valentines+love+seat.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">My friend owed me big time for tackling this grenade. (not that I tackled him, in fact I stayed as far away as the Loveseat permitted) </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">She paid up in the form of her famously fattening cookies. That I stole from her house. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I devoured 15 cookies just on the way home. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And we stopped for Cadbury eggs. Because I love those. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I doubt I would have fit on the Loveseat post-date. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">The suggested caloric intake for someone my height and weight is somehwere around 1700 calories per day. On Valentines day I unfailingly quadruple that suggestion and then sneak a few hundred more. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Valentines day hates me. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">After lots and lots of days at the gym the V-day Weight will slowly unhinge itselft from my love-handles, but it always returns the following year with a vengeance. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Since then I've barricaded myself in my house every February 14th, where I happen to be now, and I've decided to permanently re-name Valentines Day. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I now refer to February 14th as the National Acquisition of Chub day. Because that's what we do, we acquire Chub. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> No matter how your Valentines Day ends up, you'll be packing on at least a few extra pounds this year. You may not be guzzling four cartons of ice cream, which I may or may not have done last year.... but you're sampling those chocolates he gave you or trying to get your money's worth out of the $50 dinner he just paid for. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">So if my pants look a little tighter tomorrow, my curves are extra curvy or my cheeks look even more bloated than usual.... you know why.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Valentines Day hates me. </div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-45159967374556686432011-02-03T18:44:00.000-07:002012-06-25T17:25:58.844-06:00One Line Deal Breakers<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While wandering around in the world of mingling singles there are certain things that make or break a relationship. Some deal breakers manifest themselves over time; like a bad habit of chomping gum, habitual lying, the inability to clean up after ones-self, a secret world of warcraft addiction, complete and utter stupidity, an aversion to babies etc. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Some things, however, are automatic deal breakers; One liners that guarantee things are over (or at least should be for most self respecting adults).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">These single phrase relationship slayers can be lethal in any context, like "My ex was so much better than you" or setting sensitive. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While commenting on how adorable your future children will be is perfectly acceptable after you've got the wedding band tan line, it is entirely inappropriate for a first date. Especially if you'd like a second. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In case you haven't figured out dating taboos yet and the importance of timing, I've compiled this list of one liners to stay away from as you journey along your dating time-line. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">After You're 18</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">On The First Date </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">After the Second Date</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When You're Showing Her Your Place</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">After First Base </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Basically Anytime</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Before He Meets Your Parents</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">After She Meets Your Parents</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">After Three Months</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ten Months After You're "Official" </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">On Your First Anniversary</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When You're Engaged</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When She's Pregnant </span></div>
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</div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-63359765075571220012011-01-17T14:31:00.000-07:002012-06-25T17:25:08.238-06:00The Tomato Fiasco<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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When I was in the 7<sup>th</sup> grade I was soooo popular. I had myself convinced that everyone wanted to</div>
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a) be friends with me </div>
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b) “go out” with me or </div>
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c) be me. </div>
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I later found out that none of these things were true, in fact most of my 13 year old peers either didn’t know who I was or thought I was a great big jerk, which to be honest, I kind of was.</div>
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I only tell you this to set the scene, to illuminate for you the great social heights from which I thought I fell in the course of this unfortunate event, and just how detrimental to my imaginary social status it really was. </div>
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We, the “cool kids” (or so I thought) hung out in the back of the school during lunch. This is where the back door of the cafeteria can be found, and where the dumpsters that house all of the left over, rotten or undesirable food is kept. Why the self proclaimed “popular” crowd decided standing around smelly dumpsters in the closest thing to an ally for miles around is beyond me, but there we were. </div>
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The rest of the girls and I were clustered against the wall gossiping about the latest chick fight and discussing crushes. The group of boys we followed around, because lets be truthful the majority of 7<sup>th</sup> grade boys haven’t quite figured out girls are interesting yet, were playing very close to, in, and around the garbage’s. Once again, no idea why this was a “cool” activity. </div>
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One of these brilliant boys, Garrett I believe it was, found a stick. This stick was used to poke and prod a box of rotten tomatoes lying on the top of the overflowing dumpster. As the game continued, simply jabbing the spoiled fruit was not enough, they started to dig them out. The observation was made that if you punctured quickly enough you could skewer the tomato on the end of your stick and launch it into the air. This took the game to a new level. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA0rOaG3cAgXVSp8iKBmTitiFF_mMKJgJ51Beq7KP9DM8XzdRMou5WQUmTHhK4BJf-c0bIEhn65Y_oHLaqa8mKwfUQf3YfgM9ni_CZhTfJcgWdHt7jrCuEciBZmbSkscHWZrYj9aAJj4f1/s1600/Tomatoe+Fiasco+watching.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA0rOaG3cAgXVSp8iKBmTitiFF_mMKJgJ51Beq7KP9DM8XzdRMou5WQUmTHhK4BJf-c0bIEhn65Y_oHLaqa8mKwfUQf3YfgM9ni_CZhTfJcgWdHt7jrCuEciBZmbSkscHWZrYj9aAJj4f1/s400/Tomatoe+Fiasco+watching.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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As we watched the boys catapult rotten fruit at the houses across the fence we should have registered that the odds of this activity reaping benefits were slim to none, but we stood idle by nonetheless. </div>
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The game escalated once more. </div>
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The houses were a long distance target. The school, on the other hand, was a close range target. They could hone their target skills better on a closer target than on the far away homes. Tomato throwing at the school commenced. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrufmfRMKnO1tmxEBLua3-ezwzX5mN2PCsuPtbt4SEqMJYdKjgLCMSFkfhr-zaYTl7uyCFfEt5SJy5FfxJmTUbBug3_S15Y76q0dDpcoRtH0YDkHYQG6j-Nv_Fw9TkOTcgzcKgB0i9w-M5/s1600/Tomato+Launch+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrufmfRMKnO1tmxEBLua3-ezwzX5mN2PCsuPtbt4SEqMJYdKjgLCMSFkfhr-zaYTl7uyCFfEt5SJy5FfxJmTUbBug3_S15Y76q0dDpcoRtH0YDkHYQG6j-Nv_Fw9TkOTcgzcKgB0i9w-M5/s400/Tomato+Launch+1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSSFn8TixX6rqBOIz2dIv-HkQdEIQGV9XmtjMZEyYkSKApYMkEN7QRgsJ4tyvUw504egBGr-lEKjB3fyLyBGLkjnGqN-U-7BHp6nMgAjY8HmA-VJUmheJ0UJyhZWvqnRsDMrRtt8sOni4o/s1600/Tomato+Launch+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSSFn8TixX6rqBOIz2dIv-HkQdEIQGV9XmtjMZEyYkSKApYMkEN7QRgsJ4tyvUw504egBGr-lEKjB3fyLyBGLkjnGqN-U-7BHp6nMgAjY8HmA-VJUmheJ0UJyhZWvqnRsDMrRtt8sOni4o/s400/Tomato+Launch+2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I will take this moment to illustrate one of the three basic laws of physics.</div>
