Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Whitney's Gym Dress Code

I have recently taken an interest in bettering my physique. 

This isn't necessarily a new phenomena, every four months or so I get a spurt of energy and decide to use extra caution in my calorie consumption, work out on a bi-daily basis and do sit ups while I watch T.V. These surges in physical activity usually last two to three weeks at most, as sad as that is to admit. After twenty days of vigorous healthy lifestyle choosings, I routinely return to my ice cream for dinner and a "brisk walk" between classes, which is one of the many reasons I will never look like Megan Fox. 

However, seeing as it is almost swimsuit season and I am no longer digesting hormone monster pills on a daily basis, I am the process of shedding the extra padding around my six pack. 

I do this at the gym. 

Whilst at the gym I came to the sad realization that the general public is severely misguided in the wardrobe department. I have decided that it is my responsibility to distribute some expectedly innate rules for gym attire. Although I would hope these observations could go without saying, it seems the people who frequent my gym lack the ability to appropriately dress themselves. 

Sports Academy: Please post this dress code in any and all dressing rooms. A mailing list wouldn't be a bad idea either. 

Spandex is a privilege, not a right. 
If you are paunchy, porky, pudgy, potbellied, portly, tubby, chubby or in any way bulging out of your clothing - choose another outfit. 
It's uncomfortable to watch, it can't be comfortable for you to squeeze into... choose cotton. 
I do. 

Very Bad.

Much Better. 

 Push up bras are for date night, not the gym. 
Get a sports bra. The point is to strap them down, not show them off. 

Due to the graphic nature of that image, there will be no picture to further my point. If you're having problems visualizing this public indecency, head to my gym. 

Keep your clothing on. 
Just because you're sweating doesn't mean you have the right to show case that hairy belly. We don't want to see the muskrat that has taken up residence on your chest nor is the extra ten pounds hanging below your belt attractive. 
 DO NOT remove your shirt if you're on the treadmill. Flapping back fat in the morning is possibly the worst thing ever. 

This is not okay. 

This is okay. 

Women, this goes for you too. Just because you can suck it in when you check yourself out in the mirror doesn't mean it will stay that way, in fact it usually doesn't. That padded sports bra you think you're passing off as a shirt only accentuates your extra chub. 

Rule of thumb: Unless you can do 20 jumping jacks without jiggly middle, consider all articles of clothing necessary. 

 You do not need 1/2 a ton of makeup for the gym. 
You're working out, which means you SHOULD be perspiring and SHOULD NOT appear airbrushed.
 Either A) you're clogging your pores and exacerbating your poorly covered acre or B) the snail speed you've got going on the elliptical wouldn't make my grandma sweat. 

 Pony tails. 
Long hair flowing as you run may seem like an awesome idea since Jennifer Anniston looks like fox when she does it, but you slightly resemble cousin it from the adams family when you do it.

 Use a pony tail.

They will keep your hair from flinging sweat on the person behind you, and you might actually be able to see in front of you. 

No Pony: Bad

Pony Tail: Good

In summation: Wear an adequate amount of clothing, Keep that clothing on, Adhere to appropriate grooming standards and keep your cheepers tucked in. 

The End. 


  1. hilarious! I love it.

  2. Soooo true! Girls who wear their hair down at the gym seriously annoy me. Even more than the ones who have on a face full of makeup and huge earrings. But not as much as the men who either don't own deodorant or are just refusing to use it and sweating into a huge smelly puddle on the machine next to me (maybe I should just work out at home).

  3. love this one as well ....

  4. Very accurate! Especially the push up bras and no pony tails. I'll never understand it!


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