Thursday, November 7, 2013

Whitney The Thief.

I am not your typical girly girl. 

Yes I love new clothes and a perfect outfit but, as previously explicated in Why I'm Banned From E-bay, I do not enjoy traditional shopping. 

Stores hurt my feet, wallet and - most recently - my pride. 

The universe, and all of the stores in my area, have decided I am a thief. 
The universe has no basis for these grounds - I haven't stolen anything since I accidentally took a purple bracelet from a garage sale in the third grade. That time my mom drove me clear across town to return the bracelet or pay the 25 cents.
I used a piece of my father's silver collection as a quarter and paid for the bracelet...
but that's another story. 

Since that experience I haven't stolen a thing - other than food from my friends and family - yet I've been a presumed shoplifter four times in the last 2 weeks. 

For some reason I've been setting off store security systems on my way in and out of stores.
So far I've set off alarms in: 

TJ Maxx and 
Smiths Marketplace 

... which is probably because those are the only stores I shop at. 

2 out of 4 of the store experiences went like this: 

Each time I set off the alarms the entire store turns my way, employees skeptically eye my bags and twice I've had to verify the contents of my purse and purchases.

I've searched my purse - there is no security tag left on the seams. 
I've been wearing different outfits each time I've beeped - I have no metal plates, pins or other metal hardware inside my body (that I know of).

Theories have been postulated which include:

A) My recent dental work has become electromagnetic due to the massive amount of microwave food I consume. 
B) I'm the victim of a terrible practical joke in which i've been surgically implanted with a secret security tag. 
C) My cell phone is lonely due to my lack of friends and subsequent lack of texts - so it talks to the sensors. 

All three are viable options.
But in all seriousness - If you know what's happening to me PLEASE tell me in the comments because it's becoming a problem. And I like comments. 

Up until today only inanimate objects have deemed me a criminal - that changed. 

I went shopping with the woman (my mom) today. 
We went to a few stores - set off a few alarms - and ended up at Sam's Club. 
Usually I like Sam's club - today I did not like Sam's club. 

They have a ridiculous receipt checking policy in which minimum wage workers "check" your receipt against your cart contents before you're allowed to leave the store. 
Many times I've gone through the sensors with friends or family and only shown one receipt for the groceries of two people.
 It's never been noticed. 

Today we got in line to exit to the store and have our merchandise "checked" against our receipt. 
As we're leaving, my mom decides she wants boxes. 
Sam's Club offers the left over boxes from inventory to customers to facilitate easy transfer of purchased items since they do not provide grocery bags.

I had a box of instant breakfast packets (which I purchased) under my arm so it wouldn't crush the bread on the top of the cart. 

I went back in the store to retrieve boxes. 
Only my mother's receipt was "checked' since mine was in my pocket.
All of the groceries (except my breakfast packets) went out. 

Behind my mother in the exit line was elderly couple. 
Apparently today's checker knew this elderly couple - they stopped to chat. 

As they chatted, the line grew longer and longer. 
As I stood there awkwardly juggling my breakfast packets and three haphazardly stacked boxes I noticed the "enter" door directly adjacent to the "exit" door was line free and staffed by one idle worker. 

Since I had no cart or receipt in clear view - only my boxes - I decided to try and exit through the enter door. 
This is not allowed.

She said no. 
I thought if I explained myself - that my purchases were already out of the store and I wouldn't steal a package of breakfast packets were I in the habit of pulling heists - she would understand. 

I fished my receipt - with an armful of boxes mind you - out of my back pocket to show her. 

She budged zero amount. 
She also smiled zero amount. 

By this time the other redhead - apparently Sam's Club likes to hire red headed door checkers - had engaged in a full fledged  4 minute long conversation with her elderly friends. 
4 minutes may not seem very long but when you're standing in a line to exit a store you don't want to be at in the first place - 4 minutes is an eternity. 

The line to exit the store was at least 15 carts deep and reached the cash registers 40 feet down the isle. This was getting ridiculous.  
And there was no way I was going to the back of that line. 

I figured I'd give it one last attempt - surely this "enter" employee could dual perform and double check my receipt for the one item I did have with me - my instant breakfast packets. 

Also a no. 
Tera does not check receipts. 

So I returned to my former place in line. 

The "Enter" redhead - her name is Tera (name not changed since she was a grumpy - take that Tera) threw me a dirty look when I retook my place behind the talkative elderly couple rather than trudge back 50 feet. 

Tera finally realized the line was getting exceedingly long and decided her job description did include receipt checking after all. 
She walked over to the man directly behind me, checked his receipt and allowed him to leave the store. 

Right about this time the lessons learned in AP government and the voice of my liberal, highly political uncle Steve invaded my head. 

I felt an illogical  and misplaced surge of patriotism and decided I would defy the receipt checkers.
This was the land of the free by golly and I was going to be free!  

Yes. Yes they do that. 

Next thing I knew I was being chased and verbally accosted by my new friend Tera. 

But there was no stopping me. 
I was going to refuse checking on moral grounds now - on patriotic principle! 
I was a receipt withholding American citizen with the freedom to leave Sam's however I please. 

She really yelled for Back-up. I thought that was just something people did in movies and dramatic cop dramas - I've now learned it's a part of the Sam's Club employee handbook. 

By the way - remember the 15 cart line up? 

Yup, still there and enjoying the spectacle. 