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For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. In other words, what goes up</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidaKfS3PaHR7r-eol_uU9gzCc5B0pmcnnE-JlJh4T7wkVak010amkxzdLqVJeE5RbcZlVsA8eN6b0SNI0y7Ubx22m0-GGZOu2WmuJsp7xbgd5DfBiIgC4swDAbOyDFA_ZU0TgGaghPfg2T/s1600/Tomato+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidaKfS3PaHR7r-eol_uU9gzCc5B0pmcnnE-JlJh4T7wkVak010amkxzdLqVJeE5RbcZlVsA8eN6b0SNI0y7Ubx22m0-GGZOu2WmuJsp7xbgd5DfBiIgC4swDAbOyDFA_ZU0TgGaghPfg2T/s400/Tomato+3.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh96aoLY8xGZe5cpL_qj11iGCh0-rWCb8sV1F5rEhDGmh9PiEHuVfPbWqpjWghXjn3W02Qfu7k8cRpPzTDeqN3FduOqHsHPi08rkXXjejn12qqd699PppHriFROhqk-KTGVGkSFeDmpEy-f/s1600/Tomato+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh96aoLY8xGZe5cpL_qj11iGCh0-rWCb8sV1F5rEhDGmh9PiEHuVfPbWqpjWghXjn3W02Qfu7k8cRpPzTDeqN3FduOqHsHPi08rkXXjejn12qqd699PppHriFROhqk-KTGVGkSFeDmpEy-f/s400/Tomato+2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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must come down.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrwqvz1ZqYZsR05TRNAkKKvryvny0mglK2GukVRb6BSD7a8JosYiD_FVexFDAEy7R1mxjJ8RqeJg51wTaYpLnjkJgfomJ2t0an_IGjoVo0jw9PJ0c880Gn7-K0VCnoqHtKsN5TUOMh2898/s1600/Tomato+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrwqvz1ZqYZsR05TRNAkKKvryvny0mglK2GukVRb6BSD7a8JosYiD_FVexFDAEy7R1mxjJ8RqeJg51wTaYpLnjkJgfomJ2t0an_IGjoVo0jw9PJ0c880Gn7-K0VCnoqHtKsN5TUOMh2898/s400/Tomato+1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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And the tomato came down. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlb3Rrk3sjD5KEgaHZl1Bk3Rb4l78C3Hjg33OqaDxGhMLPaMxMuZzV163jZowJbce_Jy_NQGHZcXEjs3w41qQbz_Y9XABj00-pe6wq9xfT-kvFUds0fAUggSGfbDKPuShbpNd6fv3jatTR/s1600/Tomato+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlb3Rrk3sjD5KEgaHZl1Bk3Rb4l78C3Hjg33OqaDxGhMLPaMxMuZzV163jZowJbce_Jy_NQGHZcXEjs3w41qQbz_Y9XABj00-pe6wq9xfT-kvFUds0fAUggSGfbDKPuShbpNd6fv3jatTR/s400/Tomato+4.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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It came down right on my head. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIa7_KdwUJP0fcIrAF37O26i2Vc6h8s3YNWArt1JOyS4vvVZOWvHe2z2LenfH4HyQ85O2pj4uqUdVdI1xuBJI57tv1r-_K1Px9dxbQR20sPlFc0B41yAagKH5y9dMMX0faNoVseEPY896t/s1600/Tomatoe+Head.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIa7_KdwUJP0fcIrAF37O26i2Vc6h8s3YNWArt1JOyS4vvVZOWvHe2z2LenfH4HyQ85O2pj4uqUdVdI1xuBJI57tv1r-_K1Px9dxbQR20sPlFc0B41yAagKH5y9dMMX0faNoVseEPY896t/s400/Tomatoe+Head.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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Thank you Garrett. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfjgm_Y6N0ke322YpmJXwvcVgjJ4UjHVRKMsYkHpFD0w87YnrvYHZw_QYNWN1voH8k7r1Zs_IqIqUKXQHjWesN6uOc-Goq612rWhQlnP9Sl7kG8G_m8FeY5oX4B0tlgB2V2Daw2UThVuGP/s1600/Tomatoe+Head+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfjgm_Y6N0ke322YpmJXwvcVgjJ4UjHVRKMsYkHpFD0w87YnrvYHZw_QYNWN1voH8k7r1Zs_IqIqUKXQHjWesN6uOc-Goq612rWhQlnP9Sl7kG8G_m8FeY5oX4B0tlgB2V2Daw2UThVuGP/s400/Tomatoe+Head+2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I immediately ran into the bathroom to get the rotten fruit out of my hair. My friends didn’t even come into the bathroom to cry with me on what I literally considered to be the worst day of my life.</div>
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My crush saw me get pelted in the head and face splattered with spoiled tomato. Now he would never love me. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkgFD2nk3T3kLAt0vgbidpiaTPRWKU23_kKHcWf_OFW3rptKx0QU-KO43tOqxIU7m0UW4t7p_n_3b0zqIv492kylgtEK_7KNaVHxNTdSe7jBfUmQInGsMPo82atScoRCUAXFRfI27GOunc/s1600/hiding+tomato+fiasco.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkgFD2nk3T3kLAt0vgbidpiaTPRWKU23_kKHcWf_OFW3rptKx0QU-KO43tOqxIU7m0UW4t7p_n_3b0zqIv492kylgtEK_7KNaVHxNTdSe7jBfUmQInGsMPo82atScoRCUAXFRfI27GOunc/s400/hiding+tomato+fiasco.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I stayed in the bathroom for the entire period after lunch. When I finally built up the courage to brave the hallways (which were empty since everyone was in class) and make it to the office to use the phone I was caught by the hall monitors and got a badge-d escort to the front desk. Conveniently that was where I was going anyway, but I now had to recite my embarrassing story to the entire office staff. I spared them no theatrics. I was allowed to borrow the office phone to call my mom. </div>
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I received no sympathy. Apparently tomato head was not a viable condition for missing valuable learning time. I was skipping P.E. </div>
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I had already gotten almost all of the tomato chunkage out of my hair, but fragments were lodged in my twisties that I couldn’t undo without ruining my hair-do. The smell, unfortunately, didn’t dissipate with the tomato morsels. I had to endure all of sixth hour and the hour bus ride home smelling like dumpster fruit.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4XRzeGLWtw5AZrMwhm0-dNL7d_duQeX6AsMJxfQZDIA8aisySsJRwjAqt6qM9ovCAziIy5Eg1iBHmjVR9q1YA1bTr5yVbc4ZjmFIAQdbquDuAODWWlZk4sGSosWijLcouAnj6mvKFtQzK/s1600/tomato+bus.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4XRzeGLWtw5AZrMwhm0-dNL7d_duQeX6AsMJxfQZDIA8aisySsJRwjAqt6qM9ovCAziIy5Eg1iBHmjVR9q1YA1bTr5yVbc4ZjmFIAQdbquDuAODWWlZk4sGSosWijLcouAnj6mvKFtQzK/s400/tomato+bus.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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After that day my popularity dwindled until I was geek enough to join the debate team in high school and only date boys from other schools. </div>
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And that is how Garrett and a tomato ruined my high school career.<br />
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</div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-89452753080664931522011-01-13T23:28:00.000-07:002011-02-15T20:17:43.987-07:00Dish Nazi<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Part of growing up and becoming a responsible adult is moving out of your parent's house and learning to cohabitate with people you're not biologically programmed to love. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Living away from your mother means the constant nagging to clean your room, wake up on time and eat your peas is no longer present... for some people this is the perfect chance to grow some responsibility and learn to do those things on your own. For others it's a free pass to no longer clean anything, sleep until noon and adopt a diet of pizza, Mt. dew and ramen. While I am guilty of indulging in the occasional sleeping binge and literally ate leftover birthday cake for lunch a majority of the month of December, I am proud to say that I have mastered at least one of the skills our mothers hope we acquire in college. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know how to clean.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you were to look into my bedroom right now, you might not believe me since I have a chair-full of discarded shirts at the moment... but they're all clean, I just decided to write this post instead of hang them back up after deciding what to wear last night. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You will not find, however, any of my clothing in the communal areas of my apartment. Nor will you find any of my food sitting out on the counter, rings on the coffee table from any of my cups or my shoes littering the front door. I have discovered the important distinction between private and public domain. You can make a mess and clean it at your leisure in your own room, on your bed and in your own car. You cannot turn the front room into a collect-all for your gear and pick it up weeks later when you "feel like it", nor can you make a five course meal and leave the dishes in the sink until you need those particular pans again. Doing your dishes is NECESSARY if you intend on keeping non-hostile roommates. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Especially if you live with me. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am the dish nazi. