Saturday, December 1, 2012

Things That Don't Belong On Facebook

The other day I was online, killing some time, and I started to scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook. As I scrolled, I was increasingly amazed by the rubbish some people think to be newsworthy. 

Due to the stupidity of some of the people I have "friended" on social media, I have compiled a list of things that should never grace the face of FB. 

1) Boudoir Photos.

I do not care how sexy you think you are, nor do I care how sexy you actually are. Provocative poses set against red satin sheets are not Facebook worthy - if you want them, save them for your significant other. Do not broadcast your scantily clad laundry to your 5,000 "friends".

Did I mention that you're most likely scarring close relatives and small children? 
You are. 

2) Grammatical Errors.

As anyone who knows me personally knows - I am the grammar nazi. I LOATHE:

conjugation mixups 

 homonym swaps

and misspelled common words. 

A majority of Americans only speak one language - speak it correctly and proofread your posts - they reflect directly on you.

3) Complaints About Work.

I feel as though this should be self explanatory - but here's an illustration for you anyway. 

4) Fights

I promise that neither I nor the 4,579 other acquaintances on FB want to read that your family members are making you angry, or that your boyfriend is a loser, or that you may have married the world's worst person. You'll get over the fight but the FB status can't be unseen. 

Oh Yeah, and you sound like you're 13. 

5) Open Ended Pity Parties 

Sometimes I have bad days. Sometimes you have bad days. This does not make it okay to post "So sad right now I want to die" on FB. All this does is invoke 20 comments that all say "what's wrong sweetie?" "are you okay" "call me if you need anything" when really you should just call that handful of people that care in the first place. If you're depressed call your mom or eat some prozac. Don't broadcast it on FB. 

If you want to tell the story, and it happens to be entertaining - go ahead. But don't just post melodramatic lines to get attention. 
Boo sad pointless posts. 

6) Anything Mundane. Seriously People. 

The world wide web REALLY doesn't need to know that you checked in to Walmart 4 times last week and "got a pretty good deal on cereal". Also - we don't care if you ate mac and cheese for lunch. Literally thousands of people eat mac and cheese every single day.  

Facebook doesn't care. 

7) Personal Hygiene 

There are some less than attractive things people do in an effort to become more attractive. Some examples include: facials, bikini waxing, acne popping, potent hair treatments, toenail clipping, ear wax removal, nasal hair trimming etc. 

While all these things are encouraged for proper personal hygiene, it is not encouraged to share these monthly rituals on the internet. With the exception prank photos posted of your roommate caught in the act of these embarrassing rites -  no photographic proof of these practices need be posted. 

Yes Kristina, this is for you. 

8) Pet Portfolios

The occasional photo of your dog sitting up the to table or snuggling with your child is periodically acceptable. An entire photo album of your cat in various positions is not. 

Not Okay. 

9) Kissing Photos

I admit that every once in a while the well taken kissing photo tugs at my heart strings - but that does not mean I want to see make out stills. I'm glad you've found love in your life, I'm glad that you enjoy kissing said love - but the common decency rules surrounding PDA apply to the web. 

Keep it PG people. 

Also, at least 1/2 of your photos should feature your face (not your face smashed against someone else's). 
Please limit your photos. 

 Here are two commonly shared kissing photos I hereby declare banned from Facebook: 

The self taken and way too close shot

And the licking diseases off your pets shot

Normally I would have 10 things because that completes the list... but I am sick of drawings so I'm stopping with 9. 

Moral of the story is: Don't put these things on Facebook okay?
People don't want to see them, they literally make me angry and I am going to de-friend you if you do. 

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