Now remember how I told her to "try and stop me"? 
I assumed her attempts to stop me would be rhetoric based.... 

They were not. 
Tera lunged at/around me in order to apprehend me - the probable breakfast burglar. 

I don't remember her actually touching me so much as the boxes I was precariously balancing - but whatever she did was effective. 

I went down. 

She moved surprisingly fast considering her body type. 
She was back up by the time "back-up" arrived. 

Then she tattled on me like a little girl. 

The "Back-up" was great big huge. 
I can see why they chose him to be "Back-up"
 He picked up my receipt and looked it over - glancing between my long "unmarked" receipt and the pile of empty boxes on the floor.
I belligerently stood up, gathered my boxed and stood right in front of him, just to see what the giant back-up would do.  

I tried to show him my fury with my eyes. 

He didn't seem to notice. He just gave me back my receipt and let me go. 

But I didn't go. 
Instead I walked out the door to my mother waiting in the car, dropped the boxes and my breakfast packets and marched right back in the door. 

I stormed over to the service desk and demanded to see a manager, because I was angry. 

The longer I waited, however, the less hard and angry I became. 
Instead all of those angry emotions turned to sad emotions - probably because I'm an estrogen infused sissy at heart. By the time the manager got there I was crying in the tire section. 

My eloquent and thought out polemic wouldn't come out of my bumbling quivering mouth - instead I just spouted my callow grievances and told them "Tera was mean to me".  

I'm pretty sure nothing was done about it. I just stormed out in tears and got in my mom's car. 

And, to add insult to injury, I forgot to pick up my pictures. 

I can't even boycott Sam's Club for a whole week.
And stores still think I'm a thief. 

Feel sad for me. 

The End. 


  1. I'm so glad we're now friends. I about peed my pants while reading that. you r hillarious!

  2. I'm still your biggest fan. One of my favorite lines, "She moved surprisingly fast considering her body type." Hahaha. So funny. I want to hear the full garage sale bracelet thief story!

  3. Dear Whitney,
    You should know how happy your posts make me. Sometimes in my aiding class at school (actually every day), the teacher has no work for me to grade so I have nothing to do. When this happens, I go to your blog to see if you've written yet another hilarious post. If you have not, I read some of your old posts and get funny looks from the students actually taking the class because I am laughing (as silently as I can) and they are not having fun learning Trigonometry. You can imagine my excitement when I read your new post. You help me make it through my third hour aiding class very day and I thank you!
    - Natalie Nilsen

    1. haha Dear Natalie:
      You should know how happy your comments make me. I'm glad I could provide you with some entertainment during trigonometry aid class. I'm impressed you're aiding in that terribly difficult class in the first place. Come back to Utah and play with us :)

  4. This is probably one of the most hilarious things I've read in awhile! You have a new follower!
    By the way, you're a no-reply blogger which means other bloggers cannot reply to you as easily when you leave a comment and the readers who comment on your posts do not get notified when you reply. You can fix it by following Bad Luck Jenn's tutorial here:
    Hope you have a great day!

    1. I had no idea! I'll follow that link and see if I can fix it - I'm not very good at the layout, template, formatting part of blogging.

    2. I had just learned it myself when I read that post from Jenn!

      I read through your posts over this past weekend and you had me in tears laughing so hard! I gave you a shout out on my post today!


  5. wow, whitney I do seriously feel sorry for you but I am laughed so much today thank you. Keep your head up girl.

  6. OMG poor you but how hysterical. Ha ha ha. I needed that laugh. But again, sorry you went through that :).

  7. OMG Whit thanks for following me...Following back and Daymn you are awesome! Keep it up!

    Red Alice

  8. I'm sorry that happened with you. Tera was really mean, they should fire her ASAP! Besides of this, I'm seriously cracked up! All the illustration work is ammmmmmmmmazing!! BRAVO!

  9. This was the funniest thing I've read in a long time! I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but I have to say that your illustrations are hilarious. :)

    I started setting alarms off like crazy and had to show the contents of my purse once (while leaving Ross) and could never figure out what it was. Finally my boyfriend found a security patch on the inside of a book that I kept in my purse. Doh! Never even thought of it....

    Happy Monday!

    1. I don't keep books in my purse but I will check all the other contents just in case - because you know how terrible it is to be stopped and dump searched. Glad you enjoyed it!

  10. This cracked me up! Thanks for linking up last week on my Blog Hop! To join in just click the entry button, ad your URl of your blog the name and an email. Next you choose a pic or button from your blog and post! That's it. Don't worry I didn't get it either when I first joined one too. Anyway following you back!!

  11. I'm dying over here! And your illustrations do not help at all ... I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

    But I know that was not a fun experience so now I feel awful.

    As for setting off the alarms ... Yeah, that needs to be figured out, lol.

    1. Oh trust me - looking back now I laugh - it was just sad in the moment haha. Thanks for stopping by!

  12. Yikes, sounds like you had a pretty rough time! I would have been livid and would have said something to the receipt checker who was holding up the whole line by gabbing. People like that are so rude!

  13. I had this happen to me too! You know how when you buy certain items like at Target or Walmart and they have to swipe them across this mat? That mat somehow deactivates a sensor. I had a store swipe my purse one time and that solved the problem.

  14. I won't lie. This made me laugh a few times. I can definitely relate. I've been a victim of the Phantom store sensor myself a few times, so I feel your pain! Lol


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