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you have had the unfortunate experience of living with me, you probably know this. The only roommate who would argue with this assessment is Elise, and that's only because she's so much more OCD about cleaning than I am that I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up in a mental institution wearing gloves and sanitizing the walls later in life. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, I always do my dishes. Right when I'm done using them they go in the dish washer. If the dishwasher is full, I do them by hand. I do not leave dirty dishes in the sink. I do dishes at other people's homes. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dish Nazi. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="text-decoration: underline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Reasons to do the dishes:</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1) If people come over, they think you're super gross. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2) Leftover food rots, which is malodorous. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3) Three day old caked on food is much harder to get off than fresh food. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4) Rodents</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5) Ants and other creepy things that crawl</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6) Mildew scent starts to permeate the entire house, soon you're the smelly unit and your neighbors hate you. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7) Bacteria. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">8) You shouldn't need 8 freakin reasons to do your dishes, if you don't do them, you are kind of nasty. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If I happen to find a big pile of someone else's dishes, I will usually just do them. </span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEUNwG9t8JtLdQSvKRsiACB9C6PtVGU7O9UdZrzvvBEqHKQhsFvXlExXGMoiY9IYXRUYps1TCKhrR7SI98NPWDWkxS140INDWcR6q81NOgZCR9_NuaO3rBd0igPXmxgbAh4JCI46zh5i4o/s1600/Dishes+-+happy.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEUNwG9t8JtLdQSvKRsiACB9C6PtVGU7O9UdZrzvvBEqHKQhsFvXlExXGMoiY9IYXRUYps1TCKhrR7SI98NPWDWkxS140INDWcR6q81NOgZCR9_NuaO3rBd0igPXmxgbAh4JCI46zh5i4o/s400/Dishes+-+happy.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If a few days later I happen find another pile, I will do them again.... </span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRYBG66NeXT53qTnOVM274JqHvC0MTHGTMcz9KKHhgXhtXpEYzXPPIGDYK6GvfTe9x4GVPqRRvkXGqY8iCVrZCWfU-fGlY0id8lMhkjLEBQ0pRHVcpfnFaWv7owN9mcBm9AzKFZVgN_naH/s1600/Dishes+-+less+happy.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRYBG66NeXT53qTnOVM274JqHvC0MTHGTMcz9KKHhgXhtXpEYzXPPIGDYK6GvfTe9x4GVPqRRvkXGqY8iCVrZCWfU-fGlY0id8lMhkjLEBQ0pRHVcpfnFaWv7owN9mcBm9AzKFZVgN_naH/s400/Dishes+-+less+happy.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By the third or fourth pile within a short amount of time I start to get angry. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivbKH_ARXtS7t08BgOdyOErKTIo44kfMp7HOHzOsH-ertMj3TDU00_YA1PpRv4FI-S0JHxEq-_1T2eSiSynmxKIrve0juRbNKtDf2vEGGkdOt-Ijfp-p1HGzP1zT2EzY2t6npqx5DBNXae/s1600/Dishes+-+grumpy.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivbKH_ARXtS7t08BgOdyOErKTIo44kfMp7HOHzOsH-ertMj3TDU00_YA1PpRv4FI-S0JHxEq-_1T2eSiSynmxKIrve0juRbNKtDf2vEGGkdOt-Ijfp-p1HGzP1zT2EzY2t6npqx5DBNXae/s400/Dishes+-+grumpy.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is not difficult to do dishes, it's a rather simple chore, especially if you have a dishwasher. If you have time to make scrambled eggs every morning you should have time to rinse out the pan and throw it in the dishwasher. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you are one of the dirty dish collection contributors please stop pretending that you are:</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A) letting them "soak" for three days </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">B) Saving all seven of those cups for later</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">C) Conserving water </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">D) Conserving dish-soap</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">E) Saving them so you have something to do later. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just do your dang dishes. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is almost always at least one culprit per roommate infested dwelling who refuses to learn the dishwashing art. Since I've moved five times in the last three years and had five separate sets of roommates, i've come up with an enforcement program for the non-dish-doers. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To encourage dish-doing, drop subtle hints about the state of the sink in overly-loud conversations. Make sure you're close enough that they can hear you. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVrqm6ZPQ18VxD9BN-YeelSqiJDADq_rDni3xsJ1zXrHEHWBS64MLvRxqSzyYy0NAQi6P6gJQTpi2axl6E_RIgGbfotbL0YKQZd4VmVV5F_XALmO9y9ykRBBJiWGRUEVEqd6HgG-9HIB5s/s1600/loud+dishes+conversation.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVrqm6ZPQ18VxD9BN-YeelSqiJDADq_rDni3xsJ1zXrHEHWBS64MLvRxqSzyYy0NAQi6P6gJQTpi2axl6E_RIgGbfotbL0YKQZd4VmVV5F_XALmO9y9ykRBBJiWGRUEVEqd6HgG-9HIB5s/s400/loud+dishes+conversation.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If they haven't gotten the hint after measure numero uno, I leave a nice note. I make sure to include lots of smileys and x's and o's so everyone stays happy. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcAmfT5DX7HZpDVxJ5jKOtj_NP-Z4Jo3OEYDFDfN7zBX0fyp92054PUxrna_UWNNKA_MvjbccvuloftqH_X2LlT3JG0QWdsyzb7opeSmIlbc5UIzRM0WwP_k3KpnRqOkMsoJv3zvm-mzDJ/s1600/Dishes+note.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcAmfT5DX7HZpDVxJ5jKOtj_NP-Z4Jo3OEYDFDfN7zBX0fyp92054PUxrna_UWNNKA_MvjbccvuloftqH_X2LlT3JG0QWdsyzb7opeSmIlbc5UIzRM0WwP_k3KpnRqOkMsoJv3zvm-mzDJ/s320/Dishes+note.png" width="320" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Within a day of writing this sweet note the dishes are almost always done, Mission accomplished. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wrong. A dish leaver will continue to leave dishes until you break them of the habit. Subsequent notes are always warranted. The second should still be nice, maybe try an appeal to humor. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcAmfT5DX7HZpDVxJ5jKOtj_NP-Z4Jo3OEYDFDfN7zBX0fyp92054PUxrna_UWNNKA_MvjbccvuloftqH_X2LlT3JG0QWdsyzb7opeSmIlbc5UIzRM0WwP_k3KpnRqOkMsoJv3zvm-mzDJ/s1600/Dishes+note.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMy1e1ogspYEy0eQu504JJauP-69wqENwFo7Xc9aNRiKxGnfg5-u0m5sLoE1oww_-9HILTr3DVuQz7W5xgyfjUjIqBY8Gyavs0n8Z0_2-zWFWv80Oi6E6vgH2RwqOxP_nq7tzPnPuhxPo4/s1600/Dishes+note+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMy1e1ogspYEy0eQu504JJauP-69wqENwFo7Xc9aNRiKxGnfg5-u0m5sLoE1oww_-9HILTr3DVuQz7W5xgyfjUjIqBY8Gyavs0n8Z0_2-zWFWv80Oi6E6vgH2RwqOxP_nq7tzPnPuhxPo4/s320/Dishes+note+1.png" width="320" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If he/she still hasn't found the dishwasher after the second nice note is left, harsher measures are called for. I then break out the blunt note. There are not smilies or graphics in this note, but I make sure to at least add thanks or something to the bottom to avoid a roommate blowout. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1fa75ILWr5cDff_INWAGRJwXoc7SfkSJTLb2kv-osbn0tuyVnkNWJrq4aTQppocs43WMPr_hCnwrnCd1_n4L9qLhm88urkQzmedvkSiXdmsy4pTu0jvlOweXPKuwsVPlOwlaLGUu3mn_r/s1600/Dishes+note+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1fa75ILWr5cDff_INWAGRJwXoc7SfkSJTLb2kv-osbn0tuyVnkNWJrq4aTQppocs43WMPr_hCnwrnCd1_n4L9qLhm88urkQzmedvkSiXdmsy4pTu0jvlOweXPKuwsVPlOwlaLGUu3mn_r/s320/Dishes+note+2.png" width="320" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Note #4 should be mean. USE ALL CAPS. DEPENDING ON YOUR RAGE LEVEL, MAKE A MOM REFERENCE.</span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYqLlw0ZRivRaM1B5B2VFeZyfeUNbEneYFFh81y2W8qMKFhEPjmO-EMALS6A3yyVfekqrj__WCpan-Sg9eySkomfpjpE_f_3vX28DepXpWXpXrIC3PVmQHHS9kKAsLEJ92vAXUpuJQR4Ro/s1600/Dishes+note+3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYqLlw0ZRivRaM1B5B2VFeZyfeUNbEneYFFh81y2W8qMKFhEPjmO-EMALS6A3yyVfekqrj__WCpan-Sg9eySkomfpjpE_f_3vX28DepXpWXpXrIC3PVmQHHS9kKAsLEJ92vAXUpuJQR4Ro/s320/Dishes+note+3.png" width="320" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This almost always works. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ALMOST always. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If after the mean note I still end up loading the dishwasher with other people's dishes, I have to resort to an all out dish strike. This is not an easy feat for me. I think about the undone dishes all day long. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtw3EFLUb21up7IHT00Qhn7Q5sl4tfkxiPRkjFRCaZ1bNvpIbCU_HXk14JIrBIRssuvmsdti3E4tRfIYVaqfAGwRBzNRuXrDLM8dIEC4ksYZUSEssUguJRs8JxIhEG2znuDt-AcCPnrlcd/s1600/dishes+thoughts+-+movie.