Monday, March 21, 2011

The Pill

I see a lot of pregnant women. Working at an OBGYN office means I hear about all of the mood swings, the weight gain, the water retention, aches and pains, food cravings, morning sickness, lethargy and general discomfort of buns in the oven on a regular basis. I've always known these were the expected downsides to pregnancy, and as far as I was concerned they were just added reason for sane people to hold off on knocking up.

I was once a huge proponent of birth control. In fact I was pro- oral contraceptives for any and every newly sexually active couple, mostly because of the vast level of incompetence to rear children exhibited by the general public, but either way - I pushed "the pill" on plenty of patients. 

Few of them liked it. 

The way women complain about the side effects of "the pill" you'd think they were the pregnant patients. The list of complaints is nearly identical. They tell me how crazy they went on the hormones, how they gained fifteen pounds in the first month, how they suddenly regressed to their zit infested high school complexion, how they had "that time of the month" ALL month. 

I figured they were all Pansies. 
I had the same standard answers for them all:

Most birth controls have no clinical indication of weight gain. 

You may experience slight mood swings, but on the new lower doses you shouldn't notice a huge difference. 

You may be slightly irregular for the first few months but afterwards you will experience much more mild and regulated cycles. 

Oral contraceptives are the most cost effective way to prevent any unplanned pregnancies. 

I have recently changed my view on all of these standard answers. 

I started "the pill".

"The Pill" has quotations around it so you know to read it with an ominous cadence. 
(*for ginger - ominous cadence is a more specific way of saying evil accent) 

Don't get any ideas, I'm not getting married anytime soon, I haven't sprouted promiscuous curiosities and I'm not working the corner on fifth and ninth - I started "the pill" for other unnamed reasons. 

This is what I've discovered. "The pill" does more than prevent little monsters - it turns women into big hormonal monsters. 

Even the littlest things set me off. Sudden anger for no apparent reason is not uncommon on "the pill" 

I unearthed a new sensitive side I never knew I had. 
Songs I've heard a million times now make me cry. 

I no longer listen to Carrie Underwood's "Just a dream". 

Especially not on campus

I used to concentrate on important things. 

I was 10 lbs lighter then. 

I used to be capable of rational thought, without jumping to crazy conclusions or perceiving everything as a personal attack. 

Not anymore. 

In short, I have developed bipolar disorder in under a month. 
You never know which Whitney you're going to get, it's like russian roulette except instead of bullets I'm firing estrogen injected emotion. For those around me it's a nightmare. 

This is the emotional range gone through in a typical hour on "the pill" 

I still can't believe that something so small can have such a big effect.

For the sake of my figure and the sanity of my loved ones, I am no longer taking the pill as of yesterday.

I see the averse effects of oral contraceptives as a sign that science has ceded this battle to christianity. Humans must be destined to populate and replenish the earth, otherwise we totally would have discovered a more humane way to keep from reproducing. 

If I was mean to you during my pill experiment - I apologize
If I started crying in your presence while taking the pill - I regret that. 
If I freaked out at or around you in the last month - please forgive me. 
If you're taking "the pill" - I'm sorry. 
If you're significant other is taking "the pill" - I'm VERY sorry, I'd suggest getting out if you still can. 


  1. omg whit i have to call you with my "pill" experience!

  2. Now that you are off the pill, your name is definitely on the yellow quilt!

  3. hahaha whit this is the funniest thin ever and SO TRUE!!!!haha your pictures are hilarious!


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