Saturday, December 1, 2012

Things That Don't Belong On Facebook

The other day I was online, killing some time, and I started to scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook. As I scrolled, I was increasingly amazed by the rubbish some people think to be newsworthy. 

Due to the stupidity of some of the people I have "friended" on social media, I have compiled a list of things that should never grace the face of FB. 

1) Boudoir Photos.

I do not care how sexy you think you are, nor do I care how sexy you actually are. Provocative poses set against red satin sheets are not Facebook worthy - if you want them, save them for your significant other. Do not broadcast your scantily clad laundry to your 5,000 "friends".

Did I mention that you're most likely scarring close relatives and small children? 
You are. 

2) Grammatical Errors.

As anyone who knows me personally knows - I am the grammar nazi. I LOATHE:

conjugation mixups 

 homonym swaps

and misspelled common words. 

A majority of Americans only speak one language - speak it correctly and proofread your posts - they reflect directly on you.

3) Complaints About Work.

I feel as though this should be self explanatory - but here's an illustration for you anyway. 

4) Fights

I promise that neither I nor the 4,579 other acquaintances on FB want to read that your family members are making you angry, or that your boyfriend is a loser, or that you may have married the world's worst person. You'll get over the fight but the FB status can't be unseen. 

Oh Yeah, and you sound like you're 13. 

5) Open Ended Pity Parties 

Sometimes I have bad days. Sometimes you have bad days. This does not make it okay to post "So sad right now I want to die" on FB. All this does is invoke 20 comments that all say "what's wrong sweetie?" "are you okay" "call me if you need anything" when really you should just call that handful of people that care in the first place. If you're depressed call your mom or eat some prozac. Don't broadcast it on FB. 

If you want to tell the story, and it happens to be entertaining - go ahead. But don't just post melodramatic lines to get attention. 
Boo sad pointless posts. 

6) Anything Mundane. Seriously People. 

The world wide web REALLY doesn't need to know that you checked in to Walmart 4 times last week and "got a pretty good deal on cereal". Also - we don't care if you ate mac and cheese for lunch. Literally thousands of people eat mac and cheese every single day.  

Facebook doesn't care. 

7) Personal Hygiene 

There are some less than attractive things people do in an effort to become more attractive. Some examples include: facials, bikini waxing, acne popping, potent hair treatments, toenail clipping, ear wax removal, nasal hair trimming etc. 

While all these things are encouraged for proper personal hygiene, it is not encouraged to share these monthly rituals on the internet. With the exception prank photos posted of your roommate caught in the act of these embarrassing rites -  no photographic proof of these practices need be posted. 

Yes Kristina, this is for you. 

8) Pet Portfolios

The occasional photo of your dog sitting up the to table or snuggling with your child is periodically acceptable. An entire photo album of your cat in various positions is not. 

Not Okay. 

9) Kissing Photos

I admit that every once in a while the well taken kissing photo tugs at my heart strings - but that does not mean I want to see make out stills. I'm glad you've found love in your life, I'm glad that you enjoy kissing said love - but the common decency rules surrounding PDA apply to the web. 

Keep it PG people. 

Also, at least 1/2 of your photos should feature your face (not your face smashed against someone else's). 
Please limit your photos. 

 Here are two commonly shared kissing photos I hereby declare banned from Facebook: 

The self taken and way too close shot

And the licking diseases off your pets shot

Normally I would have 10 things because that completes the list... but I am sick of drawings so I'm stopping with 9. 

Moral of the story is: Don't put these things on Facebook okay?
People don't want to see them, they literally make me angry and I am going to de-friend you if you do. 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Why I'm Banned from ebay

My name is Whitney and I am an E-bay addict.
It has been 9 days since my last E-bay binge.

Due to the frequency, irrationality and financially irresponsible nature of my E-bay binges my husband has banned me from online bidding indefinitely.

I have been Banned from E-bay. 

You may think this a harsh punishment, that he is being chauvinist and controlling by not allowing me this cyber vice.
This is sadly not the case.
While it is fortunate that my husband is not a financial dictator - it's unfortunate that compulsive clicking/bidding is on my "things to work on" list.

  Let me start with the fact that I have an addictive personality. If I had ever seriously tried drinking I'm sure I would be a raging alcoholic and this blog would be populated by drastically more spelling errors, drunken rants and pointless pictures... But I'm not allowed to drink; thus I've sicced my addictive nature on online shopping instead. 

I'd like to point out that online is the operative word here - I'm not a shopaholic; my problem isolated to the world wide web. Here's why. 

Upon entering a store I react just like any other female

I find that one item I just NEED to have. 

Then I love it. I impulsively decide I simply MUST buy it.

I head for the check out stand, still acting on impulse mind you, but still have time for reason to sneak in before sliding the plastic. 

Despite lust's valiant efforts, rationality almost always takes over and wins the debate.
I realize that I need to eat more than I need the outfit - and I remember that I don't like to spend money. 

Almost as quickly as I fell in love with the must have item I am able to talk myself out of it.

Tragically, I have abandoned many must have purchases in the name of frugality.

In the off chance that something sneaks through the rational shopping sieve, I can always return the item the next day if I catch a case of buyer's remorse. 

As illustrated above, normal/physical shopping has checks and balances to curb impulsive spending sprees. 
Ebay does not. 

When I'm on E-bay, the checks do not balance and spontaneity strikes. 

I will usually start by just browsing on e-bay, ruing over the drastically low prices Hong Kong has to offer when compared with local retail prices.

Periodically, I find things I like

And I bid on them. 

I celebrate, feel proud of my bidding prowess and continue to browse... until the screen changes. 

Then I get a bidding high. I feel so powerful with my little clicker that I start to bid on ALL the earrings

As my evil plot thickens, I plan to prevent all other E-bay users from ever winning any auction ever again. I concoct a plan to become the e-bay queen, buyer of all things beautiful. I bid on all of the things I simply MUST have. 

...But then I my plan comes to fruition and I really do win ALL the auctions. And I have to pay for all the auction I win. 

And that is how I ended up with:

 88 pairs of China's finest earrings (of which 36 are one of three designs)

 7 tankini swim suit tops

 1200 rubber earring backings, 

5 striped maxi dresses

 and 13 pairs of colored leggings

Unlike normal fun found treasures, I cannot get buyers remorse and return all of my impromptu purchases the next day. 

E-bay makes you stare at your bid for days - giving you hope that some other idiot will bid $16.00 on a maxi dress made for the asian body type that will NEVER fit in length nor width. Then E-bay villainously extracts the money directly from your bank account when you have to "pay the pal" you unwittingly won junk from. Not only do you slowly watch your winning history add up without the ability to retract your bid clicks, but you have to wait for another 7-24 business days to receive your ill conceived purchase. It's all down hill after the bid confirmation. 

For all of these reasons I have removed myself from the e-bay bidding pool, albeit at the prompting of my well meaning husband. 

No more "bathroom breaks" during work hours to monitor the last few minutes of a soon to end auction on the E-bay app. 

No more sneaking around, secretly celebrating my e-bay victories. 

No more E-bay. 

Goodbye E-bay, possibly forever. 

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