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtw3EFLUb21up7IHT00Qhn7Q5sl4tfkxiPRkjFRCaZ1bNvpIbCU_HXk14JIrBIRssuvmsdti3E4tRfIYVaqfAGwRBzNRuXrDLM8dIEC4ksYZUSEssUguJRs8JxIhEG2znuDt-AcCPnrlcd/s400/dishes+thoughts+-+movie.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwmBUtMvGmEbFHn6UjYaG5Z-b7A7LJ98zgapIBfbrpyZHfaseFaUjz43Egrysrj9HbCRoaitxOlqDvfA8ZMHwM94G94Ohoux8Hw_STv8sBmZqGaNJUy8xWDavJM8b1g12pVzfUyI6KLvLg/s1600/Dishes+thoughts+-+running.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwmBUtMvGmEbFHn6UjYaG5Z-b7A7LJ98zgapIBfbrpyZHfaseFaUjz43Egrysrj9HbCRoaitxOlqDvfA8ZMHwM94G94Ohoux8Hw_STv8sBmZqGaNJUy8xWDavJM8b1g12pVzfUyI6KLvLg/s400/Dishes+thoughts+-+running.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBYQca9lebUpnhR0Wq2CjLQVv4HcazDGi2Mm-t8DQtEjC1CusfsZFqITJOc68-uP7rX34ZbEJ1LH8ZczWp2czRzaKezV2-eTks3-urkzP-NP62bMo6lJwK7FvK63Jku4Q9Ns1W4g4LqINo/s1600/Dishes+thoughts+-+sleeping.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBYQca9lebUpnhR0Wq2CjLQVv4HcazDGi2Mm-t8DQtEjC1CusfsZFqITJOc68-uP7rX34ZbEJ1LH8ZczWp2czRzaKezV2-eTks3-urkzP-NP62bMo6lJwK7FvK63Jku4Q9Ns1W4g4LqINo/s400/Dishes+thoughts+-+sleeping.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At the end of one particular dish strike I had a mental breakdown. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alison had left her vegan pancake party dishes in the sink for a full 2 weeks, despite my progression of notes. They were horrid looking and smelling when she made them since they lacked eggs, milk, and anything else normal humans recognize as food, but after two weeks they were beyond rank. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was time for drastic measures. I readied the fifth note. </span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ4Hi7JDkyQNz6gKaSuKIzEfdcMjmngIDv8mM0AEN_GDJgQ7KOIhFCfzUzHUAtZKIRh5-DOwojOLGmM859BWTJf1nuFxd-ahbzyTHbKABoHaZoeT7y8gpscCplspzOqi_86rik6rZz9686/s1600/dishes+note+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ4Hi7JDkyQNz6gKaSuKIzEfdcMjmngIDv8mM0AEN_GDJgQ7KOIhFCfzUzHUAtZKIRh5-DOwojOLGmM859BWTJf1nuFxd-ahbzyTHbKABoHaZoeT7y8gpscCplspzOqi_86rik6rZz9686/s400/dishes+note+4.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And placed it with her smelly, syrup soaked dishes... </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_036k6d9J2vynr_DkzNX8ZG20b-Z4y9bkN0G9iz-DSI1L5H8im3fMWf2cOtZHywBPmnvTttgHmePNpzI3q3ZNAsMwJEi9rQkUtjTHSLeW2E5fjM2i5hbQEJ4pcNdDt2BVs2vcP2R9OUrn/s1600/alex%2527s+bed.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_036k6d9J2vynr_DkzNX8ZG20b-Z4y9bkN0G9iz-DSI1L5H8im3fMWf2cOtZHywBPmnvTttgHmePNpzI3q3ZNAsMwJEi9rQkUtjTHSLeW2E5fjM2i5hbQEJ4pcNdDt2BVs2vcP2R9OUrn/s400/alex%2527s+bed.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">.... on her unmade hemp-sheets. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh, and since we, the dish police of 465 North, owned all of the dishes in use, we took the liberty of removing them from the kitchen. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We relocated every pot, pan, plate and utensil to our rooms in the basement and held them hostage until the rest of the house solemnly swore to do their dishes. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We got our own mean note back from Alison but from then on she did her dishes</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">.... and we took to drawing faces on all of the meat we kept in the fridge. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... She moved out shortly thereafter... </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Moral of the story: Don't be a gross-o. Do your dishes or someone might accidentally get stale syrup and vegan pancakes on your bed. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-66400906426944481372010-12-14T23:27:00.000-07:002011-02-15T20:18:41.315-07:00Eaves-ing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Every once in a while we stumble upon a conversation that, even though it's not ours, captures our attention. Don't pretend you don't do it, because that would make me the only creep who loves mentally weighing in other people's convos.... plus we both know you're totally into it. Some people just talk too loud or discuss too interesting of topics to ignore, despite our best efforts. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">As with all of the social faux pas I write about, I have extensive experience in the art of eavesing. I say eavesing because there are many forms of the eaves. There is your standard eavesdropping, eaves-bombing, eaves-reading, eaves-texting, eaves-watching etc. - And I've done them all. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Although I probably shouldn't broadcast my ample background eavesing on the internet, especially when the only people who read this know me... I feel you all benefit from my bloopers. With this post I hope to improve your ability to listen in on conversations in which you are not welcome, to become privy to the chitchat not meant for your ears and smoothly maneuver your way out of those sticky situations that inevitably follow a shoddily executed eaves-session. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">The trick is to not get caught whilst listening in. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfPRXkOMOzmlKz6ath_vLjXYzNpDK-qgcYH8dszbhGegFzfHcRPLzkzIJSCNOu59LqK_QE5tAUnquxHeWqN8WUBmddEDGh9ccK13e4kd2qs2550Wlvfkr54zylkZiAxwr509ebQPdKI2MD/s1600/Flirty+eavesdropping.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfPRXkOMOzmlKz6ath_vLjXYzNpDK-qgcYH8dszbhGegFzfHcRPLzkzIJSCNOu59LqK_QE5tAUnquxHeWqN8WUBmddEDGh9ccK13e4kd2qs2550Wlvfkr54zylkZiAxwr509ebQPdKI2MD/s400/Flirty+eavesdropping.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh21UcOarnEfscoBUa6fAVbOCbRRIlzbu0ZWubj9cm2bw0JPMco04UBcgJiTVo3uZldj-kZsso3RVFaRaU8mzIZKhR4uKNWjoe5He5Zx-rv9CyFc7gqdR9W-vtc2qREayqxBsHC1369joeg/s1600/Flirty+eavesdropping+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh21UcOarnEfscoBUa6fAVbOCbRRIlzbu0ZWubj9cm2bw0JPMco04UBcgJiTVo3uZldj-kZsso3RVFaRaU8mzIZKhR4uKNWjoe5He5Zx-rv9CyFc7gqdR9W-vtc2qREayqxBsHC1369joeg/s400/Flirty+eavesdropping+2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwzVTH12_E8J5i0MGzmJMU64qUgmoDkoVcdL_5JwhkMu_hGL6GqcbE5gZVKmlf__D62v6k7qJTMCcarzgs7vtg4XAPBJuSC-DLsSOqBJorQUWunEAOUvjORQ1T_RocSt2BTDbW3T9jn7Gs/s1600/Flirty+eavesdropping+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwzVTH12_E8J5i0MGzmJMU64qUgmoDkoVcdL_5JwhkMu_hGL6GqcbE5gZVKmlf__D62v6k7qJTMCcarzgs7vtg4XAPBJuSC-DLsSOqBJorQUWunEAOUvjORQ1T_RocSt2BTDbW3T9jn7Gs/s400/Flirty+eavesdropping+3.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Some conversations are just too epic to pass up laughing out loud to though. Sometimes a good chuckle is well worth the discomfort of getting caught. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw6BHHZKLNvnKySTt6JlLPKfvsdFnkyNkpr4LpRwn-0sAB-Dj4-HNmdOIl3Hr1l_ihyphenhyphenqBhRKgVEuc9g7YH0tdDTCQ_FOCgrzprEmBMe44KIpwpwyxjdtFt2LD5Wn8Lah4plj06ikQ2luPB/s1600/Flirty+eavesdropping+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw6BHHZKLNvnKySTt6JlLPKfvsdFnkyNkpr4LpRwn-0sAB-Dj4-HNmdOIl3Hr1l_ihyphenhyphenqBhRKgVEuc9g7YH0tdDTCQ_FOCgrzprEmBMe44KIpwpwyxjdtFt2LD5Wn8Lah4plj06ikQ2luPB/s400/Flirty+eavesdropping+5.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggekqGLpEMC3crI1rboLXmNtDcf1EoszJk_vviK1JqBzIjaaKglpFfymxQuSfKmMsik0gJ-OeUuLMkkFRwK_1fb40PHjcWZ4SkRYM59TIDE5YyjcXBdLmJvpGzLOKYYCZ1GwLJqskh84ul/s1600/Flirty+eavesdropping+6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggekqGLpEMC3crI1rboLXmNtDcf1EoszJk_vviK1JqBzIjaaKglpFfymxQuSfKmMsik0gJ-OeUuLMkkFRwK_1fb40PHjcWZ4SkRYM59TIDE5YyjcXBdLmJvpGzLOKYYCZ1GwLJqskh84ul/s400/Flirty+eavesdropping+6.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Beyond the typical eavesdrop lay the even more awkward levels of eavesing... Most notably, the Eaves-bomb.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">The Eaves-bomb occurs when you're lending an ear to someone else's discussion and decide to interject your opinion into their dialogue, despite that fact that you were not the one being spoken to .</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">The eaves-bomb is rarely intentional. It's almost always a result of heightened emotion and the inability to keep your mouth shut and your two cents to yourself. It starts simply with a harmless eavesdrop.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_JRGbNnqJ9ar1dKM4lb1-10IJFuco2NQbOYEThw45woEi0m0-o6RhNDTrEQzhnu4fwHNFIreCybWyepvBBq-zMrlg0SVG5vS_3BojBRqiz3joXxptpeEuJlszOSWPR2VoTzOBom15BsKq/s1600/Eavedropping+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_JRGbNnqJ9ar1dKM4lb1-10IJFuco2NQbOYEThw45woEi0m0-o6RhNDTrEQzhnu4fwHNFIreCybWyepvBBq-zMrlg0SVG5vS_3BojBRqiz3joXxptpeEuJlszOSWPR2VoTzOBom15BsKq/s400/Eavedropping+1.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">When you realize they're talking about something you have a vested interest in, you become more and more engaged in what they have to say. