Tuesday, November 9, 2010

No-Shave November

For my first "real" post I decided to tackle the grisly winter tradition overtaking college campuses everywhere: No Shave November. There is a common misconception that growing a beard makes you more of man, that using a razor during November will somehow emasculate you. Let me be clear, letting your facial hair take over your face does NOT amp up your sperm count, give you Paul Bunyon lumberjack strength or bestow the archives of manly knowledge upon you. You look like a hobo and with all the food that thing traps, most likely smell like one too. 

In protest of No-Shave November, I've compiled the top ten reasons men should stay clean shaven this month. 

Reasons 1-3. No-Shave November should be called No-Action November. Girls will not kiss you and your stash nasty. Here's why 

1. Finding your lips is impossible under three inches of hair. 

2.  Beards give rashes, which are ten times worse than hickeys. 

3. Stashes have a mind of their own. Nobody wants hair creeping into noses, mouths or any other bodily orifice. 

Reason #4 The urge to hug trees is significantly stronger when you’re bearded.

Reason #5 – You are not a wizard.

Reason #6 – Birds could take up residence on your face

Reason #7 – Frisky rodents are at risk for confusion. 

Reason #8 – It’s a slippery slope, you don’t shave your face; we don’t shave our legs.

Reason # 9 – Suddenly sporting a beard will make you look old. Not older, Old.

Reason #10 – The majority of you band-wagoners can't grow a proper beard anyhow. 

I'm not anti-beard. If you rock the scruff year round, it's nicely tamed and you look like a man child without it, keep the razor tucked away. 

If, however, you're not shaving because your friends aren't shaving, lose the whiskers. You look like an idiot and I guarantee your girlfriend hates it. 
Save yourself a clogged sink come December first and keep your face stubble free this Thanksgiving. 

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