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGWeLDJ1nq5XMgB9mDbSq3WnYaOPmqr6ccQ2hyphenhyphenRQamwUMKlDHtYeZMzaY7l3ywcdBuzqGSnuF5L-5W1cJpc61bnsdWjSKaTTfnYFIudSH5z4mOXafN6bHYninfBzM6oHfrWsaXC1BuxIje/s1600/Eavedropping+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGWeLDJ1nq5XMgB9mDbSq3WnYaOPmqr6ccQ2hyphenhyphenRQamwUMKlDHtYeZMzaY7l3ywcdBuzqGSnuF5L-5W1cJpc61bnsdWjSKaTTfnYFIudSH5z4mOXafN6bHYninfBzM6oHfrWsaXC1BuxIje/s400/Eavedropping+2.jpg" width="400" /></a>. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMQoMpc-LY7mcDip6FSYJwAfqJKoKgIvI9uxM3HFdlV-upUuLu795Zyk0wWRQpl4B4Wo7tnkyaENWSpXmIuogTiTTnWOhtPojEGqEoJ2OzwSKrkMcbistn-ZgwIYlzJSK1gzbxEJXORrID/s1600/Eavedropping+2.5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMQoMpc-LY7mcDip6FSYJwAfqJKoKgIvI9uxM3HFdlV-upUuLu795Zyk0wWRQpl4B4Wo7tnkyaENWSpXmIuogTiTTnWOhtPojEGqEoJ2OzwSKrkMcbistn-ZgwIYlzJSK1gzbxEJXORrID/s400/Eavedropping+2.5.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">BOMB! You cut off a member of the actual conversation and interject with your own unique comments. </div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic8MW28Jsk7BeU7zz83tu4sfbQWz9M2ODVM3fU0EaL_I58Hz7WkiRjZMQr9MOXSvu2r6xHmjkmGQzpslJQVNPi8Z6sUnwZ0vqlePPquGxzDeqhjJemvlW4IliyenDAYmKl3n4Ulx4lT3sk/s1600/Eavedropping+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic8MW28Jsk7BeU7zz83tu4sfbQWz9M2ODVM3fU0EaL_I58Hz7WkiRjZMQr9MOXSvu2r6xHmjkmGQzpslJQVNPi8Z6sUnwZ0vqlePPquGxzDeqhjJemvlW4IliyenDAYmKl3n4Ulx4lT3sk/s400/Eavedropping+3.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDu6iAj_6_kje8OLziILGLvfjExxom1W5eqs8xAAUpU0sjGm9ioaIseSUDssb66Hru64kcjDkMHKYwMaup3kkxgXN52hC6dtkDlxTBk4Ss55frsjFx4zlMN2C5zLOVapWr4ejDUyoep68s/s1600/Eavedropping+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDu6iAj_6_kje8OLziILGLvfjExxom1W5eqs8xAAUpU0sjGm9ioaIseSUDssb66Hru64kcjDkMHKYwMaup3kkxgXN52hC6dtkDlxTBk4Ss55frsjFx4zlMN2C5zLOVapWr4ejDUyoep68s/s400/Eavedropping+4.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">You Immediately regret this decision. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1FJ_i03WbxF0UfTB-rojk-xViOIj8BMhPBaI5USNXAlNd81KHnp6Oh-P-vfAoSU3FIglz1lDPoM1RQun9wyEs9Io2O6ilcvCX4UKs9iKobgZvuVTg6jForF6EoxF2drpfzlIu76qxehom/s1600/Eavedropping+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1FJ_i03WbxF0UfTB-rojk-xViOIj8BMhPBaI5USNXAlNd81KHnp6Oh-P-vfAoSU3FIglz1lDPoM1RQun9wyEs9Io2O6ilcvCX4UKs9iKobgZvuVTg6jForF6EoxF2drpfzlIu76qxehom/s400/Eavedropping+5.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">What you should have done is stuck to the silent eavesdrop, kept your lips sealed. Be excited in your seat and to yourself, you do not need to chime in with auxiliary details or added perspective. If in the off chance you do find yourself thrust into this predicament by your inability to stay tight lipped, know that it doesn't have to end horribly wrong. Modern technology has made playing off an eaves-bomb impossibly easy. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB6OIIUIo0QskZ0GjfeYnU0G6JmhehonCr0Y1PfT9N-ILX-ENt4aG1OvdMtfpXW_MX2ztlji-2YrR2T7rbpDwRK1fGnnLv3EfdTFNkGFh3iCW5mZYiGD2P1SwJGp-QPIIWIfvPWUPRCWIK/s1600/Eavedropping+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB6OIIUIo0QskZ0GjfeYnU0G6JmhehonCr0Y1PfT9N-ILX-ENt4aG1OvdMtfpXW_MX2ztlji-2YrR2T7rbpDwRK1fGnnLv3EfdTFNkGFh3iCW5mZYiGD2P1SwJGp-QPIIWIfvPWUPRCWIK/s400/Eavedropping+4.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioZlTQln66s9cVnfg15iKb55KiTDtPePkaoe8wrimw4SrixMSTF-JB1BRRREQuFp7MRA5TC-gy6iqUCMpfuegZr1TzAwGCvjXjDFknBASL_Pee-rg7fWYpKY1qYujxx2Rrs2wB-lyTseif/s1600/Eavedropping+6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioZlTQln66s9cVnfg15iKb55KiTDtPePkaoe8wrimw4SrixMSTF-JB1BRRREQuFp7MRA5TC-gy6iqUCMpfuegZr1TzAwGCvjXjDFknBASL_Pee-rg7fWYpKY1qYujxx2Rrs2wB-lyTseif/s400/Eavedropping+6.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSHEDwJzYI78nioduQbyRHR3v5iqbDrRgWEMRW34QkiRS63On0gCISwy6H41D1G0woP56HEx2gjbnDlFbWNcS26dhWQbNenQ9Abl_DCxXczuZP3kgvMDlTCdzk4cgNge21hACG6mOYRPoZ/s1600/Eavedropping+8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSHEDwJzYI78nioduQbyRHR3v5iqbDrRgWEMRW34QkiRS63On0gCISwy6H41D1G0woP56HEx2gjbnDlFbWNcS26dhWQbNenQ9Abl_DCxXczuZP3kgvMDlTCdzk4cgNge21hACG6mOYRPoZ/s400/Eavedropping+8.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_ZZIEYtXsY1p2DG14MA7k8XeaLyrk73nq9zbRqjgEu4AWBxKZqe620o4O0U-XEtMu5PFbJZbjhLv06oGsw3_sRs2PhqjPGKapGzafBisPsCgUBgf-e3RCDdSRU13hT1BF9lsvoyurFU-W/s1600/Eavedropping+9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_ZZIEYtXsY1p2DG14MA7k8XeaLyrk73nq9zbRqjgEu4AWBxKZqe620o4O0U-XEtMu5PFbJZbjhLv06oGsw3_sRs2PhqjPGKapGzafBisPsCgUBgf-e3RCDdSRU13hT1BF9lsvoyurFU-W/s400/Eavedropping+9.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Continuing beyond the realm of eavesdrops we find the less intense act of eaves-peeping. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">This is by far the easiest of the eaves; it involves peeping at the computer, phone or PDA in order to snoop in someone else's business.<br />
The most common Eaves-peep is the text peep. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXjCDS_sd3JjgeY9oHXx4FjeXadet0-Clns64bW-BmTn7snYnWO3SGTIg0KJRsvbhpLDDSjelJbTpGrMyX6fRBCM4UB12oiI_0MjXANBjimFdkgn99v3moKn-mg0YR-9wYaUUrwi_-RWdQ/s1600/eavestexting.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXjCDS_sd3JjgeY9oHXx4FjeXadet0-Clns64bW-BmTn7snYnWO3SGTIg0KJRsvbhpLDDSjelJbTpGrMyX6fRBCM4UB12oiI_0MjXANBjimFdkgn99v3moKn-mg0YR-9wYaUUrwi_-RWdQ/s400/eavestexting.png" width="400" /></a></div> <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPD_a3gl9qY3NJZzBLb2zvG4MoQO8E5zQu6KWCnXm2QPTz69VdElgFpWv9gAcmqXG8Mrevj38m1b0mJqm4AYgi4OtfWNgGfa7DhzeSAWIewzrNP_waBOITXsUuThJG0SveYIeNY7kkB61X/s1600/eavestexting+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPD_a3gl9qY3NJZzBLb2zvG4MoQO8E5zQu6KWCnXm2QPTz69VdElgFpWv9gAcmqXG8Mrevj38m1b0mJqm4AYgi4OtfWNgGfa7DhzeSAWIewzrNP_waBOITXsUuThJG0SveYIeNY7kkB61X/s400/eavestexting+2.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">But there's also the screen peep</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcCIueArOdHoXR7LpSaR0m7EywCbSQcTmZsPfP8_jMDU-ZpilKirAdJP2JD5VejPZjEiE3IGgz2QzvMSUdC0DSWgLVR-iigvFrLtfrGr0WnbGOTaB24YVzQ4qPBWkdQpYdu8hBdwRStmM0/s1600/Eavespeeping.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcCIueArOdHoXR7LpSaR0m7EywCbSQcTmZsPfP8_jMDU-ZpilKirAdJP2JD5VejPZjEiE3IGgz2QzvMSUdC0DSWgLVR-iigvFrLtfrGr0WnbGOTaB24YVzQ4qPBWkdQpYdu8hBdwRStmM0/s400/Eavespeeping.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And my personal favorite, the car DVD peep. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-yL6VUSIed5ptXpwKuNwNNJEh680NdSQ1S41XqmMqzCoj9fh0KhDm7oiPrRcUDiBTC5ZVct1JWifcZ2Clr_B033nnFBkrrCf4bNLxsIetbW5y5onM5fJaMrauFn6jcBX90wEewshIH17D/s1600/Car+Eavsing.+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-yL6VUSIed5ptXpwKuNwNNJEh680NdSQ1S41XqmMqzCoj9fh0KhDm7oiPrRcUDiBTC5ZVct1JWifcZ2Clr_B033nnFBkrrCf4bNLxsIetbW5y5onM5fJaMrauFn6jcBX90wEewshIH17D/s400/Car+Eavsing.+.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">The third Eavesey activity on the agenda is Eaves-reading.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Eaves-reading is the act of peering over the shoulder of someone in your proximity. You can eaves-read a book, a poster, a newspaper, a brochure, a love note, a term paper, an eviction notice or anything else printed on paper. This usually occurs when the reader draws attention to whatever they are reading, If some girl is dripping salty tears on her romance novel at the airport you're bound to be curious about that book. The same goes for laughter, head shaking, worried expressions, twitching and gagging. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9akuIiaCc3ZJCPOl9X_ARlG0vj0kgaCIULai0EVicNKtp3OcnxX561a2cdMJIuLP3MrKAty6M10NJZYS63Goi2ketNpyg3CPl5-L35M1czdsMhIjqPouA5q6_fd8Pnq2CKTWwlf1gF0Xm/s1600/Eavesreading+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9akuIiaCc3ZJCPOl9X_ARlG0vj0kgaCIULai0EVicNKtp3OcnxX561a2cdMJIuLP3MrKAty6M10NJZYS63Goi2ketNpyg3CPl5-L35M1czdsMhIjqPouA5q6_fd8Pnq2CKTWwlf1gF0Xm/s400/Eavesreading+1.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">When the first giggle sneaks out, most onlookers try to ignore it. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2eWJOoRS4zH9JCF4Dc8B1bMvmbDsk1j5hXp9oPw7IwYav-YmCV0qy6xZxe-T9cuxt3MHcXbX_9stJhoLrnNGGgL5ZnVMh8hFxQ-aZ5XC9cl9SYHiF9Hr1asJe8mwTeipeMyQY68GRLj9D/s1600/Eavesreading+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2eWJOoRS4zH9JCF4Dc8B1bMvmbDsk1j5hXp9oPw7IwYav-YmCV0qy6xZxe-T9cuxt3MHcXbX_9stJhoLrnNGGgL5ZnVMh8hFxQ-aZ5XC9cl9SYHiF9Hr1asJe8mwTeipeMyQY68GRLj9D/s400/Eavesreading+2.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">As the giggling increases, so does curiosity. This is the point at which you lean back and slightly towards the reader in an effort to better your angle without making it obvious that you're an eaveser. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIcV8rWxVCyxyBHAX9pq9BSJPwd7I82XWrb8phNDzcsiBwguIMOiCIwgv5K2EJyDzuz6pxZ07UCi1YNPQX0phDjnQUzC87t5XiwHcPZJJ-cV9_avslnWtqQCRtpCEfqZBhjlyxunt3Gcvs/s1600/Eavesreading+3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIcV8rWxVCyxyBHAX9pq9BSJPwd7I82XWrb8phNDzcsiBwguIMOiCIwgv5K2EJyDzuz6pxZ07UCi1YNPQX0phDjnQUzC87t5XiwHcPZJJ-cV9_avslnWtqQCRtpCEfqZBhjlyxunt3Gcvs/s400/Eavesreading+3.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Usually it doesn't work. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRnyrqWzOaTE3J9-ky7ZcZ4NTVXMKD42N-aXvsEdfDYeQFLh-kWeLFp40lzC1wAKOxp_TK5K5-0yWhhrOz3h1adJwc1957FPbvTXrp98_F7FY5NXvAb7yoMh3b-olnl34zN2OZWmqwTJ_R/s1600/Eavesreading+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRnyrqWzOaTE3J9-ky7ZcZ4NTVXMKD42N-aXvsEdfDYeQFLh-kWeLFp40lzC1wAKOxp_TK5K5-0yWhhrOz3h1adJwc1957FPbvTXrp98_F7FY5NXvAb7yoMh3b-olnl34zN2OZWmqwTJ_R/s400/Eavesreading+4.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Fortunately, there are alternate angles to be tried. All you need is a good excuse. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP8fPnMb1isU0CJwMbaFbmQ_A3wwgkZePnRbRdQcZfinKLhrUer0gWgpEEb48fAXlfGw9uZblaTlJF6xYkb-3Li-mEjUYD3rrf_5j2NGKBjr6UCv-zH2_UFhgMV7qQLPJnYt1IcMGkQ1Su/s1600/Eavesreading+5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP8fPnMb1isU0CJwMbaFbmQ_A3wwgkZePnRbRdQcZfinKLhrUer0gWgpEEb48fAXlfGw9uZblaTlJF6xYkb-3Li-mEjUYD3rrf_5j2NGKBjr6UCv-zH2_UFhgMV7qQLPJnYt1IcMGkQ1Su/s400/Eavesreading+5.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwru0fseiD9eqANarmGH8d4WPBc4TdWmra-Yql8MXepICjfA0DIFh5vMv-4xJqT5FpftdFjdX4SMVYzgszPloW7Fr6TdAUK6SNE6395zUubA-Rgohaq6-KFkcNbG2zbzZ85sZ4O3SqKVc4/s1600/Eavesreading+6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwru0fseiD9eqANarmGH8d4WPBc4TdWmra-Yql8MXepICjfA0DIFh5vMv-4xJqT5FpftdFjdX4SMVYzgszPloW7Fr6TdAUK6SNE6395zUubA-Rgohaq6-KFkcNbG2zbzZ85sZ4O3SqKVc4/s400/Eavesreading+6.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">These don't always work either. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">By now the reaction is too much to handle, you HAVE to know what is causing this hilarious ruckus in your neighbor. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfiTpnRhxxPC2Zyj43wbgQi3tzcHUc7K_MuHL6bKI0Tp7MjM66-9VQ-j2dVzpwBvXn82U_DUGGKlXrfH62Pyn76I42G44Kq_oydOX7XL9HrdfIrgv4iSDIgs5Xuzrz89SPIJmnv2BghPLD/s1600/Eavesreading+7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfiTpnRhxxPC2Zyj43wbgQi3tzcHUc7K_MuHL6bKI0Tp7MjM66-9VQ-j2dVzpwBvXn82U_DUGGKlXrfH62Pyn76I42G44Kq_oydOX7XL9HrdfIrgv4iSDIgs5Xuzrz89SPIJmnv2BghPLD/s400/Eavesreading+7.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Stealthy shifting is now the best option. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrzRj04AaI29l6f-yFi8MQGo8ZBREM6CtufUbKrDgsCWDCgBZIOTK5OANn33UWYyrgu_f2Ybm_aocxlA_LaTJahCI3xJdoY-MEHVYGKuagd8EotFKEli0joRTg3mWK8PWds6ovJUQOedcd/s1600/Eavesreading+8.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrzRj04AaI29l6f-yFi8MQGo8ZBREM6CtufUbKrDgsCWDCgBZIOTK5OANn33UWYyrgu_f2Ybm_aocxlA_LaTJahCI3xJdoY-MEHVYGKuagd8EotFKEli0joRTg3mWK8PWds6ovJUQOedcd/s400/Eavesreading+8.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgomQ943n_S3yBG86gq2UVWwBZM1bfSXIWorWnXB8_4AsncJ7lEYKFffnta0CO0cqPF6qVx3MOHTu8aKBwpSN24TURXO3diodLDmAgltHno6IlyB88i8YYK0tQpSbz53ZQ_C3JLbv1hfORE/s1600/Eavesreading+9.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgomQ943n_S3yBG86gq2UVWwBZM1bfSXIWorWnXB8_4AsncJ7lEYKFffnta0CO0cqPF6qVx3MOHTu8aKBwpSN24TURXO3diodLDmAgltHno6IlyB88i8YYK0tQpSbz53ZQ_C3JLbv1hfORE/s400/Eavesreading+9.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsXp9pcBMmoNyIrMaGhtLeGLIFX8En-2g1wo3yy1RZMuZQEdpNvQR8TJODbo6cSsKny-5f2211ot5eBUlr-Jqnn7vQBGpKUWA7oFDyam1K-zePfrILWYMMh2nhaTI-6hVnpWjPhq0AKhgH/s1600/Eavesreading+10.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsXp9pcBMmoNyIrMaGhtLeGLIFX8En-2g1wo3yy1RZMuZQEdpNvQR8TJODbo6cSsKny-5f2211ot5eBUlr-Jqnn7vQBGpKUWA7oFDyam1K-zePfrILWYMMh2nhaTI-6hVnpWjPhq0AKhgH/s400/Eavesreading+10.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Victory is often short lived however, only the fastest of readers actually pinpoint the literary culprit. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTPkJ5yVdzfbTqAYY2_oSvOw8yPGBiSf1EgI8Q-gHnHyljRlyE2kiVh4cM-Ugkp1mIG7sNwRuwcLNop7N9sKqE-XZQi7KqMP6GvIltzW4TsL38qDnZgWl7UYdXqpQNznPM9OQIN4quy3ta/s1600/Eavesreading+11.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTPkJ5yVdzfbTqAYY2_oSvOw8yPGBiSf1EgI8Q-gHnHyljRlyE2kiVh4cM-Ugkp1mIG7sNwRuwcLNop7N9sKqE-XZQi7KqMP6GvIltzW4TsL38qDnZgWl7UYdXqpQNznPM9OQIN4quy3ta/s400/Eavesreading+11.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I usually don't find the source in time.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Nor do I come off looking like a normal, non-creepy human after the ordeal. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOqqEKg4VkceR-VBIL9UpgocYh76Z9ZzlwjOxyvCu5lq_gbovHnmUkguZd7D69QPgEo9W6YY5P79BzGflb6p40mrOQ-LzfGSoMPQKEyRSsEYYRhWO7qG4p589WFdE7Ryk2VdTYfnC1a2C-/s1600/Eavesreading+12.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOqqEKg4VkceR-VBIL9UpgocYh76Z9ZzlwjOxyvCu5lq_gbovHnmUkguZd7D69QPgEo9W6YY5P79BzGflb6p40mrOQ-LzfGSoMPQKEyRSsEYYRhWO7qG4p589WFdE7Ryk2VdTYfnC1a2C-/s400/Eavesreading+12.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSrL6SYcNCLURybbSFWpAezHz_3qNw9GaTS3QJKqkkwv117HVPFbJ6tF-v0pAC7_Xx0mEFq6WFnfFJuRTBQyMRStI3IMOPbgg2DEc53lDmDHUNKR9Sy7D1TGfj6vKwIO9gt_3bvEefZMar/s1600/Eavesreading+13.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSrL6SYcNCLURybbSFWpAezHz_3qNw9GaTS3QJKqkkwv117HVPFbJ6tF-v0pAC7_Xx0mEFq6WFnfFJuRTBQyMRStI3IMOPbgg2DEc53lDmDHUNKR9Sy7D1TGfj6vKwIO9gt_3bvEefZMar/s400/Eavesreading+13.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">We have now come to my favorite genre of Eavesing; Eaves-lating. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Eaves-lating is a combination of eavesdropping and translating at the same time. For those of you who speak two languages, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Eaves-lating events usually play out something like this: </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Two linguistically unique individuals are having an avid conversation in their language of choice, most often about the people around them. They are under the impression that they and only they understand their secret language, of course they are wrong. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn1BJ6_newpb79dSvsFSQhuAKEOvhaBSQOWXqq_azoj0VtZrL22A0hpInvSglf_mVQdO1BIergvHCJq5Fk1NLzHU4SHvDXUqocVSBay6b4FjDAX1laF4_k2hR278V6A5_YX-O0gJc5hhO-/s1600/Spanish+eavesdropping.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn1BJ6_newpb79dSvsFSQhuAKEOvhaBSQOWXqq_azoj0VtZrL22A0hpInvSglf_mVQdO1BIergvHCJq5Fk1NLzHU4SHvDXUqocVSBay6b4FjDAX1laF4_k2hR278V6A5_YX-O0gJc5hhO-/s400/Spanish+eavesdropping.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRunrZY4kvUx2SNgwSXLFXUG1gXWjuxMg6UxppqfNInuFUBqjYXVEYQYzaZ5l-ozTaOG7C2kHvTYyXvssmyZrWkbsTulc1uIF65jjzFiYCgqxkVFav_upd8xe7iT-7EBL5NAIm4pZDOUjw/s1600/Spanish+eavesdropping+do+not%2521+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRunrZY4kvUx2SNgwSXLFXUG1gXWjuxMg6UxppqfNInuFUBqjYXVEYQYzaZ5l-ozTaOG7C2kHvTYyXvssmyZrWkbsTulc1uIF65jjzFiYCgqxkVFav_upd8xe7iT-7EBL5NAIm4pZDOUjw/s400/Spanish+eavesdropping+do+not%2521+.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRunrZY4kvUx2SNgwSXLFXUG1gXWjuxMg6UxppqfNInuFUBqjYXVEYQYzaZ5l-ozTaOG7C2kHvTYyXvssmyZrWkbsTulc1uIF65jjzFiYCgqxkVFav_upd8xe7iT-7EBL5NAIm4pZDOUjw/s1600/Spanish+eavesdropping+do+not%2521+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYOT_DoFoqF2jdj_patcbPuYuxGh30DCp4eqgzgtq-hQE4fOpIzUmmstJxa1Val0VMYlYYz7pNKJDSsFTjSwTrisXjRTsIvTspUOMSvE1IXFe0KBdg-lJJSvYBB-jY4bw_01AOtemlbiRX/s1600/Eavesdropping+spanish+rebuttal.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYOT_DoFoqF2jdj_patcbPuYuxGh30DCp4eqgzgtq-hQE4fOpIzUmmstJxa1Val0VMYlYYz7pNKJDSsFTjSwTrisXjRTsIvTspUOMSvE1IXFe0KBdg-lJJSvYBB-jY4bw_01AOtemlbiRX/s400/Eavesdropping+spanish+rebuttal.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">That's right. I just told her I liked her shoes. And she just said a bad word.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">As fun as eavesing is, don't get carried away. Eavesdropping can be a dangerous game.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> Especially when you only catch an eaves-droplet and not a whole eaves-ersation. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcJt2mUBbNnN2q9TtKnm-rehTjFULXdaa_YtvMkE70HE20Ii3fYXMNJwy6qucGTdNYi-A1T7gw7E2e0aUYZPsfTrYnj23txudsH48xUGAYKLaD7w2TG0oe__9a9gBElcYY3gPHmeri8cB8/s1600/eavesdropping+in+line+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcJt2mUBbNnN2q9TtKnm-rehTjFULXdaa_YtvMkE70HE20Ii3fYXMNJwy6qucGTdNYi-A1T7gw7E2e0aUYZPsfTrYnj23txudsH48xUGAYKLaD7w2TG0oe__9a9gBElcYY3gPHmeri8cB8/s400/eavesdropping+in+line+2.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcJt2mUBbNnN2q9TtKnm-rehTjFULXdaa_YtvMkE70HE20Ii3fYXMNJwy6qucGTdNYi-A1T7gw7E2e0aUYZPsfTrYnj23txudsH48xUGAYKLaD7w2TG0oe__9a9gBElcYY3gPHmeri8cB8/s1600/eavesdropping+in+line+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigDIoHy1ztnONV9umLzl9NdtLHtPFvkBVsPLbSaa_fgGeBmgqk7bVSdroA6VzLnDJMzZpc6D3JkxtPYklO70hIFwL1m5Hy_QN2X74dw9sZDWLwQ0gT0UM-tpN_2qobi9I25dqxHrRFaLO6/s1600/eavesdropping+in+line+2.5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigDIoHy1ztnONV9umLzl9NdtLHtPFvkBVsPLbSaa_fgGeBmgqk7bVSdroA6VzLnDJMzZpc6D3JkxtPYklO70hIFwL1m5Hy_QN2X74dw9sZDWLwQ0gT0UM-tpN_2qobi9I25dqxHrRFaLO6/s400/eavesdropping+in+line+2.5.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWSgXRChtcfBTNpsanALeO3BKa96XPhdhyphenhyphenvHujYPH6d8C_9NYD_eRvA-CRnRSnA0vR3d2ojPiB3GdRJ_C3NDKh4hdq-pWDsgsOX0hvr2bPKfKUmbgrkWZ-LaKaPz_DqTF3Xu-W6kWqdo_H/s1600/Eavesdropping+in+line+3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWSgXRChtcfBTNpsanALeO3BKa96XPhdhyphenhyphenvHujYPH6d8C_9NYD_eRvA-CRnRSnA0vR3d2ojPiB3GdRJ_C3NDKh4hdq-pWDsgsOX0hvr2bPKfKUmbgrkWZ-LaKaPz_DqTF3Xu-W6kWqdo_H/s400/Eavesdropping+in+line+3.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4FD2zr7O_CDLGZXE9I8RXm2rqQ01IhGU6GZN0VThSIUwPutOiG3oIr8ELCuPFWPpA0uSg_a1Chd_Rk1h2ydVCp9EGFywGbVKYgf-5rvl1LNEByl2LCyJGu7VBnKeAx1K8ff03Uew59hwB/s1600/texting+tree.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4FD2zr7O_CDLGZXE9I8RXm2rqQ01IhGU6GZN0VThSIUwPutOiG3oIr8ELCuPFWPpA0uSg_a1Chd_Rk1h2ydVCp9EGFywGbVKYgf-5rvl1LNEByl2LCyJGu7VBnKeAx1K8ff03Uew59hwB/s400/texting+tree.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Please Eaves responsibly and Happy Listening! </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2997891077369369053.post-7462620307746705812010-12-09T14:57:00.000-07:002011-02-03T18:55:06.995-07:00"Watch A Movie"<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">“What do you want to do tonight?” </span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">“I dunno, I’m down for just about anything” </span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">“let’s watch a movie” </span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span> </div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Those are the four most confusing words in a non-committed dating scenario. There are so many opportunities that “movies” present for the budding crushees that, despite their reputation as the go-to easy choice, leave you with a headache from over mental exertion.</span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span> </div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">To illustrate, I have selected choice examples from my own awkward past.</span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span> </div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> One winter night last January I was the only one home, horribly bored and talking to a boy. I mistakenly confessed the state of my dreary night to this friend and he suggested I come over, to “watch a movie”. </span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span> </div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">In my mind this boy, we’ll call him Trevor, was so far buried in the friend zone that he’d never dream of breaching the buddy barrier by busting a move. I expected nothing so I drove to his house to “watch a movie”.</span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span> </div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The first sign of trouble came in location choice. Instead of choosing to “watch a movie” in the front room with all his roommates, who by the way had just popped in a DVD I had actually been wanting to see, he decided we’d watch something in his room where there was "more room"</span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span> </div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I didn’t catch on. </span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span> </div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Warning sign numero dos: he chose a chick flick. Chick flicks prey on female emotion. They extract all the lonely inside and slam it back in the form of guilt for not possessing the ability to mold a random stranger into the perfect Hollywood boyfriend. No girl can watch </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The Notebook </span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">or </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days </span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">without lusting for Mr. Right. Chances are, however, you’re not “watching a movie” with Mr. Right, so you settle for Mr. Right Now and end up canoodling for two hours before returning home still single and slightly sleazier than when your night started. </span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span> </div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">While I found the movie choice odd, I was just happy we weren’t watching one of the seventeen WWII documentaries lining his shelves and I, once again, did not catch on to Trevor’s schemes. </span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> </span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I started to get an inkling about Trevor's intentions when he pulled the first of his poorly conducted moves. He first attempted the hand inch. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Normally the hand inch looks something like this:</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzGYcW7ID0o8T-c7qymKOQLWQE-gmqZ21Q7HqMvceTnvrASGbPKVKcEXxnwlBGHJISpJiuFnhkNglllaLoJ5H1iuCCNneu-VmaLNvx-HQi31gM3lfqHR6IIBhSY0l_CmChi5P5Xix-04WT/s1600/Hand+situation+.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzGYcW7ID0o8T-c7qymKOQLWQE-gmqZ21Q7HqMvceTnvrASGbPKVKcEXxnwlBGHJISpJiuFnhkNglllaLoJ5H1iuCCNneu-VmaLNvx-HQi31gM3lfqHR6IIBhSY0l_CmChi5P5Xix-04WT/s400/Hand+situation+.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmP6kywLTFOuHW6zbq4cJ1QD98FqLIr_LTdoSh8IQlTU34XM7sT8KgHCPXuTbg5I9uz7DczNZPN8s0_KY-n9Qo4BHagua2A9g3FBkdzzFvCsaxyadIH6S4d218_F6jL1P8Wgd-ugKruqkO/s1600/Hand+situation+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmP6kywLTFOuHW6zbq4cJ1QD98FqLIr_LTdoSh8IQlTU34XM7sT8KgHCPXuTbg5I9uz7DczNZPN8s0_KY-n9Qo4BHagua2A9g3FBkdzzFvCsaxyadIH6S4d218_F6jL1P8Wgd-ugKruqkO/s400/Hand+situation+2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMyHwMk3YnW5XNz2rcxPwpem1h5T9PGIeCgioNhW8WAFznNmEel5HI3gLypV7UuQM0I5MZ1uVErhMnXcG0GNGiIOgkRMjSoNX61zrDb_3KNm1zFNi7tD7tkDN2dIQ6Nw07OhHFItJvmXtp/s1600/Hand+situation+win.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMyHwMk3YnW5XNz2rcxPwpem1h5T9PGIeCgioNhW8WAFznNmEel5HI3gLypV7UuQM0I5MZ1uVErhMnXcG0GNGiIOgkRMjSoNX61zrDb_3KNm1zFNi7tD7tkDN2dIQ6Nw07OhHFItJvmXtp/s400/Hand+situation+win.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Mutual satisfaction = Successful Hand inch. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Trevor's Hand inch looked something like this:</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVlX3m2HSrgni0TAw2FNO3LxsaQS0DB6bGdvB3Qhrz-z3F9DkER8P-v0LFidpSZ8_xZt2n0Bwq8vKQDHT7VKrYPn1E6veaaFtlw7GwbSheNPt7HhNT32Tus_zHrwUMGf_j18l6oYHmanCn/s1600/bed+situation+start.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVlX3m2HSrgni0TAw2FNO3LxsaQS0DB6bGdvB3Qhrz-z3F9DkER8P-v0LFidpSZ8_xZt2n0Bwq8vKQDHT7VKrYPn1E6veaaFtlw7GwbSheNPt7HhNT32Tus_zHrwUMGf_j18l6oYHmanCn/s400/bed+situation+start.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsl1YfNjo1ATOAPWAl4OSSyM5Pn3ZTxP3EnzledaTKttCcBw_aeT6O7iHysXygkOoUgWbn3lUkyTrnjHxeEppdwx2FbvMqaCgrWLFO37mTTLrXtFe-0KI6MfNSLfXmtUGdUhSYdvYsojvc/s1600/bad+hand+inch.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsl1YfNjo1ATOAPWAl4OSSyM5Pn3ZTxP3EnzledaTKttCcBw_aeT6O7iHysXygkOoUgWbn3lUkyTrnjHxeEppdwx2FbvMqaCgrWLFO37mTTLrXtFe-0KI6MfNSLfXmtUGdUhSYdvYsojvc/s400/bad+hand+inch.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3w5uy8wQuliMkW6tsz9SyUIuZSaJJGaYb8cnI3QclLG8Aj2RpaoZ1aiuFVqLLZyE8tgRK-z2MrB3FO18sFwdzixW1eScqUxjrG6Uhf9w5gAf5W1tJYts1d5W1z7p1vYesKNMITjNpisXX/s1600/whatcha+doing%253F.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3w5uy8wQuliMkW6tsz9SyUIuZSaJJGaYb8cnI3QclLG8Aj2RpaoZ1aiuFVqLLZyE8tgRK-z2MrB3FO18sFwdzixW1eScqUxjrG6Uhf9w5gAf5W1tJYts1d5W1z7p1vYesKNMITjNpisXX/s400/whatcha+doing%253F.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">A normal guy would have taken a hint and given up at this point, concentrated on the movie and talked to me much less in the future. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Not Trevor. For better or worse, Trevor is a tenacious fellow. Instead of toning it back a notch, he progressed to a full fledged arm reach. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">When executed correctly the arm reach should resemble the following: </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQMegRxHItpGzRuNGaku0onaDpwgsFyWYE5pcQu7kmTIBFWoY9v2bEsHutgFHeQ897aM0jL6N-LyZCpBJ-C-noS1p3fA0Vnzk0Efq_xWrz0IO6SpVY6yISLSdyzcDoS6gP_PcouffVMKyL/s1600/Arm+reach+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQMegRxHItpGzRuNGaku0onaDpwgsFyWYE5pcQu7kmTIBFWoY9v2bEsHutgFHeQ897aM0jL6N-LyZCpBJ-C-noS1p3fA0Vnzk0Efq_xWrz0IO6SpVY6yISLSdyzcDoS6gP_PcouffVMKyL/s400/Arm+reach+1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxfh6W1gttpTdTY1-uE-oDhIKJDe2gGiodCEdkVD331saaFCec5PW-LAYSvnuECkrTg5zoWklKTQXkO8MiXypgzj5qOSSyoDWzIcidLqE5lvUUtRcIBWnyNJzpkZJ8u7o5rFyhg9cN6Hxw/s1600/Arm+reach+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxfh6W1gttpTdTY1-uE-oDhIKJDe2gGiodCEdkVD331saaFCec5PW-LAYSvnuECkrTg5zoWklKTQXkO8MiXypgzj5qOSSyoDWzIcidLqE5lvUUtRcIBWnyNJzpkZJ8u7o5rFyhg9cN6Hxw/s400/Arm+reach+2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOnXzgt3Z8Ko7_uT2xCTtMBTfvrJPhff7-N71B_-DC6nKpbDQwqR5jPtdqN2Nmg1Ll7CSFkGWZaMRnMC5zZ4NMchyqml5xbzmp0X_jD4jHO0re77wdugUcqdNlEpMX_At8Ap0JyvNc7LBv/s1600/Arm+reach+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOnXzgt3Z8Ko7_uT2xCTtMBTfvrJPhff7-N71B_-DC6nKpbDQwqR5jPtdqN2Nmg1Ll7CSFkGWZaMRnMC5zZ4NMchyqml5xbzmp0X_jD4jHO0re77wdugUcqdNlEpMX_At8Ap0JyvNc7LBv/s400/Arm+reach+3.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKczVvM3YkUnAsZzDogJy2165vDgCh7uLoHtZC9uIgUhrykxummpRAM99228zhrH_pGVihfehdhT3VmpDAgmgYDuu3tuwnVsGG0CRv6tZkBAt-rtxn9yJ6Ufs5XJZW3zUyBz4kxd0bT8Ww/s1600/Arm+reach+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKczVvM3YkUnAsZzDogJy2165vDgCh7uLoHtZC9uIgUhrykxummpRAM99228zhrH_pGVihfehdhT3VmpDAgmgYDuu3tuwnVsGG0CRv6tZkBAt-rtxn9yJ6Ufs5XJZW3zUyBz4kxd0bT8Ww/s400/Arm+reach+4.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The same result can be achieved via the pirate: </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNui2JAdZ17hR0s2YUFTBEDvU4YnJhvZaLhVOTXMX7nqoz8ierKKaIKTw6OWIE5IE2VzngQUg5u8Rhu9Nmm4hlMeyElZVkG0lL0msTJPbCmYZQNMRhTWI0oKhCEWr7K-KPMtibE33RR4YF/s1600/If+you+were+a+pirate...+.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNui2JAdZ17hR0s2YUFTBEDvU4YnJhvZaLhVOTXMX7nqoz8ierKKaIKTw6OWIE5IE2VzngQUg5u8Rhu9Nmm4hlMeyElZVkG0lL0msTJPbCmYZQNMRhTWI0oKhCEWr7K-KPMtibE33RR4YF/s400/If+you+were+a+pirate...+.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFG0gD1SfzV6Cz01HL3G8fLyHm6kHYGja7EDtE8YK_eYYk8J3-DechAIlnT5gAnqEssBBBSvKhPEREAaJWl10p0p6Inolim2b5zPvXJ_7xkH9H8nJgnqxX_ggVzMXfOnF5qoRTDDaF54qE/s1600/This+shoulder.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFG0gD1SfzV6Cz01HL3G8fLyHm6kHYGja7EDtE8YK_eYYk8J3-DechAIlnT5gAnqEssBBBSvKhPEREAaJWl10p0p6Inolim2b5zPvXJ_7xkH9H8nJgnqxX_ggVzMXfOnF5qoRTDDaF54qE/s400/This+shoulder.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> Trevor tried neither of these maneuvers. Instead he just squirmed his arm around my neck until it ended up behind me. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I was not impressed. </span></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrSEc3lpewSem-i06t8Z10Bix8V_ZzgkM5PoKCzLgHS5p-X89hK0Pz6nV9KnxLbaDX8jZaHoJLKRGxScpVLer1pnF-nzt-eooeYIOGPtsM7wP-HN_GDhF2Boil9XVw5a6aPX5p2d9HuU4h/s1600/bed+situation.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrSEc3lpewSem-i06t8Z10Bix8V_ZzgkM5PoKCzLgHS5p-X89hK0Pz6nV9KnxLbaDX8jZaHoJLKRGxScpVLer1pnF-nzt-eooeYIOGPtsM7wP-HN_GDhF2Boil9XVw5a6aPX5p2d9HuU4h/s400/bed+situation.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> </span></o:p></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I improvised. </span></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span> </div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS_GyENULxo_p_0W7BeAV6gU3vKN-pnU4_QpAcg0kn_rpDE6yohVCJOJrv5whfa6F6oUejHolFhkkTODz48JxaIR9C0kUnpYMpzWukDi26vB1Q7SMcjsYy9hz0AX-w1R0Vqidld0efn95-/s1600/back+hurts....jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS_GyENULxo_p_0W7BeAV6gU3vKN-pnU4_QpAcg0kn_rpDE6yohVCJOJrv5whfa6F6oUejHolFhkkTODz48JxaIR9C0kUnpYMpzWukDi26vB1Q7SMcjsYy9hz0AX-w1R0Vqidld0efn95-/s400/back+hurts....jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">He remained ignorant. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn3MgUmqn_ftkwjrr_zxxQpXYCKHJ_hidRfGXGcuCBnc8ROIFgBGJzfwyD9AfqWMK2l60Vew708-0fJ_k-AvIuff_E5phJr2aLBGTlg8VWFgIAX0Jo3fSpE0Axov_dI56RdSW_IoBRFtVw/s1600/Let+me+get+that.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn3MgUmqn_ftkwjrr_zxxQpXYCKHJ_hidRfGXGcuCBnc8ROIFgBGJzfwyD9AfqWMK2l60Vew708-0fJ_k-AvIuff_E5phJr2aLBGTlg8VWFgIAX0Jo3fSpE0Axov_dI56RdSW_IoBRFtVw/s400/Let+me+get+that.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span> </div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span> </div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I improvised with less genius this time. </span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> </span></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoIYorH1c8XgsPxnmBl6-d5qz9WzLCHBAsk_-wayXiXkT92Fc1q8JI5z_Zj2QAKd7WCkDijehoM9QufSt0nEEkPO6HwPfQO6h-zU-gl5digdcvIcnkydntjFHXzsu5BIw_A7RT41lafW5D/s1600/really+flexible.+.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoIYorH1c8XgsPxnmBl6-d5qz9WzLCHBAsk_-wayXiXkT92Fc1q8JI5z_Zj2QAKd7WCkDijehoM9QufSt0nEEkPO6HwPfQO6h-zU-gl5digdcvIcnkydntjFHXzsu5BIw_A7RT41lafW5D/s400/really+flexible.+.png" width="400" /></span></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia96-Yyu6I5OzP-UG-Hae8nG5E-mwM-xUDUIaJaWTpflQE1q6G36Lc3WcIPeQ9GnF6-qSXsPnFiX0udJUrW4c2oi-D2RvElaW_IjO1PSw2OOQ2Glg8GNIbrbTmmppuRNms2xHuGkRSSyAK/s1600/Stay+like+this.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia96-Yyu6I5OzP-UG-Hae8nG5E-mwM-xUDUIaJaWTpflQE1q6G36Lc3WcIPeQ9GnF6-qSXsPnFiX0udJUrW4c2oi-D2RvElaW_IjO1PSw2OOQ2Glg8GNIbrbTmmppuRNms2xHuGkRSSyAK/s400/Stay+like+this.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I spent the rest of the night as a contortionist, folding myself further down and scooting away from him with each adjustment. </span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The next few days were spent with a crick in my back and very sore hamstrings, but I successfully evaded a potentially disastrous cuddle session and who knows what else. I wasn't looking for a cuddle buddy or any benefits from this friend, all I wanted was to be entertained for an hour or so and GO HOME! </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This experience led me to explore the cryptic meaning hidden beneath the phrase "watch a movie".</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> </span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Sometime between the birth of movies and now someone discovered that the silver screen is a great excuse to get “close”. It used to just mean holding hands in the theatre but the world slid down the slutty slope and now movies are rarely used for anything more than a background while you romp around on the couch. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I do not understand this phenomenon. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The movie is distracting and the sound effects invite others in the house to join you. If the end goal is just to score why go through the charade of picking a DVD, discussing how great the film is going to be and waiting the appropriate time allotment before shoving your tongue down your date’s throat? Why can't we just advertise what we're selling instead of morphing movie night into make out bouts?</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> </span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Obviously this isn’t always the case, but that's where the problem lies - it's not always the case. Nothing is ALWAYS the case. You can go into the situation expecting anything from two hours of cinematic artistry to two hours of jam packed action. This can only result in confusion and subsequent panic. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHKUwjHtoUHhQTHHkgzZxMGfHRJ8wPNfqpBQdbgAz280NFur-HBPpG_Ny9h9TP4X9Ip8IgU8nPGMStZcDSMiq3h2XE3Ed2_-yopUndt9QFL6TJFlsoNPK7zvdwOOEBxOlieSTSZd4vrKj9/s1600/pressure+start.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHKUwjHtoUHhQTHHkgzZxMGfHRJ8wPNfqpBQdbgAz280NFur-HBPpG_Ny9h9TP4X9Ip8IgU8nPGMStZcDSMiq3h2XE3Ed2_-yopUndt9QFL6TJFlsoNPK7zvdwOOEBxOlieSTSZd4vrKj9/s400/pressure+start.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6VTJLqVIA-TcKNLYydwWLCQIu9Jyi06shzWVnlly8ubwd4P1R2DOxIsixMDFFwwYqVcd2cetW9puW6aleIJR7mVA8pnGtnb3XKqAgnMGeaTXO0-sAfjXIxl2_FINolHrDgZWvfabTB2C-/s1600/pretty+tonight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6VTJLqVIA-TcKNLYydwWLCQIu9Jyi06shzWVnlly8ubwd4P1R2DOxIsixMDFFwwYqVcd2cetW9puW6aleIJR7mVA8pnGtnb3XKqAgnMGeaTXO0-sAfjXIxl2_FINolHrDgZWvfabTB2C-/s400/pretty+tonight.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Obviously the ambiguous connotation "watch a movie" carries is creating problems. I have a suggestion: If you want to actually watch the movie, make this clear. If you're only using the T.V. as a cover for your scandalous intentions, come out and say it. Save your poor date the confusion and clarify.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
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</span></div></div>Whithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277841377550372059noreply@blogger.com0